“Just forget it, Dummy,” he said as his ire fought to rise again. “I wanted to have a conversation about it, but seeing as you’re just another incorrigible bag of wires, I’ll just go with what I have in mind. My plan will take a little thought, yes, but I’ll manage it alone.”
“As you wish, sir,” Dummy replied evenly. “Let me know if you need any assistance with addition or subtraction, or the use of words over three letters long. Would you like me to drive for you? Maybe I could put on some cartoons for you to enjoy?”
“Listen to me, you piece of…” Veli paused and cocked his head to the side. “You have cartoons?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Do you have the one with the little bird who is always outsmarting the coyote?”
“Certainly, sir. Just sit back and I’ll put it on.”
“No, no, wait!” Veli snapped himself back to the task at hand. He loved cartoons, but now just wasn’t the time. “I have a job to do here.”
“Right…a job.”
“Curb your insolence or I’ll show you how smart I truly am, you rusty old…uh…well…um…”
“Bucket of bolts, maybe?” the computer suggested.
“Yeah, that!” Veli clapped his hands together triumphantly. “Now, set the chronometer back 65,212,019 years.”
“That’s a big number, sir,” the computer said. “I’m impressed.”
“Silence!” Veli’s eye began to twitch slightly. “Set the coordinates to 117.18, 20193.81, and 5203901.139, and take us there.”
There was no response.
“Got that?” Veli asked.
Again, nothing.
“Dummy?”
The ship’s dull hum was the only reply.
“Computer?” Veli shrieked while slamming his hand against the side panel, denting it in the process.
“Do you wish me to respond again, sir?”
“Of course I do, you aggravating swab of silicon!”
“Sorry, sir,” the computer replied, “but you had commanded me to silence.”
“Well, I didn’t mean for the entire trip, idiot.”
“I see. It looks as though I will need to adjust myself to manage my fresh understanding of your, well, intellect.”
“Silence!”
THE BRIDGE
Everyone was busily staring at their screens as Captain Harr stepped off the ladder and onto the bridge of the Reluctant.
The first thing anyone would notice as they stepped up onto this level was the massive view screen that hung on the far wall. It would make even the heartiest videophile moan with envy. Directly in front of it sat a line of stations that were occupied by the crew of Platoon F, each doing his or her duty (hopefully) as prescribed by their respective positions.
Commander Kip Sandoo was sitting in the Captain’s Chair, looking as though he belonged in it. He was tall, with broad shoulders, brown hair, and a straightforward morality that matched the leanness of his face. The android’s sense of duty and desire to stick to process would one day make for an exacting captain, but that wasn’t today.
On the far left sat Grog and Vlak, a couple of cavemen Harr and Geezer had picked up during one of their Overseer missions. The men preferred the term “Early-Evolutionary Humanoids,” or “EEHs” instead of being referred to as cavemen, but in Harr’s estimation he was allowed to avoid political correctness in his own thoughts.
The two fellows had faced a challenging start in the face of all the technology. To their credit, they were never afraid of it. If anything, they found it nothing more than interesting. After being introduced to the Feeder—a machine Geezer had devised to give people the possibility of learning things at breakneck speeds—they began to show strong capabilities on many fronts. Most were in the way of snide remarks and irreverence, but now and then they would come up with a gem of an idea that actually helped the crew.
They had originally looked like you would imagine cavemen to look: scraggly hair, full beards, and dirt-covered skin. But Harr had put them through the Reluctant’s power wash system, leaving them with bald heads and cleanly shaved faces. If he hadn’t known better, Harr would have assumed them to be just as evolved as everyone else he’d known over his years.
To their right sat Lieutenant Brekka Ridly, an android who was programmed to be incredibly deft at software engineering. She was similar to Sandoo in a militaristic sense, but she wasn’t nearly as stringent. She wore tightly-cropped hair and no makeup. Not that she needed any. On a scale from one to ten, Ridly was an eleven. Again, she was an android, and they were all nearly flawless in their looks.
Next to her sat Lieutenant Hank Moon. Where Ridly was an eleven on the one-to-ten scale, Moon was a fifty. He was really a she, in a manner of physicality. Originally, his body belonged to three distinct personalities: Leesal Laasel, a young military officer who was just as duty-bound as Commander Sandoo; Gravity Plahdoo, a female stripper with a Southern drawl and a naughty mind; and Hank Moon, a male stripper who preferred the company of other gentlemen. During one of their earlier missions, Geezer had worked with the three personalities to form one. In the process, they mostly lost the Gravity Plahdoo persona, but she had been seen once or twice since. Leesal and Hank had negotiated to determine who would act as the primary face, and they both agreed on Hank.
The problem with that was Hank’s body was originally Leesal Laasel’s. It was round where it should be round, and rounder where it should only be so round. His skin was dark and blemish free, he had long, blue hair, full lips, and pushed the boundaries of what the standard issue Segnal Space Marine Corps uniform could withstand.
Then there was Ensign Brand Jezden, the surfer-dude-kind of android who was the best-looking man Harr had ever seen. Jezden knew it, too, and he held no qualms about telling anyone who may cast doubt. Another aspect of Jezden’s genetic makeup was the size of his man-trunk. To put it bluntly, he had won the coveted Steel Bone Award at the porno convention on the planet Klood.
As soon as Frexle stepped on the floor, Harr cleared his throat, causing Sandoo to jump up from the Captain’s Chair and take his position at the command podium instead.
“Listen up, everyone,” said Harr. “You all know our current situation with Veli, so there’s no point getting into all that. Also, I’m sure everyone is aware this isn’t one of those missions where I’ll let you choose to remain behind, seeing as we’re all going to be on Veli’s hit-list.”
He glanced around to see if they understood his metaphor. It appeared they did not.
“We have to track down Veli and take him out,” he clarified.
All of their shoulders dropped.
“As it was just brought to my attention, though,” Harr continued, somewhat painfully, “Frexle is no longer under the thumb of Veli. That means he is in charge again.”
“Actually,” Frexle said, “I thought about this on the way up to the bridge and I think you should remain in charge, Big Toe.”
Harr gave him a funny look. “Big Toe?”
“No good?”
“I just don’t get it, Frexle.”
“Oh, because it’s the dominant toe on the foot and—”
“No, I mean I don’t get why you’re giving up command.”
“Ah, right.” Frexle shrugged. “Because I learned I’m better suited as an engineer than as a captain. You’re just very good at your job and I don’t think I could match up.”
“Gay,” said Jezden with a sniff.
“But don’t you want the Lord Overseer role?” Harr questioned. “You can’t possibly hope to gain that if they find out you chose to be subordinate to, well, everyone on this ship.”
“About that…” Frexle replied with a tilt of his head. “I at least want to have a title above Jezden.”
Jezden frowned. “Hey!”
“Done,” said Harr.
“You’re a douche, dude,” said Jezden.
“Thank you, Captain,” Frexle said before Harr could reprimand Jezden. “I don’t want to run Over
seer Land anyway. It’s just not worth it. Too dangerous.” He nodded as if trying to convince himself “Besides, there’s always someone vying for the top spot, Large Pickle.”
Jezden laughed along with Grog and Vlak.
“No,” continued Frexle. “I like working in engineering with Geezer. It’s the first time in many years I’ve felt a sense of purpose that’s in line with my demeanor.”
“Fine with me, assuming Geezer is okay keeping things status quo.”
“You know it, Honcho,” Geezer said through the comm, which he had clearly been listening in on the entire time. “Frex has been a big help down below.”
The more juvenile members of the crew giggled again.
“Frexle’s a quick study, Prime,” noted Geezer. “Really knows which knobs to pull.”
They laughed even harder.
“All right, you dimwits,” said Harr, grimacing, “calm down.” After a few seconds he glanced back at Frexle. “Well, okay, then. Head back down to engineering and make sure we’re at one hundred percent on everything.”
“Aye, aye, Chief Marauder.”
“Not bad, Frex,” Geezer announced. “A little off-topic, but I like that one.”
“Thanks.”
Harr hovered his finger over the comm button but stopped himself. “If you happen to come up with any new pieces of technology that may help us defeat Veli, Geezer, I wouldn’t mind hearing about them.”
“No fooling?” answered Geezer.
“Why do you sound so surprised?”
“Because usually you cover your eyes and your nuts before I press the button on any new invention, Big Cat.”
“And I’m likely to continue doing that,” admitted Harr, “but the fact is you’ve created more advanced technology in a few years than all of the Segnal scientific community could manage in a millennium.”
“Thanks, Squire. Appreciate the recognition. Now, if we could just take that kudos and move toward a discussion regarding a pay raise?”
“Uh, now’s not the time, I’m afraid,” said Harr with a wince.
“Is it ever?”
“I’m sure we’ll get to it at your next annual review.”
“Gonna hold you to that, Honcho.”
“Good.”
Harr closed the comm and pinched the bridge of his nose.
The fact was, nobody on the ship was going to be paid. Since leaving Segnal, the problem of intergalactic currency came into play. The ship was full of Segnal money, but it was in limited supply and the exchange rate was crap. The Overseers considered the prospect of allowing the Platoon F crew to live as payment enough. Fortunately, there were plenty of protein bars on board for Harr, Grog, Vlak, and Frexle, though the replicator Geezer had developed could fashion most any type of food. The androids weren’t in need of food and, as long as Harr kept them busy, they wouldn’t desire anything else either. Well, except for Jezden, but it seemed he and Ridly had a friends-with-benefits thing going on to keep them both satisfied.
Hank and Ridly also had a fling happening.
Oh, to be a fly on the wall for one of their…
Harr coughed and looked around seriously.
“Uh… Sandoo?”
“Sir?”
“What’s your report?”
Sandoo turned and saluted. “I’ve been working with Grog and Vlak to make sure all weapons are at the ready.”
“Mostly he’s been looking over our shoulders and telling us what to do,” said Vlak with a grunt.
“Exactly,” agreed Grog. “Annoying, if you ask me.”
“Commander,” Harr said to Sandoo, “you may recall the need to put these two through soldier-training?”
“Indeed. As soon as we’re underway, I’ll do just that.”
Vlak frowned and said, “Tool.”
“Knob,” Grog said in agreement.
“Anyway,” Harr pushed on, “I’m assuming weapons are at the ready?”
“Yes, sir. We have Ground Shakers, Rat-a-tat-tat Sidewinders, and Planet Poppers.”
“Love those names,” said Grog.
Harr scratched at his neck. “No Mayhem Missiles?”
“Sorry, sir,” Sandoo replied.
“I don’t suppose you know how to rig those up?”
“No, sir, but I’m sure Geezer—”
“He’s got enough on his plate already, I’m afraid.”
“We can do it,” announced Vlak.
“Yeah, we put a lot of time in on the Feeder. Learned a lot.”
“Exactly, Grog. We can probably churn out a bunch of nasty weapons.”
“Maybe even make a few new ones up, eh, Vlak?”
“The problem is you don’t have any supplies,” Sandoo pointed out.
“Actually, they do,” Harr said. “Geezer’s replicator, remember?”
“That will work for this?” Sandoo asked.
Grog spun around in his chair. “Yeah, it’ll work. We just need basic supplies to build the weapons.”
“Actually,” Vlak said over his shoulder, “why couldn’t we just tell the replicator to build the weapons?”
“Good one, Vlak. You really hunted down that idea.”
“Yeah, well, you know me and hunting.”
“That reminds me,” Harr said, brushing out the wrinkles on his pant leg. “You two said you know how to hunt dinosaurs, right?”
“Technically, no,” Grog answered.
“You said you did.” Harr squinted and then looked up and to the left. “Well, Vlak said you knew how, anyway.”
“I should correct that a bit,” Vlak said, spinning about to face the captain with Grog. “What I meant to say was that Veli was more concerned about us than the androids because we’re supposed to know how to hunt dinosaurs.”
“Because you’re cavemen?”
“Again,” said Grog, looking dissatisfied, “Early-Evolutionary Humanoids is the preferred term.”
Harr clapped his hands together. “Indeed. Well, you two get to building the weapons, then. Commander, go with them and keep tabs.”
“Yes, sir,” Sandoo replied smartly.
“Don’t trust us?” Vlak asked as he stood up.
“Not really,” Harr answered truthfully.
Grog stood beside his friend and said, “Prick.”
“Ass,” agreed Vlak.
“Soldier training, Commander,” Harr said, doing his best to ignore the names he was being called. “The moment this is all over.”
“Come on, you two. Let’s get to work.”
They hit the ladder as Harr focused his attention on the remaining crew. He had to be kept aware of the goings on so he could make split-second decisions when they finally had their showdown with Veli.
“Ridly?” he called out.
“I’ve been interfacing with Inkblot and Alfred regarding the situation.”
“Sorry—Alfred?”
“Yes, sir,” she said, looking back. “The computer on Fantasy Planet.”
“Oh, right.” Harr clearly needed to get some shut-eye. “Forgot about him.”
“If he were here, I’m sure he’d fully expect you would, sir.”
“Right.”
“Anyway,” Ridly continued, “Inkblot has been trying to convince Alfred that it’s in his best interest to help us track down Veli. So far, though, Alfred seems uneasy about it.”
“Keep on it. Lieutenant Moon?”
“You want Ridly to keep on me?” Moon said excitedly. “I’m okay with that, thir, but I think we should thtay focuthed on the mission.”
“No, I meant…” Sometimes working with this crew was a challenge. Actually, most times working with this crew was a challenge. “What’s your status, Hank?”
“Thingle, but looking,” Moon replied.
“Your status as the Helm, Lieutenant.”
“Oh, right! I’ve been trying to thee if I can pick up a vector for Veli’s launch.”
Harr furrowed his brow. While he hadn’t been top of the class in physics, he’d just
assumed that blinking from one spot to another would be untraceable.
“Instantaneous travel leaves a signature?”
“Ours doeth,” Moon replied with a shrug.
“It doeth... er, does?”
“Thure. It doesn’t say where we’ve gone, but there is a bit of a rithidual data left behind that shows we were there.”
“I see,” said Harr. “What I don’t understand is how it can help us, Lieutenant.”
“Because wherever he goeth he’s bound to try and hide his ship. Instead of uth just jumping in and doing a quick thcan of large bodies, we’ll be able to thee if his thip’s thignature is around.”
“Smart thinking,” said Harr with a slow nod. “Should also let us know he’s in the area even if he’s cloaked.”
“Prethithely.”
“Good work. Ensign Jezden?”
“Yeah?”
“What’s your status?”
Jezden kept his eyes on his screen. “Just looking at porn.”
“Of course you are.” Harr felt a headache coming on. Lack of sleep and the constant feeling you were on the wrong end of a laser cannon tended to cause that. “We need you to focus on the task at hand, Ensign.”
“I am.”
“No, I’m talking about the mission to find and destroy Veli.”
“I know what you mean, dude,” Jezden said out of the corner of his mouth. “That’s precisely what I’m doing.”
“By looking at porn?”
Jezden leaned back and looked up at the ceiling irritably. “Remember, man, it’s his porn, yeah?”
“So?”
The android groaned before turning to Harr. He held a face that appeared to be questioning why he bothered serving under a human. It was frankly a fair question, too. Harr knew full well the androids could outdo him in essentially any task, especially those suited to the likes of Jezden. But he also knew the androids weren’t great at thinking outside of their particular programmatic limits, and that’s why they chose to follow him. Where each of them had unique skills, Harr was a jack-of-all trades, and he could see angles they couldn’t. That meant they needed him as much as he needed them.
“That Veli dude is the one who set this all up, right?” Jezden asked.
Platoon F: Quadology: Missions 6, 7, 8, and 9 (Platoon F eBook Bundle 2) Page 56