After her third drink, she started to feel guilty. This was not the effect she was seeking. The pain was supposed to be decreasing, not increasing. She tried to sort things out in her brain, but nothing was clear to her. Why am I doing this? she thought. Is this how I help my sister? By saturating my kidney with alcohol? But she wasn’t just feeling guilty, she was angry too. Why did everything seem to fall on her shoulders? Why had she gone through all that with her mother and taking care of Katie, only to have Katie run out on her?
Now all of a sudden Katie needed her again. Lucy wasn’t sure she could take seeing Katie again, taking care of her again. I can’t help her…because I can’t help myself. That was it. She finally realized that it wasn’t just the feelings you would expect when a loved one was sick. Lucy was bitter and scared and frustrated. She remembered the days when she thought she couldn’t go on. Now…she had to. She had no choice. That was a frightening thought.
Suddenly the room started to spin, and she felt like she couldn’t breathe. Digging through her purse for some cash, Lucy stuck a pile on the counter. She needed some air and had to get out of there. On instinct, she looked for help from the annoying man at the bar but was confused that he was no longer there.
She walked around for about an hour before she finally decided to call Benny for a ride home. He didn’t hesitate, knowing that was something Lucy just didn’t do. Plus, he didn’t mind a chance to be around her. Even though he joked about what a pain she could be, he found himself growing fonder of her, and Lucy sensed it as well.
In the car Lucy didn’t say a word for a long time, and she was grateful Benny didn’t ask any questions. She gazed out the window and was in such a trance she didn’t realize that a single tear started to roll down her cheek. An old man on a bicycle watched her as they slowed to turn the corner. She took a deep breath and tried to hold it all in. She’d become an expert at that back in school when teachers used to ask what was wrong. At first she would cry and then make up some story about someone teasing her or a test or something. Eventually she had learned to control it. She would simply say that she was just tired. They were just about home when the dam burst. Lucy began to sob. Tears were flowing, and her chest began to heave. Benny looked over, startled, but he still didn’t say a word. He didn’t know what to do or say, but fortunately they were just about home.
In the parking lot, he reached for her, put his arm around her, and held her. They stayed still in that position. A salty wet spot formed on the corner of Benny’s shirt, which didn’t matter much since there was already a hot sauce stain from lunch. Lucy could not comprehend what was happening to her. Out-of-control emotions were not her thing. Could all this be about Katie? Was it just the illness? Maybe it was the first time in a long time that she had someone she could trust enough to let go. No matter what it was, it was all powered by frustration: terrible things that should never have happened, dreams that never came, love lost. Lucy felt lost.
When she finally reached the end and the storm was blowing over, she still remained on Benny’s shoulder. It felt safe there. After a few minutes she lifted her head. “I’m sorry, Benny,” she said. Her voice barely came to her.
“You don’t have to say anything to me, Lucy.” Benny rubbed her arm and brushed her hair from her face. He wished he could do something for her, but he knew it was up to her. “I’m here for you, girl.” He tried to make his voice sound lighthearted. Looking into her big brown eyes was starting to take effect, and he worried that he wanted to kiss her. He resisted, knowing that would be a mistake. He didn’t want to ruin things, but more than that, it was just wrong. You didn’t take advantage of a crying girl.
CHAPTER 15
Even though Lucy still had thirty more minutes to be ready, she still felt like she was running late. Her bed looked like a discount table at the end of a big clothing sale. She had already tried on four outfits, and she was wearing possibility number five. She looked in the full-length mirror on her closet door and wondered what this outfit said about her. The first two choices were simply too outdated. They had been her standard “going out” outfits for about four years. The next one was a tight blue dress that just seemed way too desperate, and number four was a skirt and top that had a big stain right on the front of the skirt. She forgot that she had brushed up against one of her paintings a while back and could never get the spot out.
Walking over to her dresser, Lucy picked up her cell phone. She scrolled through her received messages and selected the last one from Kyle so she could double-check what he said about the restaurant. Nice, but not too formal, his message stated. She walked over and looked in the mirror one more time. She was wearing long black, non-pleated pants and a sleeveless black and lavender shirt. The pants touched the floor, but the black heels she just picked up to put on would bring the hem to just above the floor. She knew she would be cold in that outfit, but she didn’t have a cute enough jacket to match, and the look was the priority over comfort. Just as she was about to slip on the first shoe, the doorbell rang.
“Shit!” Still holding her phone in one hand and the shoes in the other, she checked the time on her phone. She still had about twenty more minutes and was hoping to recheck her hair and the little amount of makeup she had put on. She swiftly shoved her feet into each shoe, turned her light out, and shut her bedroom door. Skidding past a mirror on the living room wall, she took a last look at herself and then opened the front door.
“Benny?” Her voice sounded surprised and stressed.
“Ooh…check it out, mama caliente!” he said in his best Mexican accent. He was trying to be funny even though he really did think she looked great.
“I’m sorry about the other day.” Her voice trailed off as she walked away from the door and Benny followed.
“No worries, girl. You know you can always count on me.”
Hearing that made her happy. She was starting to believe it.
“You got a hot date tonight, I see.” He walked in a circle around her. “Who’s the lucky guy? Hey, is it that Kevin guy you told Anne about?”
“What? She told you about that?” she snapped, sounding embarrassed. “Look, Benny, I don’t want to be rude, but I don’t have much time. He’ll be here any minute.”
“Hey, I’m just here being a good neighbor.” He pulled an envelope from his back pocket and handed it to Lucy. “This was in my mailbox by mistake.”
Lucy took the envelope and examined it.
“It’s got your last name on it…but it says Linda,” Benny said curiously while Lucy continued to stare at the letter.
“Did you just get this?” she asked when she noticed the postmark on the envelope.
“Uh…well, I’ve actually had it for a week or so.”
“What? Why?”
“It looked like it was from a collection agency, and well, you know I’m used to getting those. I usually just pile ’em up on my desk. I didn’t think to look at the name and didn’t notice it until I was going through my stack and went to open it.”
“Geez, Benny.” She tossed the letter onto her kitchen table. “Well, I don’t have time to deal with this now, but thanks for bringing it over.” She walked over to the door and grabbed the knob. “I really need to finish getting ready.”
Benny didn’t move. “I know I’m being nosy now, but who’s Linda? Is that your sister, the one who’s sick?”
“She’s my mother. She owes some money, and they don’t have any contact information for her, so they’re hassling me.”
“That stinks, Lucy. So your mom is avoiding them, or she doesn’t have the money? I know how that goes,” he said, trying to sound sympathetic.
“My mom is avoiding everyone. I haven’t seen or heard from her in over three years. I had to deal with all her crap then, and now I have to deal with this!”
“I’m sorry, Lucy.” Benny walked over to her. “I didn’t mean to get you all worked up again and ruin your…date.” He reached out to give her a hug, and she accepted half
heartedly. “I shouldn’t have asked,” Benny said, rubbing her back just a little too low for her comfort.
With one of Benny’s arms still around her shoulder, Lucy pulled open the front door and led him into the doorway. “It’s okay, Benny. I’m fine…really. Thanks for coming over.”
Just then Kyle walked up and was standing inches away from Benny and Lucy arm and arm.
“Oh, hi,” Lucy said casually.
“Hi, Lucy.” Kyle quickly stopped in his tracks to avoid running into them.
Benny took his arm off of Lucy’s shoulder and reached out to shake Kyle’s hand. “Hey, man, you must be Kevin.”
“It’s Kyle.” He shook Benny’s hand. “How’s it going?”
“Good, man. I was just leaving.” Benny sidestepped past Kyle and gave him a quick slap on the back. “You kids have fun tonight.” Benny was halfway down the hall when he yelled, “Not too late, Lucita!”
“Sorry about that,” Lucy said, embarrassed. “That’s just a friend of mine who lives down the hall. Come in.”
“You look great, Lucy,” Kyle declared as he walked in and stood in the middle of the room. He had on khaki pants and a dark blue button-down shirt that had faint gold stripes running down the sides. She envied the color and smoothness of his skin even with the tiny bit of five-o’clock shadow. “I hope I’m not too early, Lucy.”
Was it her imagination, or did he tend to say her name a lot when they were speaking? Either way, she liked it. There was something about the way he said “Lucy” that sent a charge right through her. Maybe it was due to the fact that she hadn’t had many dates in her life and even fewer boyfriends. Most men didn’t have a chance to make it to a second or third date.
“No, I’m totally ready.” Lucy remained standing awkwardly at the door. “Just give me one sec.” She walked by him close enough to leave a trace of her aroma. He knew it wasn’t perfume, probably her hair, and almost instinctively he wanted to follow her.
“Great, I’ll just wait here then.” Planting his feet down, Kyle appeared to convince himself he was being totally cool.
In her room, she urgently picked up her purse and gave her hair a couple of flicks. She didn’t want Kyle out there alone too long. She figured his place was probably a lot nicer than hers and definitely bigger. Just try to have fun tonight, she thought to herself. A good way to not be disappointed is to not expect too much. But as she walked back to the living room, she found herself hoping for more.
CHAPTER 16
Didn’t he say, ‘Nice, but not too formal’? Lucy thought as they walked through the door of Moretti’s, an Italian restaurant. Even though her attire made her feel a little uncomfortable, Kyle’s hand resting on the small of her back gave her an unexpected boost of confidence.
The hostess led them to a roomy, high-back booth in the back of the restaurant, which suited both of them just fine. Kyle wanted to feel alone with her, and she wanted to be away from the crowd. Kyle asked the server to start them off with a bottled Evian, which he courteously poured for the both of them, and then set down a bread basket. Along with the basket came a plate with an oil mixture for dipping the bread into.
“How do you feel about wine?” Kyle asked, gesturing to the extensive wine list.
“Sounds good,” she responded as she took in the full atmosphere of the beautiful Italian décor. “Whatever you pick is fine with me.”
After getting one last nodding approval from Lucy, he ordered a pinot noir. She enjoyed and appreciated his confidence, and she could tell that he liked the fact that she was easygoing. Unlike most of the high-maintenance women he’d probably dated before. Lucy sensed Kyle’s eagerness to get to know her and wondered if she would be able to open up and let him see who she really was.
Lucy felt surprisingly good that night and made a mental note to enjoy the rest of the evening and not simply get through it as she tended to do when going out. Then, as she glanced around the room, something caught her eye. She noticed an elderly couple sitting at a table in the middle of the dining room. They had just sat down and were positioned right next to each other, close enough so their chairs touched. Lucy wondered if it was so they could actually hear each other or if it was because they wanted to be close. By the way they looked at each other when they spoke, she believed it was the latter. After a prolonged silence, she realized Kyle was watching her watch them. He was smiling and waiting for her to look over at him.
“You’re very real, you know that?” he said with a genuine smile.
“As opposed to what, one of those plastic blow-up dolls?” Lucy said with a smirk.
“No, I didn’t mean…hey, I’m definitely not that guy. I just meant that you’re…very different from most of the women I’ve dated.”
“Oh, so you’ve dated a lot of women, huh?”
“I wouldn’t say a lot.” Kyle shifted in his seat. “Wow.”
“What?”
“You’re not going to make this easy, are you?” He gave a tiny chuckle and shook his head.
“I didn’t realize I wasn’t.” Lucy held her ground and kept eye contact with him.
Up to the challenge, he met her gaze and said, “You’re very beautiful, Lucy.” He reached out and placed his hand gently over hers as it rested on the table. “Ah, I got ya. So what have you got to say to that one?”
“I’ll just say…thank you.” Lucy slid her hand from beneath his and put it in her lap. “There’s something else I need to say too, Kyle.” She took a drink of wine and fiddled with her purse in her lap. “You seem like a really great guy, and I’m glad you asked me out…”
“Please tell me you aren’t on the road to the ‘let’s just be friends’ speech,” he interrupted.
“No…I mean I do want to be friends, but I’m not sure how much more I can be right now. The thing is…I may be leaving town for a while.”
“How come?” He took another drink of his wine, finishing off the glass to catch up with Lucy.
“Well, there’s a very good chance that I’ll be donating one of my kidneys to my half sister who lives in Texas.”
“Are you kidding?” He laughed, his sparkling blue eyes fixated on her. She continued to amaze and fascinate him. Before she could answer, he took the wine bottle and poured them each another glass. “Well, are you pulling my leg here or what?”
“I’m totally serious. I’ve been going through all these tests, and so far it looks like I’m a match.”
“Whoa, that’s pretty amazing.”
“Yeah…but it’s also very complicated. They have to make sure you’re physically and mentally sound, you know, to make such an important decision. You can’t believe all the questions they ask. I mean it’s my kidney, and I should be able to do what I want with it, right?”
“Uh, yeah. I guess I never really thought about it. So when do you know for sure?”
“Probably in a few days.”
“Well, it’s an incredible thing you’re doing for your sister, but to be honest I’m not happy about the timing. I was really looking forward to getting to know you better.”
“Then why don’t we just make the best of tonight and worry about the rest later?” She lifted her glass to him and took a drink.
The remainder of the dinner was spent with each of them telling their life stories as quickly and painlessly as possible. Lucy tried to leave out most of the more depressing details, but she couldn’t believe how much she told him. The more she spoke, the more impressed Kyle was with her. He made comments about her strength and compassion and loyalty—all characteristics he admired. But for Lucy, she didn’t feel like those were accurate descriptions of her. On the other hand, she felt like a different person when she was around him.
Kyle was open about his previous engagement, but he focused more on his career and family. They laughed about their connection of having to take care of their younger siblings: her with Katie, and Kyle with Alex. Before they knew it, two hours had passed. They felt guilty about keeping the server, so
Kyle left a twenty-five percent tip, and they left the restaurant.
“Thank you for extending the night with me,” Kyle said as he opened Lucy’s door. “I know we didn’t really plan this, and neither of us is dressed for it, but I thought it was the perfect night for a walk on the beach.”
They had both taken their shoes and socks off at the car. Kyle found a place to park where they wouldn’t have to walk too far before getting to the sand. “Do you think you’ll be cold?” He shut her door after she stepped out. “I have a sweatshirt in the back if you want it.”
Lucy chose fashion over comfort. “I’m fine,” she answered. All she could think about was how good it felt to just be around someone and enjoy their company. As soon as they reached the sand, Lucy took a deep breath and took in the smell of the ocean along with all the beautiful memories that it brought. After a few steps, their hands brushed closely by each other’s and Kyle grabbed Lucy’s hand. It made her feel young and giddy, but at the same time she felt sad. This was something she hadn’t done, or felt, in a very long time. She laughed to herself about how such a small thing could evoke such a range of feelings in her.
Kyle noticed her giggle and laughed along with her, obviously not knowing why. “What?”
“Nothing,” she whispered.
Lucy figured it probably wasn’t easy for Kyle to get used to her unexpected silences, but he was patient and told her he didn’t mind. He was happy to watch her walk along, the low breeze bouncing and puffing her long curly mane. As much as they talked at the restaurant, there was quiet now, almost as if they seemed to be reading each other’s minds. For the most part, Lucy looked straight ahead or out to the choppy ocean. A few times she looked up at him and smiled. They both seemed to be thinking the same thing—that they didn’t want the night to end. But at the same time neither wanted to get too close. The uncertainty of what the next few weeks, or even months, held loomed over them like quiet rain clouds. Then suddenly, Kyle stopped and grabbed Lucy’s other hand.
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