chapter 21
Kyla
“Are you sure you don’t want me to go in with you?”
I didn’t turn my head from the window as the Uber rolled up the boulevard. Not that I was upset or anything; I was so far from that. It was just that I wanted to relish these last few minutes. I wanted to take in the sights and sounds of New York that defined this city — the yellow cabs that zigged in and zoomed out of traffic, the buses that groaned as they edged from the curbs, the sidewalks filled with people strolling past street vendors who sang out about their wares. It was a melody that belonged to New York alone.
I’d always been one of those people who, though I lived far away, claimed some kind of connection to this city. I certainly used to say — I Heart New York.
But after what happened to Jefferson, I was sure that I’d never speak nor sing about New York again.
That was what I thought — until today. “Kyla?”
This time I turned and faced Hosea. He said, “Did you hear what I said?”
“I did. But don’t you think you’ve spent enough time with me today?”
He glanced at his watch. “It’s not even six and it’s still light outside.” His expression stayed straight until he looked up and then, he gave me another one of his heart-reaching smiles. “Anything else you want to do?”
My smile turned into a chuckle as I nodded. “Yes, I want to see my husband and I’m sure you want to go see your wife.”
He shrugged a little. “If you say so.” His words were designed to keep me smiling, but I could tell by the way he’d kept glancing at his watch throughout the afternoon, and then reaching for his phone several other times, that he really did want to go home to Jasmine. But he wasn’t going to leave until his assignment with me was complete.
I needed to let him know that he could tell God his part in rescuing Kyla was done. “I will never be able to thank you for today.”
Another shrug. “I didn’t do anything, not really. Nothing that I wouldn’t do on any other Saturday.”
“Oh really?” I laughed. “So, you always spend your Saturdays having a magnificent soul food lunch catered in your office?”
“Melba is great, isn’t she?”
“And then, every Saturday you stroll through Central Park?” “Gotta get my steps in.” He held up his wrist revealing his
Fitbit.
“Oh, so that’s why you took me to the Empire State Building.
So that you could get more steps?”
He shook his head. “Nope. I had enough steps. But how can anyone come to New York and not see what used to be the world’s tallest building?”
“You know I’d been there before.”
He nodded. “I know. But you needed to be there today.”
This time, my smile was more in my heart than on my lips because that was where Hosea reached me. Today, he had ministered to my soul.
This morning, I’d left that police station in such despair, filled with so many questions. And though one part of me felt hopeful when I called Nicole and she told me the doctors were definitely going to wake Jefferson up tomorrow, so much of me was simmering in confusion. What was going to happen once Jefferson was conscious? Would Jefferson wake up to tell me that he’d been with someone else? That he loved someone else?
I’d been on the verge of a breakdown, but because of Hosea, I’d had a breakthrough. And he’d done it all without us speaking about Jefferson and that woman again.
He’d done it by making me smile as we talked about Nicole over our lunch of catfish strips, and then the best chicken and waffles I’d ever had. He’d done it by making me remember as we walked along Central Park West and I shared with him how Jefferson and I had built the African American Wellness Center over the last twenty years.
But the best part, what touched me the most was when he took me to the Empire State Building. There, we hadn’t spoken. Just went up to the Observation Deck and there, I remembered.
I didn’t even ask Hosea how he knew what this place meant to me. I was sure that Jasmine had told him since I’d often shared with everyone the story of how Jefferson and I became engaged. Or maybe Jasmine hadn’t told him. Maybe the message had come to him from God. Hosea had that kind of connection to the Lord. However he found out, he’d taken me to the one place in New York where I needed to be. On top of the Empire State Building, I’d closed my eyes and felt it. I felt all of the love. Jefferson’s love. Standing there, just feet away from where Jefferson had slid the ring on my finger, I knew … I knew that Jefferson hadn’t cheated on me — not again. I knew it with everything inside of me.
My belief in our marriage had been fortified high above the streets of New York and by the time we jumped into this Uber, I’d never felt so sure about me and Jefferson. I didn’t know the story of what happened to Jefferson on Monday night — not yet, but I was now willing to bet on my husband … because of Jasmine’s husband.
As the car eased to a stop in front of Harlem Hospital, I glanced up at the building and for the first time since I’d arrived in New York, I didn’t feel that overwhelming sinking feeling. Instead, I was filled with a new hope.
Turning to Hosea once again, I said, “You were right. I did need to visit the Empire State Building today.” “See, I’m a genius.”
I laughed. “Yeah, you probably are.” Then, I got serious. “But what you are even more … is a god-send.” Leaning over, I pressed my lips against his cheek. “Thank you, once again,” I said.
When I leaned away, he asked, “So, church tomorrow?”
“I really want to be here as they’re waking up Jefferson, but if we can make it to the eight o’clock service ….”
“Whatever is best for you. You can have the car bring you to church or bring you here.”
I nodded, then, slipped out of the car and waved before I rushed into the hospital. I couldn’t believe I’d been away all day, but Hosea had been right. After four days of only leaving this place to sleep, he gave me a break I hadn’t even known that I needed. He gave me this break that gave me a new perspective.
But now, I wanted to see my husband, I needed to see my daughter.
I rushed into the lobby, then into the elevator and to the fourth floor. I waved at the nurses who I’d spent so much time with, they were becoming my friends, and then pushed the door open to Jefferson’s room.
The vision in front of me made me stop.
Jefferson was still sleeping; I knew he would be. But it was Nicole who brought tears to my eyes. She was going to have an awful crook in her neck or her back tomorrow with the way she was leaning over the side of the bed with her head resting on her father’s chest.
My lips trembled and with my fingertips, I pressed my sobs back as I traveled in a time-capsule to twenty-eight years, twentynine years ago. To Nicole’s toddler days when I battled with her to sleep. But what I couldn’t do, Jefferson could. He would lay down with her and rest her head on his chest. And every time, in minutes, she slept. It was as if she had to connect to his heart before she could close her eyes. That connection allowed her to rest.
Nothing had changed.
It took a few moments, but I was able to turn my sobs into a big ole smile. How could I not be filled with joy as I took in the sight of the loves of my life? I wished that they could stay this way until Jefferson awakened. But I had to get Nicole up.
Stepping over to her, I rubbed her back, not wanting to startle her from her sleep.
After a few moments, she lifted her head, blinked, then turned to me.
“Hi, sweetie.” I moved a couple of stray curls from hiding her eyes.
She moaned her hello before she sat up and stretched. “Hey, Mom. Hmmm,” she hummed. “You’ve been out all day.”
“I know. And I’m sorry.”
“What are you talking about? I told you that I thought it was a good idea to hang with Pastor Hosea for a little while. What did you do?”
I thought about my afternoon once again an
d with a smile, I said, “I’ll tell you later. But get up. Come on. Walk with me. Have you eaten?” She shook her head and before she got the words out, I said, “We’ll go down to the cafeteria.”
“I’m not ….”
Again, I didn’t let her finish. “I know.”
She did as she was told, even though I didn’t really tell her a thing — at least not with words. She just followed me into the elevator and down to the first floor.
Together, we roamed through the hospital’s cafeteria that had just opened for the dinner hours. But even though there were lots of hot dishes to choose from, Nicole grabbed a tuna sandwich wrapped in plastic and a bottle of water. I couldn’t even convince her to add a bag of chips.
We found two seats and even though I didn’t have anything in front of me, I bowed my head when Nicole blessed her food.
The first thing she said after her, “Amen,” was, “The doctors are really optimistic, Mom. “
I nodded.“So am I. I prayed a couple of times today with Pastor Hosea.”
“I know you did.” She chuckled, even though her mouth was stuffed with a good bite of her sandwich. “He is one praying dude. I didn’t think I’d ever meet anyone who prayed as much as Daddy, but Pastor Hosea,” she shook her head, “he might have my dad beat.”
That made me smile. Nicole was right. Jefferson and Hosea shared the same heart for God. “Well, it’s a good thing it’s not a contest. Just two men who love to talk to the Lord.”
She nodded. “What about Auntie Jasmine? Did she join you?” The mention of Jasmine’s name wiped that smile right off my face, and I had to press down the little bit of petty rising inside of me. The petty that reveled in my spending the day with Hosea so that he wasn’t home with her.
But I shook that thought away. Had I ever been petty? Yes. But, I’d never been passive-aggressive with it. No, if I was going to do something to Jasmine, I’d come right out and do it — the same way she’d done it to me.
“No,” I finally said to my daughter.“Jasmine wasn’t there. Hosea went with me to the police station and then, after that, we did a couple of things, but Jasmine … I guess she was home with her children.”
“Hmmmm.”
“What does that mean?” “Nothing. Just hmmmm.”
“Okay, so are you going to tell me what you mean, or are you going to keep it to yourself?”
“I can ask you the same thing, Mom.” I frowned.
“You know how you used to say ‘I know my child?’” She didn’t give me a chance to respond. “Well, I know my mother. So tell me, what’s going on with you and Auntie Jasmine?”
I cringed every single time she gave Jasmine that honor. “First of all, she’s not your aunt. And secondly, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Nothing’s going on with us.”
“Okay.” She put down her sandwich. “See, that’s what I’m talking about. Aunt Alexis isn’t my aunt either, but you don’t have a problem because she’s always treated me that way, just like Auntie Jasmine.”
Her words made me fold my arms and I had to fight hard not to glare at her.
She said, “We’re gonna play this game? Come on, Mom, just talk about whatever it is. The tension between you two is thicker than my roots.” With her fingers, she combed through her honeybrown natural curls. “So are you going to talk to me?”
I managed to toss her a weak smile and then, hoped that my words would be more convincing. “There’s no tension. It’s just that we haven’t seen each other in a long time so, you know, it takes a minute to get back into that friendship space.”
Her blank stare lasted longer than a moment. “You know what? Just tell me,‘It’s none of your business, Nic,’ or ‘You’re too young to understand, Nic,’ or ‘It’s too much to handle, Nic,’ or ….”
I held up my hand. “Okay, okay. I surrender.” But even though I’d said that, once Nicole sat back, ready to listen, I couldn’t find the right thing to say. What was I supposed to tell my daughter? Because anything I said about her ‘Auntie Jasmine’ would blow the feet off that pedestal that held her father.
When I stayed quiet for too long, she said, “I know she did something bad, something that you think is unforgivable.”
Her words sent my heart pounding.
“And I can only think of two things that you would consider unforgivable sins.”
My heart rate slowed a bit. She said ‘two things’. So, she was on the wrong track.
She kept on, “It would be unforgivable if she did something to me, and I don’t remember Auntie Jasmine doing anything to me. So ….”
Now, it was my head that was pounding. “Did she have an affair with Dad?”
“Wha ….”
“And before you answer that, Mom, remember that I was a really smart kid. Sensitive and intuitive. I felt things and I knew things. And, I kinda felt it before, but watching you with her since I got here, I think I know it now … no matter what you say.”
I wanted to open up to Nicole, tell her everything, all that I’d been feeling for all these years, and what I felt now seeing Jasmine again. But my lips wouldn’t move because my heart still didn’t want her to know the truth about her father’s failings. Yes, she thought she knew, but once I affirmed her words, it would be out there. Complete certainty.
She inhaled a deep breath, then took just as long to release it. “Wow, I can’t believe it.” She shook her head. “Dad and Auntie Jasmine. Wow. That’s a lot to handle.”
I wanted to tell my daughter that she was right. It was too much, it had been too much and I wanted to ask if now she understood why my heart had no love for that woman.
She said, “It’s really something that you worked it out with Dad. Because, I mean, that was a whole lot to forgive.” She paused and I still couldn’t say anything. “I don’t know, Mom. I don’t know if I could have done what you did. I don’t know if I could have forgiven Dad.”
Those words made me find my voice. “Oh, no, Nicole. It was tough and it was rough for your father and me,” I said, finally admitting what I’d never wanted my child to know. But I had to say something. I had to explain the process of forgiveness to her so that she wouldn’t hold this against Jefferson. When he woke up, I wanted her love for him to be the same, so I had to convince her that he deserved to be forgiven. “But your father and I worked really hard. Especially your father — he did everything that he could to not only earn my forgiveness, but earn my trust. He loved me enough to put in the work.”
She nodded.
“And when you think about it, Nic, I didn’t do anything special. I just did what God does for you and me every single day. No matter our transgressions, He forgives us and He asks that we do the same.”
She nodded, but I still felt like she needed a little more.“I never wanted to tell you because I never wanted you to look at your dad differently. He’s a good man, Nicole. A good man, who did a bad thing. A very good man, who deserved to be forgiven.”
Her nod was more forceful this time and I could tell that she truly agreed. “You’re right. I’m really proud that you’re my mom. I’m proud that you allowed God to work it out with Dad.”
I leaned back and though, I didn’t smile, I did breathe, filled with relief.
Until she said, “So why haven’t you let God work it out with Auntie Jasmine?”
I gasped, I blinked, I didn’t understand.
“You’ve forgiven Dad, and he was the one who made the promises and vows to you. But you’re having a hard time forgiving your friend, I don’t get that.”
The words were out of my mouth before she even finished. “Because if she did that with your father, then, she was no friend to me.”
Through the corner of her eye, she glanced upwards as if she were trying to get my words to compute. “Well, by that logic, Dad was no husband to you, either.”
Sometimes truth came wrapped in a punch to the gut.
I guess because she didn’t want to see me cry, she covered my hand wit
h her own. “Mom, I understand, I really do. Because if it happened to me, I don’t know if I could have been as forgiving as you. I mean, I would like to believe that I would be, but no one knows what they’ll do until they walk in those shoes. So believe me when I say that I understand.
“But it just kinda feels like you did all of this work to forgive, but in God’s eyes you’re gonna get half credit. There were two people who needed forgiveness, but you only closed fifty percent of the deal. And if forgiveness is for you and not the other person anyway, then you’re only half healed.” She shook her head. “That’s not what I want for you. I want my mom to have complete healing and after … how many years has it been?”
I didn’t have to do any kind of mental calculation. I knew when it happened, down to the year, the month, the week, the day, and if I glanced at my watch … the minute ….
I gulped and said, “Twenty.”
Her eyes stretched wide, but then, she pulled her surprise back.
“Well … after … twenty years, you deserve the freedom because that is a long time to carry the burden of unforgiveness. And trust, I’m not thinking about your husband, or your friend … I’m thinking about you. So forgive her. The same way you forgave Dad.”
I blinked, I nodded, and this time, I did understand. While there were still plenty of tears in my eyes, there was so much pride inside of me. Isn’t this what we all hoped for with our children? That they would grow into mature, intelligent, wise adults. “When did you get to be so smart?”
“Oh, I came out of your womb this way, didn’t you know? I was ready for college at three, but you and Dad wouldn’t allow me to be great.”
I laughed and wiped a tear from my cheek. “Mom, I hope you don’t feel like I’m judging you.” “Oh, no, sweetheart, I don’t.”
“And I hope you don’t think I’ve overstepped my bounds.”
“I’m your mom, but you’re grown now. So I can be your friend, too. And friends tell friends the truth.”
That made her grin. “And I’m grateful. Because to me, that’s the best kind of relationship. I wanted to help you the way I know that you would help me if I were ever in the same situation.”
Temptation: The Aftermath Page 17