I rise in the morning; eat three meals; and walk; and work a little, read a little, write; see some uninteresting people; go to bed.
Next day, I rise in the morning; eat three meals; and walk; and work a little, read a little, write; see some uninteresting people; go to bed.
Again I rise in the morning; eat three meals; and walk; and work a little, read a little, write; see some uninteresting people; go to bed.
Truly an exalted, soulful life!
What it does for me, how it affects me, I am now trying to portray.
January 14
I have in me the germs of intense life. If I could live, and if I could succeed in writing out my living, the world itself would feel the heavy intensity of it.
I have the personality, the nature, of a Napoleon, albeit a feminine translation. And therefore I do not conquer; I do not even fight. I manage only to exist.
- Poor little Mary MacLane, - what might you not be? What wonderful thing might you not do? But held down, half-buried, a seed fallen in barren ground, alone, uncomprehended, obscure - poor little Mary MacLane! - Weep, world, - why don’t you - for poor little Mary MacLane.
Had I been born a man I would by now have made a deep impression of myself on the world - on some part of it. But I am a woman, and God, or the Devil, or Fate, or whosoever it was, has flayed me of the thick outer skin and thrown me out into the midst of Life - has left me a lonely damned thing filled with the red, red blood of ambition and desire, but afraid to be touched, for there is no thick skin between my sensitive flesh and the world’s fingers.
But I want to be touched.
Napoleon was a man and though sensitive his flesh was safely covered.
But I am a woman, awakening, and upon awakening and looking about me, I would fain turn and go back to sleep.
There is a pain that goes with these things when one is a woman, young and all alone.
- I am filled with an ambition. I wish to give to the world a naked Portrayal of Mary MacLane: her wooden heart, her good young woman’s-body, her mind, her soul.
I wish to write, write, write!
I wish to acquire that beautiful benign gentle satisfying thing - Fame. I want it - oh, I want it! I wish to leave all my obscurity, my misery, - my weary unhappiness behind me forever.
I am deadly, deadly tired of my unhappiness.
I wish this Portrayal to be published and launched into that deep salt sea - the world. There are some there surely who will understand it and me.
Can I be that thing which I am - can I be possessed of a peculiar rare genius, and yet drag my life out in obscurity in this uncouth warped Montana town!
It must be impossible! If I thought the world contained nothing more than that for me - oh, what should I do! Would I make an end of my dreary little life now? I fear I would. I am a philosopher - and a coward. And it were infinitely better to die now in the high-beating pulses of youth than to drag on, year after year, year after year, and find oneself at last a stagnant old woman, spiritless, hopeless, with a declining body, a declining mind, - and nothing to look back on except the visions of things that might have been - and the weariness.
I see the picture. I see it plainly. Oh, kind Devil, deliver me from it!
Surely there must be in a world of manifold beautiful things something among them for me.
And always while I am still young, there is that dim light, the Future. But it is indeed a dim, dim light, and ofttimes there’s a treachery in it.
January 15
So then yes. I find myself at this stage of womankind and nineteen years, a genius, a thief, a liar - a general moral vagabond, a fool more or less, and a philosopher of the peripatetic school. Also I find that even this combination can not make one happy. It serves, however, to occupy my versatile mind, to keep me wondering what it is a kind Devil has in store for me.
A philosopher of my own peripatetic school - hour after hour I walk over the desolate sand and dreariness among tiny hills and gulches on the outskirts of this mining town; in the morning, in the long afternoon, in the cool of the night. And hour after hour, as I walk, through my brain some long, long pageants march: the pageant of my fancies, the pageant of my unparalleled egotism, the pageant of my unhappiness, the pageant of my minute analyzing, the pageant of my peculiar philosophy, the pageant of my dull, dull life, - and the pageant of the Possibilities.
We three go out on the sand and barrenness: my wooden heart, my good young woman’s-body, my soul. We go there and contemplate the long sandy wastes, the red, red line on the sky at the setting of the sun, the cold gloomy mountains under it, the ground without a weed, without a grass-blade even in their season - for they have years ago been killed off by the sulphur smoke from the smelters.
So this sand and barrenness forms the setting for the personality of me.
January 16
I feel about forty years old.
Yet I know my feeling is not the feeling of forty years. These are the feelings of miserable, wretched youth.
Every day the atmosphere of a house becomes unbearable, so every day I go out to the sand and the barrenness. It is not cold, neither is it mild. It is gloomy.
I sit for two hours on the ground by the side of a pitiably small narrow stream of water. It is not even a natural stream. I dare say it comes from some mine among the hills. But it is well enough that the stream is not natural - when you consider the sand and barrenness. It is singularly appropriate.
And I am singularly appropriate to all of them. It is good, after all, to be appropriate to something - to be in touch with something, even sand and barrenness.
The sand and barrenness is old - oh, very old. You think of this when you look at it.
What should I do if the earth were made of wood, with a paper sky!
I feel about forty years old.
And again I say I know my feeling is not the feeling of forty years. These are the feelings of miserable, wretched youth.
Still more pitiable than the sand and barrenness and the poor unnatural stream is the dry, warped cemetery where the dry, warped people of Butte bury their dead friends. It is a source of satisfaction to me to walk down to this cemetery, and contemplate it, and revel in its utter pitiableness.
“It is more pitiable than I and my sand and barrenness and my poor unnatural stream,” I say over and over, and take my comfort.
Its condition is more forlorn than that of a woman young and alone. It is unkempt. It is choked with dust and stones. The few scattered blades of grass look rather ashamed to be seen growing there. A great many of the headstones are of wood and are in a shameful state of decay. Those that are of stone are still more shameful in their hard brightness.
The dry, warped friends of the dry, warped people of Butte are buried in this dusty dreary wind-havocked waste. They are left here and forgotten.
The Devil must rejoice in this graveyard.
And I rejoice with the Devil.
It is something for me to contemplate that is more pitiable than I and my sand and barrenness and my unnatural stream.
I rejoice with the Devil.
The inhabitants of this cemetery are forgotten. I have watched once the burying of a young child. Every day for a fortnight afterward I came back, and I saw the mother of the child there. She came and stood by the small new grave. After a few days more she stopped coming.
I knew the woman and went to her house to see her. She was beginning to forget the child. She was beginning to take up again the thread of her life where she had let it go. The thread of her life is involved in the divorces and fights of her neighbors.
Out in the warped graveyard her child is forgotten. And presently the wooden head-stone will begin to decay. But the worms will not forget their part. They have eaten the small body by now, and enjoyed it. Always worms en
joy a body to eat.
And also the Devil rejoiced.
And I rejoiced with the Devil.
They are more pitiable, I insist, than I and my sand and barrenness - the mother whose life is involved in divorces and fights, and the worms eating at the child’s body, and the wooden headstone which will presently decay.
And so the Devil and I rejoice.
But no matter how ferociously pitiable is the dried-up graveyard, the sand and barrenness and the sluggish little stream have their own persistent individual damnation. The world is at least so constructed that its treasures may be damned each in a different manner and degree.
I feel about forty years old.
And I know my feeling is not the feeling of forty years. They do not feel any of these things at forty. At forty the fire has long since burned out. When I am forty I shall look back to myself and my feelings at nineteen - and I shall smile.
Or shall I indeed smile?
January 17
As I have said, I want Fame. I want to write - to write such things as compel the admiring acclamations of the world at large; such things as are written but once in years, things subtly but distinctly different from the books written every day.
I can do this.
Let me but make a beginning, let me but strike the world in a vulnerable spot, and I can take it by storm. Let me but win my spurs, and then you will see me - of womankind and young - valiantly astride a charger riding down the world, with Fame following at the charger’s heels, and the multitudes agape.
But oh, more than all this I want to be happy!
Fame is indeed benign and gentle and satisfying. But Happiness is something at once tender and brilliant beyond all things.
I want Fame more than I can tell.
But more than Fame I want Happiness. I have never been happy in my weary young life.
Think, oh think of being happy for a year - for a day! How brilliantly blue the sky would be; how swiftly and joyously would the green rivers run; how madly, merrily triumphant the four winds of heaven would sweep round the corners of the fair earth!
What would I not give for one day, one hour, of that charmed thing Happiness! What would I not give up?
How we eager fools tread on each other’s heels, and tear each other’s hair, and scratch each other’s faces, in our furious gallop after Happiness. For some it is embodied in Fame, for some in Money, for some in Power, for some in Virtue - and for me in something very much like love.
None of the other fools desires Happiness as I desire it. For one single hour of Happiness I would give up at once these things: Fame, and Money, and Power, and Virtue, and Honor, and Righteousness, and Truth, and Logic, and Philosophy, and Genius. The while I would say, What a little, little price to pay for dear Happiness.
I am ready and waiting to give all that I have to the Devil in exchange for Happiness. I have been tortured so long with the dull, dull misery of Nothingness - all my nineteen years. I want to be happy - oh, I want to be happy -
The Devil has not yet come. But I know that he usually comes, and I await him eagerly.
I am fortunate that I am not one of those burdened with an innate sense of virtue and honor which must come always before Happiness. They are but few who find their Happiness in their Virtue. The rest of them must be content to see it walk away. But with me virtue and honor are nothing.
I long unspeakably for Happiness.
And so I await the Devil’s coming.
January 18
And meanwhile - as I wait - my mind occupies itself with its own good odd philosophy, so that even the Nothingness becomes almost endurable.
The Devil has given me some good things - for I find that the Devil owns and rules the earth and all that therein is. He has given me, among other things - my admirable young woman’s body, which I enjoy thoroughly and of which I am passionately fond.
A spasm of pleasure seizes me when I think in some acute moment of the buoyant health and vitality of this fine young body that is feminine in every fiber.
You may gaze at and admire the picture in the front of this book. It is the picture of a genius - a genius with a good strong young-woman’s body, - and inside the pictured body is a liver, a MacLane liver, of admirable perfectness.
Other young women and older women and men of all ages have good bodies also, I doubt not - though the masculine body is merely flesh, it seems, flesh and bones and nothing else. But few recognize the value of their bodies; few have grasped the possibilities, the artistic graceful perfection, the poetry of human flesh in its health. Few have even sense enough indeed to keep their flesh in health, or to know what health is until they have ruined some vital organ, and so banished it forever.
I have not ruined any of my vital organs, and I appreciate what health is. I have grasped the art, the poetry of my fine feminine body.
- This at the age of nineteen is a triumph for me. -
Sometime in the midst of the brightness of an October I have walked for miles in the still high air under the blue of the sky. The brightness of the day and the blue of the sky and the incomparable high air have entered into my veins and flowed with my red blood. They have penetrated into every remote nerve-center and into the marrow of my bones.
At such a time this young body glows with life.
My red blood flows swiftly and joyously - in the midst of the brightness of October.
My sound sensitive liver rests gently with its thin yellow bile in sweet content.
My calm beautiful stomach silently sings as I walk a song of peace, the while it hugs within itself the chyme that was my lunch.
My lungs, saturated with mountain ozone and the perfume of the pines, expand in continuous ecstasy.
My heart beats like the music of Schumann, in easy graceful rhythm with an undertone of power.
My very intestine even basks contentedly in its place like a snake in the hot dust, vibrating with conscious life.
My strong and sensitive nerves are reeking and swimming in sensuality like drunken little Bacchantes, gay and garlanded in mad revelling.
The entire wonderful graceful mechanism of my woman’s-body has fallen at the time - like the wonderful graceful mechanism of my woman’s-mind - under the enchanting spell of a day in October.
“It is good,” I think to myself, “oh, it is good to be alive! It is wondrously good to be a woman young in the fullness of nineteen springs. It is unutterably lovely to be a healthy young animal living on this charmed earth.”
After I have walked for several hours I reach a region where the sulphur smoke has not penetrated, and I sit on the ground with drawn-up knees and rest as the shadows lengthen. The shadows lengthen early in October.
Presently I lie flat on my back and stretch my lithe slimness to its utmost like a mountain lioness taking her comfort. I am intensely thankful to the Devil for my two good legs and the full use of them under a short skirt, when, as now, they carry me out beyond the pale of civilization away from tiresome dull people. There is nothing in the world that can become so maddeningly wearisome as people, people, people!
- And so Devil, accept, for my two good legs, my sincerest gratitude. -
I lie on the ground for some minutes and meditate idly. There is a worldful of easy indolent beautiful sensuality in the figure of a young woman lying on the ground under a warm setting sun. A man may lie on the ground - but that is as far as it goes. A man would go to sleep, probably, like a dog or a pig. He would even snore, perhaps - under the setting sun. But then, a man has not a good young feminine body to feel with, to receive into itself the spirit of a warm sun at its setting, on a day in October. - And so let us forgive him for sleeping, and for snoring.
When I again rise to a sitting posture all the brightness has focused itself to the west. It casts a yellow glamor over t
he earth, a glamor not of joy, nor of pleasure, nor of happiness - but of peace.
The young poplar trees smile gently in the deathly still air. The sage brush and the tall grass take on a radiant quietness. The high hills of Montana, near and distant, appear tender and benign. All is peace - peace. I think of that beautiful old song -
Sweet vale of Avoca! how calm could I rest
In thy bosom of shade -.
But I am too young yet to think of peace. It is not peace that I want. Peace is for forty and fifty. I am waiting for my Experience.
I am awaiting the coming of the Devil.
And now, just before twilight, after the sun has vanished over the edge, is the red, red line on the sky.
There will be days wild and stormy, filled with rain and wind and hail; and yet nearly always at the sun’s setting there will be calm - and the red line of sky.
There is nothing in the world quite like this red sky at sunset. It is Glory, Triumph, Love, Fame!
Imagine a life bereft of things, and fingers pointed at it, and eyebrows raised; tossed and bandied hither and yon; crushed, beaten, bled, rent asunder, outraged, convulsed with pain; and then, into this life while still young, the red, red line of sky!
- Why did I cry out against Fate, says the line; why did I rebel against my term of anguish! I now rather rejoice at it; now in my Happiness I remember it only with deep pleasure. -
Think of that wonderful, most admirable, matchless man of steel, Napoleon Bonaparte. He threw himself heavily on the world, and the world has never since been the same. He hated himself, and the world, and God, and Fate, and the Devil. His hatred was his term of anguish.
Then the sun threw on the sky for him a red, red line - the red line of triumph, glory, fame!
And afterward there was the blackness of Night, the blackness that is not tender, not gentle.
But black as our Night may be, nothing can take from us the memory of the red, red sky. “Memory is possession,” and so the red sky we have with us always.
Oh Devil, Fate, World - Someone, bring me my red sky! For a little, brief time and I will be satisfied. Bring it to me intensely red, intensely full, intensely alive! Short as you will, but red, red, red!
I Await the Devil's Coming - Unexpurgated and Annotated Page 2