Moon couldn’t help but love Fantasy Planet, if for that reason alone.
“Good. Now, the thow is about to thtart. I expect perfecthion everyone. Perfecthion!”
THE MESSAGE
All in all, Grog and Vlak looked pretty decent wearing the Segnal Space Marine Corps uniforms. No, they weren’t actually part of the SSMC, but, technically, neither was anyone else on the Reluctant anymore.
Regardless of how they looked to Harr, the two cavemen did not appear pleased with their new appearance.
“That took forever,” Geezer said.
“Yeah,” Harr said. “They had lice, ticks, and other unsightly bugs. Strangely, they didn’t have crabs.”
“Real funny, pal,” Grog said.
“Just because we’re not as evolved as you,” Vlak said while crossing his arms, “doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings, ya know?”
“That why they’re hairless?”
“Because they didn’t have crabs?”
“No, chief,” Geezer replied, “because they were covered with bugs.”
“Ah, yes, that’s correct,” Harr said to Geezer. “Seems we won’t need Moon to play barber after all. The Cleaner completely eradicated that necessity.”
“We look ridiculous,” complained Grog.
“Damn straight,” Vlak agreed. “My head is cold, too. I want my hair back.”
Everyone stood silently for a few moments as Grog and Vlak continued their pouting looks. From Harr’s perspective, they’d get used to it; on the other hand, he would not have gotten used to their pre-shower smell.
“Feels lonely not having hair,” Grog said. “Of course, it could be that I’m missing the bugs.”
Harr breathed in, happy that he was only smelling vanilla. Of course that only served to remind him of the perfume that Rella wore, and that made him feel depressed again.
“Geezer,” he said, shaking himself back to life, “did you already notify Frexle that this mission was complete?”
“Yeah, honcho, he knows. Didn’t mention these two, though. Figured you wanted that kept under wraps.”
“Good thinking.”
“He’s got nothing else going on, either,” Geezer added. “Says we can do whatever. Just asked that we let him know what we decide so he can get to us, if needed.”
“As if he really needs to know where we are in order to track us down.”
“Yep.”
Harr glanced back at Grog and Vlak. “Well, let’s hook these two up to that Feeder gadget so that they can catch up on things. Don’t want to drop them off at Fantasy Planet in their current state.”
“We’re not hungry,” Grog said, “but thanks for the offer.”
“Had some berries a couple of hours ago,” said Vlak.
“Not what he means,” Geezer stated. “The Feeder will dump a lot of information regarding technology and such to you so that you can better acclimate to our more advanced way of life.”
“Oh, that’s cool,” Vlak said.
“So wait,” Grog said a moment later, “it’s like learning sticks and rocks really fast?”
“No idea what sticks and rocks is,” Geezer answered, “but it’d be like learning anything fast.”
“How long will it take, Geezer?” Harr asked, thinking that he could use the time to do some planning.
“For them?” Geezer said as he studied the two cavemen. “Probably a good couple of hours. Maybe more. They’ve got a lot to learn.”
“We’re pretty quick on the uptake,” argued Vlak.
“Yeah,” Grog said in support. “I’d bet we’ll have it down in half the time you expect.”
“I guess we’ll see,” Geezer said.
The two men sat near the back of the engineering department. They were facing away from each other as Geezer lowered a large, silver dome over their heads. He connected a few electrodes to their skulls and then pressed a button that caused cuffs to come out from the chair and lock their arms and legs in place.
“Uh …” started Grog.
“Don’t worry,” interrupted Geezer, “it’s a safety mechanism in case your brains can’t handle the Feeder.”
“Safety for us or for you?” asked Vlak.
“Exactly,” Geezer answered as he continued to fiddle with the computer panel that sat next to the Feeder. “Okay, boss, I’m going to give them the whole shebang, right?”
“As much as they can handle,” Harr said with a nod. “I don’t want them injured, obviously.”
“Thank you,” Grog said with appreciative eyes.
Geezer’s eyes glowed for a moment. “Worse case scenario is that their heads explode. Other than that, they should be fine.”
“Hmmm,” said Harr, unsure if the robot was being sarcastic or not.
“And here we go in fifty-nine, fifty-eight, fifty-seven—”
“Come on, Geezer, really?” said Harr.
“Are we in a rush, chief? A robot’s got to have some fun, you know?”
“Fine.”
Geezer continued his lengthy countdown until hitting zero. Then he pressed the GO button and nothing happened.
“Oh, shit,” Geezer said. “I forgot to connect the wires to the panel again. Was using this for another test earlier.” He clicked a couple of wires in place. “Okay, there. Should be fine now. Let’s try this again. Fifty-nine, fifty-eight—”
“Geezer!”
“Fine!”
He pressed the button and the two cavemen jolted slightly. Soon after, their eyes rolled up until only the whites could be seen. They were moaning and their faces were contorting in all sorts of shapes. Worse, their arms and legs were fighting against the cuffs that were holding them in place.
“That looks painful,” Harr said.
“They’ll be fine,” Geezer replied. “Might have a slight headache, but nothing permanent.”
“Hurts like shit,” Grog said, though it was barely discernible.
“Okay, so maybe it is a bit painful,” Geezer admitted, “but they’ll be okay.”
“You’re sure?”
“I’d stake their lives on it, chief.”
“Hmmm.” Harr noted that both of them were relaxing somewhat. Maybe it was the initial shock that caused the pain. He couldn’t say and it wasn’t likely that Geezer had any idea either. “They’re really going to learn everything in that?”
“Everything? No, big cat. But they’ll learn a lot of our technology, how things work, details about the crew and the ship, and also all of the things that have happened to us thus far.”
“I should probably hook myself up to it at some point,” Harr said as his depression regarding the break-up with Rella came back to him.
“What do you want to learn about, chief?”
“Women.”
“Sorry, honcho,” Geezer said with a strong shake of his head. “The Feeder isn’t that powerful.”
“What is?”
“Valid point.” Geezer suddenly held up his finger. “Just a second, I’ve got a message coming in.” He looked up and to the left. “This is interesting.”
“What?”
“Message from some guy named Inkblot on Fantasy Planet.”
“Inkblot?”
“Don’t know who he is, but he says that something is up with Planet Head Parfait.”
“I thought Parfait’s title was Planetary Leader,” said Harr with a purse of his lips. “Planet Head just … oh, wait, I hear it now.” Parfait certainly had an interesting mind. “Well, what’s going on?”
“Says he’s been kidnapped, prime.”
“Kidnapped?” Harr said strongly.
Obviously Parfait had been a mostly decent commanding officer when Harr had served under him in the SSMC, even if the man was over-the-top with his incessant flirting and sexual innuendos, but Harr was somewhat surprised at his own concern over the man’s well-being.
“According to this guy Inkblot,” Geezer said, “they’re going to kill him in seventy-two hours if they don’t receive the
details on how the software on Fantasy Planet works.”
“Does this Inkblot guy know how to get that information?”
“Apparently not, or he wouldn’t have contacted us for help.”
“True.” Harr wondered if the Feeder could assist him in spotting things that were obvious. “Well, we’re planning to go there anyway. Inform Frexle that we’ll be at Fantasy Planet helping out a … friend.”
“You got it, prime.”
FANTASY PLANET
Fantasy Planet was small compared to other planets. It was even small compared to a large moon. The reason for this was that it wasn’t really a planet at all. It was purported to have been designed and constructed by an individual with an intellect that superseded any in the universe. Unfortunately, there had been no documentation or identifying elements to pinpoint who, precisely, the creator was. All that was known was that it began accepting customers roughly 30 years ago.
From his position above the planet, Harr enjoyed the calming view of perfection. The design of the continents and water masses could be seen clearly against the backdrop of blackness. The planet had been placed near a sun and other authentic planetary bodies, and it did have a moon, which helped to maintain the tides as moons typically do.
“Geezer,” Harr said into the comm, “can you pinpoint where this Inkblot fellow is, please? I’m heading down to the surface.”
“Already got him tracked,” Geezer replied. “You’re not leaving these two up here, are you?”
Harr considered that for a moment. He would have preferred to have left them on the ship, but seeing that he was trying to shuffle them off to work on Fantasy Planet anyway, he decided it was best to bring them along.
“Are they recovered enough from the Feeder?”
“Seem to be okay.”
“Fine, beam all three of us down to where Inkblot is, then.”
The ship’s bridge dissolved and was replaced with the visual of a beautiful grassy field. Trees swayed slightly as a breeze picked up, cooling the warmth that the sun was imparting.
He surveyed the rest of the area, hunting for Inkblot.
“Da Ship! Da Ship!” yelled out a small humanoid who was pointing up at an incoming vessel. A group of workers ran towards the landing pad in response, signaling to Harr that the little person who had called out was in charge around here.
“You must be Inkblot,” Harr said, offering his hand in greeting.
“Captain Harr?” Inkblot replied, shaking the proffered hand with a grip that actually made Harr cringe.
“Correct.”
“Thank goodness you’re here,” the little man said while scratching his full beard. “I’ve been worried sick about Planet Head Parfait.”
“Well, I hope we can—”
Inkblot held up a finger and pointed at another incoming ship. “Just a second, have to do my job.” He cleared his throat and yelled, “Da ship! Da ship!” like he’d done before and another set of workers ran off. “Sorry. It’s in my contract to do that every time. Gets tiring on the throat, though.” He took out a lozenge and popped it into his mouth. “Anyway, you were saying?”
“Just that I hope we can be of help, little fella,” answered Harr with the best smile his broken heart could offer.
“Fella?” Inkblot said, looking up. “I’m not a fella. I’m a girl!”
“Oh?” Harr said, taking note again of the beard and the muscular forearms. “Uh … my apologies.”
“Bah … it’s okay,” Inkblot said, shaking her head. “Get it all the time, actually. Probably because I don’t wear heels. Seems pretty sexist to me that a woman has to wear heels in order to get recognized as being a woman.”
Harr glanced at the tattoo on Inkblot’s neck that read, “Mother.” He cleared his throat. “Yes, agreed. Society has apparently infected us all. Again, I apologize.”
“Is what it is, I suppose,” Inkblot replied. “Anyway, back to Parfait. I’ve done a little research on the people who kidnapped him and they’re not known for being nice.” She pulled out her datapad and tapped around on it for a few moments before turning it towards Harr. “They call themselves the Boas.”
“The Boas?”
Inkblot shrugged. “Doesn’t say why, but I think it may have to do with part of their standard outfits consisting of wearing boas.”
“That’s odd.”
“Everyone has their thing, I suppose.”
“Hmmm.”
“Anyway, they’ve … shit.”
“They’ve what?”
“No, sorry.” Inkblot pointed up at another ship. “Busiest day of the week, I’m afraid.” She looked over at another group that were all eying her. It was obvious that they knew what they were supposed to do, but Harr assumed it was in their contracts to just stand there until Inkblot had yelled her notification. “Da ship! Da ship!” She called and they all began running. She turned back to Harr. “I feel like an idiot every time. Like they can’t see the ship?”
“Sorry.”
“Not your fault. I’m the one who signed up for this.” She stopped and glanced over at Grog and Vlak. “Sorry, who are these guys?”
“Oh,” Harr said, motioning to each of them in turn. “This is Grog and this is Vlak.”
“Yo,” said Grog.
“Sup?” said Vlak.
“They’re cavemen,” Harr announced.
“Actually,” corrected Grog, “we prefer the term Early Evolutionary Humanoids.”
“That’s new,” said Harr.
“We’ve learned a few things thanks to the Feeder. Ain’t that right, Vlak?”
“Yup.”
“Right,” Harr said as he looked at Inkblot. “Well, I was kind of hoping you might have something for them to do. They’re not really part of my crew and I need to find them a home.”
“We could be part of the crew,” stated Vlak. “We understand the whole chain of command thing, the history of your home planet of Segnal—ships on rails? Seriously?” Vlak was shaking his head shamefully. “We know about the Merrymoonians—though a lot of that was redacted. We know about the Earthlings—unfortunately, not enough of that was redacted.” His face contorted at the memory. “And we know about the Overseers. Oh,” he added quickly, “we even know what happens when a giant space turtle gets too close for comfort.”
“We also know all about how the Reluctant works,” Grog chimed in. “Pedantic, really. Basic propulsion, gravity drive, time-travel, blah blah blah. Simple stuff.”
“Huh,” said Harr. He clearly had no choice but to get into that Feeder now. Running a ship while knowing that a couple of cavemen knew more about it than he did was not acceptable. “Not sure if we have the space or the need, gentlemen.”
“I’ll make a deal with you, Captain,” Inkblot said. “If you can save Mr. Parfait, I’ll find something for these two.”
Harr thought about this some more. Regardless of their oddities, Human companionship would be good to have on the Reluctant. It would have been far better had one or both of them been female, but Jezden would have ruined that for Harr eventually anyway.
“Fair enough,” he said to Inkblot. “Aside from the information that you’ve gotten from your searches regarding this Boas gang, what other ideas have you got?”
“Only one,” admitted Inkblot, “and you’re not going to like it.”
“Oh?”
“Prison,” she said.
“Prison?” Harr asked.
“Correct. The former head of the Boas is in jail.”
“Ah, so we’ll go and talk to him, you mean?”
“Tried that already,” said Inkblot. “He won’t say a word. But if you went to prison undercover, he might open up to you.”
“Why me?”
“He’s already seen me, so I couldn’t fool him.”
“You could shave—”
“Plus, they won’t allow women into the same cell block as men.”
“Right. Where is this prison, then?”
“On the mo
on,” Inkblot answered.
“You have a prison on the moon?”
“Of course,” she said with a grimace. “Where else would we put it?”
“I guess I’m surprised that Fantasy Planet needs to have a prison at all,” Harr admitted.
“Why? We’re just a planet like any other. People live here, work here, start gangs here, and all the other things that people do on various planets.”
“Sounds reasonable when you put it like that.”
Inkblot held out her hand and called out that yet another ship was coming in. Why she didn’t carry around a megaphone was beyond him.
“Anyway,” she continued, “that’s the only way I know of to get the information we need. I’ve already spoken with Warden Cloy about getting someone on the inside, just wasn’t sure who it would be until now.”
“Me,” Harr said matter-of-factly. “Fine, I’ll play along. What have I done?”
“About what?”
“I mean, why am I going to prison?”
Inkblot squinted. “To get information regarding the whereabouts of Mr. Parfait.”
“I know why I’m actually going, Inkblot,” Harr said tersely. “What I’m asking is what’s the story behind my imprisonment? What are we going to say I’ve been convicted of doing?”
“Oh, right! How about we say that you were soliciting a male prostitute.”
“What?”
“Hah!” said Grog. “I knew there was something funny about you.”
Vlak shook his head and grunted. “’Take your clothes off for the Cleaner,’ he said. ‘I won’t peek,’ he said. Yeah, right.”
Harr glared at the two cavemen. He was quickly adjusting his thoughts regarding the possibility of them joining the Reluctant. Not that they were any worse than the androids aboard, but still.
“I’m not playing that role, Inkblot,” Harr said forcefully.
“It’s the best way,” she replied in kind.
“Then you’ll have to get someone else to do it.”
“Fine,” she said with a shrug, “we’ll do it your way. What would you prefer as your reason for conviction, then?”
“Well,” he said as he looked around, “if these Boas are as ruthless as you say, how about convicting me for something grisly?”
Platoon F: Quadology: Missions 6, 7, 8, and 9 (Platoon F eBook Bundle 2) Page 25