Gift-Wrapped & Toe-Tagged: A Melee of Misc. Holiday Anthology

by Dr. Freud Funkenstein, ed.

  “Who has ammo left?” Scott yelled.

  “I’m out.”

  “Me too.”

  “So am I.”

  Weston checked his clip. “I’ve got two bullets.”

  It got very quiet. Scott rubbed his neck.

  “Okay. We’ll have to make do. Everyone grab a weapon. Kris Kringle is a lot more powerful than his helpers. Maybe, if we all strike at once, we’ll have a chance.” From the sound of Scott’s voice, he didn’t believe his own words.

  Andy didn’t buy it either. “David is wounded. Ryan is sitting there like a pud. You think three men and two woman can fend off Kringle and his Satan’s Claws? He’s going to cut us into pieces!” “We don’t have a choice.”

  “But I don’t want to get sliced up!” Andy said. “I’m too pretty to die like that!”

  “Calm down, son. You’re not helping the situation.”

  Andy knelt next to one of the helpers and began undressing him.

  “You guys fight. I’m going to put on a red suit and pretend to be dead.”

  Weston locked eyes with Irena, saw fear, wondered if she saw the same in him.

  “There’s a way.”

  It was Ryan again, still staring off into space.

  “You actually going to get up off your ass and help?” Phyllis asked.

  Ryan slowly reached into his pants pocket, pulling out five tiny vials of liquid.

  “I’ve been saving these.”

  Andy grabbed one, unscrewed the top. “Is it cyanide? Tell me it’s cyanide, because I’m so drinking it.”

  “It’s a metamorphosis potion. It will allow you to change into your therianthrope forms, while still retaining your human intellect.”

  Scott took a vial, squinting at it.

  “Where did you get these?”

  “I’ve had them for a long time.”

  “How do you know they work?”

  “I know.”

  “Guess it can’t hurt to try.” Irena grabbed the remaining vials. She handed one to Weston, and one to David. She also held one out for Phyllis.

  “But I’m not a therianthrope,” Phyllis said. “I’m just a furry.”

  “You’re one of us,” Irena told her.

  Phyllis nodded, and took the vial.

  “Are you taking one?” Scott asked Ryan.

  Ryan shook his head.

  Scott shrugged. “Okay. Here goes nothing.”

  He downed the liquid. Everyone watched.

  At first, nothing happened. Then Scott twitched. The twitching became faster, and faster, until he looked like a blurry photograph. Scott made a small sound, like a sigh, dropped his gun, and fell to all fours.

  He’d changed into a turtle. A giant turtle, with vaguely human features. His face, now green and scaled, looked similar to his human face. And his body retained a roughly humanoid shape; so much so that he was able to push off the ground and stand on two stubby legs.

  “I’ll be damned.” Scott reached up and tapped the top of his shell. “And I can still think. Hell, I can even talk.”

  Irena had already drunk her vial, and her clothes ripped, exposing the spots underneath. While in final werecheetah form she retained her long blonde hair, and---Weston could appreciate this---her breasts. He could suddenly understand the appeal furries saw in anthropomorphic costumes.

  “You look great,” Weston told her.

  Her whiskers twitched, and she licked her arm and rubbed it over her face.

  An oink, from behind, and Andy the wereboar was standing next to the overturned table, chewing on the cardboard donut box.

  “What?” he said. “There’s still some frosting inside.”

  “This sucks.”

  Weston turned to David, who had become a greenish, roundish, ball of coral. Weston could make out his face underneath a row of tiny, undulating tentacles.

  “I think you’re adorable,” Irena told him. “Like Humpty Dumpty.”

  “I don’t have arms or legs! How am I supposed to fight Santa?”

  “Try rolling on him,” Andy said, his snout stuck in the garbage can.

  “I guess it’s my turn.” Phyllis drank the potion.

  Everyone waited.

  Nothing happened.

  “Well, shit,” Phyllis said. “And I don’t even have my hippo suit here. At least give me the damn gun.”

  Weston handed it to her, then looked at his vial.

  “You’ll be fine,” Irena said.

  She walked a circle around him, then nuzzled against his chest. Weston stroked her chin, and she purred.

  “Better hurry,” Scott was eyeing the monitor. “Here comes Santa Claus.”

  Weston closed his eyes and lifted the vial to his lips.

  It was kind of like being born. Darkness. Warmth. Then turmoil, sensory overload, a thousand things happening at once. It didn’t hurt, but it didn’t tickle either. Weston coughed, but it came out harsh. A bark. He looked down at his arms and noted they were covered with long, gray fur. His pants stayed on, but his clawed feet burst through the tops of his shoes.

  “Hello, sexy.”

  Weston stared at Irena and had an overpowering, irrational urge to bark at her. He managed to keep it in check.

  “Remember,” Scott said. “He’s wearing armor. It’s claw-proof. Go for his head and neck, or use blunt force.”

  They formed a semi-circle around the door, except for the immobile David and the still-seated Ryan. Then they waited. Weston heard a licking sound, traced it to Andy, who had his nose buried between his own legs.

  “Andy,” he growled. “Quit it.”

  “Are you kidding? I don’t think I’m ever going to stop.”

  Then the crazed Santa’s helpers burst into the room, screaming and swinging weapons. Weston recoiled at first, remembered what he was, and then lashed out with a claw. It caught the helper in the side of the head, snapping his neck like a candy cane.

  Andy quit grooming — if you could call it that — long enough to gore a helper between his red shirt and pants, right in the belly. What came out looked a lot like a bowlful of jelly.

  Phyllis fired twice, then picked up the scythe and started swinging it like a mad woman and swearing like a truck driver with a toothache.

  Scott had two helpers backed up against the wall, using his enormous shell to squeeze the life out of them.

  Even David had managed to get into the act, snaring a helper with his tiny, translucent tentacles. Judging from the screams, those tentacles had stingers on them.

  Weston searched for Irena, and saw her hanging onto a helper’s back, biting at his neck.

  Two more Santa’s helpers rushed in, and Weston lunged at them, surprised by his speed. He kept his arms spread out and caught each one under the chin. His canine muscles flexed, tightened, and their heads came off like Barbie dolls.

  And then, there he was.

  Kris Kringle was even bigger up close than he was on the TV monitors. So tall he had to duck down to fit through the doorway. When he entered the room and reared up, he must have been eight feet tall. And wide, with a chest like a whiskey barrel, arms like tree trunks. His long white beard was flecked with blood, and his tiny dark eyes twinkled with malevolent glee.

  But the worst thing were his hands. They ended in horrible metal claws, each blade the length of a samurai sword. One of his helpers, the one Irena had bitten, staggered over to Kringle, clutching his bleeding neck. Kringle lashed out, severing the man into three large pieces, even with the Kevlar suit on.

  It was so horrible, so outrageously demonic, that Weston had to laugh when he saw it. In spite of himself.

  Scott waddled over to Kringle and pointed his stubby fingers at him.

  “Your reign of evil ends today, Kringle.”

  Kringle laughed, a deep, resonating croak that sounded like thunder. Then his huge black boot shot out, kicking Scott in the chest, knocking him across the room and into the back wall. Scott crashed through it like a turtle-shaped meteor.

>   Andy said, “Holy shit,” then tore ass through the hole in the wall after Scott.

  Kringle took a step forward, and Weston had an urge to pee; an urge so strong he actually lifted a leg. There was no way they could defeat Santa Claus. He was a monster. He’d tear through them like tissue paper.

  Kringle appraised Weston, eyeing him head to toe, and said, “Robert Weston Smith. Werewolf. You’re on my list.”

  Then he looked at Irena, who’d come to Weston’s side, clutching his paw.

  “Irena Reed. Werecheetah. You’re on my list too. Want to sit on Santa’s lap, little girl?”

  Irena hissed at him. Kringle’s eyes fell upon David next.

  “And what the hell are you? A were-onion?”

  David released the dead helper. “I’m David Kessler. Werecoral.”

  “David Kessler. Yes. You’re also on my list. Now who is this crazy bitch?”

  Phyllis put her hands on her hips and stuck out her jaw. “Phyllis Lawanda Marisha Taleena Allenby. Am I on your stupid ass list too?”

  “No.”

  “No? You sure ‘bout that, fat man?”

  Kringle smiled. “I checked it twice.”

  Phyllis’s eyes went mean.“You saying I’m not one of them? I’m one of them. I’m one of them in my heart, you giant sack of —”

  “Enough!”

  Ryan stood up and walked over to Kringle.

  “And who are you, little human?”

  “I’m tired of running, Christopher. I’ve been running for too long.”

  Kringle’s brow furrowed.

  “That voice. I know that voice.”

  “I had some work done. Changed my human face. But I’m sure you’ll recognize this one.”

  Ryan’s body shook, and then he transformed into a werewolf. A giant werewolf, several feet taller than Weston.

  Kringle took a step back, his face awash with fear.

  “Bob.”

  Weston watched, awestruck, as this millennia-old battle played out before him.

  Kringle snarled, raising up his awful Satan Claws.

  Bob bared his teeth and howled, a gut-churning cry that reverberated to the core of Weston’s very soul.

  But before either of them attacked, before either of them even moved, Kris Kringle’s head rolled off his shoulders and onto the floor by Bob’s feet.

  Phyllis Lawanda Marisha Taleena Allenby, scythe in hand, brought the blade down and speared the tip into Kringle’s decapitated head, holding it up so it faced her.

  “Am I on your list now, mutha fucker?”

  Bob peered down at Phyllis, his lupine jaw hanging open.

  “You just killed Kris Kringle.”

  “Damn easy too. Why the hell didn’t you do that five thousand years ago?”

  Scott, a round green hand pressed to his wrinkled old head, stumbled back into the room.

  “What happened?”

  “Phyllis killed Kris Kringle,” Irena said.

  “You go, girl.” Scott gave Phyllis a high-five.

  “You all fought bravely.” Bob stood tall, addressing the group. “Except for the pig. For your courage, you’ll now have full control over your therianthrope powers. You can change at will, and shall retain control of your inner creatures.” “So how do we turn back?” Irena asked.

  “Concentrate.”

  Scott went first, morphing back into his human form.

  Weston and Irena changed while holding hands.

  David’s face scrunched up, but nothing happened.

  “It’s not working,” he said. “I’m still coral.”

  “How about me?” Phyllis asked. “I’m the one that killed that jolly old bastard.”

  “I can turn you into a werewolf, if you so desire.”

  “These guys offered me that before. But I don’t want to be no wolf, or no cheetah, or no turtle, or no dumb ass coral. No offense, David.”

  “None taken. I’m concentrating, but nothing’s happening.”

  Phyllis folded her arms. “My inner animal is a hippopotamus. That’s what I want to be.”

  Bob’s shoulders slumped. “I’m sorry, Phyllis. That’s the extent of my power. But… maybe… just maybe…”

  “Maybe what?”

  “I don’t know if this will work, because he’s dead.”

  “Just spill the beans, Lon Chaney.”

  “Try sitting on Santa’s lap.”

  Phyllis raised a drawn-on eyebrow. “You serious?”

  “He might still have some magic left. Try it.”

  Phyllis walked over to the fallen Kringle and sat on one of his massive thighs.

  “Now what?”

  “Make a Christmas wish, Phyllis. Make your most heartfelt Christmas wish ever.”

  She closed her eyes, and her lips whispered something Weston couldn’t hear.

  And then Weston felt something. Kind of like a breeze. A breeze made of Christmas magic. It swirled around the room, touching each of them, and them coming to rest on Phyllis.

  But nothing happened. She didn’t morph into a hippo. She didn’t morph into anything. A minute passed, and she was still the same old Phyllis.

  “I’m sorry, Phyllis.” Bob helped her up. “I wish there was something else I could do.”

  A sad silence blanketed the room.

  Then badboy rapper LL Cool J strutted into the basement, sans shirt. He took Phyllis’s hand, gave her a deeply passionate kiss, and cupped her butt.

  “Gonna take you back to the crib and make love to you all night, girl. But first we gonna stop by the bank, get your hundred million dollars.”

  LL picked her up and carried her out.

  “See you guys next week,” Phyllis called after them.

  “Someone push me over to Santa’s lap,” David said. “This coral wants a house in Hawaii.”

  “What about all of these corpses?” Scott made a sweeping gesture with his hands. “The police are gonna have a field day.”

  “I’ll take care of it.” Bob rubbed his stomach. “I didn’t have any of the donuts.”

  “Little help here.” David wiggled in place.

  Weston felt a tug on his hand. He stared into Irena’s eyes.

  “Want to, maybe, grab some coffee?” he asked.

  “No.”

  Weston died a little inside. Irena’s nose twitched, showing him a brief glimpse of her inner cheetah.

  “Instead of coffee, I want you to come to my place. I’ve got a leash and a king sized bed.”

  God bless us, everyone, Weston thought as they walked hand-in-hand out the door.

  Richard Matheson

  I WISH IT COULD BE CHRISTMAS FOREVER

  (lyrics by Matheson [yeah, that Richard Matheson] for a Perry Como song)

  I wish it could be Christmas forever,

  I wish that glow would never fade away!

  With friends and loved ones near us,

  Round the Christmas tree so tall,

  We hear the church bells ringing,

  Dear Lord, bless us one and all!

  I know I'd be content now and forever,

  If those Christmas lights would sparkle every day,

  There'd be candy canes and mistletoe,

  Children singing carols we know

  ( . . . singing carols we know, )

  If love and peace on earth would always stay,

  I know it could be Christmas every day!

  John R. Little

  TOMMY’S CHRISTMAS

  I GUESS I was being noisier than I should have been. Goddam kid. I never even heard the little bastard come into the room until he cried, “Santa!” Then he ran over and hugged my leg.

  I looked at him. He was wearing a pair of sky-blue blanket sleeper pajamas with a pink-handled pacifier hung on a string around his neck.

  “Hi there, kid.”

  He rubbed his eyes and yawned. He was maybe three years old—four at the most. His hair was brown like a sparrow and stuck out at odd angles.

  I swallowed and slowly pu
t the silver candlesticks back on the mantel over the stone fireplace beside me. The burlap sack was almost full anyway. If I could just get rid of the damned kid I would leave the rest of the loot and just split.

  “Did you bring me toys, Santa?” He was wide awake now and staring up at me in awe with big blue eyes.

  Christmas Eve is usually my busiest night of the year. The parents are all too drunk to wake up, and the kids are normally too worried about scaring off Santa Claus to get out of their beds if they hear me.

  “What’s your name, little boy?”

  “Tommy.”

  “Well, Tommy, has Santa ever disappointed you?”

  He shook his head. “Well, you di’nt bring me a Hot Wheels road race set last year like you promised.”

  The place had seemed like a perfect setup. I had cased the joint pretty good—the parents were sleeping in a small bedroom in the basement and only the two kids slept on the main floor. Maybe I hadn’t been careful enough because it had seemed so easy.

  The house was all decorated for Christmas inside and the family had gone to bed with all of the lights still burning on the tree. There was a set of six Royal Doulton figurines in a china cabinet in the dining room. I had been careful to wrap them up in towels before taking them so’s they wouldn’t chip.

  There was also a good heavy crystal set and a couple of hundred bucks stashed away in an oak bureau drawer.

  A gray-and-white cat was meowing loudly around me when I first got in. That’s probably what woke the kid up. I picked the cat up by its neck and tossed it out the back door onto the porch overlooking the yard. It looked at me and hopped down the steps.

  I had drunk the glass of milk and eaten the oatmeal cookies that the kids had left out for Santa Claus. A can of Green Giant corn niblets was sitting on the coffee table beside them—I guess it was a snack for the reindeer. The milk was warm.

  “How come you got Danny next door a Hot Wheels set and not me?”

  “Can’t have everything you want, Tommy. You’d be spoiled.”

  I bit my lip. Never did like to deal with little kids.

  “You’d better get to bed, you know. You ain’t supposed to be up when Santa comes.”

  “You really Santa Claus?”