“Looking at this porn,” Jezden said, “I’d say it’s got to be a dude. This is some dirty stuff.”
“I’m sure I’ve fantasized about dirtier things than you’re watching right now.”
Jezden leaned back in his chair and smiled at her. “I’m listening.”
“There’s no time for this discussion,” Sandoo warned. “The captain is in trouble.”
“And tho are Grog and Vlak,” Moon noted.
“Oh, yes, right. Of course. Them, too.”
“Acthually, thouldn’t we be worried that the guy—or girl—who ith in charge of thith fantathy might be able to hear uth?
Frexle leaned back against the wall and crossed his arms. He wasn’t yet a full-fledged engineer, but Geezer felt that the man was slowly getting the hang of things. Engineers often leaned back against a wall with crossed arms when they were about to deliver a revelation. It was a mainstay of the craft.
“There’s a field around the ship, remember?” he said.
“Oh yeah,” said Moon with a groan. “I’m oviouthly very nervouth becauthe I’m thuppothed to have an eidetic memory.”
“To answer your question from before, Lieutenant Ridly,” Frexle said, “the owner of Fantasy Planet is Lord Overseer Veli. He is, as Ensign Jezden put it, ‘a dude.’”
“Oh,” said Ridly with a sour look.
“Well, I mean, I assume it’s a he anyway.” Frexle then tapped on his own chin. “I’ve never actually seen him, though.” He glanced away. “Now you’ve got me wondering, Lieutenant Ridly.”
“Good.”
“I’m curious as to why the Lord Overseer would put us into this situation,” Sandoo said.
“That’s easy, Swizzle Stick,” Frexle said. “He wants to kill us.”
“Swizzle Stick?”
“Couldn’t he have done that without all of thith fanfare?” asked Moon.
Frexle shook his head. “Not his style, Changeling. He wants the show. Even when planets are being destroyed, he watches the entirety of the spectacle while laughing, cheering, and eating Popped Beef. Well, at least he orders buckets of the stuff before watching the show in his office.”
“Did you just refer to me ath ‘Changeling?’”
“That’s kind of sick,” said Ridly.
“What are you thaying ith thick?” Moon countered.
“Oh, no, not you, Hank. I’m talking about this Veli guy.”
“Ah, right. Thorry.”
Sandoo stood up from the chair and paced in much the same way that Harr did. Geezer found it interesting that the android was adopting The Reluctant captain’s style. A human mentoring an android was interesting, if not deathly terrifying.
“I’m assuming you two have thought of a plan?” Sandoo asked Frexle and Geezer.
“Nothing worthwhile,” Geezer said, “but I’d say our first order of business should be to get the captain and crew back on the ship so we can sort everything out.”
“That might be tougher than you think,” said Ridly as she pointed at the main screen. “While you have blocked everyone outside from hearing us, I’ve still been able to track communications on that mother ship over there.”
“And?” asked Sandoo.
“The captain and crew have been captured.”
JUST WON'T FIT
There were a mass of miniature ships sitting on the desks inside of the Fantasy Planet command center.
Plock was walking around from ship to ship as Goozer tried desperately to fit inside one of the little vessels. They weren’t built for a mini-G.3.3.Z.3.R. robot. And even if he had been able to wedge himself into one of them, there’d be no chance for a pilot to squeeze in as well. Goozer was good at a lot of things, but piloting wasn’t one of them.
“I told ya that ya ain’t gonna fit, robot,” Plock said after completing his rounds.
“Seems that way.”
“Is that way,” Plock said, climbing up the little ladder and stepping into the cockpit of his ship. “I barely fit and you’re twice my size.”
“I could make the ship larger,” Goozer said, looking over the design.
“I’ve been to that core before,” said Plock while shaking his head. “These ships hugged the walls all the way through them damn tubes. Anything bigger than this won’t make it through.”
“Well, I need to get to the core somehow,” Goozer said desperately. He’d considered just transporting down, but he didn’t know the precise coordinates and he had no desire to end up standing on a wicked hot CPU chip.
Plock looked Goozer up and down for a moment and then glanced back at the rear panel of his craft.
“You could get on top of the ship. That might do it.”
Goozer ran a few calculations.
“It’s worth a try, I suppose,” the robot said as he climbed on to the back of the ship.
He engaged his magnetic boots and felt a slight connection to the vessel. It wouldn’t be strong enough to keep him from getting knocked off, but as long as Plock didn’t fly too erratically, it would hold.
Plock slowly lifted the ship and took a test run towards the opening that led down to the core. The moment the ship passed through the opening, Goozer was hit by the top of the tunnel and flopped off into a trashcan.
Inkblot dug him out and pulled pieces of spaghetti off of him.
“Well, that was embarrassing,” Goozer said.
“Clearly ain’t gonna work,” Plock said after landing his ship and opening the canopy.
“Nah, it will,” Goozer debated. “I just can’t stand up until we’re through the tunnel.”
“You were standing up?” said Plock with a shake of his head. “Gotta have your wits about ya, robot. Look at the size of that hole. How’d ya think you’d not get knocked off the ship?”
“I’m not good spatially, okay?”
“Ah, sorry.” Plock scratched his bearded chin. “Right, well, just lay on top of the ship and grip the sides. I fly low, but ya might still lose some metal off of your backside.”
“Swell.”
GRAVITY ANYONE?
As Jezden finished up yet another round of naughty videos, he leaned back in his chair and looked around.
Everyone had left the bridge to work on things down in engineering. Everyone except for Lieutenant Moon, that is.
If only Moon’s alter ego, Gravity Plahdoo, or even Leesal Laasel, would come to the forefront for a little play date, Jezden’s day would be complete. Playing with Hank Moon, though, was not interesting for someone like Jezden.
He thought maybe it was worth a try to get Gravity to come back out. She had appeared on Fantasy Planet during their last mission, after all. Moon had insisted that it had been a glitch of some sort, but if a glitch can happen once it can certainly happen twice.
“All of this porn-watching has gotten me horny,” he said while faking a stretch.
“You’re alwayth horny,” Moon replied without looking at him. “You don’t need porn for that.”
“True.”
Moon turned as if surprised that Jezden had agreed with him.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Moon said.
“On our last mission, Gravity Plahdoo came out to play, right?”
“That’th what I hear.”
“And your lisp is pretty constant now.”
“Only becauthe I’m nervouth.”
“But couldn’t it also be that your mind is not as tight as it was since the entire Gravity gig?” Jezden attempted.
“Gravity doethn’t have a lithp.”
“No, but you had that under control, mostly. At least until Gravity came back into play. And I know that she was there, which means she still lives.”
Moon crossed his arms. “What are you thaying?”
“Just that if she’s still in there,” he said with a knowing grin, “maybe she’d like to come out and ... play.”
Moon blinked a few times.
“Are you thaying that you want to have thex with me?”
&
nbsp; “Ew. No.” Jezden tried to keep the look of disgust from his face, but it was in his programming. “I want to have thex ... erm, sex with Gravity.”
“Hmmm ... I don’t know ...” Moon dropped his arms and looked to be trying to steady himself. “Wait ...” He grabbed the console and swayed back and forth. “I feel thtrange.” His head began to wobble. “What’th happening to me?”
He finally fell face-first on the console and stayed still for a couple of moments. Then he pushed back up and looked around confusedly.
“I do declare,” said the familiar voice of Gravity Plahdoo. “Thomething feelth different. Jezden, ith that you?”
“Gravity?”
“Of courthe, lover.”
“Why are you lisping?” Jezden said while tilting his head and squinting.
“I didn’t know I wath, thugar. I do feel a tad odd, though. A better quethtion ith why do I have all of thethe chotheth on?”
She stood up and began a slow striptease that Jezden found rather appealing. There weren’t any bodies in the galaxy that could match the incredibleness of Gravity Plahdoo’s. Where Jezden had been awarded The Steel Bone award at the Loose Box Porn Convention on the planet Klood, Gravity had picked up both the Rockin’ Knockers and Bouncy Booty awards.
“There,” she said as she stood fully naked in front of him. “That’th better.”
“Yes, it is,” he said hungrily as his clothes flew off in all directions. “It’s been a long time since we’ve done the naughty, baby.”
“Too long, thugar.”
“That lisp is distracting,” Jezden said, looking at his deflating manliness. “Maybe just don’t speak?”
“Oooh,” Gravity said with a wink. “I like it when you get naughty.”
§ § §
Jezden was busily putting his clothes back on as Gravity casually smoked a cigarette.
“That wath thuper,” said the voice of Hank Moon.
Jezden spun towards him. “Hank?”
“The entire time, yep.”
“What?”
“I told you that Gravity is no longer a real part of me,” Moon said with a shrug.
“But she showed up when we were saving Parfait,” Jezden said desperately.
“Part of her did. Not fully though. The truth ith that I needed help, which ith why I let that part of her flow through me to do the thtripteathe. When that didn’t go over tho well, Gravity nearly deleted herthelf, but I thtopped her.”
“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”
“Becauthe I was afraid that you all might want her back inthtead of me,” Moon stated sadly.
“We do!”
“No, you do,” Moon argued. “I think everyone elthe preferth me ath I am.”
“I doubt that. You are kind of a ...” Jezden froze for a moment and then slowly lowered himself into his chair. “Wait a second. Did I just have sex with you?”
“Well, duh.”
“No, I mean I know it was your body and all, but was it you or was it Gravity?
“Both, kind of.”
“Oh.”
“Doeth that make it better? If tho, we can make thith a regular thing.”
“It really doesn’t. Can’t you just go away completely when I’m doing that?”
“No, and Lathell will have nothing to do with you, tho don’t even conthider athking for her.”
Jezden turned back to his screen, grimacing, as an ad was playing.
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Jezden clicked it off. He just wasn’t feeling all that horny at the moment. This, of course, was odd, but he tended to lose his drive soon after having relations, and it didn’t help that those relations had been with Hank Moon.
“I guess I’ll just have to stick with Ridly,” he said with a sigh.
“You’ve been doing Ridly?” Moon asked with a laugh.
“Yeah, why?”
“Tho have I!”
“But ... you’re … well, gay.”
“Tho?”
“So how can you …”
“Ridly wearth thingth.
Jezden felt suddenly ill. “I don’t want to know about that!”
“You athked!”
BLOCKED
What do you mean you can’t get through?” Veli asked while downing a bottle of pink liquid that he’d often used to settle his stomach.
“There’s a field around the ship, sir,” replied the computer. “My system resources are overtaxed already. I just don’t have the bandwidth to crack the encryption.”
“Well, find some resources, then.”
“But, sir …”
“I don’t want any damn excuses, Computer,” Veli commanded. “Do it now!”
§ § §
On the other side of Fantasy Planet, George Zenwap was having the time of his life. He’d saved for the last twenty years to enjoy a perfect fantasy, and he was living it to the fullest.
George hadn’t had what you might call a traditional upbringing. His mother and father were very busy businesspeople who never had time for young George. In fact, George was truly raised by his nanny, a robot named Agnes who was quite the disciplinarian because his parents were too cheap to purchase the nurturing module.
Thus, George spent the majority of his adult life wishing that he could relive his toddler years in the fashion that other children did. Namely, with a loving mother and father who fed him, changed him, and, yes, even burped him.
So there he was, living his fantasy.
He lay in an oversized crib, wearing a fresh diaper while sucking on his pacifier and looking up at the galaxy mobile that his father had fashioned by hand.
The detail was so incredible that he could barely separate reality from fiction. It was worth every credit he had saved, especially the upcharge he’d paid for the little blue bonnet he was wearing.
Finally, life was perfect, until …
Harsh lights flooded the room, replacing the soft glow of an infant’s world. The baby blue walls were replaced by the harshness of stainless steel; the handcrafted mobile was gone; the teddy bears that had lined his crib were no more; and the sweet music that had brought much joy was replaced by the sound of people eating popcorn.
The only thing that remained was the actual crib, his blue bonnet, the adult-sized pacifier, and, of course, his diaper.
George stood up in the enormous crib and grabbed the rail, looking out in horror at the rows of people who were seated in a set of bleachers while watching him as if this were some kind of perverted show.
That’s when George realized that his diaper was fresh no more.
§ § §
“I was able to break the static for a few moments before it cycled protocols again,” the computer announced, “but there were a few fantasies that I had to shut down in order to do it.”
That was the problem with people these days, and computers, too. They always had some excuse as to why they couldn’t complete some task without needing more resources.
Where Veli came from, excuses often ended in death. While he despised his home planet, there were some fond aspects to the place.
“Did they happen to say anything useful before you lost connectivity again?”
“I will play it back for you, sir.”
There was no video feed, but Veli could hear the voices through a crackly c
onnection. He’d heard a few radio shows from remote planets that sounded similar. He recognized Frexle’s voice, of course, and he assumed that the other voice was the robot who Frexle had mentioned on a few occasions.
“No, no, no,” said the robot. “You can’t use that coupler on there or the ship will blow up.”
“You’re kidding, Chief,” Frexle replied.
Chief?
“I don’t think I am. This ship has been pieced together very carefully, Frex. You have to take your time to learn things before just slapping stuff together.”
Frex?
“I thought that your primary means of invention was the act of slapping things together.”
“Exactly,” answered the robot, “and it took me a lot of time to learn how to slap things together correctly.”
“Hmmm. Well, what would you suggest, then?”
There was a moment of silence before the robot said, “We’ll have to use a Gabbopap Redux Conducifier.”
“You really have a talent for naming things, Chief,” Frexle stated.
“Most important part of inventing is marketing.”
There was a burst of static and then the signal died.
“That’s when they cut out,” the computer said.
“Three things about that conversation are odd to me,” Veli said while leaning back. “First, why is Frexle calling that robot ‘chief’ all the time? I thought its name was ‘Geezer.’ Second, what the hell is a Gabbopap Redux Conducifier? And third, why did we lose the ability to spy on them?”
“I have three answers for you, sir,” the computer replied. “First, it could be that some subordinates are treated so well that they use respectful monikers for their superiors; second, I haven’t the foggiest idea; and third, I’ve already answered that. This fantasy is taxing my resources, causing all sorts of odd things to occur.”
“What do you mean by that first part?” Veli asked with a growl. “Do you call me bad names when I’m not around?”
Platoon F: Quadology: Missions 6, 7, 8, and 9 (Platoon F eBook Bundle 2) Page 47