… Bill, c’mon, pick it up… I know you’re there… Come on, one posse…”
* * *
Why do they still have to read that whole,
“You have the right to remain silent” speech to every criminal they arrest?
Is there anybody who doesn’t know that by now?
Can’t they just go,
“Freeze, you’re under arrest. You ever seen Baretta?”
“Yeah.”
“Good, get in the car.”
Professional Football
Professional football.
To me the hardest part of being a professional football player
is on the one hand you’re a millionaire.
On the other, they blow a whistle and you have to run around after a football.
To me, the whole idea of being a millionaire is,
somebody throws a football at me.
Maybe I catch it.
Maybe I don’t.
I would think you get someone to hand you the football at that point.
“Here you go, sir, that’s another touchdown for you.
Would you like a fresh squeezed orange juice before the next play?”
Time Save
We all try and save time.
All our little shortcuts.
But no matter how much time you save,
at the end of your life, there’s no extra time saved up.
You’ll be going,
“What do you mean I’m out of time?
I had a no-iron shirt,
Velcro sneakers,
clip-on tie:
Where is that time?”
It’s not there.
Because when you waste time in life, they subtract it.
Like if you saw all the Rocky movies, they deduct that.
So, you’ve got to be careful.
You can take the Concorde to Europe,
but if they show Porky’s on the plane,
you’re right back where you started from.
Oscar Mayer
I try to eat healthy food.
It’s really not that hard.
Some products are really very candid about their nutritional quality.
Certainly those Oscar Mayer cold cuts labeled simply “Luncheon Meat” fall into this category.
Here you have a product where it seems
even the manufacturer is not quite sure what the hell it is.
All they’re telling you is,
“It’s some kind of meat and you should eat it… around noon.”
That’s it.
I think they figure,
“You could never face it for breakfast.
No one would have the balls to serve it for dinner.
It’s Luncheon Meat.”
“We saw an animal.
We grabbed it.
Never got a real good look at him…”
Which is nothing compared to that other item,
Head Cheese.
Whooaaa…
I don’t know what this is.
But the words “head” and “cheese” should never be that close together for any reason.
I’ll try Head Meat before I go near this item.
Plants
I have such trouble with plants, they’re so hard to keep alive.
Any little thing, you know you’re supposed to play them music.
If I play one weak song.
That’s it.
Suicide.
I come home, I find it hanging from a little macramé noose.
The pot kicked out from underneath.
Even left me a note, said, “I hate you and your albums.”
Dead Pillow
The proof that we don’t understand death is we give dead people a pillow.
Are they uncomfortable?
If you can’t stretch out and get some solid rest at that point…
I don’t think there are any bedding accessories that are going to make a difference.
And why do we have the guy all dressed up in a suit?
Is he sleeping, is he going to an important meeting?
Is he going to nap in a meeting?
We need to decide where we think these people are going.
Telephone Sales
One of the jobs I had starting out was
telephone lightbulb salesman.
For real.
First thing I learned was,
the world doesn’t really need telephone lightbulb salesmen.
There’s not a lot of people sitting home in the dark going,
“I can’t hold out much longer.
If someone doesn’t call pretty soon…”
Desk Family Pictures
Why do people who work in offices
have pictures of their family on their desk facing them?
Do they forget that they’re married?
Do they say to themselves,
“All right. Five o’clock.
Time to hit the bars and pick up some hookers.
Hold it a second, look at this picture.
I’ve got a wife and three kids.
Oh my god, I better get home.”
Sweepstakes Letter
I did get some very exciting news recently.
And I don’t know if I should really even be talking about it,
because it’s really not a definite thing yet…
… All right, well, I will tell you what I do know so far.
According to the information that I have,
in the envelope that I received,
it seems… that I may have already won some very valuable prizes.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Now remember, they’re not saying anything definitely yet.
To be honest with you, I didn’t even know I was in this thing.
But apparently I am among the top people at this point.
They’re not saying I definitely won.
I may have.
I may have already lost.
You never get an envelope like that.
Just once I’d like to get a really hostile one.
“You have definitely lost.
Ha ha ha.”
You turn it over, giant printing:
“NOT EVEN CLOSE.”
Inside there is this whole letter of explanation.
“Even we cannot believe how badly you’ve done in this contest.
Never have we had such unanimous agreement that someone should NOT win.
You have the least luck of anyone we’ve ever seen.
Don’t ever bother us again.
You make us physically ill.”
Hallmark Greeting Cards
People are so confused about relationships these days.
You can tell just by the greeting cards.
They have a whole section of greeting cards now with no writing inside.
It’s like Hallmark is saying,
“Hey, we don’t know what to tell her.
You think of something, pal.
For 65¢ I don’t want to get involved.”
Date Job Interview
I like dating because I like tension.
There’s dating going on in this room right now.
Feel that…?
That’s dating tension.
What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?
The difference is, not too many job interviews
is there a chance you’ll end up naked at the end of it.
“Well, Jim, the boss really thinks you’re the man for the job.
Why don’t you strip down so you can meet some of the people you’ll be working with…”
Movie Theaters
I was thinking about going to the movies tonight.
I just couldn’t decide if I wanted to go to a “specially selected theater.”
Or just a “theater near you.”
How do these theaters know where I am?
If I move, do they move the theater?
; Seems like a pretty expensive service.
Movie Candy
We’re taking a pretty good beating on that candy, though, I’ll tell you that.
You know the candy is going to be expensive when you see they display it in a glass case.
It’s a jewelry case for candy.
This gives you some idea what they think it’s worth.
“I’d like to see something in a Milk Dud, if I could.”
He puts it on the fold-out black velvet display panel.
“Honey, what do you think?
That’s a 2-carat Dud.”
Personal Maintenance
Let’s face it, the human body is like a condominium apartment.
The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.
There’s a tremendous amount of daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly work that has to be done.
From showering to open-heart surgery, we’re always doing something to ourselves.
If your body was a used car, you wouldn’t buy it.
You’d go,
“Nah, I’ve heard about these human being bodies.
This is one of those Earth models, right?
Yeah, a cousin of mine had one.
Too much work to keep them going.
The new ones are nice looking, though.”
Deodorant Soap
Deodorant soap has always been kind of a mystery to me.
If you’re covering your entire body, hands and face with deodorant, don’t we have a larger problem?
If you smell this bad, maybe just call in sick?
“Listen, I can’t come in today.
It’s happening again.
I’ll be at the zoo if you need me.
I think that’s where I’ll feel most comfortable.”
The Last Soap Sliver
Well, I’m getting down to that last little sliver of soap in my shower.
I’m going to have to make a decision pretty soon.
Throw it out or try and mind-meld it to a new bar.
When does this add up to be a worthwhile activity?
One day you look around and you’re hundreds of bars ahead of everybody else.
You’re throwing Soap Parties.
Giving it away around the office.
“Hey, thanks. Where do you get it all?”
“I have my methods.”
“Wow, that guy sure has a lot of soap.”
“Yeah, he’s quite a guy.”
Men’s Room
Then there’s the Men’s Room, which I hate.
I’m sure if I met a man outside that room,
I would find them to be a charming, delightful person.
But the Men’s Room is a nauseating, disgusting place.
And every man in there is a sickening, revolting human slime.
You don’t want to see, relate, or interact in any way
with any human in that room.
We won’t even use our hands when we’re in there.
Men operate everything with their feet as soon as they walk in.
We’re like orangutans in the Men’s Room.
Manipulating toilets, faucets, handles, everything.
They ought to put the ropes in there.
So we can just swing in…
Pee.
Swing out.
Facial Quality
I bought toilet paper the other day.
On the package I noticed it said, “Facial Quality.”
I didn’t care for the insinuation.
What’s my face got to do with it?
When I buy facial tissue I don’t look for “rectal quality.”
When we were kids, we’d go,
“Got a match?”
“Yeah, my ass and your face.”
That wasn’t a compliment.
Cologne Set
For those of you in the back,
I am wearing cologne.
I don’t know why.
Am I hoping, “Maybe people will think I really smell like this…”?
Someone gave me one of those gift sets that has cologne, aftershave, soap-on-a-rope.
I need soap-on-a-rope.
Lot of times I’m in the shower, I want to hang myself.
Why put these items together?
Because they rhyme?
I don’t need shaving cream on a wooden beam.
This set even had underarm deodorant with the cologne smell.
Do you need cologne in there?
Once a woman’s got her nose in your armpit, I think the seduction is pretty much over.
I think she likes you.
What are we, dogs?
Do you have to smell every square inch of a person before you make up your mind?
Even dogs just go by looks once in a while.
* * *
When women put on their perfume they’re very careful.
They always hit the inside of the wrist.
Women are convinced that this is the most action-packed area.
Why, ladies? What is happening there?
Is that in case you slap the guy?
He still finds you intriguing…?
—CRACK!—
He turns back, “… Chanel.”
In Sickness
The best time to be in a relationship is when you’re sick.
And the best time to be sick is when you’re in a relationship.
When I get married, I don’t think I’ll need all those different vows.
Just the sickness part.
That’s the most important one to me. My whole wedding ceremony will be,
“Do you take this man in sickness?”
The rest of the time go out, have a ball, do whatever you want.
But the second I have a temperature, you better be there.
Have Kids
I’d like to have a family someday.
Although it’s hard to imagine being the head of the household
when my life at this point consists mostly of wandering around my apartment, kicking underwear up in the air and trying to catch it.
A Giant On-Off Switch
Your car breaks down.
You get out of the car.
Walk around the front…
Open the hood…
And then do the big “Look In.”
“Well, there it is…
That’s the car.
Boy, I wish I knew what was going on in there.”
We’re hoping that we will see something that’s so obvious.
So simple.
So easy to fix.
Even you can do it.
Like a giant On/Off switch turned “OFF.”
“Okay… I think I can fix this.”
It’s That Guy
No matter whatever else you do in life, having a kid is the big step.
I think you get to a point where everybody you know has pretty much caught on to you.
You need to create a new person, someone that doesn’t know anything about you.
You need a relationship with a person who’s impressed that you know where the spoons are.
That’s the level.
Where to urinate.
This is why you have kids.
They really look up to you in these areas.
Of course, the kid matures, becomes intelligent and leaves the house.
That is why people get pets.
Dogs stay stupid.
They never catch on to anything.
Every time you come home, he thinks it’s amazing.
“You’re back again!!
(sings)
It’s that guy…
That guy is back…
With the ball and the food…
It’s that guy…
—How did you know which house I was in?”
Parking Lots
In parking lots now, they have these “Compact Car Only” spots.
Isn’t that discrimination against the size of your car?
If I
want my ass hanging out of the back of my parking spot, that’s my business.
There are people out there with real asses hanging out of their pants, nobody’s stopping them.
Nobody goes,
“Hey, hold it, sir, those are compact jeans, you can’t pull that in there.”
The Eighties
On May 6, 1981, I walked out, a bit stiffly, onto The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson.
Six minutes later, as the audience continued applauding, I started back toward the curtain.
Over the applause, Johnny asked me to come back and “take a bow.”
My four-year-old absurd dream had come true.
I was a comic.
I had moved to LA from New York a year earlier with my life savings of $2,000.
I slept on my friend George Wallace’s couch at 733 West Knoll Drive, Apartment 129, in West Hollywood.
The first thing I did upon arriving was buy a used ’74 Fiat 124 sedan, which was a very solid little car, for $2,000 and I was back to zero.
Comedians talked about getting on Johnny Carson like Dorothy talked about going home.
Could not shut up about it.
It was a high bar to clear.
You had to have killer stuff.
Fresh, original and, of course, completely clean.
And you could not do more than six minutes to show it all off.
In that moment, standing there by yourself,
getting laughs from a big studio crowd as it goes out live to a national network TV audience is like sliding down the face of the biggest wave you’ve ever surfed
You get back behind that curtain
and you want to collapse like a hundred-meter sprinter at the finish.
“That’s everything I have,” is the subtext of that set.
You know it.
Your friends know it.
Your family knows it.
And now everybody knows it.
* * *
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