by Julia Bell
I had taken Viktor out for some fresh air and we were standing around on the concrete underneath the awning of the shop when he swept in. The car slid to a slick stop, spraying the pavement and Viktor and me with muddy water.
‘Sorry!’ He jumped out, all smiles, with a handful of napkins.
‘It’s OK,’ I said, snatching the napkins off him. I didn’t want him to look at my legs, the purple tights I was wearing, a Christmas present from Tetya Svetlana that were already going saggy at the knees. I wiped some mud off Viktor’s face and tried to clean my boots, but they were already so filthy there didn’t seem much point.
Almost immediately Mikki and Kolya came running up the street, pawing the car, crowding around Tommy like he was Grandfather Frost come with sacks of Christmas presents. I tried to fade into the background, meaning to sneak off round the corner and go home.
‘Oksana!’ Tommy came over and grabbed me by the wrist. ‘Don’t you want to go shopping?’
‘Shopping?’
‘Yeah.’ He shrugged. ‘I’m driving into town. I thought you might like a ride.’
‘But –’ I pointed at Viktor. ‘And I don’t have any money.’
‘No worries.’ He reached into his pocket and pulled out a shiny leather wallet. He unfolded a thick wedge of notes and counted out over a hundred roubles.
‘Hey, boys, you’ll look after Viktor this afternoon? What do you say? Fifty now and fifty when I get back, and you make sure nothing happens to him and I’ll give you some extra?’
Kolya snatched Viktor’s hand. ‘Like my brother!’ he said.
For a second I thought about saying no. I knew Kolya couldn’t be trusted; he would probably spend all the money on glue and then leave Viktor somewhere out in the cold, or worse, lock him in a shed until I came back. But the fact that Tommy had asked me, and not one of the boys, made me feel wanted, special.
Viktor grumbled and pulled away from Kolya, looking up at me with his soft, childish eyes.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said to him. ‘I have to go somewhere right now. Kolya and Mikki will look after you.’
He shook his head and crunched his face like he was going to start crying, but I turned away from him.
‘It’s OK,’ I said, walking towards the 4x4. At the time I didn’t understand why my feet felt so heavy, why every step I took towards Tommy felt like I was walking through glue. Now I think it must have been my mother, trying to stop me, clinging on to my legs with ghostly arms.
The Land Rover was so high off the ground it was like being a queen. The road seemed small and the horizon huge as we bumped our way towards town. Tommy chain-smoked Marlboro Reds and put a Sting compilation on the CD player.
‘Cool, huh?’ he said, watching me touch the thick moulded plastic and shiny fittings.
‘Yeah.’ I’d never been in anything like it before. I imagined it was the kind of luxury only presidents and Americans could have.
‘So, where d’you want to work?’
Work? My heart leaped. ‘I thought we were going shopping?’
‘Well, after that.’
I thought for a moment, a collage of all the countries I had ever heard about swam in front of me. Germany, Holland, England, Italy, America . . .
‘London,’ I said finally.
He laughed. ‘Everyone wants to work in London now.’
‘Adik went to London,’ I said.
‘Adik?’ He furrowed his brow like he was trying to remember something.
‘Yeah. He said you were taking him to Berlin. Now he’s in London.’
‘Is he?’ He turned a corner.
‘He sent me a postcard.’ I pulled the card out of my pocket, unfolded it and held it up so he could see.
‘Oh.’ For a moment he looked almost . . . disconcerted, sort of angry. I didn’t understand. Finally he said, ‘Well maybe they didn’t want him in Germany.’
‘You mean you didn’t take him to London?’
‘No! I took him to Berlin.’ He paused for a second, his eyes scanning the road ahead. ‘But, you know, it’s cool, sometimes it happens like that. You have to go where the work is. Be prepared to travel if your boss asks you.’
‘OK.’ I nodded eagerly. I would travel! I didn’t mind moving around! I wanted him to know that I understood, that I was grown up and mature.
‘There are jobs for waitresses in London,’ he said.
‘Like serving food and stuff?’
‘Yes. Exactly.’
We sat in silence for a bit and I thought about how it would be to be a waitress in London. I imagined a busy, bustling restaurant full of stylish people, the loud chatter of intelligent conversation, food made from the best ingredients, me sweeping around the tables like a dancer, smiling and laughing and having the best time of my life. I read once in one of Tetya Svetlana’s magazines about a new restaurant in Moscow. A place for the Solntsevskaya, the Mafia, who have all the money, but will also have you killed if you look at them the wrong way. The entrance was made of marble imported especially from Italy, and the food, they said, was the best in the world. The pictures showed beautiful waitresses in black dresses with clean white aprons.
‘Will I have to wear a uniform?’
‘Of course,’ he said. ‘You have to look good if you are going to work abroad. This is why we are going shopping.’ And he told me about the wonderful life in the West that was waiting for me. The life that is exactly the same as you read about in all the newspapers and magazines.
By the time we got into town it had started raining again so he parked the Land Rover right outside the row of shops where there was a McDonald’s and a Zara and a Mexx and a mobile-phone shop and a branch of Pervomayskaya Zarya. He took me into Zara, where the clothes looked more expensive than I could ever afford. One small T-shirt cost the same as a week of Father’s wages.
‘Choose something you like,’ he said. ‘I’ve just got to make a phone call.’ He flipped open his mobile and stepped outside.
I hid behind a rail of winter coats and ran my hands through the soft wool and velvet. I didn’t even know what size would fit me, and in the clean, bright space of the shop I could smell my dirty clothes and muddy boots. I felt the shop assistant staring at me, so I tried to look businesslike, as if I really belonged there in the clean world of new clothes and polished floorboards.
‘Can I help you?’
The assistant towered over me, her lip curling up like a wet slug.
‘Er . . .’ I didn’t know what to say. I pointed at Tommy, who was pacing up and down outside, gesticulating as he was talking. ‘I’m with him,’ I said.
‘Ah.’ She raised an eyebrow. The kind of look that says I know what you’re doing, except she didn’t know anything at all.
‘I’m going to London,’ I said. ‘To be a waitress.’
‘Ah,’ she said again. Then her eyes softened and she opened her mouth like she was about to ask me a question, but Tommy walked in and she backed off, busying herself folding sweaters into neat squares.
‘What’ve you got then?’
I picked out a red T-shirt and handed it to him. ‘Is that all?’
I shrugged.
‘You need more than that!’ He looked around the shop, flicking quickly through the rails. I could feel the shop assistant staring but I didn’t look over. He picked out some miniskirts, a blue blouse, a pair of jeans and a thin top made out of floating see-through material. ‘Here. Try these on.’
I went into the changing room which, despite the modern-looking inside of the shop, was a dusty cupboard hidden by a thick cream curtain. There was an old dressing mirror propped up against the wall.
Everything was just a little too big. The miniskirts kept slipping down over my hips and the sleeves of the blouse fell over my hands. I could see my breasts through the floaty top. It was like I had shrunk inside the clothes, and my muddy boots made me look almost comical, like a clown.
When I went back into the shop, Tommy sighed. ‘Don’t you have any s
maller sizes?’ he asked the assistant.
She stared at him. ‘We don’t stock children’s clothes in this store.’
Tommy blinked. ‘I’ll take them,’ he said, pulling out his wallet. ‘All.’ He counted out the notes slowly.
‘Don’t you want them wrapped?’ she asked, staring at me as I tried to keep the skirt held up, hitching my thumb into the belt loop.
Then he said something really weird. He stopped counting out the money and leaned towards her and said, ‘I know people, you know.’
She flicked her eyes away from him and started to add up the amount on her till.
Tommy turned to me and smiled, a wide, flashy grin.
‘You need some shoes,’ he said, and wandered towards the side of the shop where there were shelves of shoes on the wall. ‘What size are you?’
He picked out a pair of blue sling backs with high heels and open toes and threw them on the floor in front of me.
‘Try them on.’
I kicked off my boots and stepped into the shoes. Instantly I felt taller and more grown up, although I couldn’t walk. It was like standing on stilts or sharp stones. They were the kind of shoes Tetya Svetlana would put on the minute she got in from outside, taking off her fur-lined boots to change into something more elegant, high-heeled, usually with diamanté straps.
I wobbled but he didn’t seem to notice. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to waitress in such high shoes. I’d have to practise.
‘We’ll take them too.’
The assistant wrapped up the clothes I wasn’t wearing in fine sheets of tissue paper, like they were precious objects. I held on to my old clothes, not sure what to do with them. Tommy seemed impatient, tapping his foot and staring at the poster on the wall behind the till, a picture of a tall, beautiful woman, with pearly white teeth, modelling jeans and a crisp white shirt.
He snatched the bag away from the assistant when she was done.
Outside he seemed really angry and I wondered for a second if it was me, if I’d done anything wrong.
‘Stupid bitch,’ he muttered as he leaned over the steering wheel to start the car.
After that, he took me to a hairdresser to get my hair cut, and then told me that he knew it was a personal matter, but girls my age needed good underwear, and he gave me some notes and made me go into Pervomayskaya Zarya and pick out some knickers and a new bra.
When he mentioned underwear I got so ashamed I thought I might just burn up inside. I didn’t want him to know that I never wore underwear. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to wear it, but in the choice between buying food for Viktor and new clothes, underwear lost out.
‘Now, we need papers,’ Tommy said, when I got back in the car with my plastic bag full of knickers.
‘Papers?’
‘Passport,’ he said in English, slowly, like I was dumb.
I didn’t like the way that he was being impatient with me, and it was starting to get late in the afternoon. I was worried about Viktor. Kolya and Mikki would be bored of looking after him by now. I just hoped they hadn’t done anything stupid with him. ‘Can’t we do that tomorrow?’
‘No. Tonight. My friend is only in town tonight.’
‘Tonight? But I thought we were going back soon?’
‘No.’ He stopped the car abruptly and turned to look at me. ‘I told you. If you want a job, this is how it is. If you don’t want to do it, that’s up to you.’ He shrugged. ‘But then maybe you’d like to pay me for all those clothes? Eh? For wasting my time? If I thought you were going to be a baby about this I—’
‘No! No!’ I said. ‘It’s OK.’ I tried to push the worry about Viktor right to the back of my head. ‘I mean yes, I want to go.’ He had spent so much money on me, the thought of having to pay him back made me feel ill.
‘Good.’
He drove a few miles out of the city to the west, to a square of apartment blocks that were newer and cleaner than ours. On the balconies they had potted plants and furniture and awnings, and satellite dishes that stuck out of the walls like cartoon ears. There was even a new asphalt car park, although none of the cars parked in it were as new and flashy as the Land Rover.
‘Come on then.’
It was already starting to get dark; the sun had dissolved into a line of light above the pine trees on the horizon. I shivered in my thin clothes, my legs came out in a rash of goosebumps and I stumbled in my heels. Tommy strode on ahead of me like he was in a hurry. I trotted after him, holding my skirt up with my hand. Everything was suddenly moving too fast and I didn’t like it.
‘Is it the same as Adik?’ I asked. ‘The same people who made the passport for him?’
‘Yes,’ Tommy said.
That made me feel a bit safer. Adik was all right, so I was sure it would be the same for me. I couldn’t imagine then what could possibly go wrong. I was going to London to get a job, that was it, simple. I didn’t have any idea how I was going to get there, but it would be exciting. I was going to make money for Father and Viktor, and my mother would be proud of me, and Tommy was just a regular guy who wanted to give me a helping hand. I told myself that there wasn’t anything to be afraid of, it was all going to be cool, and before I knew it I would see Adik and we would marvel together at our lucky escape and our new lives, just like we always dreamed we would.
It makes me want to laugh now, when I think how stupid I was, like a deer in winter, driven from the trees by the frozen ground in which nothing can grow. Slowly sniffing its way out of safety, knowing that going back means it will probably die from hunger, and that if it goes forward it will have to run faster than the men with shotguns who lurk around the edges of the forest. The weather makes it easy for the hunters, they don’t even have to track. Just lay a trail of food, and hang around, nipping on their flasks of vodka, waiting for the prey to come to them.
19
Oksana
Inside the flat was a warm, steamy fug of cooking and cigarettes. The minute I got inside I wondered why I’d been so nervous. There was a woman in the kitchen at the stove, stirring a boiling pan of pasta, and the man who opened the door to us grinned and shook my hand like I was an old member of his family.
‘Welcome, welcome.’ He was almost bowing as I walked behind Tommy into the living room where there was a huge sofa, a big TV, a computer, a desk and stacks of winking electronic equipment.
‘Sit down! Be comfortable!’
There was another girl there too, Katya. She didn’t look up from the war film that was on the TV, just grunted as I sank down into the sofa next to her.
‘Is this her?’ the man asked, pointing at me. He was a thin, wiry guy with a cigarette tucked behind his ear. He had a gold front tooth instead of a real one, which made him look like a pirate when he smiled.
‘Yes,’ Tommy said.
‘OK.’ He pursed his lips and looked at me. ‘Could you stand up again, sweetheart, just for a second. I need to measure your height.’
I stood up again and he leaned back from me and pinched his chin, like he was trying to figure something out.
‘Sixteen with a bit of make-up,’ he said, shaking his head and smiling at me. ‘At a push. You really know how to pick them, Tom-boy.’
Tommy grinned and lit a cigarette. He flopped on to the sofa next to the girl, who was still staring glassy-eyed at the screen: men running and yelling and lots of shouting, shooting and explosions. It was so loud it was kind of distracting.
‘OK, out here, if you don’t mind.’
I followed the man down the corridor into another room. Here there was a camera and a tripod and a sleek laptop set up on a desk next to a big double bed.
‘You got any make-up, sweetheart?’
‘No.’
He sucked his teeth and said, ‘Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.’ Then he shouted. ‘Hey, Katya! Can I borrow some of your make-up?’
There was no reply.
‘Go into the bathroom, sweetheart, put some make-up on. You know, a little lipstick.’ He drew an
imaginary line across his lips.
On the way back down the corridor to the bathroom, I passed the kitchen again. The woman was still in there, pouring water into a kettle. She looked up and smiled at me. Her face was doughy and sweaty, bright red hair tucked behind her ears.
‘Hey!’ She beckoned me into the kitchen. ‘Welcome!’ She kissed me on both cheeks. ‘Call me Mama! You look like you need some hot food. Tonight! You will eat with us!’
‘Oh,’ I said, ‘I’m sorry, I have to go home.’ Tempting as the food smells were, it was getting dangerously late, and even if Tommy drove really fast I wasn’t sure we would get home before Father got back from work.
She frowned. ‘Home? They said you were here for the work.’
‘Oh yes! I am!’
‘Then you stay for supper. I would think of it as personal if you didn’t.’
Suddenly there seemed to be so many rules; it made me confused. ‘But I have to go home, to my brother. I have to look after him.’
‘Your brother? Didn’t Tommy take care of that?’
‘No, he only paid Kolya and Mikki to look after him for the afternoon!’
But it was like she wasn’t listening. ‘You know, you worry too much, and worry, it makes people grow old before their time. You are young, you need to live a little. Here you are in my flat, ready to leave on an adventure and already you want to go home!’
‘No, I didn’t mean that!’
‘Of course you didn’t!’ She smiled and touched my face and in spite of the heat in the kitchen her hands were icy cold. ‘Go and get ready for Pitor, sweetheart. I know he wants his supper too.’
In the small bathroom there were two make-up cases on top of the toilet cistern. I found some pink lipstick and mascara and, as I applied them, I wondered what the woman had meant about me being ready to leave on an adventure. I wasn’t ready to go anywhere yet. I had to say goodbye to Father, organize someone to look after Viktor. They were moving too fast. I didn’t remember telling Tommy I was ready to go away right now, but then I wasn’t sure if he’d said something and maybe I wasn’t listening properly.