“Nothing’s wrong.” His voice sounded angry as he moved a short distance away.
Feeling duly rebuffed, she snapped, “So it’s me you don’t like? I’m sorry. I guess I had it all wrong.”
“I do like you, Erica—too much. That’s the problem. And please stop saying you’re sorry.” He briskly rubbed his pink cheek with his fingertips.
“Maybe you should go put something on that,” Erica suggested, pity taking the sharp edge off her anger. She felt bad for her outburst. Anyone suffering as he was wouldn’t have kissing on his mind.
“It can wait. There’s something I need to say.” He stood, uneasy, as if trying to figure out how to begin. “My sister got pregnant when she was a senior in high school. It was a secret closely guarded by our family, even in this small town. Wes didn’t even know about it.”
Erica drew her brows together. So why was he telling her?
“She moved to the city to stay with friends of my mom’s until the baby came. Then she gave her away in an open adoption. Once Susan returned home, her boyfriend—a guy I’d idolized—didn’t want anything to do with her, so she tried to commit suicide. My parents put her in a mental hospital a hundred miles away and told everyone she was off visiting relatives. My sister screwed up her life in more ways than one, though I could never call Taylor a mess. She’s in high school missions now. Her adoptive family sends Susan pictures each birthday and keeps her informed, which is how I know all that.”
Erica frowned during Ryan’s awkward spiel. So Ryan’s sister had given away her daughter, too, though the circumstances were much different than Erica’s. Still, Erica didn’t understand what this had to do with the present. “Why are you telling me this, Ryan?”
He shoved his hands in his pockets and studied the bushes nearby. “When Susan snapped and I saw the bandages on her wrists, I swore I’d never end up in a situation like hers. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I treated the girls I dated in high school just as badly as Susan’s boyfriend treated her. Using them to get what I wanted and not giving any thought to what could happen next. When I thought my sister was going to die, and I saw how badly her heart was broken over the jerk, I wondered how many girls I might have hurt, too. I became a Christian during that time, and I vowed to myself and to God that I’d never date again. That I would wait until He shows me who to marry, if I’m to marry.” He looked at her again. “I was wrong to have kissed you, Erica. I don’t want to complicate things between us.”
“There’s no need to make a federal case of it, Ryan. It was just a simple kiss.”
His eyes were sober. “Was it?”
So he had felt the connection, too. Yet she was determined not to let him see how he’d hurt her. “Why didn’t you tell me this before today?”
“I had to call Susan and get permission to tell her story. She’s happily married now and living in Tennessee, but she’s not at home much and is hard to get ahold of.”
“But—when you told me that you wanted to take it slow and easy…”
“You’re right. I shouldn’t have put it like that.” He sneezed.
She looked at his jaw and frowned. “The rash is spreading. You really should go take care of it.”
“I need to get home anyway. I’ll put something on it then and take some antihistamines, too. But before I go, please tell me things are still okay between us. I never meant to hurt you, and I certainly never meant to lead you on.”
“I know. The fault’s as much mine as it is yours. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions.”
Erica smiled through her disappointment. Yet she couldn’t help be envious of the unknown woman Ryan would one day marry.
Chapter 7
R yan pulled his car into Wes’s drive, noticing Erica peek out the window then quickly draw back. He couldn’t blame her for not wanting to see him. Not after last week.
When he was a teenager, it had been difficult to keep his self-made vow to God. As the years progressed and any temptation arose, he learned to take it to the Lord in prayer and forget about it. Until this past January, when he’d met Erica on the bus, he’d been successful. Now Erica taunted his thoughts daily. Nor had he been able to get their sweet kiss erased from his memory bank.
Ryan left the car and knocked on the front door. “Hey,” he said, when she opened it a short time later.
“Hey back.” Her words sounded uncertain. Obviously she wondered what he was doing there.
“Ready to go?”
Surprise touched her eyes. “You’re coming with us?”
“Actually, I’m taking you. Wes couldn’t get off work, so I offered.”
“Oh.” She hesitated before sending a wisp of a smile his way. “Then I guess I’m ready.”
Ryan wished there were something he could say or do to smooth things between them, but it was probably best to say nothing. Hopefully, any tension would ease up soon.
The forty-five-minute drive passed with little said. Using Wes’s directions, Ryan found the place and pulled into a clearing in the woods. An abandoned cabin stood there. Erica clutched the door handle, though she made no attempt to get out.
“It’s just like I remember in my dream,” she said, her voice faint. “When Wes told me our old cabin wasn’t far, I knew I had to come. To see for myself. I thought I was ready for this…now I’m not so sure.”
“You going to be okay?” Ryan asked, noticing how she had paled.
She gave a faint nod. “I had the ministry team pray with me Sunday. For courage to face whatever I might find and for God to help me put any missing pieces together.”
“Then He will.”
She sucked in her lower lip, her doubtful gaze still on the ramshackle building.
He reached over to squeeze her hand. “Sometimes we have to confront our pasts to be able to go on in the present and live fulfilling lives. But remember, Erica, it’s only the past. It can’t hurt you. Not unless you let it.”
“I know.” She took a deep breath and held it. “I never told anyone this, but I had a friend in fourth grade. Before we moved, I used to pretend her parents were mine…that when her mother baked cookies, it was for me—her little girl. And when her father played softball with us, that he was my daddy, too. I even called them by those names, though I sensed it made them uncomfortable.”
Raw pain filled every nuance of her expression. “Margaret and Darrin never loved me. They adopted me to do a good deed and be elevated in their social circle of the community. Oh, they saw to every material need I had. I went to elite private schools and had the best education money could buy. The nicest clothes, a roomful of expensive toys—everything a child could possibly want. At least that’s what I was told often enough.” Her words were mocking, bitter.
Before Ryan could respond, Erica wrenched open the door and got out. He followed suit, coming around to her side of the car. She turned tormented eyes his way.
“Why’d she do it, Ryan? Why’d she sign away her own children?”
“I thought Wes told you—”
Erica gave an impatient wave of her hand. “Oh, yeah, sure. He told me that when he found her years ago, she told him she did drugs. I know all that. But it doesn’t excuse the fact that my mama gave us away to strangers! Like unwanted secondhand shoes!”
Erica rushed toward the porch. Before reaching it, she picked up a good-sized rock and hurled it at the cabin. Thankfully, her aim wasn’t the greatest. It just missed the window. Ryan hurried to stop her before she could try again.
“Erica, listen! You have every right to be angry—I understand. Believe me, I do. But this isn’t the way to deal with your anger.”
“Take your hand off my arm, Ryan,” she seethed between her teeth. “I want to break every window in that horrible place, then watch it burn to the ground!”
She struggled to get away. He wasn’t getting through to her, so he did the only thing he knew to do, the only thing he wanted. He drew her close and held her tightly. At first she fought—hard. Finally, w
hen she saw she wasn’t getting anywhere, she wilted against him. Her agonized sobs pierced the air, making painful stabs at his heart.
“Shh, it’s okay,” he murmured, planting a few kisses atop her head until she stilled. He pulled back, wishing he had a handkerchief. With his thumbs he wiped away her tears. “Feel any better?”
She shrugged.
“Let’s sit down.” Once they settled on the top porch step, he looked at her. “I know that right now all you feel is the pain. But, Erica, deep down I think your mama loved you.”
“Yeah, right.” She grew rigid, but he put up a hand to stop the rest of her terse words.
“Let me finish. She told Wes that on one occasion—when she woke from her drug stupor and realized two days had passed—that during that time anything could’ve happened to you and the others without her knowledge. She realized then that she wasn’t fit to raise you. She thought she could get over her drug habit the first time someone called social services. But after two years and countless failures, she gave up and signed the papers.”
Erica’s hands on her lap tightened into fists. He didn’t know if it would do much good to continue, or even what he could say to get through her self-made blockade. But he tried again. “I think she must have felt what Moses’ mother felt when she put him in that reed basket and sent him down the Nile for his own good. Like Moses’ mother, your mother knew that life with her was dangerous to her children. She made the ultimate sacrifice, Erica. For you.”
“Sure she did.” Erica compressed her lips and blinked, as if trying to keep more tears at bay. “I wish I could believe that. I really, really do. But I can’t.” She shot to her feet and wandered down the porch steps to the periphery of tall pines circling the mountain cabin.
Ryan longed to know what was on her mind. Please, God, he sent up a silent prayer. Show her what it is that she so desperately wants to know, and reassure her as only You know how.
After a time of walking near the fringe of trees, Erica retraced her steps to the house. Before turning at the south corner, she looked at Ryan, as if about to say something, then stopped. Her brows came together, and she lowered her gaze to the bottom of the porch. All of a sudden, she fell to her knees on the grass and dropped down on all fours.
“Erica?” Puzzled, Ryan moved her way. When he reached her, she had wriggled halfway under the crawl space of the porch, only her jean-clad legs showing.
“Oh! It’s here. Oh, Ryan…”
She backed out, holding a misshapen grayish clump of material with a scrap of faded red around its middle. One black button eye remained, the painted smile from the circular doll face barely discernible. Only a few pinkish-white pieces of yarn were still attached to the cloth head.
“Red Baby.” She said the name as if it were a coveted treasure she held and not a mildewed scrap of rags. Sitting back on her legs, she brought it to her chest and stared at the trees, her eyes going distant. The gentle breeze played with her long hair, lifting the top strands as if in a caress. Suddenly she turned wide eyes his way. Ryan knew he’d never forget the expression on her face as long as he lived.
“I remember,” she said in awe. “Mama told us that some nice people were coming to take us to better homes. I cried and told her I didn’t want to go. She held me on her lap and cried with me, then pushed me away and ordered me not to cry, that she was only doing it for my own good. I ran out of the house, angry, and hid under the porch with my doll. I was determined no one would find me. But I got hungry and sneaked into the kitchen for an apple. That’s when they came.”
Tears trickled from her lashes. “Oh, Ryan, you must be right. Mama cried with me and held me. She didn’t want me to go, either. So she must’ve loved me some…”
Emotion clutched Ryan’s throat. He crouched beside her and laid a gentle hand on her shoulder. “I’m sure she did, Erica. After all, how could she keep from it?”
At his quiet words, shock filled her eyes. He stood to his feet, wishing he could retrieve the hasty comment. He knew he loved her. But it didn’t matter what he wanted. He’d made a vow.
“Are you ready to go?” he asked gruffly. “We have a long drive ahead.”
She nodded. “I think I’m finally laying my ghosts to rest.” A soft smile lit her face. “I’m going to make it, Ryan. I’m truly going to make it.”
“Of course you are.” He helped her up and squeezed her hand, allowing the contact to last no more than a second. Then he turned and walked to the car.
After a silent and uncomfortable drive, they finally approached Wes’s house. Erica noticed a shiny red car in the driveway. She watched the front door to the house fly open, and a chic woman with short, frosted blond hair came hurrying down the steps. Erica had no more than opened her car door and stepped out when the woman— shorter than her by almost a foot—gave her a breathless smile.
“Erica?” she asked. “But of course, you’re Erica! You and Wes have the same eyes.”
Before Erica could reply, she found herself engulfed in a heartfelt hug, surprisingly strong coming from such a petite woman. Stunned, Erica shot a look at Ryan, but he only shrugged.
“I’m Paula Rothner,” the woman laughingly explained as she pulled back. “Your long-lost sister.”
Tears pricked Erica’s eyes. “Paula?”
The woman nodded, clasping Erica’s upper arms. “I was ten last time I saw you. Oh, but you still have the same sweet face!”
“Paula…” This time Erica returned the tight hug. Any lingering gray clouds that had revisited her at the return of Ryan’s emotional distance blew away from her heart. “We weren’t expecting you until day after tomorrow, but I’m so glad you came early.”
Paula’s shining eyes surveyed Erica from head to foot, then darted to the faded clump of material she held. Her brows drew together in puzzlement. “What is that?”
Erica looked at the dilapidated doll. “I found it under the porch of our old cabin. It’s my old doll.”
“Red Baby? To think it was there all that time…” Paula’s expression sobered. “Stacey told me you went to the cabin.”
“I had to see it.”
“I understand. Let’s talk over coffee. Stacey and Wes went for some takeout fried chicken.” Paula looked at Ryan for the first time. “You must be Wes’s friend—Ryan, isn’t it? I’ve heard a lot about you.”
“All good I hope.”
“Let’s just say that I never knew someone as ‘meek as a lamb’ could look so strong.”
Ryan groaned. “Maybe I don’t want to know the rest. Stacey’s always loved to tease me, ever since high school. I never knew if it was because she was an only child or if it’s because she’s two years older than me.”
Paula’s eyes twinkled. “She ordered me to tell you to stay for dinner.”
He hesitated as though he might accept, then shook his head. “I can’t. Saturdays are laundry days, and I have plenty. I’m sure you have a lot of catching up to do, without me around.”
Erica felt a stab of disappointment and managed what she hoped was a dazzling farewell smile, as if she didn’t care whether he stayed or not. “Okay, then. Thanks for the ride, Ryan. See you around.” She turned her back on him and walked toward the house, ignoring Paula’s curious upraised brow.
“Yeah, see you…” Erica couldn’t help but hear the confusion in his voice. Knowing she’d behaved immaturely, and remembering how sweet he’d been at the cabin when she was falling apart, she looked his way. He hadn’t moved from his spot.
“Thanks, Ryan.” She gave him a genuine smile this time. “For being the best friend a girl ever had.”
He stared at her a few seconds before replying. “Any time, Erica.” His smile was faint as he turned to go.
She had tried to make amends for her bad behavior. Why did he still seem upset?
Once inside, Erica put water on the stove to heat. Paula spotted a pan on the counter, and with a spoon she reached for a messy dessert square. One small chunk had already be
en taken out.
“Don’t eat those!” Erica blurted, startling Paula into snatching back her hand. “I forgot to throw them away,” she meekly added.
“Throw them away?” Paula eyed the yellow, white-powdered topping in confusion.
“I’m taking an online cooking class,” Erica explained, feeling the blush rise to her face. “And I didn’t have a lemon, so I substituted lemon juice. Only I didn’t know that when it’s concentrated you’re only supposed to use a little. Three tablespoons are equal to one lemon, I found out. Only I didn’t know that at the time, because Peggy had torn off the label, and all I had to look at was a green bottle.”
Paula raised her brows at Erica’s haphazard explanation. “So how much did you put in?”
“Um…one cup for each lemon.” The words were reluctant. “And the recipe called for two lemons, so the bars are really tart, not to mention runny.”
Paula tried to suppress a smile, but it ended in a laugh. She put her arm around Erica’s shoulders. “Don’t feel bad. I’m no cook, either.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. It must be an inherited trait or something.”
Both women giggled, and Erica set about making some raspberry herb tea. “Do you use sweetener?”
“Just a teaspoon of honey. Not the jar.” Paula winked to take the sting off her joke.
Erica rolled her eyes and grinned. She prepared both cups, taking them to the table. “Now that we’re finally together, I have no idea where to start.”
“Tell me about what happened today,” Paula suggested. “And how you found Red Baby.”
Erica sobered. “Okay. Maybe you can help fill in the blanks.”
For the next several minutes, Paula listened, her eyes sympathetic. “How hard it must have been for you, not knowing! I was older so I remember more than either you or Wes do.” Paula looked down at her tea and stirred it. “Mama not only had a drug problem, she drank. Sometimes she was so wasted, she couldn’t do the simplest things. I took care of you and Wes when Mama would pass out.” Her lips lifted in a slight smile, and she stretched her hand across the table to cover Erica’s. “You were my live baby doll; I loved you so much.”
Sweet Surprise: Romance Collection Page 25