The camera changed from the reporter to the scene of Struggins being dragged away by military police.
“I’m innocent, you fools!” he yelled as they pulled him toward an authority vehicle. “It was all a setup. Those weren’t even the real inspectors. They did it! They did it!”
Melia Mekub returned to the screen. “General Struggins was also found to be carrying what appears to be a remote detonator in his coat pocket, though no bombs have been located as of yet.”
Harr laughed out loud at that. Geezer was going to love the coincidence there.
“He’d placed bombs?” DeKella said, her mouth agape.
“No,” Harr corrected, “Vool did.”
“Oh.”
“We knew she’d be up to no good, so we monitored her every move. As soon as she placed them, I had Ridly and Jezden…”
“Who?”
“Sorry, you know them as Drs. Baloo and Impotent.”
“Ah, right.”
“Well, they went in after and disarmed the explosives. Easy three-wire combination. You know, red, yellow, and green.”
“Yes,” she said with a nod, “it’s on all the shows here. So you cut the yellow one?”
“No,” Harr said, frowning. “We cut the red one. The yellow one just starts a thirty-minute timer.”
“Really?”
“I thought everyone knew that, but after Struggins said that he’d pieced back the red wires that we’d cut, I had a feeling that something was amiss.”
“Apparently we have different television shows.”
A field reporter was on the screen next. He was asking questions to a young soldier who kept looking at the camera and smiling. Behind them was another, heavy-set soldier who was waving and saying, “Hi, Mom!” a lot.
“I’m here with Private Elderbung Deddles, the personal aide to General Struggins. Private Deddles, what can you tell us of the General’s personality?”
“Well, sir,” Deddles answered, “I’ve always thought that General Struggins was a bit strange, but I never would have imagined he’d do something like this. Of course, he was fond of saying that soldiers had to do what soldiers had to do in order for the military to advance, even if that meant bending the rules.”
“You said that you felt he was strange, Private. How so?”
“I probably shouldn’t say, but rumor has it that he likes to go camping in the middle of the winter, get naked, and dance around while singing show tunes.”
Rella turned down the television and they both just sat there for a few minutes in awe.
“I have no idea how you managed to frame Struggins for all of this,” she said in amazement, “but you’ve basically saved my career…not to mention my planet.”
Harr grinned as the image of a proud robot filled his mind. “Just lucky, I guess.”
“What I don’t understand is how you blocked the Stewnathium Particles without that Claythom Pole?”
“As to that,” Harr said with a laugh, “do you recall our short-tailed Dr. Impotent?”
DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
I don’t want to talk about it,” Jezden said with his arms crossed.
“You should have seen him,” Ridly continued without regard to his wishes. “It was quite impressive, truth be told. Actually, I’d even go as far as to say it was somewhat of a turn-on.”
“Seriously?” Jezden said with a look of sudden interest.
“No, not seriously.” She laughed, recalling the image of him blocking the Stewnathium Particles with his monstrous manhood. “You looked ridiculous!”
“Ugh. Can we just let this go, please? I mean, what I did saved billions of lives, right?”
“Yes, but I think we can all agree that with your lack of relations over the past two days, you would have stuck that thing in any opening that presented itself.”
GOODBYES
Harr and DeKella had one final fling before he put his uniform back on and readied himself to return to duty.
“I hate to leave,” he said, “but I really need to get back to my ship.”
“Will I see you again?”
“I’ll make it a point to stop by Kallian as often as possible.”
“Talk about a long-distance relationship,” she said with a sad smile.
“True.”
“It’s a shame. For someone who has no clue about our sexual function, you were the best lover I’ve ever had.”
“Honestly,” Harr said with a shrug, “I think it’s just that you guys are too limited in what you find appealing. All I did was bring the ruckus to you in the same way that Segnalians do it. We like things such as breasts and legs. Frankly, I’m not even considered very good at this sort of thing on my planet.”
She gaped at him. “You’ve just made a great point. I could show your techniques to the world. It’ll be a sexual revolution. I’ll make millions!”
Harr was both happy and sad about this revelation. On the one hand, he would be considered the man who brought a new level of sexual satisfaction to the world of Kallian; on the other hand, he would soon be relegated to being a below-average lover on yet another planet.
“But what about your science?” he asked.
She folded her hands together and looked down at them before releasing what appeared to be a defeated sigh.
“I guess now’s as good a time as any to confess something to you,” she said solemnly.
“Uh oh.”
“Let me put it this way: You guys showed up at precisely the right time.”
“We did?”
“Yeah.” She laughed in a not-so-funny way. “Truth is that I have no idea what would have happened had those Stewnathium Particles made it through.”
“What?”
“I had my guesses, sure, and my mathematical model was pretty solid, but I can’t help but think that it would have failed horribly anyway.” She shrugged. “That’s one mystery I’m glad will never be solved. At least not in my lifetime.”
“Amazing.”
VELI IS LIKABLE
They killed her, Frexle,” Veli said with a sense of distress, “and she’d never even gotten me the details on their technology. Stupid bitch.”
“Yes, Lord Overseer, which only serves to prove that they are worthy to work for us, and Vool was clearly not.”
Veli tapped on his desk a few times. “I have to admit that you have a valid argument there.”
“Thank you, my lord.”
“And you say that our people are happy with this lack-of-violence outcome?”
“Your support among the populace has improved by nearly fifteen percent. That is quite significant, my lord.”
“So you’re saying that…well…they like me?”
“Fifteen percent more of them do than they did yesterday, my lord,” Frexle affirmed. “Now, I’m sure that the numbers may have received a one- to two-percent bump due to the posters that Senators Pookand, Calloom, and Kleeve put together.” Then, recalling the news report he’d seen moments before entering the Lord Overseer’s office, he added, “May they rest in peace.”
“Fifteen percent, eh?” Veli said, clearly not caring about the assassinations of three of his cabinet members. “That’s something, at least.”
“I’d argue that it’s excellent, sir.”
“This being the case,” said Veli in a tone of declaration, “I command that we keep this Platoon F crew of yours around for a little while longer. Maybe they can help bump my popularity up even more in the coming year.”
“Excellent, my lord.”
“I’ll just need to find some other means of sating my bloodlust, and the bloodlust of all of our DeathToAllCompetitors political party.”
“I’m certain you’ll find a way, my lord. You are rather clever, after all.”
“And likable,” Veli stated. “Let’s not forget likable.”
“Yes, that too.”
DEBRIEFING
The Reluctant arrived at the Overseers’ base without a fuss. Harr had ins
tructed the crew to keep the transporter device under wraps for now. He didn’t want the Overseers finding any new concerns toward keeping Platoon F around. Geezer had said that he’d contacted Goozer to share how he’d managed to get the device working. Harr thought it was great that the two engineers stayed in contact. It had proved beneficial more than once.
Frexle was on board, again sitting in Harr’s chair. The man seemed rather pleased indeed. Harr assumed that the death of Vool was a big contributor to his mood.
“You are just as resourceful a crew as I had imagined,” Frexle stated. “More so, if I were being truthful.”
“Thank you, sir,” Sandoo said with a salute.
“What’s with the hand-on-the-head thing?”
“Just a salute, sir. A means of respect.”
“I like that, Commander,” Frexle said with a satisfied smile. “Keep doing it.”
“Yes, sir,” Sandoo said, saluting again. Harr knew that the commander loved protocol.
“They are a top-notch bunch,” Harr said. “That’s for sure.”
“Especially your man who had the willingness to put his junk in the way of progress. I daresay you saved an entire world with your pecker, young man.”
“Yeah, right,” Jezden said with a grunt.
“And you all managed to kill Vool, too.” Frexle clapped heartily. “Hell, that alone would have made this crew heroes in my book. Who knew that you humans could be so powerful? You seem very fleshy and pointless—no offense.”
“We’re not all human,” Geezer stated through the speaker.
“Ah, yes, my apologies. How could I forget your robotic mastermind? If only there were more like him.”
“We’re not human either,” said Ridly.
“Pardon?”
“We’re androidth,” Moon added.
“Androidth?”
“Androids, sir,” Sandoo clarified.
Frexle jumped out of his chair and walked up to Harr, looking him over in a studious way.
“Amazing,” he said after a time. “I mean, I should have known. That superhero look alone…”
“I’m human,” Harr said with a grimace.
“But…”
“The rest of us are androids, sir,” Sandoo said.
“So that’s why you were all able to perform so well during boot camp,” Frexle said while appraising Sandoo. “It also explains why Harr, here, didn’t do as well. He couldn’t keep up. Makes one wonder why he’s in charge.”
“Because he’s the only one who can think outside of the box, sir,” Sandoo answered. “We aren’t quite as capable of doing that, but we are told that we are learning, sir.”
“Interesting,” Frexle said as he studied them all again. “Androids. Amazing. You know, I think that we should keep that bit of information between us. It may prove dangerous should any of the other Overseers learn of this.”
Harr moved to his chair and sat down before Frexle could regain the spot. “So now what?” he asked.
“Simple,” Frexle said. “We wait for the next event to unfold. They happen pretty frequently. There’s always someone out there getting caught in the process of advancement.”
“Until then, how about letting my team get a little R and R?”
“Rest and relaxation, right?”
“Correct.”
“I’ve been trying to get your vernacular down,” Frexle said conspiratorially. “I’ve even been watching some of those Stellar Hike episodes that your engineer suggested. Amazing stuff.”
“Told ya, big cat,” said Geezer through the speaker.
“You did, indeed. It turned me on to a bunch of other shows too. One of my favorites being Dr. Huh. Clever writing in that, even if the sets are lacking.”
“Yeah, and those Phallics are amazing.”
“Agreed,” Frexle said and then gave one last look around. “Again, you all did a fantastic job.” He snapped his fingers. “By the way, what did you do with the explosives that Vool had placed?”
“Took care of it, boss,” Geezer said. “I trans…”
“Uh,” Harr interrupted loudly before Geezer could let the cat out of the bag regarding their transporter technology, “we made a stop-off somewhere deep in space on the way back and jettisoned them.”
“Yeah, right,” Geezer said quickly. “What the cap’n said.”
“I see.” Frexle held eye contact with Harr for moment. “You’re sure about this?”
“Positive, sir,” Harr stated, returning the stare.
“Somewhere deep in space?” Frexle asked skeptically.
“Right,” Harr answered after swallowing. “Somewhere deep in space.”
Frexle finally broke the connection and shrugged. “As you say, then.” Harr slowly released his breath. It was obvious that Frexle was one of those bosses who knew when to press a point and when to let it go. “Oh, before I forget, Drill Sergeant Razzin wanted me to tell you that he still thinks you’re a waste of space and that he’s ready for a rematch any time you’re interested.”
Harr shook his head and laughed.
“Oh, and Corporal Woor said that, per regulation 5221M, if I recall correctly, you are not a waste of space, but rather a very important and respected individual.”
“Incredible,” Harr replied.
Frexle smiled and rubbed his hands together. “Until next time, then, I shall bid you adieu.”
He vanished, leaving the crew standing around in silence.
“Turned out not to be such a bad guy,” Geezer said. “At first I thought he was kind of a dumbass.”
“As you put it earlier, Geezer,” Harr said, “I’ve had worse bosses.”
“Yep.”
Harr rapped his fist on the Captain’s chair and breathed in the familiar ship air. “I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’d like to surprise a particular doctor on Kallian and have a solid week of non-stop relations with her.”
“Sounds good,” said Jezden. “Count me in.”
“Hah hah,” Harr replied dryly. “She’s not interested in small-tails, Ensign.”
“Low blow, Captain.”
“I think I’d like to hit Fantasy Planet, personally,” Ridly said.
“Me, too,” Moon agreed.
“I’m in,” Ensigns Curr and Middleton said simultaneously.
“Sounds good,” Jezden said resignedly. “Maybe I’ll set up something where Kallians like small tails.”
“Man,” Ridly said, “you’ve really got issues.”
“What about you, Commander?” Harr asked.
Sandoo seemed a bit uncomfortable at the suggestion. “I’ll probably just stay with the ship or something.”
“Everyone needs a little time away, Commander,” Harr said. “You should go to Fantasy Planet with the rest of the crew. You can request anything, you know. Heck, you could even lead a battalion or fight in a war, or whatever you want.”
“Really?”
“That’s kind of the point of the planet, Sandoo.”
“Then heck yeah, I’m in! … uh, sir.”
“Excellent. Geezer?”
“You know me, chief,” Geezer answered. “I’m tethered to the Reluctant. Besides, I’m happiest here. Bad shit always happens when I’m not on board. Fact is that when you’re all gone, that’s kind of a vacation for me.”
“All right, then,” Harr said. “Whenever you’re ready, Geezer, plot the coordinates for Fantasy Planet. We’ll drop off the crew there first and then you can take me on to Kallian.”
“Coordinates are plotted, prime.”
Captain Harr beamed as he glanced around the bridge of his ship, pointed to the main screen and said, “Press it down.”
Nothing happened.
“Sorry, honcho, but did you just say, ‘Press it down?’”
“No good?” Harr said as he shifted in his seat. “Just trying to come up with my own captain-y way of telling you to launch. With all that talk about Stellar Hike over the last couple of days, it got me thinking that all
the cool starship commanders have their own signature way of doing that. Captain Quirk from Stellar Hike always said, ‘Warp speed ahead!’ Captain Prickhard from Stellar Hike: The New Crew Aboard just motioned his hand forward and said, ‘Engage.’ I’m just trying to find my personal way of doing it.”
“Gotcha. Well, ‘press it down’ is okay, I guess. It’s a little lacking, but it’s not awful.”
“How about ‘slam it’?” suggested Jezden.
“Go forth!” Sandoo offered.
“Thmack it!” said Moon.
“Let’s scoot on outta here,” Curr said.
“Fire the engines!” Middleton chimed in.
“Move out!” Ridly added.
“Hmmm,” Geezer said after a few moments. “I suppose you could just go simple and say, ‘Hit it.’ It’s kind of what I do anyway. Well, actually, I duck under the table, reach up, and hit it, but that’s kind of lengthy.”
“Why do you duck under the table?”
“Because I still don’t trust the damn thing,” Geezer answered.
“That’s disheartening,” said Harr.
“Yep.”
“Fine,” Harr said after deciding that this time he was going to put his seatbelt on before it was necessary. Once it clicked into place, he said, “Everyone ready?”
They all nodded.
“Good.” He stared up at the screen, recognizing that even though they had a new employer, they were still the same team, and he appreciated each and every one of them. Even Jezden, but only because he had just been responsible for using his tally-whacker to save an entire planet. “Okay, Geezer?”
Platoon F: Quadology: Missions 6, 7, 8, and 9 (Platoon F eBook Bundle 2) Page 20