He climbed to the walkway and strolled towards the outward bus stop. Beneath him the swarming crowd looked as small as their minds, their purposes. Buses roared and squealed under the walkway. On the side of one a long notice said 70 INTO ONE WILL GO, and showed a long queue boarding a bus. There were only a few people in the queue, duplicated over and over again. They wouldn’t make him into a duplicate.
At first the bus home wasn’t crowded, except with shopping that sat next to passengers. Horridge watched the driver in the mirror. The man’s lips moved as though he was talking to himself. He bared his teeth, licking them. Good God, was he mad? Perhaps he was simply trying to dislodge fragments of toffee.
As the bus bullied its way out of town, it grew full. Each time it slowed, it vibrated; the driver’s face quivered as though the mirror were a pool. Wasn’t that dangerous? People tramped upstairs, cigarettes panting in their mouths. The driver let a friend ride without paying. No wonder the company kept putting up fares!
The bus laboured up Brunswick Road, beside which a few lonely street corners defended their territory amid a waste of mud and billboards. The woman who had just boarded the bus stood in the aisle, scowling at the bag that dangled from her elbow and thumped her hipbone.
Horridge stood up. “Excuse me, would you like to sit down?”
She stared, as though he were mad. That was Women’s Lib for you. How many of these women knew that to lib meant to castrate? She sat down readily enough, for all that she appeared to resent his courtesy.
At once the driver said “No standing. Seats upstairs.”
Whom was he addressing? Horridge glanced at the woman, but she avoided his look. At last he stared at the driver’s reflected stare. “Of course there’s standing,” he said, and pointed at the sign.
“ No standing.” The man sounded indifferent as a machine. As soon as he’d driven past the traffic lights on top of the hill, he halted the bus. “I’ve told you, no standing. This bus doesn’t move until you go upstairs.”
Horridge felt everyone staring at him. He had been made a scapegoat, blamed for the delay. His skin felt as though they were sticking pins into him. As he clambered upstairs, his limp had never been heavier.
The triumphant jerk of the bus made him almost lose his footing. His foot dangled in mid-air. He remembered the ladder, the violent lurch, his father dragging him down, his leg thumping the ground like a hammer composed of flesh and fragile bone. That moment had made sure he would never reach the top.
And now he was trudging upstairs at the whim of this petty employee who thought his uniform made him all-powerful. He wouldn’t do it. He descended the stairs loudly and declared “I’m not sitting in all that smoke.”
Some of the passengers groaned, as though he were a villain making a stage entrance. “Then you can get off my bus,” the driver said.
A bus stop which Horridge recognised was approaching. Rage stiffened his face; he felt like a ventriloquist forced to imitate his dummy. He managed to open his twitching lips, and to say “That will be a pleasure. Just let me off here and be quick about it.”
As the bus stopped, the driver’s face shivered. Horridge should have challenged him with that – he wasn’t fit to drive, he didn’t even check his mirror – but he wanted to be free of the suffocating disapproval of the crowd. He wrenched at the folding doors. Was the driver retarding them deliberately, to make a fool of him?
He gripped the pole of the bus stop. He wished he could have torn it out of the pavement, for a weapon. Nearby on a hoarding, a tobacco pipe larger than a man glowed and exhaled real smoke. Beside the hoarding stood a telephone box. His fury, and a sense of imminent release, rushed him to the phone. He dialled and shoved the coin against the barrier, impatient for the pay tone.
“ Yes?” the voice said warily before it was interrupted by the peeping.
Horridge bent over the receiver so that passers-by wouldn’t be able to spy on him, and masked the mouthpiece with his birth certificate. “Roy Craig,” he said. Though his voice was thick with disgust, he was savouring a sense of power.
“ Yes, this is he.”
Uncertainty made the voice rise, which excited Horridge: he would have it squealing before he’d finished. “You think you’re quite safe tucked away in your flat, don’t you?” he said. “We’ll soon have you out in the open where everyone can see you.”
Silence: not even the sound of breathing. Craig must have frozen like a trapped beast, hoping the hunter would think he wasn’t there. A faint wheeze betrayed him. “The police may prefer to ignore what you’re up to,” Horridge said at once. “But I know.”
The pitch of Craig’s voice wavered; it sounded like a dizzy man on the edge of a fall. “What are you talking about?”
“ Are you out of your depth? Am I confusing you? Oh dear.” Relinquishing sarcasm, he said harshly “Just remember that someone knows what you do to young boys – all of what you do to them.”
“ I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.”
“ Haven’t you? Shall I tell you?” Enraged, Horridge said “You tie them up, and then -” He couldn’t go on. “You filth. You obscene animal. You’re not fit to live among human beings,” he said.
He was losing control. His hand clenched on the receiver until the plastic creaked. He slammed the receiver into its cradle and shouldered his way out of the box, which had turned suffocating. A breeze cooled his burning face.
He’d achieved something. Craig was becoming more nervous. They were supposed to be so sensitive, these homosexuals. Horridge meant to nag at that sensitivity until it betrayed Craig – until Craig said too much to someone. Perhaps he would betray himself to one of the people in the house on Aigburth Drive. Surely they couldn’t all be corrupt.
He stood at the bus stop. In the old days he would alight here from the homeward bus from town. He gazed across the dual carriageway, towards Boaler Street, beyond which he’d lived. Smouldering houses were heaped on mud, blocking his view.
The place was ruined. That troubled him less deeply than it might have; his sense of triumph was a cocoon. What did his street look like these days? Impulsively he crossed to the opposite pavement, resting his bad leg for a few moments on the central reservation. He wouldn’t use the pedestrian subway. He’d had enough of subways in Cantril Farm.
Where the subway emerged, the Palladium cinema had stood. He remembered the Saturday matinees, the darkness swarming with other children, hair-pulling and fights in the flickering dimness, children sneaking to the exits to let in their friends who couldn’t or didn’t want to pay, the great unison cheer as the film appeared. Once, not long after he’d started school, he had sat dismayed and blushing while everyone else shrieked with laughter at Stan Laurel in a kilt, at the tailor trying to put a hand between his legs.
He made his way to Boaler Street, along a road between untidy pyramids which had been houses. Something drifted towards his face: a spider’s strand? He gestured it away – but it was a telephone wire, hanging from its pole.
The far side of Boaler Street was intact, but the houseless pavement that faced it made the blocks of shops and houses look unguarded. Already some of the shop windows displayed debris. Half of the side of a house was covered by a poster that said TOLKEIN: DISCOVER HIS WORLD. The small butcher’s was still standing: BOALER MEAT MARKET – GIANTS OF THE MEAT TRADE. That made him smile, as it always had.
He walked along his street. A few slates clung to roofs. Curtains swayed behind broken glass, but nobody was peering down at him. Once he had begun to climb the ladders he’d been able to see into all those bedrooms. Mr and Mrs Craven had kept a whip and a tawse behind the bed, Mr Wallace had had Nazi medals in the back bedroom. He’d scrubbed their windows, he’d painted their bricks, and as he’d gazed down from the ladder the street and the people had seemed like his toys.
Here was his house. In the thin rectangle of earth that separated the house from the pavement, the hedge had grown long and spidery.
All the doors were missing; he could see straight through the four empty frames to the jumbled back yard. The front room was bright with a mosaic of paper, tin cans and peel.
What had they done to the end of the street? Beyond the crossroads there had been a similar terrace; he’d used to imagine he was gazing into a mirror. Now there was nothing but mud. He limped to the crossroads. Where four streets had stood, there was an enormous square of desolation, surrounded by derelict houses that looked shrunken by the waste. A sky the colour of watered milk glared through the latticework of their stripped roofs. Smoke wandered over the mud, where puddles shone in ruts left by bulldozers.
He’d once played in these vanished streets. The view made him feel hollow – as hollow as he’d felt after his father’s drunkenness had dragged him down. When his mother had become ill, his father had taken to drink. If Horridge had been given to self-indulgence, his father’s behaviour would have cured him.
His father had grown weak; he’d refused to face up to his duties. “Don’t go out now. Go up and see your mother,” he would say, in order to free himself for the pub. Horridge had sat by the gloomy bed, gazing at the pale collapsed face which he hardly recognised, hoping that she wouldn’t wake, dreading the feeble plaintive plea: “Where’s your father?” He had been his father’s donkey, something on which to pile all the burdens.
After her death, the man had drunk more heavily – out of grief, or because now there was nothing to stop him? He’d begun to talk loosely as an imbecile. One day, searching for him in the pub, Horridge had overheard him. “It was worrying about the boy that killed her. Sometimes I wonder if he’s my son. Maybe they gave us someone else’s baby by mistake. Never in my life before have the police been to my house.”
Horridge had fled unnoticed, but the sense of injustice had clung to him. All the street-corner gossips had fallen silent as he’d approached. Everyone blamed him. But gradually, as he walked, he’d come to the conclusion that his father must have killed her. That was why he was so anxious to shift the blame. Perhaps, in his drunkenness, he’d fed her too much medicine.
He had never told his father that he’d heard. He’d behaved as though nothing had happened – polite but aloof. It had strained his nerves; he’d dreaded hearing his father enter the house, the cue for him to begin pretending. He wasn’t qualified for any other job, and he knew nobody besides his father who would take him on.
Did his father sense this change, or had he grown maudlin since his wife’s death? He’d begun to fawn on Horridge, to hug him drunkenly, calling him “son” for the first time in his life. But when the new batch of business cards was printed they’d advertised HORRIDGE, not HORRIDGE AND SONS. His son wasn’t a man, he was only a tool to be used without acknowledgment.
Had his son’s aloofness made him drink more heavily? He had begun drinking on the job, and that had caused the fall. Horridge had heard his sudden incoherent shout below him, which might have been a warning or a threat; he’d felt the support of the ladder wrenched from beneath him, the terrifying impact of the ground. Even before the pain grew, he’d known that his leg was irreparably damaged.
When they released him from the hospital, he’d found his father intolerable. The man had kept apologising, clinging hotly to him, breathing stale beer into his face. From disliking physical contact, Horridge had grown to loathe and fear it. Never before had the house seemed so cramped. It was full of his father’s sounds, threatening to close in on him. He had felt physically menaced.
Often he would spend the evening immobile in his chair, listening for the threat of the key in the lock, his father’s drunken blundering into the house. “I’m sorry,” his father would always begin, like the first ritual words of a confession. “I’ll make it up to you.” He’d taken Horridge on jobs, to carry the paint and to do such work as didn’t need a ladder. Most of all Horridge had detested his charity.
Drink had killed him. There had hardly been space in the front room for the crowd around the coffin. All the women who lived in the street had wept around Horridge. “Don’t you get lonely. Come in and see us whenever you want. We’ll look after you.” How many of them had talked about him behind his back? They were as bad as his father, lying there looking peaceful and gentle, the hypocrite. Gazing at his father’s sunken face, Horridge had been unable to remember anything good about him. He’d become merely an object, incapable of menacing.
Once the crowd and the coffin had left, the house had seemed the right size at last. Horridge had strode through it, occupying all the rooms. He had finally become a man, with his own house. He’d felt triumphant and free.
He hadn’t long felt so – not when he’d realised that there was no money to come from his father, who had squandered it on drink. He’d applied for jobs, but even when he concealed his limp they had noticed it. At last he’d had to rely on the government’s grudging charity. His father had dragged him down to that.
No need to depress himself. He’d achieved something today. The derelict houses looked like a low fence, pitifully incapable of containing the desolation that had already reached them. Smoke roved the mud as though in search of the destroyed streets. He turned his back on the waste.
The hedge swayed over the pavement outside his house. He made for the roadway to avoid it. Could he really pass his house without going in one last time? He glanced up at the front bedroom, into which he’d moved his bed when the house was his. Through the broken window peered a burst football.
He’d kick that ball out, if he did nothing else. He picked his way into the front room, over the doorstep scaly with broken slate. Water grew upon a stain on the ceiling, drew itself together, dangled, dripped. The wallpaper had been clawed down – by animals, or by people?
Between the communicating doorways of the front and back rooms the stairs climbed, hemmed in by walls. Fallen plaster crunched underfoot. The sensation reminded him of fever, of the impression that his skin was encrusted and crawling. He could hardly recognise the house; never before had it felt so grubby – as though it had been buried and disinterred.
A mattress drooped over the top of the stairs, bristling with rusty springs. He had never seen it before. Since he had been lured out by the housing planners, someone must have been sleeping here. And there was movement in the back bedroom, the skirt of someone who was trying to hide. It was wallpaper, flapping in a breeze.
He paced carefully into the front bedroom. Water had burst the paper overhead, which trailed sodden streamers. The scraps of paper which clung to the walls looked entirely unfamiliar. Had the absence of doors and house numbers tricked him into the wrong house? Or had that pattern lurked beneath the wallpaper all the time he had slept in this room?
Some of the floorboards were missing; pieces of timber lay on the gap-toothed floor. He picked up a piece of wood to test his footing. As he straightened up, he saw the three bent nails still protruding from beneath the windowsill, like the legs of a rusty spider. So this was his room. What was that in the middle of the floor, where his bed had stood? He peered incredulously. His mouth filled with disgust. It was a heap of filth.
His father had beaten him several times for wetting his bed. Horridge had felt that that part of his body was out to get the better of him, to soil him. Now someone had fouled his room. Nothing could have robbed him of his house and all its memories more viciously.
As he stumbled forward inadvertently, he saw the cat. It was crouched in the corner nearest the door, waiting for him to vacate the doorway so that it could flee. It looked dirty and shapeless as the stuffing of the torn mattress. He knew that it was the culprit that had soiled his house.
He advanced delicately, raising the piece of wood. It seemed vitally important to kill the creature. He had almost reached it when it leapt. He whirled, and brought the club crashing down. It tore a hole in the wall; plaster rained on the boards. He heard the cat scuttling downstairs and out.
He stood in the derelict room, gnawing a splinter out of his hand. His t
eeth ripped at the skin, as though to drain his fury. “Filth. Filth. Filth,” he snarled.
He hurried to the dual carriageway. His limp swayed him violently, but his rage urged him on: he must be rid of it. He made himself wait for the pay tone before thrusting in the coin. “Just you remember I’m never far away,” he said without giving Craig a chance to speak, and felt powerful at once. “You’d be surprised how close I am to you.”
***
Chapter VIII
For the next few days he listened to the radio. Whenever it tried to sidle beyond audibility he reeled it back. Old Beatles songs. Music and memories of the thirties. Couldn’t they face up to the present? He listened to every news report – but there was no word of Craig.
He read the papers in Cantril Farm Library, but they had no more to offer. On an impulse he asked to see the voters’ list. There was his name, lined up with the rest, pinned down by its number. Each day he was first for the papers, until he found the man with the fishbowl eyes waiting at the table. Horridge left at once. He was taking no risks.
Of course Craig betrayed himself by his silence. Had he not been guilty, he would have reported the calls to the police. But mightn’t he have reported them? Might the police have forbidden the press to mention the calls, while they hunted the caller? Let them hunt. If they’d known where to find Horridge they would have arrested him by now. The listing of his name made him feel indefinably vulnerable.
Craig’s refusal to betray himself to witnesses frustrated him. He couldn’t call again, in case the police had tapped Craig’s phone. He must find another way to speed things up. Suppose they traced him somehow before Craig broke!
With the razor he cut out all the photographs of the victims from the newspapers. The photographs were too flimsy; they might be overlooked. On the kitchen windowsill he found an old tube of glue, curled up like a grub. He mounted the photographs on pieces of cardboard. That night he dreamed that he was playing in the quarry.
The Face That Must Die Page 7