by K. Langston
Closing my eyes, I turned around, and when I opened them, my worst nightmare stood leaning against the doorway of my bedroom. Alexis was still naked from the waist up. “Fuck. Maddie, this is not what it looks like.”
This looked so fucking bad.
“Seriously, Holden. This is exactly what it looks like. LOOK AT HER!” she roared.
Maddie’s face flushed red when she lunged to get inside. A look of feral possession yanked at the corners of her eyes. I threw my hands up on the frame to block her. She looked like she would tear Alexis apart if I let her loose. And I would kill Alexis if she hurt Maddie.
“Put some clothes on and get fuck out, Alexis!” At that moment, I didn’t care what had happened to her last night. The bitch was ruining my life.
She took two steps away from me with a single tear slipping down her reddened cheek. “No. She can stay. I’m gone.”
I’d never seen someone run across gravel barefoot like that.
“Maddie…” I barreled down the steps after her. “Maddie, just listen to me…” I begged.
Before we got to her jeep, she rounded on me, socking me right in the gut. I struggled for air. Damn, she could throw a punch. “Stay the fuck away from me, Holden.” Tears streamed down her face. Looking up from my hunch, I saw it. I saw the hurt and pain in her eyes. I’d felt it before. I knew what it looked and felt like to be betrayed by the one you love.
The love that had sparkled bright in her eyes just minutes ago was now dull and gray. Right now, to her, I was a cheater.
A liar.
A mistake.
“I trusted you. I trusted you with everything.”
“Maddie…wait. Please…please listen to me.” Panic was setting in.
Before I could reach for her, she hopped into her jeep and drove away.
Gone.
“Fuuuuucccckkkkk!” I cursed the sky.
Why the fuck did I let Alexis stay here last night? I should have taken her straight to the police like my gut fucking told me to do.
Rumbling anger boiled hot in my stomach. When I turned around, Alexis stood on the top step. Oh, now she was dressed.
“I’m going to the police.” she said as I stomped past her. If I could punch a woman and live with myself, this would be the first bitch to get it.
“Good,” I threw at her before I walked inside, slamming the door behind me. I bent down to brace myself. I couldn’t breathe. Sucking in several deep breaths, I desperately searched for answers. Anger, heartbreak, and despair settled heavy in my chest.
How in the hell was I going to fix this?
CHAPTER eighteen
The truth is rarely pure and never simple.
-Oscar Wilde
Madison
Anger, hurt, and betrayal gurgled in my stomach, causing my throat to burn. Intense pain penetrated every inch of my heart to the point I was ready to carve the shredded organ from my aching chest. Wiping the tears from my eyes, I swallowed and took a deep breath. Holden’s words kept slapping me hard across the face.
Everything happens for a reason.
Damn right it does. This all happened for a reason. Better to find out he was a piece of shit now rather than later. Like Katy did. And to think, I was willing to give up everything for him.
For us.
I was doing it for me too. Boston was where I lived, but it wasn’t my home. I could be a lawyer anywhere. I just wanted to be with him. Or so I thought. Unable to wait another minute, I decided to go tell him face to face that he was my forever. That whatever it took, I would fight for us. I wasn’t ready to walk down the aisle just yet, but Holden was who I saw waiting for me at the end when the time was right.
How could I have been so wrong?
I trusted him wholeheartedly. It scared me to think about it now. I was so foolish to give him so much of my trust, and so soon.
Love made people very, very stupid.
My comforter was soaked. It’d been three days since the worst day of my life, and the tears still hadn’t stopped. Katy had called earlier, asking me to come over. She knew what had happened. I’d told her everything. Holden had told her his side of the story too.
Katy had tried to take his side at first. I was beyond pissed. She was supposed to be my best friend…not only that, she wasn’t there. She hadn’t seen what I’d seen. The sight of her standing there naked will be singed into my mind forever. Katy had been through the same thing. Worse, she’d actually caught Luke and Alexis in the act together. I now had a full understanding of how one could commit a crime of passion. Murderous was just one emotion I now had to cope with on a daily basis.
As I was dragging my sad, pathetic self to the shower, I heard my phone vibrating on the nightstand. I didn’t even bother to look. I knew exactly who it was. Holden had been texting and calling me nonstop. The man had no shame.
None.
He’d spoken to Katy, my father, and my mother about the whole fucked up situation. This only added to my humiliation. They had all tried to convince me that it was all a misunderstanding and if I would just let him explain, I would understand. Not happening.
The hot spray pelted my motionless body as I stared at the tiles on the bathroom shower. I would never be the same again. My life had been completely transformed and turned upside down in a matter of days.
Days.
I was a different person. Love had changed me forever. Living a life without love or the knowledge of what true heart break felt like was no longer a bliss I could endure.
Nope.
I’d finally had my taste. Finally been fed the poison of betrayal and burned by the fire of love. Now surviving without him would be the price I paid. Never again would I give my heart to another. How could I? It was broken. I was broken.
***
I adjusted my rear view mirror. Checking my puffy eyes again, I sighed. No amount of make-up could ever cover up this pain or the dark circles. Swiping my middle fingers beneath my swollen eyes, I caught a flicker of light behind me. Maneuvering the mirror, my broken heart sank like hot lead melting in my stomach. Swallowing back the never ending tears, I hoped out.
Holden’s hat was pulled down low on his brow but I could still see his eyes, and they looked just as bad as mine. My bleeding heart ached at the sight.
“Please talk to me,” he begged.
He seemed so desperate, so sincere. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe that he would never betray me like that. But I just couldn’t. I’d seen it with my own eyes.
“It’s over, Holden.” I tried to step around him, but he grabbed my arms, pinning me against the jeep. His body pressed hard against mine, stirring that dormant fire to life inside of me. Just like he always did. I cursed my treacherous body to no fucking end. His hands moved to rest on either side of my head, trapping me. “Nothin’ happened. You have to believe me. I love you. Only you. I would never hurt you. Ever. ” Holden’s eyes never wavered. They held mine firm and fast. My gut said he was telling the truth, but my shattered heart screamed…
Lies.
Lies.
Lies.
“I don’t believe you.” I tugged at his arm, but it wouldn’t budge.
“Listen, I won’t stand here and tell you that I didn’t make some bad choices that night, but I will tell you that the punishment I’m gettin’ right now…does NOT fit the crime. Please, just let me explain.” he pleaded.
“No.” I’d made up my mind. We were over. How could I ever trust him again? I couldn’t.
Hurt flashed across his pale face but was quickly replaced with anger. One hand fell to his side, while the other pointed at my chest.
“You’re a coward.”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me. You’re scared this could be something beautiful. Something so great, you just might have to make a sacrifice or hell, even a compromise. I’ve been killing myself trying to show what we could be together. What we are together. But you’re just too fuckin’ scared and blind to see it. Loo
k me in the eye, Maddie. I’m telling you the truth and you fuckin’ know it!”
I scoffed. “I don’t know anything about you, Holden. What we had…what we had is over, now. Plain and simple.”
Holden’s face went from pale to blood red in a matter of seconds. His angry blue eyes locked with mine. “Nothin’ happened! She said she was fuckin’ raped. What was I supposed to do? I told her to sleep on my couch and woke up with her in my fuckin’ bed the next morning. I only want you. Why won’t you believe me?” His voice was thick with emotion and his misty eyes were drowning with tears that hadn’t fallen yet. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to believe him. His eyes told the truth, but my eyes saw his lies.
“You really expect me to believe that?” I crossed my arms, lifting my chin. My heart crackled and broke a little more inside my chest. There would be nothing left of it after all of this was over.
Over.
“No. I expect you to believe in me. But you won’t? You never did. Now you own a part of me, a part of me that I’ll never get back. I love you more than the air I breathe, Maddie. God help me, I always will. Just remember this…I didn’t walk away from you. You let me go.” The sight of him walking away from me brought me to my knees. I tried to breathe past the knot in my throat to yell after him, but my pride got in the way.
“Holy shit, Maddie. Are you ok?” Katy asked, rubbing her hands up and down my back. No I was not ok. My chest felt like someone had taken a carving knife to it.
Careful what you wish for.
“C’mon,” she instructed.
Helping me to my feet, she guided me inside. I sat down on the couch and Katy sat down next to me, handing me a box of Kleenex. She was quiet for a while, letting me sob and grieve my shattered heart in peace.
“What’d he say?”
“He said…he said he didn’t fuck her.”
“Do you believe him?” Katy believed him, why couldn’t’ I?
“No…yes…I don’t know. How will I ever know for certain? How could I ever trust him again?”
“Holden loves you, Maddie. I would kill for a man to love me like that. I told you that bitch was evil. She wasn’t raped. Alexis Davis would spread her legs for anybody, anytime. She doesn’t have to be forced. She used his kindness and generosity as a weapon, and this is the damage it caused. Are you gonna let that piece of trash take away your chance at happiness? Don’t let her win, damn it.”
“There you go taking his side again. You’re supposed to be my friend, remember.” Ugh, why was she defending him?
“I am your friend. Your best friend. And as your best friend it’s my duty to tell you when you’re being a stupid bitch…and right now…your being a stupid bitch!” she shouted.
I shot up from the couch. “Unbelievable. I am so outta here.”
She jumped up to stop me, grabbing my forearms and looking me straight in the eye. “I’m just being honest with you. I believe him. Search your heart, Maddie Do you really think he would do that to you?”
“Did you really think Luke would do that to you?” I spat back.
She dropped her hands, swallowing hard.
“I gotta go.”
“Maddie, wait.”
“I just need to be alone, Katy.” And get the hell out of this town.
CHAPTER nineteen
Morning without you
is a dwindled dawn
-Emily Dickinson
Holden
Tears poured from my eyes while my fist pounded the dash board over and over. My bludgeoned heart refused to acknowledge the pain. I needed something…something to replace horrendous ache in my chest. My knuckles were covered in busted skin and blood. I was literally shaking with grief. The only thing I would have to hold on to were the memories of the time we’d spent together. I slammed my fist into the dash again. The sound of cracking and the ensuing pain radiating through my hand was enough to stop me from doing it again.
I’d been driving around for hours. I didn’t want to go home. I wondered if I would ever be able to walk inside that house again without thinking of her. Or what had destroyed us. Grabbing a rag from my glove box, I wrapped it tight around my hand. I needed to go to the doctor. My hand was definitely broken and needed stitches, but I didn’t give a fuck about that right now. Nor the damage I’d caused to the interior of my car.
Unlocking the back door to, I slipped inside. Archer’s Ducati was outside, so I knew he was the only one here. Locking the door, I wandered passed his office and straight towards the bar.
I needed a drink.
I hadn’t had anything stronger than the occasional beer in the last five years, but I need something hard and strong to drown this suffocating pain. Snatching Jack from his known spot on the wall, I poured a shot and swallowed it down. Then another.
And another.
Slamming the shot glass down on the bar in succession after each shot, my pain and anger began to dissipate slowly as the liquor warmed my blood.
Fuck.
I could still feel her.
I poured another shot. “Enough.” Archer’s deep calm voice sliced over me, sharpening my anger once more.
I threw back the shot I’d poured, eyeing him from across the bar. His arms were folded across his chest as he glared right back at me. Archer outweighed me by about twenty pounds and he could probably kick my ass all over this bar right now…with my fucked up hand and my Jack’d up state of mind. But with the amount of anger and pain coursing through me right now, I’d definitely give his ass a run for his money. His eyes shot from my broken hand to the fifth shot I held in front of my lips.
“Pourin’ your heart out didn’t work did it?” he asked, tilting his head.
“No, it didn’t,” Warmth spread throughout my entire body, buzzing from the alcohol in my blood and the daunting reality that I’d lost her.
With swollen lips and red cheeks, Katy burst through the door of the kitchen. After shooting Archer the quickest eye fuck I’d ever seen, she sidled up to me.
“Shit, Holden. What happened to your hand?” She tried to grip my hand to examine it, but I jerked it away. Her hands shot to her hips and her eyes flickered with irritation. “What the hell happened?”
“Maddie. That’s who happened. Why won’t she believe me? Fuck!” I roared. “I love her so goddamn much it hurts.”
Tears hung in my throat, and I felt like I was going to throw up from the burrowing pain. I grabbed the garbage can near the sink and heaved.
Katy stroked my back, making it worse.
I swatted her away. “Do something, Archer.” I felt bad for being a dick. But losing Maddie, the purging alcohol, and her kindness were just too much right now. I didn’t want to be comforted. I didn’t want to feel shit.
“What the hell do you want me to do, Katherine? He’ll throw that shit up and regret it in the morning. Leave ’em be.”
Katherine?
My head hanging between my arms, I watched her feet shifting behind me.
“Here.” She handed me a wad of napkins.
“Thank you.” Standing up, I leaned against the bar.
“You’re welcome. Listen, Holden I-” Archer cleared his throat, shaking his head in warning. Katy huffed with a scowl, studying me carefully.
“I tried to talk to her, sweetie. She wouldn’t listen.” Her small hand rubbed my crossed forearms. Katy was a good friend.
“Thanks again for telling me when she’d be there. Even though it didn’t do me a damn bit a good, I still appreciate it.” I nodded, wiping my mouth again.
“I’m so sorry, Holden.” she offered before she made her way back through the kitchen door.
“Talk.” Archer sat on the stool in front of me. If I’d ever considered anyone a father figure in my life, that person would be Archer. He was only five years older than me but he’d always been there for me. He’d helped me through some pretty heavy shit in my life. But this time was different. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever crawl out of this dark hole.
Looking up at the ceiling, I sighed. “I feel so helpless.”
Archer’s voice was calm and even. “You’ve done all you can. Let ’er go.”
“It’s not that easy, Arch. I won’t be the same without her. Fuck, I sound like the biggest fuckin’ pussy right now.”
“Yeah. You do.” he teased.
I tossed one of his signature coasters, barely missing his big head. “C’mon. I’ll take you to get that hand looked at.” Archer pulled his cell from his pocket. “I’ll get Wade to take your shift.”
“We’ll take my car. I’m not ridin’ bitch on the back of your bike.” I stated firmly, cradling my hand. It was starting to hurt like a motherfucker. But it was nothing compared to the gaping hole in my chest.
“Fine. But I’m driving.”
***
It had been three weeks. Three weeks since I’d seen her beautiful face. Three weeks since I’d looked into her blue eyes. Three weeks since I’d touched her skin or felt her beneath me. I missed her smell. I missed her laugh. I missed the way she kissed me, and the way she let me kiss her. I hated being here. I hated being in the one place that held all of my memories of her, and the one place that took her away from me. It was a special kind of torture. Jack was helping, but just barely. I knew all too well the ramifications of my continued drinking. I wasn’t completely oblivious.
Yet.
I knew how easy it would be to fall back into that black hole. The one that I’d worked so hard to dig myself out of over the last few years. Only this time, the black hole I was stuck in seemed darker and more infinite. She was never coming back.
Maddie was never coming back.