by Love, K. J.
“Damn, Kayla. It’s beyond me why the hell you’re still with that loser. Look, you’ve gotta get rid of this guy. You don’t want to be with him, so just tell him.”
“I’ve tried. Trust me. He just drives away and then calls and gives me this whole sob story about how he’s going to kill himself because he can’t live without me.”
Tessa being Tessa says “So, tell him to go ahead. Heck, if he wants to be that stupid let him. Besides, you know he is all talk. Quit feeling sorry for him and cut him loose.”
Deep down I know she is right. We’ve just been through so much and honestly, I’m not that confident. I have very low self-esteem, I don’t know why really. Truthfully, a psychiatrist would probably have a field day with me. I’m always trying to please everyone and keep the peace because of this. It just kills me if someone doesn’t like me. People pleaser number one here, yup, that’s me.
“I can’t go, Tessa. Not tonight.”
“Fine, it’s your loss then. I just hope that one day you will see that he is playing you.”
“I just can’t hurt him like that. You know what we have been through.”
Even as I say that to her, I have to be honest with myself if no one else. The thought of seeing him or him touching me makes me physically sick.
“Kayla, I know, but are you going to stand before God and promise to be with him for the rest of your life when you can’t stand for him to even touch you anymore? You have to quit trying to please everyone else and start thinking about what you want.”
Tessa sighs and leaves me standing alone in the bedroom we share.
Why can’t I just tell him it’s over? I start to get ready because I’m sure David will be here soon. I have a sick feeling in the pit my stomach. At this point I’m not even sure I like him much less love him. I need to escape from here if only for a little while. Maybe once we move to the lake house I won’t see him as much and he will decide to move on. A girl can always dream.
I hear a knock at the door downstairs, followed by Lisa calling my name.
“Kayla. Kayla, honey, are you ready? David is here to pick you up.”
“I’ll be right down.” As I call from the top of the stairs, I dread each step that takes me closer to another night I just don't want to be a part of. When I reach the bottom step, there he stands, smiling at me. Giving him a small, fake smile, I do believe he really loves me. So how can I be so cruel? He hasn’t really done anything wrong. I’m afraid to look at the situation too closely because if I do, I may have to face the fact that what happened may have been God’s way of telling me this is not who I am meant to be with. Would that also mean that I should be grateful because if things had turned out differently, I would most definitely be stuck with this man for the rest of my life?
David walks over and gives me a kiss on the cheek and says “Hey, you look beautiful.”
I cringe not only from the kiss that he gave me, but from the distinct smell of pot on his clothes and it’s overwhelming. Lisa and Troy would never approve of me dating anyone that did any kind of drugs. Let’s not even talk about that fact that I’m engaged to someone who does them. I have told David not to smoke before he comes to their house. If I get kicked out of the Brooks’ home, I won’t have anywhere to live.
“Thank you.” I walk around him and quickly head for the door. He follows me closely and I smack into him when I turn back to tell Lisa bye. I roll my eyes. Then look around him, so that I can see Lisa. “I won’t be late. We are just going to get some food.”
“That’s fine, dear. Just make sure you are home by ten. It’s a school night.” Lisa walks over and kisses me lightly on the cheek.
She is a beautiful woman with short, platinum blonde hair and light blue eyes. She reminds me of a pixie. Such a soft spoken-woman of God. She is kind and madly in love with her husband. That is the type of love I’m looking for; she and Troy are perfect together. They say and do the sweetest things for one another. It’s very apparent to anyone who sees them together that they will be together forever.
“I’m sure I’ll be back before ten o’clock.” We walk out the door and he tries to wrap me up in a hug but I move away. “You stink, David. I’ve told you not to smoke before you come over here.”
“Really, Kayla? I can’t even get a hug. Don’t worry about them. They are clueless. Besides, you’re not going to be here much longer. We’ll be married and you’ll be living with me.”
“Sure, David. Living with you where? You don’t have money for a place and I definitely don’t have any money.” I open the door to his car and get in and slam it shut. David stands by my door for a minute just looking at me through the passenger side window. He shakes his head and walks around the car to get in.
David is attractive. He has dirty, blonde hair and blue eyes. The pot he smokes on a regular basis keeps them from being a bright blue, though, and the whites of his eyes are always red. He’s tall, over six feet, which means he towers over my five foot one inch frame.
He slides into the driver’s seat and just stares at me. “What is your problem? I swear you have completely changed since you started hanging out and living with Tessa. I really don’t understand what I’ve done. Don’t be like this. You know I’m working on getting us a place to live.”
“Look, I don’t want to talk about this again. Just drive to the restaurant and get some food so I can get back home.”
“Your attitude is really scaring me. I love you, Kayla. You know that, don’t you?”
“I know you do. Can we just not argue about this again? You’re living at your buddy’s house and sleeping on his couch because your mom kicked you out of the house again. I don’t blame her. You won’t even cut the grass when she asks you to. David, you have got to get your life together. Life is about more than staying high all the time.”
David lets out a frustrated breath and starts the car, then pulls onto the road to head toward town. David was in a terrible skiing accident before I met him. His back was injured and he still has issues with it. I’m sure it does bother him, but sometimes I think he uses it to get out of having to do stuff.
He drives a brand new Ford Mustang GT that he bought with the settlement money he received from the ski resort. I’m not sure why the resort had to pay him money. I’m assuming they were at fault somehow. He also bought me a used Honda Civic so that I would have a car to get back and forth to school in. David continues to be good to me, which makes it even harder for me to justify, how I feel about him. He’s never treated me badly and he would do anything for me. I don’t know. Something has changed for me. My love for him turned more into the kind of love you’d have for a brother and I think because I have let it go on as long as it has, I’m beginning to not like him at all. What am I going to do?
Chapter 2Kayla
David pulls into the parking lot of a local family owned Italian restaurant. It’s a quaint little place called La Bella Trattoria which means ‘The beautiful restaurant’. It’s owned by wonderful people that treat you like family.
David and I exit the car and make our way toward the front door. He holds the door open and waits for me to walk through it. He follows me in putting his hand on my lower back to guide me to our favorite booth. My body stiffens at his touch causing him to lower his hand. We sit in the booth across from each other.
There are booths along the walls and round tables throughout the building. Every table is covered with red and white checkered tablecloths. Placed in the center of each one are votive candles surrounded by beautiful flower arrangements. I love their pizza. It’s just the right amount of sauce and cheese. The owners and staff know us by name now because this has become our favorite place to eat.
Melissa, a short, cute waitress with dark brown eyes, olive skin and almost black hair, which she has pulled up into a high pony tail, bounces quickly toward our table. “Hey, y’all! I haven’t seen you in a long time. Do you want your usual?”
David replies without looking up at her. “Su
re. That’ll be fine.”
Melissa gives us a puzzled look and walks away without asking what we want to drink. It doesn’t matter though; she already knows what we want. We even came here to celebrate our engagement. Now that I think about it, we had our first date here too.
David turns his attention toward me. “What is really wrong with you, Kayla? I just can’t seem to do anything right around you. It doesn’t matter how hard I try. You always find fault in whatever I do.”
“David, I told you I don’t want to discuss this now. Let’s just eat and then you need to take me home because I have some homework to do.”
I’m so torn on what to do. It wasn’t like what happened was anyone’s fault. It had to have been God’s plan. Just because we shared something so painful doesn’t mean that I should be forever stuck in this relationship. Should I stay and be miserable and not have the kind of love I dream of?
Melissa brings over our sweet tea and silverware. “Your pizza should be out in a few minutes. Can I get y’all anything else?”
It’s funny to hear Melissa, who is Italian use the word y’all. Her parents moved here from Italy when she was eight. Normally, I'll tease her about picking up our southern slang, but not today. My heart is too heavy.
I give Melissa a sad smile. “No. Thank you, Melissa.”
She places her hand on my arm and looks at David and then at me. “Are you okay, Kayla?”
I shake my head yes and Melissa nods back at me and sighs. She then turns and walks away to another table.
“See, Kayla? Even Melissa knows that you’re acting strange.”
“David, you don’t want to do this now. I promise you, you don’t.”
“When then Kayla? Because this is driving me crazy. You think I don’t feel you stiffen when I touch you? You think I don’t notice that you try to avoid spending time with me?”
I roll my eyes. How can he be so oblivious? It was laughable if it wasn't so messed up. No matter how many times I've tried to break it off, he still wants to sit here and say he doesn't understand what's going on. Can my life get any more frustrating?
“David, I’ve told you numerous times what’s wrong with me. You just don’t want to hear it. I swear I think you’ve smoked too much pot and it has destroyed your brain.”
He laughs, he actually laughs. “Damn, Kayla. That was harsh. This is what I’m talking about; you don’t say things like that. You are never mean to anyone. So why are you being this way with me?
Unable to look him in the eyes, I look down at my hands that are clinched together in my lap. Thankful for the dim lighting in here right now, my eyes are starting to tear up. This is why I don't want to do this here. This place has too many good memories to taint with this one bad one. Reaching for my glass of tea, I slowly take a sip. David is just staring at me. I look everywhere, but at him. Even though, I don't look at him, I can still feel his eyes boring into me. Just as Melissa brings the pizza we ordered to our table, he starts to speak. Looking up at her, I try to keep my voice steady.
“Thank you.”
Melissa again looks at both of us and says “Sure, let me know if I can do anything else for you.” I try to force a smile before she turns and walks away again.
We eat in silence for the remainder of the meal. It’s always amazed me how silence can speak volumes. Sometimes it can be comforting when you’re holding onto someone you love and offering them comfort that they need or when you are in an awkward situation and the silence is anything but comforting. Or when you are sitting alone and it is a wonderful way to work through your problems in your own head. This silence is killing me, because I want to scream. ‘David, please just let me go! Let me have my life back. I’m not the girl for you anymore and you’re not the guy for me. We aren’t doing anything but hurting each other. Please, please let me go.’ But instead, this suffocating silence remains.
We finish our meal and David leaves the table to pay and to get change so that he can leave Melissa a tip. I take this opportunity to walk outside and wait for him by the car. I lean against the Mustang and look up at the sky.
The sky is clear tonight and there are so many stars it’s breathtaking. I say a silent prayer. God, I need your guidance. Help me with this because I’m lost. I don’t know how to fix this. I hate to hurt anyone but this is hurting me down to my soul. Thank you for everything.
Taking in a deep breath, the air is still so cool at night here, even though Spring Break is in a week. I’m looking forward to spending some time with Tessa and her boyfriend, Asher Johnson. Tessa and Asher have been together since freshman year and they are adorable. I love spending time with them. However, they aren’t too keen on spending time with David. David walks out of the restaurant and opens his door and gets in. I sigh and get into the passenger side of the car. The ride home is silent and awkward.
He pulls into the driveway and I immediately open my door and get out. David leans over the seat and looks up at me. “I love you, Kayla. More than you’ll ever know.”
Nodding my head, because I don't know what else to say to him, I gently close the door. The thing is, I just can't bring myself to tell him empty words just to appease him. This has to end because there's no way I can keep going the way I am.
I walk through the front door and right up the stairs to the room I share with Tessa. She isn’t home from her date with Asher yet. So, I lie down on my bed and let the tears fall down my face to soak my pillow.
There was a time I thought I loved David, but that was a long time ago and looking back on it now, I don’t think it was truly love. Not the kind that you feel all the way to your toes. You know, the kind that causes all your breath to leave your lungs just because they walk into the room. Or that butterfly feeling you get in your stomach in anticipation of seeing them. Maybe that kind of love doesn’t exist. I’ve read about it but never experienced it. I pray again for a solution to the problem. I’ve been told that God answers prayers, just not always in the time frame that we want.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wake to a loud bang and the sound of Tessa’s voice echoing through the room. The girl is loud. Very loud, it’s just part of her charm. Oh great, now comes the thumping music. I am not and never have been a morning person. It seems as though Tessa is trying to make me one.
“Tessa!” She doesn’t hear me. “Tessa!” Still no response.
So, I sit up in the bed prepared to throw my pillow at her, but when I look at her I want to bust out laughing. She is dancing around the room in her t-shirt and underwear like a crazy person. Now, to add to my discomfort, she is singing at the top of her lungs. I can’t resist. I throw my pillow as hard as I can at her. She abruptly stops and looks at me with her mouth hanging open and then she narrows her eyes at me.
“No! You did not just throw a pillow at me while I was getting my Cabbage Patch on?”
Seriously, these stupid dances, who comes up with this stuff?
“Hello! Trying to sleep here. Go Cabbage Patch somewhere else.”
You’ve got to be kidding me. I seriously need to rethink this friendship. Tessa has now moved to my bed and is flopping around like a fish out of water. I can’t help it, I start laughing at her madness. This girl seriously knows how to get me out of a bad mood. This is why I love her crazy butt.
“Okay! Okay! I’m up. I’m awake.”
Trying to catch her breath, Tessa says “Good, because I did that on purpose. I have the best news ever! I’m so excited! This is exactly what you need. You may now start thanking me and letting me know how grateful you are that I’m the most wonderful and best, best friend in the world to have come up with this amazing idea.”
“Tessa, what are you rambling on about? Just spit it out.”
“Well, you know my mother lives in Southern Pines and I’ve decided that you and I should go visit her during our Spring Break. It’s just what you need. You will be able to get away from loser boy and get your head on straight. It will also give me time to convince yo
u to dump this guy and get on with your life.”
Southern Pines is a golf resort community two hours away from us. It’s beautiful and the golf courses are unbelievable. I don’t know that much about golf, but I can appreciate a beautiful course.
Going there would mean I would be able to leave and not worry about David bugging me because he definitely won’t drive that far. He has to work and, even if he tried, he wouldn’t know where to go.
Tessa’s parents divorced when she was eight. Unlike the two sides of my family, they still have a friendly relationship with each other. Even their new spouses get along. I don’t know if it took years for them to achieve this, but it makes it so much easier on Tessa.
Can I go? Should I go? I need this. This is what I’ve been wanting. It will be a week with nothing to stress about and girl time with my best friend. Laughing and being happy again. At the thought, I feel a real genuine smile spread across my face. Looking over at Tessa, she has a huge smile on her face too, purposely showing her perfectly straight white teeth.
“Kayla Jameson! Is that a smile, an honest to God smile, I see on your face?”
This makes me smile even bigger. We start bouncing up and down on the bed in a giggly girl fit and what fit would be complete without laying on our backs and kicking our legs in the air rapidly. Yes, we have lost our minds.
“Okay. We have a lot to do. I promised Lisa and Dad that we would pack as much as we can between now and the time we leave for Mom’s. Which means you won’t have time to see David and I won’t see Asher much. Asher will be understanding, even he wants you to dump David. You, on the other hand, are going to have to break all of this to pot head because he can’t come over here acting like an idiot.”
And now the dread sets in. My excitement wanes a little with impending conversation that will ultimately lead to David being a little more than upset. I can and will do this.