by Paul Kelly
“It is not always appreciated so greatly, Freya, “ he said with a sadness in his voice that worried her and she tried to cheer him up.
“Think if you had a few more children you could start your own orchestra,” she said in a cheerful note, but Robert frowned and looked the other way.
“I would never want any more children,” he said solemnly. “Cameron is my life. He is all I would or could ever want. Do you remember what I said when I was in hospital after my accident?”
“Yes, of course I do, why?”
“I wanted to die then. I had no wish to live and it was only the thought of Cameron that changed my mind.”
Freya felt unhappy when Robert spoke to her about death as she could not believe what she was hearing after having heard Robert play as he did. She was sure there were few violinists who could play as he did.
“But ... but with your second wife ... Sarah, is that her name?”
“Yes. I thought she was different. She was a musician too as I have told you and I thought we had a lot in common, but I was shattered and it would have been better if I had never loved her as I did.”
Freya looked away before she spoke again.
“You say you loved her, so would you not have wanted to have children with her then?”
Robert rubbed his forehead with the palm of his hand.
“You have to have love to have children,” he said
“But you have just told me that you loved Sarah.”
“But what I didn’t tell you was that Sarah didn’t love me. I think now she hated me and still does.”
Freya looked shocked.
“I find that hard to believe, Robert. Perhaps I should never tell you, but I think you have so much to offer a woman and especially in marriage.”
At that, Robert broke down and cried and Freya put her arm around his shoulder, but he pulled away.
“Don’t ... don’t ever do anything like that again ... please,” he said, “I can’t give you anything in return if that is what you want. I have nothing to offer anyone, let alone a woman and a woman like you, Freya. You should never have come to see me. That was a mistake. My mistake ... and I think it would be better if you left now.”
Freya rose slowly from the sofa. She was full of sadness for Robert, but it seemed that whatever she did or said, he would never change his mind in what he thought of himself. She tried to excuse his behaviour telling herself that all musicians were temperamental and that was part of the vocation as she turned to leave the flat.
“I will leave you then, if that’s what you want,” she said slowly, hoping that by some chance he might change his mind and ask her to stay, but Robert said nothing. He only kept his head low as he fumbled for his handkerchief in his pocket to dry his tears.
Freya walked home alone and sad. She was sure that whatever Robert said or thought, he would figure greatly in her life, but there seemed to be no logic in her thoughts.
Chapter Fourteen
TWO WEEKS LATER
It seemed like an age since Freya last saw Robert, as every day in his absence gave her pain and anguish and she knew there was nothing she could do about it. Even her work at the cafe gave her no release and she could not get him from her mind.
What did he mean when he said he had nothing to offer anyone when he had so much talent? If he couldn’t have children with Sarah, because of what he thought about her and how she didn’t love him as he wanted her to do, couldn’t he have children with someone else who WOULD AND COULD LOVE HIM ... given the chance. It seemed to Freya then that Robert had no feelings for her or he couldn’t have felt as he did and she wanted to cry. She had a desolation in her very soul and then ... and only then did she begin to realize what Robert was going through. Love was everything to him. He also felt desolate; she felt sure of that, but what could she do to make him love her?
Freya moved lifelessly amongst the tables of the cafe. She had no interest whatsoever in what she was doing and Mr. Haggerstone was becoming aware that something was amiss, as Freya was one of the best waitresses he had ever had.
“Don’t know what’s wrong with you, girl. You’re walking around in a daze. I know that love can do that to a person, so if you’re in love and need some time off, just let me know, will you?” he said as he wiped down one of the tables.
Freya looked lost when he spoke to her and for the first few moments, she couldn’t understand what he was talking about.
“Love?” she asked, “Love? ... oh! no, I’m not in love. Whatever made you think that, Mr. Haggerstone?”
“Well, when I was courting my missus, she used to look like you do now, DEAD, and it was only after I asked her to marry me that she became alive again. So what’s wrong with you girl, if your not in love?”
Freya wanted to laugh. She never ever imagined Mr. Haggerstone; or old Buggerlugs as they called him; the plump little middle-aged man with the glossy bald pate, as a romantic person who could make any woman swoon, but apparently she had judged him wrongly and she then began to wonder what Mrs. Haggerstone looked like.
“I’m just a little under the weather, Mr. Haggerstone,” she said, “I’ll feel better when I’ve had a good night’s sleep,” and as she spoke, Jenny popped her head around the door, ready to begin her shift.
“ Maybe you could have a word with this one,” said old Buggerlugs to Jenny, and the latter raised her eyebrows in surprise.
“Word with who?” she asked and Buggerlugs corrected her English, “With WHOM,” he snapped and pointed to Freya.
“Oh! We girls have days when things don’t go to well for us, Mr. Haggerstone. You should know that, you being an old married man,” said Jenny, but old Buggerlugs corrected her again.
“Less of the old, if you don’t mind, I’m only ... er thirty-five or thereabouts,” he muttered and left the cafe to go to his ‘lovely missus’.
“What IS the matter, Freya?” asked Jenny, as she was concerned, having seen her friend in a sad state the day before. . . “You’re not in any trouble, are you?”
Freya assured her friend that she wasn’t in any trouble and that she was just a little tired, having slept rather badly for the past few nights.
“Like me, I guess,” added Jenny, “I don’t know what to do about this,” she said pointing to her ‘bump’ “It’s beginning to show, isn’t it and last night, I happened to bump into my ‘creep’ friend. You know, the one I told you about.”
Freya looked anxious when Jenny told her of her chance meeting.
“Did he speak to you?” she asked and Jenny nodded.
“He noticed my ‘bump’ too,” she said “and I think he was a little alarmed as I feel sure he knows that I wouldn’t have got into this state if it hadn’t been for him.”
“Oh! Jenny, I hope so, but you know, men like that are loathe to admit to anything of that nature. It’s always someone else and never them. You should know that by now.”
“Easily said in foresight,” Jenny muttered as she studied her belly in disgust.
“Did he say anything to you ... about the future, Jenny?”
“Oh! yes, he did that alright. He told me to get rid of it and that he had too many responsibilities to be bothered with kids.”
Freya looked tenderly at Jenny and put her arms around her. “And are you?” she asked, “surely not.”
Jenny sighed and ran her fingers through her hair.
“I think he was afraid, though,” she went on, “because he offered me some money to get the job done, the bastard.”
“What? He offered you money? Why the ...”
Jenny grinned and told Freya that she told the ‘creep’ to get stuffed, but he was having none of it. He asked her where she lived and told her that he would continue to see her if only she would get rid of the baby.
“Yes, co
ntinue to see you for sex,” said Freya with a look of disgust on her face. “Jenny you can’t do this. Take the money he has to offer you, but don’t tell him where you live.”
“Too late, “said Jenny, “I’ve already told him and he’s coming round to see me the day after tomorrow at ten in the morning. That will be Thursday, wouldn’t it?”
“The day after tomorrow and this is Tuesday, yes that will be Thursday,” said Freya as she laughed at her primitive calculations of the days.
“Do you think it would help if I was there when he came to see you, Jenny?”
Jenny’s eyes flashed when Freya suggested that and she readily agreed, but asked her to stay in the bedroom until the negotiations were over and Freya accepted the situation ... but with great reluctance. She was anxious to see this ‘creep’ and give him the length of her tongue and then she reflected on her cafe shift. She would be on duty on Thursday afternoon, so that was O.K. Old Haggerstone always did the morning shifts.
***
Freya crouched in the bedroom as she had agreed to do with her ear was against the door in case she might miss anything that was going on, but as she squatted rather uncomfortably on the floor, she looked around for somewhere more comfortable where she could sit AND STILL HEAR WHAT WAS GOING ON, but she decided the best place was on the floor by the door. She just didn’t want to miss a thing.
Moments passed and she could hear the doorbell ring, followed by the exchange of mumbled voices. Jenny seemed to be arguing at first and then the male voice complained that she should do as he suggested and take the money, so that their friendship could continue and it was at this point that Freya’s eyes widened and she became angry.
Without further ado, she opened the bedroom door, much to Jenny’s surprise and also to the male who stood beside her.
“I think you had better leave and GO NOW,” she said to the man who gasped as he stared at Freya, before he turned on his heels and left the flat. Freya stared at the floor. “How much did he give you, Jenny?” she asked and Jenny stood with her mouth open, unable to answer.
“But ... but Freya.” she stammered, “He had hardly had time to say anything when you came in on us. I thought you had agreed to stay in the bedroom unless I called if I was in any difficulty.”
“How much did he give you?” Freya asked again and Jenny produced a handful of notes from her pocket, which amounted to £500 in twenty pound notes.
“But Freya ... We hadn’t agreed on anything. You never gave us time. Didn’t you think ... Well, didn’t you think he was handsome as I said he was.”
“I suppose some women could say he was handsome, but I didn’t think so,” she replied as she turned to look out of the window. “Well I wouldn’t really, would I when I had been married to him, even if it was only such a short time ...?”
Chapter Fifteen
Jenny ran after Freya as she was about to leave the flat.
“Oh my God,” she screamed, “I had no idea. Please believe me Freya. I thought ... “
“You thought he was good and true and a hundred percent on the level, didn’t you?” Freya replied but her eyes were angry and Jenny didn’t know what else to say.
“I’m sorry, Freya. I’m truly sorry,”
Freya shrugged her shoulders,
“Well, Jenny. If you want him, feel free. You’re one hundred per cent free to do so, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. You’re not the first, after he married me and probably before, and you certainly won’t be the last.”
Jenny started to cry and Freya put her arms around her.
“Don’t cry Jenny. What are you going to do next?” she asked and Jenny dried her tears.
“I have to attend the clinic this afternoon,” she said, “Would it be too much to ask you to come with me? I’m afraid to go on my own now that I know ... know about him ...”
“I’m on duty this afternoon, Jenny,” she said, “Couldn’t you go on your own. They won’t bite you and you can be sure, HE won’t be there.”
“Oh please Freya, say you will come with me. I’ll get on to old Buggerlugs and make some excuse. He won’t sack you now anyway, you know that.”
Freya looked to the sky and shrugged her shoulders,
“O.K, but I’ll go right back to the cafe when we’ve finished. What time is your appointment?”
“Two-thirty, I think. Wait, I have a card here in my bag.” Jenny searched into her already bulging handbag and after some shuffling about she produced the clinic visiting card. “Yes, two -thirty. They won’t take long, Freya. The last time I was there I was in an out in fifteen minutes. They just have a look to see if everything’s O.K. At that moment, the telephone rang. . . Oh! Freya,” Jenny called out as she was about to put the phone down, “Freya ... I am so sorry, the appointment for the clinic is next week ... I am so sorry. How could I have made a mistake like that? Stupid me,”
“You could go to the hospital and explain the situation, if you like Jenny ... the clinic is attached to the hospital anyway, isn’t it?”
“Yes, it is Freya but ...”
“But what, Jenny? If you’re comfortable to wait until next week then so be it, but if you are troubled about anything, I’m sure the hospital would understand and help out.“ said Freya as she sighed with impatience and thought how ‘normal’ it was for Jenny to do something daft like that.
“Yes, I think I had best go to the hospital Freya as I have been feeling rather down lately and I don’t think that could be a good thing for the baby, do you?”
“Well, you do whatever suits you Jenny, but if you at all worried, I would go to the hospital if I were you.”
***
Jenny decided that the hospital was the best bet under the circumstances and she and Freya got ready for the appointment that was to have been a week later, but Freya’s mind was on other things ... or rather on other people. She dismissed the thought of Sammy and considered him to be more of a bastard than she had ever thought before. She thought also, how he must have been the man that Jenny met when she was on duty at the cafe ... and all the time, Freya thought it might be Robert. After all, it was Robert she described to Jenny when she asked her to have a look out for him should he return to the cafe. Jenny must have thought she meant Sammy and being Jenny, she wanted the first chance of any man. . Serves her right, thought Freya and then corrected herself for being nasty and uncharitable ... before her thoughts turned to Robert. “I’ve ordered a taxi Freya. We’ll get to the hospital much quicker that
way, Are you ready?”
***
The taxi turned up at two-fifteen and took them to the hospital just in time for two-thirty, but as was expected Jenny didn’t get in to see the specialist for another half an hour as she hadn’t been expected on that day.
“I’ll nip down to the canteen and get us a coffee eh, Jenny.”
“O.K. Freya, but don’t be too long in case they call me in before the time.”
Freya nodded and went on her way, but the canteen looked as though she could have waited there for hours. The place was empty and she was the only person there.
“Can I have two coffees please, “ she asked, “one white and the other...”
“Black with just a very little sugar,” came a voice at her elbow and she turned to see Robert standing beside her. She looked around. The canteen was empty apart from herself and Robert.
“What are you doing here?” she asked him and he smiled, showing his famous dimple.
“I could ask you the same,” he said, “Let me get the coffees for you. It was two you wanted, wasn’t it? Are you with a friend?”
“Yes ... Yes,” she said and then hesitated. She knew that Robert knew Jenny from his visits to the cafe, but did he know that Jenny was pregnant? “Yes, I am with Jenny. You know Jenny, my friend from the cafe?”
“Ah! Yes, of course, Jenny and how is she now? Has she sorted out her trouble?”
Freya wanted to grin, but the matter was too serious for that.
“She is sorting it out now,” she replied and was amazed when Robert interrupted her by saying,
“The baby is not with us yet then, eh?” Freya stared at him as he gathered the coffees on a tray. “Will I take some sugar and cream do you think Freya? I don’t know how Jenny likes her coffee.”
“I’ll do that,” she said and led the way back to the reception room where Jenny was waiting, but she had already gone in to see the specialist and Freya and Robert sat on a bench together to wait for her.
“It is kind of you to come with Jenny,” he said, “How far has she gone in her pregnancy?”
Freya stared at him before she answered.
“How did you know Jenny was pregnant?” she enquired, but Robert simply raised his eyebrows and smiled,
“When you told me she was in some sort of trouble, I guessed that may be the reason for her worry ... I knew she wasn’t married. She told me that herself.”
“Did she now?”
“Yes, it was when I went to the cafe to enquire which shift you would be on.
I’m not a boy, Freya. I guessed Jenny was pregnant then and I was a little surprised that she seemed to be ‘coming on’ to me, but probably I was imagining that. You see, I am much older than both of you and I don’t shock easily or look too much surprised at anything I see.”
Freya looked around the canteen and then suddenly she asked Robert what HE was doing at the hospital but he looked away and she knew he had no answer to give her, but nevertheless she was surprised at the similarity of their visits.
Freya studied Robert’s face as he was speaking about ages.
“How old are you, if I may ask?” she said and he smiled again.
“Sixteen years older than you,” he replied and Freya got her ‘maths’ cap on again.