“Still hurts.”
“As it does to everyone else when you’re being…well, you.”
“Thanks,” Jezden said sadly. “That helps. I feel much better now. Glad you’re here.”
“What does it matter about the damned tail anyway? It’s not even real.”
“I know it’s not real, but everyone on this stupid planet thinks it is.”
“So?”
“So they’re not looking past it,” he said with his hands up. “I mean, I’m an exceptionally good-looking guy, you know?”
“You’re certainly always the first to point that out, so there must be something to it.”
“Right?” he said as if trying to convince her. “Seriously, look at me. I’m really good looking.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Ridly said, having a difficult time thinking otherwise. He was ridiculously attractive…on the outside.
“But nobody seems to care about that,” he said, slumping again. “They just look at my tail—my one flaw—and they don’t even give the real me a chance.”
“To be fair,” Ridly said as compassionately as she could manage, “the real you is a total asshole, Jezden.”
“Again, thanks for the support.”
“Look, I’m sorry, but it’s true. You were programmed to be a chauvinistic weasel whose only purpose is to get laid. I have no idea why you were made that way, but you were.”
“And I can’t help how I was made, can I?”
“No,” she admitted, “I suppose not.”
“Yet you all judge me for it constantly. Do I judge you for being made smart, confident, and pretty?”
She jerked her head toward him. “You think I’m pretty?”
“The point,” he continued, ignoring her question, “is that I don’t pick on you because you’re brainy.”
“Actually, you do it all the time.”
Again, he ignored her response. “I just don’t understand how anyone could discard a person just because of the length of their tail.”
“Fine,” she said as she flipped open her datapad, “let’s find out.” She hooked into the Kallian version of the Internet and began her search. “Okay, it says here that the length of a Kallian’s tail has been shown as a direct connection to how well they perform in both the bedroom and the conference room. A longer tail signifies virility and power. All high-ranking officials have longer tails. Low-level workers tend to have short tails. Middle management…”
“Medium-sized tails,” Jezden interrupted. “Right, I get it. I’m not that dumb.”
There was more detail regarding the tail situation, but she didn’t think he’d care, so she shut down the pad. “Bottom line is that you just screwed yourself by demanding a smaller tail.”
“Obviously.”
“But who cares, Jezden?” she said. “Soon enough we’ll be off this planet and you’ll be the talk of the town again.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“Now,” she said as she stared longingly at the stack of books that were calling to her, “can we get back to the part where you said I was pretty?”
SPY BLOCK
Why didn’t you bug the bathroom, Ewups?”
“Uh,” Ewups said with a look of disgust, “because it would be gross, sir.”
“I guess it would, at that.”
Private Deddles walked in the main door, having returned from his trip to the lab. He’d been gone for the better part of an hour. Why it took him so long to refashion some simple wires, Struggins couldn’t say, other than noting that the boy was about as useful as a pair of cloth combat boots.
“You got the wires fixed, Deddles?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Good. That should surprise those ‘inspectors,’” he said, making air quotes with his fingers.
“I thought they weren’t really inspectors, sir?” Deddles replied.
“They’re not. That’s why I used air quotes, Private.”
Deddles appeared confused.
Kids these days, thought Struggins with a shake of his head as he walked over to the window that overlooked the lab.
He blamed the media more than anything else. They were the ones pushing television and video games at the younger generation. It had gotten to the point where there just wasn’t any creativity anymore. All the damn kids ever did was to stare at a box that hypnotized them and sold them on the sugary-snacks-and-fizzy-drinks diet. Granted, he liked to have a beer now and then, and he wasn’t quite as tight around the middle as he was in his youth, but for a man approaching 75, he was pretty damn fit. The youth of today, though, were overweight, easily bored, lacking in creative pursuits, and they’d lost that respect for elders that he’d learned growing up. To prove his point, he had three obnoxious grandchildren who fit that mold perfectly.
Now, Deddles wasn’t overweight and he probably wasn’t much at video games either, except maybe for Dot and Paddles—a game that even monkeys were able to master without much fuss. But Deddles just didn’t get it. Hardly any of them did. At least not like the recruits when Struggins was young.
That thought dropped him into a memory of his first day at Camp Klikmore. Everyone on the bus heading to camp was nervous, but in a good way. It was a glorious day for them all. They were going to be a part of something. To serve. To fight. To kill, if needed, yes, but only soldiers who were on the other side, and that was okay because those soldiers were trying to kill you back.
He’d never forget rushing off that bus as Drill Sergeant Lorgen screamed at them like they were vermin. Lorgen had been simultaneously the most hated and revered man of Struggins’ illustrious military career. During his entire stay at Camp Klikmore, Lorgen berated him, yelled at him, made him do push-ups, sit-ups, and laps. He had him peel potatoes, tear down and clean weapons, and scrub latrines. Never once did he treat Struggins or any of the recruits with kid gloves. They were in the military and that meant something. The only nice thing Lorgen had ever said to him was on the day of graduation, and it was, “You’re graduating from ‘shit on a shoe’ to ‘piss on the rim of the can’, Struggins. If you make beyond that, I’ll be amazed.” Struggins smiled at the memory of that statement. It wasn’t much, but those were the most powerful words that he’d ever heard.
Lorgen was a 20-Star General now. Shit on the shoe for him these days was most likely self-inflicted. Struggins had seen him often at command headquarters downtown, but he never said anything to his former drill instructor. Mostly because he was afraid that Lorgen might recognize him and make him do 100 push-ups. More so, though, because he was afraid that Lorgen may no longer have the faculties to be that larger-than-life figure he had been when Struggins stepped off that bus in Camp Klikmore.
“Sir,” Ewups announced, jolting Struggins from his thoughts.
“Hmmm?”
“Dr. Welder is exiting the bathroom.”
“It’s about damn time.”
THE NIGHTIE
Harr had fully intended to be businesslike about this ordeal, but sometimes intentions got clouded when facing a woman who was wearing a nightie. Well, to be more accurate, Dr. DeKella was wearing almost nothing at all. The nightie concept was a little bit of lace over her hands, feet, and ears, which was obviously what Kallians considered to be lingerie. To Harr, what he was seeing was a well-developed feminine form in the nude, and she had all the bells and whistles.
The concept of sticking to business was getting…harder.
But he fought his primal urges, took a deep breath, focused his mind, and said, “Glug.”
“I take it you like what you see?” she said while batting her eyelashes.
“Umbah,” he replied stoically.
“I’m hoping that at least negligees are the same where you’re from, yes?”
He nodded dumbly. They weren’t at all like what he was seeing, but the brain in charge of him at the moment was the one housed snuggly in his trousers, and it knew only one mode of logic: agree with whatever the naked girl is telling you.
SPY INTEREST
What the hell do you mean you didn’t put cameras in her apartment?” General Struggins shrieked.
“Yeah,” agreed Private Deddles with equal ferocity.
“That would be spying, sir,” Ewups offered in poor defense.
“What the hell do you think the bugs are for, Ewups?”
“Good point, sir.”
“Damn it!” said Deddles while kicking one of the desk legs.
“Settle down, Deddles,” Struggins warned, though he couldn’t blame the private for his outburst in this instance. “Any chance we can rig one of the cameras from the W.A.R.P.E.D. building exterior to peek into her window?”
“Honestly, sir?”
Struggins grimaced and then kicked the same desk leg that Deddles had kicked. “Damn it.”
COME WITH ME
Are you just going to stand there, Dr. Welder?” she said as her breasts swayed in hypnotic fashion.
He had to fight this. First of all, he had absolutely zero idea how to please a Kallian woman. He barely knew how to please a Segnalian one.
Apparently, this thought triggered the ocular device that Geezer had outfitted him with, because two seconds later, there was a three-dimensional representation of all of her sensual parts highlighted in his visual field. That could prove useful, assuming he could get himself interested in the various items listed, which included preening her ear hair, nibbling on the fleshy spot between her forefinger and thumb, and making whooping noises while he jumped around and clapped. Thinking about these things gave his top-side brain just enough of an edge to regain control of the situation. Another glance at her breasts, though, started an internal tug-o-war.
He had to act fast.
“Listen,” he said, tearing his eyes away, “I know this is going to sound really odd, but would you join me in the bathroom?”
The silence was such that Harr had to look at her again to make sure that she was still breathing. Her mouth hung open and the look on her face was a mixture of shock, fear, and disappointment. He replayed his last sentence over in his head and concluded that he would have given her the same look had their roles been reversed. Then again, if he had breasts like that, he’d probably just stand in front of a full-length mirror all day while admiring himself.
“I’m sorry,” DeKella replied, “did you just ask me to go into the bathroom with you?”
“I know that sounds really…odd, but believe me, it’ll be worth it.”
“I don’t know, Zep,” she said. “I’m not really into that kinky stuff. I mean, I thought that your interest in breasts was weird enough, but this is a little much.” Somewhat thankfully, she grabbed her robe and slid it on, which allowed Harr’s main brain to secure a solid foothold. “I like you, Zep. I really do.” She crossed her arms and shook her head. “This is just too weird for me.”
“I really need you to trust me on this, Rella,” he said gently. “I promise that it’s not what you think. Honestly.” She seemed to be weighing things. “If you feel uncomfortable at all, once we’re in there, you can leave and that will be that.”
She stared at him for a few more moments before dropping her hands. “Okay, Zep,” she said, “I’ll trust you. But you have to promise to take things slow.”
“I promise.”
“And if I say, ‘Wacky wacky wham!’ at any time, you have to stop whatever it is we’re doing.”
It was Harr’s turn to give the “Huh?” look. “What does ‘Wacky wacky wham!’ mean?”
“That’s my safe-word.”
“It’s more like three words.”
“Actually,” she mused, “you’re right. Never thought of that. Anyway, are we agreed?”
“We are.”
“Well, then,” DeKella said with an audible gulp, “let’s go into the bathroom.”
SPY DISINTEREST
Good call on not installing cameras, Ewups,” Struggins said with a shudder. “I really don’t want to see whatever is about to happen next.”
“No, sir.”
“Wherever this guy is really from, they obviously have some pretty strange mating rituals.” Struggins had a couple of skeletons in his closet, of course—everyone did—but nothing like what this “inspector” was up to. “I just don’t understand people these days,” he said. “When I was young, we did the normal things like hand-nibbling, ear-hair preening, and yelling ‘whoop’ while jumping around and clapping our hands.”
Deddles obviously saw this as a chance to offer his two cents, much to the chagrin of both Struggins and Ewups. “There are movies out these days where the men like legs and the women like biceps.”
“That’s disgusting,” Ewups said.
“Keep your dirty movies to yourself, Private. Nobody wants to hear about your moronic perversions.”
“They’re not mine, sir! I was just…”
“Too late to back out now, Deddles,” Struggins said. “Bad enough that a man spouts out obscene images like that, but then not to own up to his own personal interests? Well, that’s just unforgivable.”
“But I don’t like that stuff, sir. I was just…”
“I think you’ve said enough, Deddles,” Struggins cut him off. “And I sure hope you washed your hands before bringing our food earlier.”
Private Deddles just sat down and groaned.
SPILLING THE BEANS
Okay,” DeKella said, “just tell me when I can open my eyes.”
“You didn’t have to close them in the first place,” Harr replied. She opened them as he shut the door. “I have to tell you something that’s not going to be easy for you to hear.”
“You mean there’s something worse than you wanting to have sex in the bathroom?”
Harr cracked his neck from side to side. “Rella, are you aware that your house is bugged?”
“Oh!” She began laughing. She reached out her hand and pressed it against Harr’s shoulder for a moment. “So that’s what this is about?”
“Partially.”
“Zep,” she said as she wiped her eyes, “I try to keep things clean, but they show up anyway. I think it’s the neighbors downstairs. Those people are slobs. The exterminator comes out once a month, but …”
“Sorry, Rella, I’m not talking about insects. I’m talking about surveillance bugs.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Listening devices,” he explained. “They’re all over your house.”
Dr. DeKella appeared more confused now than when Harr had asked her to join him in the bathroom. This, in turn, confused Harr.
“What are you talking about, Zep?”
“You really don’t know, do you?” She shook her head in response. “Rella, you said that the military was highly interested in this warp technology, right?”
“Of course.”
“And do you know what that means?”
“That they want to use the technology?” she asked as if he were stupid.
“It means that they’re going to make sure everything goes according to plan,” he stated, “and that means that they’re going to spy on everyone involved in the program.”
“Spying?” she said as if she had just been slapped. “That’s ridiculous. People don’t spy on people here on Kallian.”
“I’m afraid they do, Rella,” Harr replied.
By now she had crossed her arms again. At any moment he was afraid she’d say, “Wacky wacky wham!” and leave the room. Fortunately, she again gave him the benefit of the doubt and said, “Where’s your proof, Zep?”
Harr showed her the armband, first pointing out its capabilities by giving her the updated location of the ant that was now climbing along the side of her clothes’ hamper, and the termites that had clearly been happy enough in their original location. Once he swept the bathroom for listening devices, showing none, the result of the outer room search was most impactful.
“I can’t believe it,” she said as she removed the pieces of lingerie from her ears, hands, and feet
, “those bastards have no right to spy on me.”
“No, they don’t,” Harr agreed, “but you’re the head of the very project that they desperately want to see succeed, and so they’re doing what they can to make sure nothing stands in their way. It’s how the military operates.”
“You seem to know a lot about how the military works, ‘Dr. Welder.’”
He took a deep breath. Here is where things were really going to get interesting. She’d either believe him or throw him out. At least he had already shown that the military was spying on her, which would serve to give him some credibility.
“My name is not Zep Welder,” he admitted, “and I’m not an inspector. Hell, I’m not even a doctor.”
“Son of a bitch,” she said, reaching for the door.
“Please hear me out,” he pleaded. “I’ve already shown you that you’re being spied on. And I didn’t have to tell you that.” She paused but didn’t look back. “What’s the worst that can happen? You listen and that’s it. If you don’t believe me, then turn me in and let me suffer the consequences.” She let go of the doorknob. “I know this is all overwhelming, but I can assure you it’s about to get worse.”
“I’m not sure how it can,” she said without looking back.
“I’m not from your planet.”
Her shoulders visibly slumped. She slowly turned around to face him. Her gaze wasn’t exactly one that was angry, but it wasn’t jolly either.
“I really should have listened to my mother,” she said with a shake of her head. “My soon-to-be ex-husband was a self-involved jerk, but at least he wasn’t crazy. Every date I go on just proves time and time again that my ex wasn’t as bad as I’d thought.”
Harr struggled through. “I know this makes me sound like a lunatic, but I honestly am from another planet, and I can prove it.”
“I have an idea,” she said in an over-the-top way, “how about I call the friendly people who drive the little white vans around? When they come to pick you up and give you some pretty pills, you can tell them all about your space adventure. I’m sure you’ll be a hit down at the happy farm.”
Platoon F: Quadology: Missions 6, 7, 8, and 9 (Platoon F eBook Bundle 2) Page 16