by J. S. Cooper
“Sally is too good for Cody.” Mila made a face. “He’s my brother and I love him, but when he had sex with Barbie, I could have killed him. She’s such a skanky bitch.”
“Mila.” I shook my head at her.
“What?” She glared at me. “It’s true. And I blame you for bringing her that weekend.”
“It’s not my fault that Cody slept with her.” I really didn’t want to talk about this. The more we talked about Barbie, the worse I felt. Mila didn’t know how I really knew Barbie and, at this point, even if I wanted to tell her I couldn’t. There had been too many lies. Too much deceit. I knew that Mila wouldn’t understand, especially seeing as I couldn’t tell her everything that was going on. But I also knew that she would find out eventually. Eventually the truth would come out and everything around me would come crashing down.
My stomach churned as I thought about how Mila would react when she learned the truth. I could already see the pain and hurt in her eyes, maybe even anger and hatred. She’d never forgive me. That I knew for sure. And I didn’t know if I’d ever forgive myself either. But I’d come so far. Too far. I was in it now. I was a man of my word. I had to follow through.
I wondered then, if I could go back in time, if I would still have agreed to the plan. At the time, it had seemed quite harmless. I hadn’t thought that it was anything more than a business transaction, but then I hadn’t been thinking with anything other than my head. Things had changed now. There was a part of me that couldn’t stop thinking about how much I was hurting Mila and she didn’t even know. I was ashamed of myself. I was a predator, taking what I wanted without any regard to my prey. I was the top of the food chain. I was king. And I didn’t like who I was with all that power. I was a despot. A despicable person.
Yet, I was still able to forget. I was still able to be with Mila and pretend. Because when I was with Mila, I did forget. All I thought about was how easy and good it felt to be with her. She was so genuine, so sweet, so loving. I froze as I thought about that. She was loving. Too loving. I knew she was falling deeper and deeper for me. She possibly still had a crush on me. Still felt she was in love with me. I liked that, but I didn’t. I didn’t want her to fall in love with me. I didn’t want her to think that I was something that I wasn’t. Falling in love with me would only break her heart a second time. I couldn’t do that to her. I wanted to be selfish. I wanted to feel her love. Oh, how her love filled me up. When I was lying in bed late at night, sometimes I would just picture her smile and the look in her eyes as she leaned over to hug me and kiss me and it would make me warm. It would make me feel things that I’d never imagined feeling before. Sometimes those feelings made me feel uncomfortable. If they happened in the day, I banished them. But late at night, when the lights were out and it was quiet, I could pretend it was all a dream world. A dream-world fantasy and I’d let myself enjoy it. I’d let myself just soak it all in. And in those moments, I felt alive, truly alive. It was only in the morning that I’d be angry at myself.
“TJ, are you paying attention to me?” Mila poked me in the arm.
“Sorry, what?” I gave her an awkward look, not having heard a word she’d said. “I was thinking about something.”
“Not about Barbie, I hope,” she said jealously and I tried not to grin.
“Maybe I’ll think about Barbie while you think of your ex-boyfriends.”
“You’re an asshole.” She glared at me.
“Am I?” I asked her and leaned over and kissed her on the lips. “Let’s not talk about Barbie anymore. She’s tiresome.”
“So does that mean she’s banished from our lives forever?” Mila asked eagerly, her eyes wide and a huge smile on her face.
“Yeah,” I said softly, not wanting to lie, but not knowing what to say.
“So Cody is no longer seeing her?”
“Cody is no longer seeing her.” I nodded. That was true. Cody had no interest in her other than from that night. Though we hadn’t really spoken about it. We hadn’t spoken about much since my fake engagement to Mila. Not that he knew it was fake. He was pissed at me for having kept our “relationship” a secret for so long. I didn’t know what to tell him. I couldn’t tell him the truth either. And that added to my hurt. We’d been best friends for so long and I felt that I was ruining everything with my actions.
“At least Cody grew some brains. It’s a pity it happened before he became a douchebag.”
“I think he did Sally a favor,” I said, sticking up for him. “At least she knows now that he likes to get around.”
“I don’t think that makes her feel better.” Mila rolled her eyes. “Men change when they’re in love.”
“So you think Cody would have stopped sleeping around if he was in love with Sally?”
“Yes.” She nodded. “That’s what love is all about.”
“Okay.” I tried to hide a grin.
“What? It’s true. When people are in true love, they don’t mess around.”
“Uhm, okay. True love, huh?” I nodded.
“Whatever.” She looked pissed. “I mean, it’s not like you’re going to mess around on me, right?” Her eyes searched mine.
“Well, we’re not in true love, so technically I can, right?” I responded without thinking and I saw her face drop. I immediately regretted my choice of words, but then realized that perhaps they were the best words I could have uttered. I mean, I had to disabuse Mila of the idea that this was ever going to be some picture-perfect love story. That wasn’t how our story was going to go down.
“Yeah, we’re not in love.” Mila shrugged, her voice void of emotion as she looked back up at me with a disinterested expression. “We can do whatever we want.”
“Well, no, we can’t.” I frowned. “As per the contract, we both will remain faithful for the duration of the engagement.” I pursed my lips. “We don’t want anyone on the board to have any inkling that this isn’t a love match, and if you’re flirting around with a bunch of other men, it’s going to be hard to convince them of that fact.”
“Yeah, ’cause I’m the person that’s going to be flirting around.” She stepped back. “Excuse me, I need to go to the restroom.”
“Okay.” I nodded. “Do you need anything?”
“Nope,” she said as she walked away and I’m pretty sure I heard her mumbling under her breath something like, “I need you to not be an insensitive asshole.” I didn’t ask her to speak up, though. She was entitled to her thoughts and feelings. In fact, this is what I wanted. I wanted her to enjoy having fun with me, but I didn’t want her to fall in love with me. We both needed to remember what this was about. This was for fun and excitement. This was for me to fulfill my obligation and duties for the promise I’d made. I sighed as I realized that I’d made a deal with the devil and I wondered if I was going to burn in hell for the rest of my life. As I stood there, feeling uneasy, I knew that that would be a light punishment for the game I was playing. A very light punishment indeed.
Chapter Five
TJ
Two Years Ago
“I want a relationship.” Heidi’s whine was irritating my ears and I tried not to frown at her. “I want to be your girlfriend.”
“I told you I’m not looking for a girlfriend,” I said matter-of-factly and checked my watch to make sure that I hadn’t missed the beginning of the game.
“TJ Walker, did you just check your watch?” Heidi pouted. “Do you have somewhere to be that’s more important than this conversation?”
“Honestly?” I asked her, wondering if she realized just how honest I was.
“Yes,” she said, her eyes looking into mine in a surprised expression.
“Okay, well, I told Cody I’d watch the game with him tonight and kickoff is in twenty minutes, so I kinda have to leave soon.”
“But you just got here an hour ago.” She looked incredulous. “What was this? A booty call?”
“I’d have to be getting some booty for that.” I winked at her, but she di
dn’t laugh.
“All you want me for is sex,” she said slowly as if that was just dawning on her. I wasn’t sure why she was so surprised. I wasn’t sure why any girl was surprised when they realized I didn’t want a relationship. I never told them anything different.
“I like you, Heidi,” I said, giving her a weak smile. “I’m just not in a position to be in a relationship right now.”
“What position is that, TJ?” She growled, starting to sound angry. “The position of being an adult? The last time I checked, you were one.”
“I don’t want a relationship,” I said honestly. “And if I did, it wouldn’t be with you.” I shook my head to myself as the words came out. They were true, but I knew they were hurtful.
“You’re a dirty rotten bastard.” She glared at me and her eyes looked glossy. That was the first time a woman had called me that and to be quite honest, I agreed with her. I stared back at her and wondered if I could make it out of her apartment before she started crying. I really didn’t want to have to waste time comforting her.
“I really liked you, TJ,” she said plaintively, reaching forward and grabbing my hands. “I can help you. You can tell me anything, TJ. I can help you get through your issues.”
“I don’t have any issues.” I sighed and pulled my hands back. I was starting to feel irritated. Heidi really didn’t get it. If she wanted me to stay, there was basically only one thing she could do right now and that was to pull my zipper down and take me into her mouth, and even then I’d be resistant to staying, now that I knew she wanted a relationship and was in the “pleading for it” stage. There was nothing worse than a normally confident and attractive woman begging me for a relationship, when she knew I didn’t want that. I wasn’t sure what it was about women that made them think that they could sleep with a man enough times to make them commit. Didn’t they realize that a man wanted more than some ass to commit to someone? So many times, I wanted to tell these women that just because they let me fuck them up the ass or in some back alleyway, that wasn’t making me respect them. And the attempts to pull out my cock and suck me under the table at restaurants were too numerous to count. I wasn’t sure what manual women read that made them believe that sex was a way to a man’s heart. But it needed to be updated.
“So you’re just going to leave?” She pouted at me. “That’s it?” Tears started to roll down her cheeks and I sighed. I really didn’t have time for this. “You’re just going to leave me like this?” She pursed her lips and I felt her hands reach down to my zipper. “I want you to stay, TJ.” She slipped her fingers inside my boxers and I felt her slightly cold and trembling fingers on my shaft.
“I see,” I said, and I contemplated staying for another hour, when I heard my phone beeping. I grabbed it from my pocket and read the text message from Cody: Dude, just a heads up, Mila and Sally are coming over as well, so don’t plan on bringing any weed over. I stared at the text, pulled Heidi’s hand out of my pants and took a step back.
“Sorry, Heidi, it’s just not going to work out,” I said, giving her a quick nod and walked over to her front door. “Bye,” I said as I opened the front door and hurried out of her apartment. My mind was off of Heidi as soon as I opened my car door. There was only one woman who had any part of my mind. And that was the one woman I would never let myself have.
Present Day
The smell of honeysuckle hit me as soon as I opened my front door. It wafted through the air and surprised me as I made my way into the hallway. The smell was unfamiliar, but sweet and homey. My apartment was slowly becoming a real home and it was a weird feeling to suddenly realize that.
“Honey, I’m home,” I called out, feeling my mood lifting as I looked around the living room. Mila had added a few homey touches to my place since she’d moved in a week ago and I was pleasantly surprised at how cozy my place seemed. Everything had been going smoothly and I was enjoying coming home to her. It almost seemed like I was in some sort of movie, with the happy wife and the perfect life. All we were missing were the kids and a Golden Retriever. Oh and living in true happiness and bliss, of course. Our happiness was predicated on a lie, but I was trying to forget that fact.
“Hey.” Mila’s voice sounded happy as she came running out of the kitchen towards me. “You’re home.” She ran up to me and gave me a big hug and a kiss on the lips, her cheeks a rosy pink, and her eyes sparkling in happiness.
“I am,” I said and kissed her back, my heart feeling odd as I gazed at her. “I see you did some shopping.”
“Just some small stuff.” She laughed as she gazed around the apartment and realized just how much she’d transformed my place. There were flowers everywhere and lots of new knick-knacks, like vases and little pots and containers with candles and candy. She’d also added some new art to my walls, bright colorful Picasso prints that popped out and made the room seem grander. There was a new throw blanket on the couch that she’d gotten; it was made of alpaca wool and it was gray and soft and even though I didn’t know what an alpaca was, I enjoyed the feeling of it covering us when we lay on the couch together. I was a man and would never admit to it, but I liked the small luxuries that she’d brought to my life.
“I have a new couch coming as well.” She bit down on her lower lip and looked up at me with wide eyes.
“You have a new couch coming?” I asked her with a grin, laughing at her joke.
“I’m not joking, TJ.” She giggled. “Don’t be mad.”
“You seriously have a new couch coming?” I asked her, my eyes searching hers and I could tell from her expression that she was dead serious. “What’s wrong with my couch?”
“Leather? Dark, sticky leather?” She made a face. “So unattractive.”
“It’s comfortable.” I shrugged, still not quite believing that she’d actually purchased a new couch. That was a huge purchase and I really felt taken aback. I’d never expected Mila to get that comfortable in my place. I liked it and hated it both at the same time.
“It’s not cute, though.” She wrinkled her nose as she looked over at my most prized piece of furniture. “And there are no throw pillows.”
“It’s soft enough to not need throw pillows,” I said and looked at my couch longingly. “Plus, we have an alpaca throw blanket now. Isn’t that enough?”
“No, TJ.” She giggled and shook her head.
“When will it be leaving my abode?” I asked mournfully, wondering if I could hold some sort of funeral for the couch before it left. And the funeral would consist of us having sex on the couch in multiple positions. That would partially make up for her replacing it.
“Hopefully this weekend.” She looked at me nervously. “I told the store we’d pay extra for a fast delivery of the new sectional.”
“You did, did you?” I raised an eyebrow at her. What had happened to the girl who was too timid to use my credit card? She’d obviously disappeared. I was going to make a comment, but I stopped myself. I had a feeling if I made a joke, she’d take it self-consciously and then maybe she really would stop using the card. Which I didn’t want. I liked that she felt comfortable enough with me now to not call me every time she wanted to charge twenty dollars for some silly purchase. I had plenty of money and I was happy for her to use it.
“Yeah, I wanted it to arrive in time for the dinner party. Make our home look more cozy to everyone.” She gave me a winning smile.
“Are you saying our home isn’t cozy?” I asked her and she smirked at me. I saw her smiling and realized that I’d said “our home,” as opposed to “my home.” It was weird that I was starting to think of this as our home now. I wasn’t sure how it was going to feel when she moved out. How cozy and homey all her little knick-knacks would feel once she was gone. I’d most probably pack them up into a box and take them to Goodwill. I wouldn’t want to be reminded of her time here. Not once everything came out. It would remind me too much of all I’d lost.
“What do you think, TJ?” she said and then shrieked and r
an back to the kitchen.
“What’s going on?” I followed behind her and watched as she hurriedly opened the oven door.
“I’m roasting some potatoes and I didn’t want them to burn.” She pulled out a tray from the oven and placed them on top of the stove. “You like herb-roasted potatoes, right?” She turned to me with a sweet smile. “I remember you used to scarf them down when you’d come over. My mom used to call you the potato monster.”
“She did, didn’t she?” I laughed as I remembered all of the meals that I’d eaten with her family. I’d never thought that one day, we’d be here and she’d be cooking for me. “Her potatoes were the bomb.”
“Yeah, so are mine, though.” Mila laughed.
“As long as you don’t burn them.” I winked at her. “Your mom would never burn them.”
“Shh, you.” She grabbed a towel and swatted me with it as she laughed. “If you keep insulting me, you won’t get any dinner.”
“Hmm, let me hear what’s for dinner, first.” I raised an eyebrow at her. “Then I’ll decide if I want to keep insulting you.”
“You’re incorrigible.” She giggled. “I’m making a roast chicken, with roast potatoes, gravy, Brussels sprouts and carrots.”
“Sounds delicious.” I licked my lips.
“And an apple pie with ice cream for dessert.”
“Okay, I’m sold. No more insults.” I paused. “For the day.”
“TJ Walker.” She laughed. “Come on now.”
“Come on now, what?” I grinned. “What are you going to make for the dinner party?”
“I’m not sure yet, but I was thinking of grilling some steaks.”
“Steaks are always good.” I nodded. “Who’s coming, again?”
“Sally and Cody,” she said as she closed the oven door and went to the fridge.
“What about your parents?” I asked. “And Nonno.”
“Nah, didn’t invite them,” she said with a shake of her head. “We can have them over soon.”