Alex didn’t say anything as she looked down at the floor. She knew it was time to talk to Reese; after all, she was her friend, her closest and best friend. In the short time they had known each other, she felt closer to her than she ever had to anyone else. She felt a light caress on her arm and looked up.
“Alex, you don’t have to say anything,” Reese said softly as her hand caressed Alex’s arm in a soothing motion. Reese was taken aback when she looked into tear-filled eyes. “Sweetheart, honestly, we don’t have to talk about this,” she said to the distraught woman in front of her. She held both of Alex’s arms. When she saw Alex begin to sob, she took her into her arms. “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” she kept repeating as she rubbed Alex’s back.
Alex pulled away and wiped her face. She was not able to look Reese in the eye. She turned her back to her, looking out into the darkness. Then, Alex took a deep breath and began to speak.
“His name was Teddy. He was my son.” She paused.
Reese just listened. Her heart was breaking just hearing Alex’s tear-filled voice. She knew to let Alex tell it her way and just be there to listen. The most important thing she could do for Alex was to listen and be there to help pick up the pieces.
“I met James when I was twelve. Our families knew each other and were very close while we were growing up. So naturally, as the years went by, we did what was expected; we were engaged. Both families were ecstatic. More than anything else, James and I had a lot in common. We both wanted to go to law school, and we wanted the same things. It made sense…we made sense. So we got married. After a while, I realized that I wasn’t happy and in truth, neither was James.” Alex stopped again.
Reese rubbed her back encouraging her to go on and letting her know that she was there listening.
Alex smiled at the loving gesture. “I was going to talk to James about a divorce when I found out I was pregnant. I remember the day I found out, Reese.” She put her arms protectively around herself as she began to sob again.
This time the sobbing was different, more intense. Alex began to shake and Reese came up from behind and held her.
“I remember thinking how the baby would alter all my plans. I…I actually considered having an abortion...” When she said that her whole body shook with uncontrollable sobbing.
They both slid to the floor, and Reese held on tightly to Alex.
“Oh, God, Reese, that’s what kept going through my mind when I saw him, lying on that slab in the hospital. I had wanted to kill my beautiful boy, and I was being punished. My baby was taken away from me…my baby was taken away from me…”
Alex was inconsolable, her sobs filled with more pain than Reese could ever imagine. She knew that nothing she could say at that moment would stop the tears and that Alex needed to shed those tears.
Reese cried with her. She felt the pain that Alex had been holding inside her all these years. She held Alex close and cried with her, sharing her pain.
During the night, they moved to the sofa and Alex fell asleep partially on Reese. Reese was incredulous of how any human being could have held so much pain inside.
Alex clung to Reese even in her sleep. Reese looked down on the dark-haired woman whose face was on her breast and she caressed her hair. Reese cried again with tears of sadness for the woman she loved. Alex carried so much hurt and guilt inside her that it was no wonder she had separated herself from the whole world. She was afraid of the pain. She was so afraid of the pain that loving brought with it. Reese kissed the top of Alex’s head and her arms protectively held her a little tighter.
Alex reflexively tightened her hold as well.
Reese wondered how it would have been to know the old Alex. She recalled a conversation with Kate in which Kate had said that Alex had once been joyful and full of life. The Alex in her arms only gave so much, only showed so much, and only felt so much. This Alex was filled with uncertainties and vulnerabilities. She had not realized just how fragile Alex was until tonight. And at that moment, Reese loved her ever so much more.
Reese was filled with a need to protect her, love her, and be there for her. She would always be there to hold Alex. However, this also showed her that Alex might never love her back. She might never want to take the risk. And Reese cried because in finding Alex she now knew she might never truly be hers.
†
It was almost dawn when Alex’s eyes opened slowly. She woke feeling a sense of safety and love. She raised her head a little and saw Reese, who held her during the night as she shed all the tears she had been holding in for so long. She looked at the woman’s face before her and was filled with a sense of awe.
Reese was a true enigma to Alex. All she had ever asked of Alex was friendship. How could Alex have ever thought that she could just walk out of her life? Alex accepted the fact that her life would not be the same without her in it. Somehow, Reese had brought some peace back into her life. And Alex needed peace. Peace was something she had lost so many, many years ago.
Reese gave her a sense of balance and security. Her friends, her family, her colleagues all thought that she was so in control, when really she was always filled with fear. They all thought she was so strong when she always felt vulnerable and weak. They did not see her, but Reese had. Alex knew that was the thing that frightened her the most. Reese saw her. Reese saw it all, and she knew enough not to force her or push her.
How had this happened? Somehow this woman holding me, comforting me, loving me…and at that thought, she stopped.
Reese loved her. Alex was filled with this knowledge, and looked at Reese’s face differently. Suddenly, she was filled with both fear and curiosity. Alex studied the face in front of her and noticed every small detail. She remembered the day she had first seen Reese and thinking that she had been beautiful. But looking at her now, Alex realized she had not really seen just how beautiful she was.
This woman holding her filled her with fear but at the same time gave her a sense of being whole; Alex had gotten used to walking around with this empty hole inside her, but Reese somehow made her feel complete. Yes, that is what Reese made her feel. And for the first time since she could remember, Alex didn’t think. She allowed herself, at least for that moment in her life, to do what she felt instinctively she needed to do—she reached a hand up to Reese’s face and caressed it.
Reese’s eyes opened slowly and she leaned into Alex’s touch. Blue and green eyes met and no words were needed. Alex’s face came closer and her lips went to meet the lips that opened slightly waiting for hers. All she allowed herself to do was feel.
Reese woke up to love touching her, love looking into her eyes, and love’s lips kissing her.
Both women slowly gave themselves to the sensuality of the kiss. Both were filled with a sudden hunger as a flame of desire was born. Reese’s arms tightened, pulling Alex closer to her.
Alex moved so that she was lying completely on top of Reese. She was filled with a need to possess…she wanted and that was all that her brain registered. She wanted to touch, to feel, to kiss, and to caress. She wanted to make love to Reese. And as the thought registered, her head went up. Whereas a moment before she was filled with need, now she was filled with fear and it showed in her eyes.
Reese saw it. She did not completely release Alex but did loosen her hold on her. She chose to neither acknowledge nor deny that perhaps this moment might bring them closer rather than separating them. She used all the strength in her to allow the woman she loved the time she needed.
Reese smiled. “Good morning,” she said simply. “Feeling a little better?” Her voice was gentle as she lovingly put a strand of Alex’s hair behind her ear.
“Yes, thank you,” answered Alex, her eyes filled with fear and uncertainty. She looked down trying to hide it.
“How about I make us some breakfast in that beautiful unused kitchen of yours?”
Alex looked up and was met with playful, smiling eyes, and she smiled back. “I am starving.”
<
br /> “Good, let’s get up and I will make you my famous eggs,” Reese said as they both got up from the sofa. “If you have anything in that refrigerator of yours, that is.”
“Hey, I have food in there!” Alex walked behind Reese into the kitchen.
“Yeah, sure, you have food in there because we bought it yesterday. I swear I don’t know how you don’t starve!”
“That’s because I eat at your house,” Alex answered playfully.
“Oh, so that’s why you come over, huh? Because I feed you?” she said, pretending to be mad.
“You found out my secret.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” said Reese.
Reese started going through the cupboards, and then went to look inside the refrigerator. “God, Alex, you really don’t have any food here!” She turned to look at her friend.
“I haven’t really lived here for a long time.” Alex had a look of sadness again. Reese walked over to her and was unable to stop herself. She kissed Alex lightly on the lips and surrounded her with her embrace.
“You don’t have to be afraid, Alex. You are not alone anymore.” As she said this, her embrace tightened. And to her surprise, Alex’s arms went around her.
“Mommy?”
Both women turned and saw Carly rubbing her eyes. Reese let go of Alex and walked over to her little girl, and Carly’s arms went up to her. Reese picked her up and held her tightly to her.
“Good morning, my sweet girl,” she said, giving the little girl a squeeze.
Alex smiled at the vision in front of her.
“Good morning, Mommy,” replied a sleepy Carly.
“You hungry?”
“Uh-hum.” Carly looked toward Alex. “Hi, Alex,” she said and held her hand out. Alex walked over and was surprised as Carly put her hands out to her and went into her arms. The little girl buried her face in Alex’s neck and her arms went around her shoulders.
Alex felt the same sense of rightness as she had with Reese only minutes before. She looked up and Reese was smiling back at her.
“I’ll make us some coffee, okay,” she said to Alex with an understanding smile.
“She fell asleep again,” said Alex, looking down at Carly and then back at Reese.
“She loves you, Alex. She feels safe with you.”
Alex opened her mouth to say something and closed it again. She looked down at the sleeping child in her arms and held her tighter as she kissed her golden head. “I love her too, Reese, I love her too.” Alex held Carly lovingly and she began to rock her slowly sideways.
Reese just smiled and went to make the coffee.
Chapter 5
Elliot walked into Alex’s office and found her staring out the window, completely unaware that he was even in the room.
“What are you daydreaming about, Counselor?” he said half-jokingly.
Alex turned. Her face looked quite serious and far away before the usual smile was put in place. Elliot knew that smile immediately. It had developed slowly. It was the smile that made people think all was fine when it really wasn’t.
“Hello, Elliot,” she replied, while going to sit in her chair behind her desk. “You in here to drive me crazy as usual?”
“No, actually, yes. I have the file on that contamination case, and I want your opinion on it. We go to trial in three weeks.”
“I will have that for you by Wednesday, all right?” she answered, jotting down a note on her calendar.
“Wednesday?” Elliot grimaced in disbelief that Alex would need that much time. “I don’t think it will take you that long. I planned on having your notes by Monday morning.”
“I have plans for the weekend. I won’t be coming in,” she answered, not looking up at Elliot.
“Okay, you have finally said it. Now will you fill me in and tell me what has been changing you. Not that I don’t like it,” he said before she could protest. Continuing, he said, “Alex, you have looked more alive these last couple of months than I have seen you in the past few years. To what do we owe this change? Who are you seeing? Do I know him?”
“Elliot! Stop! I am not seeing anyone. I am spending time with a friend and her daughter.”
Elliot sat down in the chair in front of her desk, looking puzzled. “Oh? I thought…well…never mind. Who is this friend of yours?”
“You met her, she came in here a few months ago,” Alex answered, avoiding looking at Elliot.
“I did? Which one?”
“Reese Owens, the blonde woman that came to my office…” she trailed off while she tried going through some papers in front of her.
“The blonde…yes, I remember her. Beautiful woman. She has a daughter, huh?”
“Yes, her daughter’s name is Carly. Sweet little thing.” Alex still could not look Elliot in the eye. He had known her for too long and Alex did not want to answer questions, nor did she wish to even think about them.
“So, what will you be doing?” he asked innocently enough.
“What is this, the inquisition?” asked an annoyed Alex as she faced a totally confused Elliot.
“What is bothering you? I simply asked a very innocuous question. Jesus, Alex! It’s not like you are dating her or anything!” he said mockingly.
Standing up, Alex just stared at him.
Elliot stared back and suddenly sat back down slowly, not losing eye contact with Alex. “Alex, are you seeing her?” he asked softly.
Alex wanted to deny the implication but at that moment, she asked herself the same question. Am I? She wasn’t sure of her actions or her feelings where Reese was concerned. She didn’t want to see what was happening. Now Elliot had asked and she didn’t know quite how to answer.
“Alex?”
She looked away.
“Elliot, I like spending time with her. She makes me feel lighthearted. I don’t have to think when I am with Reese. She’s fun and active; she and Carly have somehow just filled some of the empty spaces, that’s all,” she answered. “I enjoy their company.”
“All right, Alex. I didn’t mean to imply anything.” He seemed embarrassed by his assumption.
“Would it have mattered to you if it had been more than friendship, Elliot?” She knew she should just have left it alone and yet she had to know the answer to her question.
“What? If you were dating a woman? I guess it would for a while. I mean, it would certainly be a surprise, but I would still be your friend, Alex.”
“Thank you, Elliot,” she said with a smile.
“Hey, I almost forgot. I need a date for the Carlton Awards Dinner. So how about it? Are you going with someone?”
“No, I don’t have anyone. Sure, we can go together,” she replied, eyeing the papers on her desk again.
“Great, it’s a date. Shall I pick you up?”
“Sure, sounds fine.”
“Well, I’ll let you get back to your files.” With that, he left her office.
As soon as the door closed, Alex rolled her eyes up to the ceiling. What had she gotten herself into? She had accepted a date with Elliot. Her fingers went through her hair. He had asked her every year to go with him to that stupid awards dinner and she had always said no. And now she had accepted because…why? Why did I say yes?
†
After the third ring, Reese picked up the phone. She had run into the house with her briefcase to catch it.
“Hello?” she said, a little out of breath.
“Hey, are you okay, kiddo?”
“Hi, Kate. Just came in through the door.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay, Kate. What’s up?”
“I thought you guys would like to come over this Saturday for a barbecue and a jump in the pool. Rob is making his famous sautéed chicken. Don’t worry, we all usually survive Rob’s grilling,” she finished saying with a laugh.
Reese laughed in return. “Count us in. Carly loves to play with Kevin.”
“Tell my sister that we can make a whole day of it and then we, the adults,
can maybe go out to see a movie later on. I have a sitter for the night.”
“Sounds great. Hey, why don’t you ask her yourself?”
“Reese, she practically lives at your house. I wish she would just move in and get all this over and done with.”
Reese was silent. She had not realized how observant Kate was. She thought she was so controlled about her feelings and yet here was Kate commenting on their relationship. She had to admit she was glad that Alex’s sister approved.
“Reese? Are you there?” asked Kate. “Look, Reese, I’m not blind, my sister may be but not me.”
“Kate…”
“You’re good for her. She doesn’t know how much yet but she will,” Kate said to a very misty-eyed Reese.
“Does it show that much?”
“Honey, you could see it for miles. I knew the minute I saw you two covered in mud,” she answered, laughing.
“And you are okay with this, Kate? With me?”
“You are a great person, Reese. Alex is very lucky to have had love find her at last.”
“Kate, we are not together in any way…honestly. I wish we were, but we aren’t.”
“No way! But I thought…the way she looks at you I thought…” Kate said in an incredulous voice.
“No.”
“Listen, Reese, Alex has been through hell but she is not blind. She will see it. Don’t give up on her. I know she has feelings for you. I can see it every time she looks at you,” Kate said, trying to reassure Reese.
“I hope you’re right, Kate. I love her more than I can bear sometimes,” she answered in a sad voice. “She will; give her time, Reese. My sister may be slow, but she is not stupid.” She laughed again. “So you will talk to her about Saturday?”
“Yes, I will. And, Kate?”
“Yes?”
“Thank you.”
†
After she had finished at the office, Alex was driving as usual toward Reese’s house. She pulled up in front of the house and just sat in her car. She asked herself so many questions. Mostly, how had she gotten here and what was she doing coming here every day? It had been a week since she and Reese had last kissed. And she had to admit, she had thought about it a lot. When Elliot asked if she was she seeing her, she had quickly answered no. Is that why she had accepted Elliot’s invitation to that awards dinner on Saturday? She was so confused she didn’t know what to do or think.
The Very Thought of You Page 5