I sat up, realizing what Dad was asking. “You aren’t sure Jim shot Big Murphy.”
“But I’m pretty sure, Sadie, and you are too. I can’t prove it, but if you testify with me we can make a good case.”
I lay back down and pulled the covers to my chin. “I can’t testify with you, Dad.”
Dad laughed. “Sadie, if I had a nickel for every time you’ve begged me to turn Jim in, I’d be rich. What do you mean you can’t testify?”
“I can’t, Dad. I just can’t.”
“What is it, school? You don’t want the kids at school to be mad?”
“No, Dad.”
“Sadie,” Dad said. “If I get convicted of interfering with hunting, I’ll get fired. I’ll get fined. If they decide to make an example of me, I might even go to jail for a few months. This trial is bigger than whether or not you’re popular at school.”
The word popular prickled along my spine. My sandwich turned to glue in my stomach. I was afraid if I opened my mouth, even to breathe, I’d let it all go. Everything would tumble out of me, word after word after word, and even when the sun came up I’d still be spewing dark anger into the space between us.
“Sadie?”
I swallowed and then carefully strung my words together. “I can’t testify.”
The words fell like stones into the darkness and anger burned in my throat, ready to pour out.
Dad’s voice was steely. “Sadie, you will testify. Get some sleep. The hearing is tomorrow.”
He left the room, his legs stiff and mechanical, as though he’d changed from a man into a robot while he sat on my bed. I’d done that. I’d changed him from my soft, loving Dad into something less, something hard and metallic.
His steps echoed down the hall, and he opened the door to their bedroom. As the door shut, I heard Mom’s raised voice, Dad’s voice answering. I couldn’t make out the words, but it didn’t matter what they said. If Mom worked herself up, if Dad let her, she’d never get any better.
Shadow monsters reached down to strangle me. My skin burned like I was on fire.
“I can’t do this,” Mom said, her voice even louder. Loud enough to hear. I didn’t want to be part of their argument. I just wanted out.
I didn’t wait to hear more. I clipped a leash onto Higgins and ran down the stairs, out the front door, and into the storm. Within minutes my clothes were soaked, and I was grateful for the coolness against my skin. Without the rain, I might burn up into a pile of ashes. Wind roared in my ears, but still I heard whimpering. I picked up Higgins. He licked my face, licked away my tears. I was the one whimpering, not him.
All around me blinding rain fell, making the dark night even darker. Higgins snuggled close to my neck. Lightning lit up the trees and thunder clapped seconds later. I turned, ready to head home, but Mom’s voice, her breaking voice, echoed again and again in my ears. I didn’t want to go home. I couldn’t stand home.
So I turned toward town and ran through the storm, concentrating on keeping Higgins warm. Where would we find a shelter? Who could we ask for help? I traveled on, step after step, mile after mile. I couldn’t hear a sound over the wailing wind.
Finally, when I stumbled onto Main Street, lightning flashed again, revealing the buildings dark and closed tight. Higgins shivered, and when I pulled him closer I could tell his paws and ears had lost all warmth. I still felt white-hot, but the tip of my nose was numb, and water dripped from my drenched hair. I tried the library door. Locked.
Vivian had said the Catholic church never locked its doors. They let people in anytime, to sit in the quiet and be still. I splashed through puddles down the block and climbed the church steps. The door creaked open when I pulled the iron ring. I sloshed inside and took off my sweatshirt to wring it out. Higgins ran circles around my feet, shaking himself off.
When I closed the doors, they muffled the howling wind. Still, my ears rang and I realized I was shivering. I hugged Higgins tight — we both needed to dry off.
I found the women’s restroom. Just as I’d hoped, they had a hot air dryer for wet hands. I held my sweatshirt under the air and pressed the button again and again. I took off my wet T-shirt and pulled on the newly dried sweatshirt. Then I pulled off my boots, my socks, and my jeans, and held them under the dryer. The jeans took forever. Finally, when most of the dampness was gone, I slipped them back on and dried my hair. The sanctuary was still and dark, but a few candles flickered on the altar at the front of the church. The air had the same waxy smell touched with spicy incense it had when Peter, Vivian, and I had come to Compline. I chose a pew far from where Vivian and I had sat together and curled up, pulling Higgins close.
All through the drying, my question had grown until it felt as though it would explode out of me. Why was there no one I could ask for help? Why was I here, in the Catholic church in the middle of the night, in the middle of a thunder storm, alone with my shivering puppy? Now, as I laid my head down on the hard wood in the silent church, I finally realized the truth.
I was alone because I didn’t trust anyone. Andrew had said: Everyone makes mistakes. My own mistakes seemed the biggest of all. I stood and carried Higgins to the pew in front of the altar and watched the candlelight flicker.
God? I whispered. I can’t do this. In my words, I heard the echo of Mom’s voice, but now, in this quiet room, with the wind howling outside, the memory didn’t sting. Mom couldn’t make it through sickness on her own. Dad couldn’t mediate on his own. Ruth couldn’t stand up to Tess, Nicole, and Frankie on her own. Maybe even Peter, with all of his mistakes, had reasons he couldn’t admit his fault on his own.
God, please help me.
Warmth spread across my shoulders and down my back. I realized just how tight my muscles had been as my body relaxed. My mind settled too, my worries coming to rest like flakes in a snowglobe, allowing me to see clearly.
I would tell the truth, not so much about who had done what — though I would tell that too. But I would tell the people I loved and the people who loved me how alone I felt. How not alive. I would tell the truth because it was the right thing to do.
As the candle finally flickered out, I curled up on the pew, holding Higgins close, feeling something larger, something I couldn’t explain, wrap warm arms around us both.
Thank you.
Chapter 26
Shadows
“Sadie,” said a voice. “Sadie, wake up.” Something wet rubbed my nose, and then the inside of my ear.
“I think I saw her eyelids flutter,” said another voice.
“It was so cold last night, and if she fell asleep in wet clothes she might have pneumonia by now. She could be in shock.”
I wanted to tell them my clothes weren’t wet, and I was perfectly warm, but I also wanted to keep my eyes shut — I wasn’t ready for the day to begin. I cracked an eye open.
“Sadie,” said the first voice again, and now I could see it was Andrew. He slugged my shoulder. “Were you pretending to be asleep? You scared us.”
“Go easy on her,” Helen said.
Higgins’ nose was the wet thing. I peeled him off my head and struggled to sit up. Bright sunlight streamed through the church windows. My skin still felt warm and tingly.
“Sadie, what are you doing?” Andrew said. “We’ve all been out since dawn looking for you. People are searching the woods, someone even went out to the Tree House. Mom and I came into town to look in all the buildings, in case you found a way inside. What are you doing sleeping in a church?”
“Give her a chance to wake up, Andrew,” Helen said.
I sighed. Telling the truth wasn’t as easy as it had sounded last night. “Dad and I argued last night, and I … needed air.”
“In the middle of a storm?” Andrew demanded.
“Andrew.” Helen gave him a warning glance. “Sadie, you look like you need a bath, clean clothes, and a hot breakfast. We’ll drive you home.”
Andrew wrapped his jacket around my shoulders and helped me out to
the truck.
Helen flipped her cell phone closed as she slid into the driver’s seat. “Okay, everyone knows you’re safe.”
Andrew didn’t pepper me with questions on the way home, which gave me an opportunity to close my eyes and rehearse the day. Dad had said the trial was today. Would I have to go to school? School. It was Friday.
“My report is due today,” I said as we pulled into my driveway.
“I’m sure you can turn it in another day,” Helen said, turning off the station wagon. We waded ankle-deep through the snow to the front door.
“It’s a presentation,” I said. “I’m supposed to present.” My brain felt foggy.
Andrew took Higgins as Dad threw open the door and hugged me so tight he squeezed all the air out of me. He passed me over to Mom, who hugged me and then held me at arms length, as though she wanted to make sure I was all in one piece.
“Let’s get you warmed up.” Mom led me upstairs to the bathroom.
I appreciated their willingness to wait for answers, though I knew the flood of questions would come later.
Mom set out towels and dry clothes while I watched the hot water creep up the sides of the tub. Downstairs, I heard Dad directing everyone to the kitchen for scrambled eggs. Mom gave me one last hug and closed the bathroom door. I turned the knob off and slipped out of my clothes. My skin was all-over red, and when I stepped into the water it felt like a million bees swarmed and stung me. I closed my eyes against the pain as it worsened and worsened until finally I could feel my toes again. Soap bubbles tickled my nose.
I held on to the all-over-warm feeling from last night. Today — all the questions, the answers — I could handle them because I knew, now, I wasn’t alone. Running away hadn’t been my smartest decision ever, but I wouldn’t trade the feeling — the knowing — I’d had in the church for anything.
The water started to cool off. I got up and wrapped myself in a towel. I pulled a comb through my hair, dried the ends that had gotten wet, and slipped into my jeans and the soft red sweater Mom had laid out.
Bacon and egg wafted up from the kitchen. Food. That was what I needed.
“These eggs are my most spectacular yet.” Dad dished up a plateful for me.
“I called the school,” Mom said. “They’re closed today because the furnace broke.”
Andrew grinned at me. “I guess your report will wait until Monday.”
“But the trial is this afternoon,” Dad said.
I sat down at the table and said quietly, “I’m going to testify.”
“Jim Paulson has no idea what he’s got coming,” Andrew said.
I didn’t correct him. I could only stand to tell my story once.
After breakfast, I took a nap until one o’clock. Mom and Dad had already gone over to the DNR, so I rode over in Helen’s station wagon with Andrew. I’d insisted on bringing Higgins too. Andrew promised to hold him while I testified if they wouldn’t let me take Higgins to the stand.
Instead of a judge, Jim and Dad had to present their case to a panel of people. Meredith was one, as were a few other high-ups from the DNR. A man from the governor’s office called the meeting to order and then gave Meredith the floor.
Meredith stood. “As you all know, we hired Matthew Douglas to help us solve our community disagreements over the bears. As a mediator, Matthew was supposed to remain neutral. Yet, Matthew has had run ins with groups of hunters, and Jim claims Matthew’s opinions about the bears have been swayed by Helen Baxter, a local biologist studying our bear population. Therefore, in this hearing, we will not only decide whether to send Matthew Douglas to criminal court for obstructing Department of Natural Resources law, we will also decide whether to remove him from his mediation position.”
My stomach, which hadn’t been fully calm all morning, started turning somersaults. Dad hadn’t been exaggerating about jail and losing his job.
Neither side had attorneys. Jim stood and made his accusations, which were supported by Mack’s testimony. Of course.
“And you say you did see Jim shoot Big Murphy?” Meredith asked, turning to Dad. “Please present any evidence that will back up your claim, Matthew.”
Dad turned to me. “I’d like to call a witness. Sadie?”
I wobbled to my feet and stumbled up to the stand, clutching Higgins close. He curled up in my lap as I sat and faced the panel of DNR officials.
“Sadie, can you please tell us what you saw when Big Murphy was shot?”
“We heard a gunshot, and Big Murphy ran away, bleeding. Then a man wearing a green fishing hat with a red feather drove away in an ATV just like Jim Paulson’s.”
Jim leapt to his feet. “She’s his daughter. She’d say anything to keep him from going to jail.”
“Matthew,” Meredith said. “I asked you yesterday, and I’ll ask you again now. If you saw this, why didn’t you report it to me?”
Before Dad could answer, I looked him in the eye and continued. “I thought it was Jim Paulson, but it wasn’t.”
On his bench across the room, Andrew leaned forward, disbelief on his face. I closed my eyes, but I couldn’t shut out the pain that twisted inside me. No, Andrew, I didn’t tell you the truth, even when I really, really should have. Even when I knew, from my trouble with Ruth, exactly how much it hurts when a friend lies.
“Sadie,” Dad said, his voice terribly calm. “It wasn’t what?”
As I worked up my courage to answer, the doors opened and Peter and Vivian slipped inside, making the worst possible situation worse. So few people had come to witness the trial, and no one had made an official announcement, so I hadn’t considered the possibility that Peter or Vivian would show up. They stood in the back, both of their faces difficult to read. Peter’s eyebrows pulled together tightly, most likely in anger, and Vivian, her usual happiness entirely missing, pressed her lips together in what I could only guess was disappointment. Disappointment, I was sure, in me. She had asked me to first talk to Peter, and instead, here I was, on the stand, giving evidence against him.
Everyone waited for me to answer Dad’s question. In my lap, Higgins nosed my hand. I put my hand on his warm back, and last night’s warmth rushed up my arm, across my shoulders, down into my lungs, unlodging the words I could no longer hold back.
“It wasn’t Jim Paulson. I wanted it to be. Jim punched you when you tried to stop the hunters from taunting Helen over Humphrey being shot. Jim scared me half to death that first time I met him, when he shot over our heads to scare Patch. Believing Jim broke the law was easy. But then I saw Peter Harris —
“Wait!” Peter stood at the back of the room.
Why couldn’t he just let me tell the story and get it over with?
“Please, listen to me, Sadie.” He walked up to the stand and talked directly to me. “I was in the forest with my shotgun, planning my deer hunt, when I turned a corner and walked straight into the biggest bear I have ever seen. The bear stomped and huffed and was so agitated that I panicked. I shot at the bear, and then started running backwards.”
I shook my head, not believing his words. If he had shot Big Murphy out of fear, the truth was even more complicated than I had thought. Dad stared at Peter and me open-mouthed.
Peter ignored the whispers of the DNR committee, of Helen, Mom and Andrew, of Jim and Mack, and kept speaking to me. “Sadie, when the bear ran toward me, I thought he was charging. I shot again. Both of my shots hit him in the leg. After it happened, Meredith asked if anyone knew about the bear, and I just … let it go. I was afraid of losing my hunting license.”
Meredith scowled at Peter. “This is very serious. You shot a bear out of season and didn’t report the incident?”
Peter glanced at Vivian, and then looked down at the floor. “Yes, ma’am.” Then, he looked back at me. “I’m sorry, Sadie. The bear wasn’t wearing a radio collar, and I didn’t know he was a research bear. I would have told you, I promise, had I known.”
I traced lines on Higgins’ back, because I c
ouldn’t look at Peter, or Dad, or even Andrew.
Meredith scanned the room, looking at Dad and Jim Paulson and Peter in turn. “You understand that lying in these proceedings is justification for the DNR revoking your hunting licenses for life? I want you all to think very hard about what you have told us today. Peter, you shot the bear in self defense?”
Peter nodded.
Meredith crossed her arms and turned to Jim, who bit his lip. “Jim, it seems the charges against you have been dropped. Do you still want to press charges against Matthew Douglas?”
Jim Paulson stood slowly. “Well …” He shuffled from foot to foot. “Seeing as how I did punch Matthew the other week, and seeing as how his girl here cleared my name, I suppose I ought to think back, real carefully, and see if it was really him who disrupted my hunting, or if maybe it was someone else.”
“Jim,” Meredith said, an edge to her voice. “Did someone, or did someone not, disrupt your hunting?”
“Oh someone did, absolutely,” Jim said. “Just now that I think about it, I’m not totally sure it was Matthew Douglas. I mean, I never actually saw Matthew Douglas shooting in the air when I was aiming at a bear, when it comes right down to it.”
The man from the governor’s office stood and gestured to Peter. “You, young man, have some details to discuss with me. As for everyone else,” he glanced around the room. “If you straighten out your stories and there is reason for another trial, you know where to reach me.”
He picked up his bag, and walked toward a back office. Peter put his hand on my shoulder until I finally had to look up at him. Neither of us said anything, but he smiled sadly before following the man from the governor’s office. As he left, I turned to Andrew, passing my sad smile on to him. Every event affected every other event, Vivian had said. Every lie twisted around the last making an impossible knot, but one truth was like a loose thread. When you pulled, the whole mess started unraveling. I looked for her at the back, but she had gone. Just telling the truth didn’t erase all the hurt the lies had left behind, no matter how much I wished it could.
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