“Should I strangle this guy or are we going to take a break here?
I tell you what, I’ll bonk him in the head,
we’ll take a quick break,
when we come back, I’ll drive in the car real fast.
Stay with us.”
TV Flip
I love TV.
Need TV.
Watch TV.
TV. TV. TV.
I don’t like the shows.
Just like TV.
Like flipping.
“Rerun…
Don’t want that…
Can’t believe that’s on the air…
He’s so stupid…
She’s so stupid.
They’re so stupid.
Everything is stupid…”
People come in,
“What are you watching?”
“TV…”
You go around once, you know there’s nothing on.
But you make that second lap.
That’s the sad one.
That’s when you find out how flexible your entertainment standards really are.
“Hmm… maybe I judged that Love Connection a little too hastily…”
Men, of course, flip around much more than women.
Men are not interested in what’s on TV.
Men are only interested in what else is on TV.
“Keep going…
Keep flipping…
Keep changing…”
“Hey, your whole family is on 60 Minutes.”
“Don’t care…”
“That was a documentary about your life.”
“Not interested…”
Keep going,
keep going.
We don’t know what we want.
We only know that we don’t want what we have.
Women want to see what the show is before they change the channel.
“Hang on a second. Let’s see what this is…
Maybe we can nurture it, work with it, help it grow into something.”
Because women nest and men hunt.
That’s why we watch TV differently.
TV Sleep
You ever get to that point of watching TV where you’re so out of it…
So beat.
So wasted.
Your eyes are closed,
your brain is unconscious,
and yet you’re still somehow searching for entertainment?
Now, am I so stupid that I think I’m awake?
Or am I so bored,
I don’t care that I don’t even know what I’m not watching?
It doesn’t matter.
The finger that hits the button on the remote control
is the last part of the human body to fall asleep.
Probably the last part to die too.
I bet I’ll be six feet under.
And the finger will be going like,
“Okay, I’m dead…
Let’s see what else is on.”
They say your life flashes in front of your eyes.
I’ll be going,
“What is this?
My life?
I’ve seen this… that’s a rerun.
I’m not watching that again.”
We Have Soda
The basic problem with TV
is everybody you see on TV
is doing something better than what you’re doing.
Nobody on TV is just watching TV.
You never see anybody on TV half conscious,
sliding off the sofa
with potato chip crumbs on their shirt.
Some people on TV are having a little too much fun.
The soda commercial people.
Jumping, laughing, hugging.
Where does all this enthusiasm come from?
“We have soda! We have soda! We have soda!”
Have you ever been sitting there
drinking the exact same product they’re advertising on TV at that moment?
They’re spiking volleyballs,
Jet Skiing,
girls in bikinis driving Jeeps into the surf,
“Sodaaaa!”
I look at it, I think,
“Maybe I’m putting too much ice in mine…”
Movie Plot
I always get confused in any international, adventure, intrigue type movie.
I’m the guy you see after the movie, in the parking lot with his friends going,
“Oh, you mean that was the same guy from the beginning?
Oooohhh…
That’s why after they stole the money he had the fake nose and the beard and then he didn’t,
oooohhh…”
“Did you enjoy the movie?”
“Yes. I’m enjoying it here in the parking lot, but in there I had no idea what was going on.”
Nobody will explain anything to you in a movie theater once you get confused.
(whispering)
“What is happening now?”
“Ssshhhh. Nothing.”
“Nothing? This is all nothing? Then why did they film it?
I don’t understand why they killed that guy.
I thought he was with them.
Wasn’t he with them?
Why would they kill him if he was with them?”
“They—had—to.”
“Oh, so he wasn’t really with them…
I like that actor. He was the only guy I liked.”
“Would you just watch the movie?”
“I am watching. I don’t understand anything.”
“You—know—as—much—as—I—do.”
“I—KNOW—NOTHING.
Is this a space movie?
Is it a western?
Totally lost.
I hate this movie.
… I hate you too.”
* * *
Why can’t they have subtitles for the plot?
“Closed-captioned for the movie impaired.”
I would go to these movies.
Little lines pop up,
“Don’t worry about this guy. He’s only in this one scene.”
“Here’s the name of the other movie you can’t remember that you’ve seen this person in.”
“This is too hard to explain. They’ll tell you in the parking lot.”
* * *
The one movie ad I don’t get is,
“If you see only one movie this year…”
If you see only one movie this year, why go at all?
You obviously don’t like going to the movies.
And going once a year is ridiculous pressure to put on a movie.
You’re sitting there,
“All right, this is it for the next 51 weekends. Better be good.”
Armrest Battle
Another reason I go to the movies is for the marathon 2-hour Battle of the Armrest with the
complete stranger sitting next to me.
You walk out, your friend asks, “Did you like the movie?”
“Forget the movie. Did you see how I had the armrest for the whole last hour?!
He went for popcorn, I moved right in.
Forget the movie. This is real life.”
Movie Employee Age Gap
There definitely seems to be an age gap in the hiring policy at most movie theaters.
They never hire anyone over 15 or under 80.
So, the girl that sells the tickets, she’s 10.
Then there’s the guy that rips it, he’s 102.
So, what happened in the middle there?
They couldn’t find anybody?
It’s like they want to show you how life comes full circle.
When you’re 15, you’re selling the tickets, then you leave.
You go out, you have a family, kids, marriage, career, grandchildren.
Eighty years later, you’re back in the same theater, three feet away, ripping tickets.
Eighty years to move three feet.
Movie—TV
They think we don’
t notice them making these little changes on us, but we do.
Like the TV commercials mixed in with the legitimate previews.
It’s like we’re POWs strapped into theater seats, and they just do whatever they want to us.
It’s a movie theater.
The whole reason you go there is for NOT TV.
You have to park, you have to walk, you have to pay.
I’ll do it.
That’s how bad I want NOT TV.
Then you get there.
Soda commercial. Jeans commercial.
I have that at home!
It’s like going to a restaurant and the waiter says,
“The only thing we have on the menu is exactly what’s in your refrigerator right now.”
“Great.
I’ll have the Cheez-Its, baking soda and some olive jar water.”
Batman Crooks
My car was broken into.
Stole the tape deck.
I don’t know who it was.
I assume it was crooks.
Called the police.
They were of course… shocked.
Everyone says you’re supposed to report these things to the police.
It felt kind of silly.
There’s nothing that can be done about it.
It’s not like Batman, where there’s four crooks in the city
and everybody pretty much knows who they are.
Very few crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for their careers anymore.
It makes them a lot tougher to spot.
“They stole a CD player out of your car?
It could be the Penguin.
I think we’ll be able to round him up.
He’s dressed like a penguin.”
Crook Head Protect
When the cops catch a crook
they hit him with the nightstick.
Get him in a chokehold.
Cuff him behind his back.
But then when they put him in the back of a police car,
they always keep their hand on the top of his head.
“You don’t want to hit your head on the edge of the door, there.
That really hurts.”
Crook Life
I do wonder about the crook life.
Like…
If you’re a crook, how does it feel when you have to pay for something?
Terrible, I would think…
He throws a candy bar on the counter,
“I could’ve stolen that…
Today’s my day off.”
What can two crooks do for fun?
Go bowling?
Who’s going to keep score?
Birthday party?
He gives you a present.
You can’t show it to anyone, it might have been theirs.
Crook Reputation
I have not been to jail.
But I think about jail.
I don’t know why.
I think about how I would fix up my cell.
How many push-ups I would do.
Because I live alone anyway, it’s kind of the same.
I’m in solitary.
Why are these captured hijackers, criminals and mass murderers
always hiding their faces when they’re being taken in?
They got the hoodie up.
The jacket over the head.
What is this man’s reputation that he needs to worry about being recognized?
Is he speed dating?
Is he this close to getting that big corner-office promotion?
Afraid the boss is going to see him on TV?
“Wait a minute…
Isn’t that Johnson from Sales?
Why, he’s skyjacked an EgyptAir 747.
And he’s started throwing bodies out onto the tarmac one by one.
I don’t know if that’s the kind of person we want heading up that new branch office.”
Chalk Outline Guy
Of the many different jobs there are in police work
it seems to me that Chalk Outline Guy is definitely one of the better ones.
It’s not too dangerous, the criminals are long gone.
I don’t know who these guys are.
Maybe they’re people who wanted to be sketch artists but couldn’t draw too well.
“Uh, listen, Johnson, forget the sketches…
Do you think if we left the dead body right there on the sidewalk,
you could manage to trace around it? Could you at least do that?”
I don’t even know how that helps them solve the crime.
They look at the thing on the ground,
“Oh, his arm was over his head when he hit the pavement.
That means the killer must have been… Jim.”
Florida Law
My parents have lived on Long Island most of their lives.
They’re in the process of moving down to Florida now.
They don’t want to move to Florida.
But they’re in their 60s and that’s the law.
After a while they just come and get you.
Florida has Leisure Police.
It’s a golf cart with a siren on top.
“Okay folks, get in the back…
Dad,
white pants, white belt, white shoes.
Let’s go. You’re done.
Drop the snow shovel right there.
I said drop it!”
They like to live in those minimum-security prisons down there.
That’s where they put all the old people.
Why such heavy security?
You pull up to the guard gate booth, the big arm thing comes down in front of your car.
Who is stealing the old people?
What are they worth?
“I got a granny. Let’s go…!”
Old People Drive
I just can’t drive around there.
Old people drive slow, they sit low.
That’s their motto.
The state flag of Florida should be just a steering wheel with a hat and two knuckles on it.
And the left turn signal on from when they left the house that morning.
That’s a legal turn in Florida, by the way.
It’s called an Eventual Left.
You can signal this week,
then turn any following year of your life.
What is the age when old people decide that when they back out of a driveway,
they’re not looking anymore?
You know how they do that?
They just go,
(Looking forward. Puts the car in reverse.)
“Well, I’m old and I’m coming back.
I survived.
Let’s see if you can.”
Parent Ducklings
I definitely feel like I’ve grown up when I go shopping with my parents now.
The roles have begun to reverse.
Suddenly, I’m in charge and they’re completely disorganized, going all over the store.
They’re like little ducklings just wandering everywhere.
My father’s,
“Quack. Quack, quack…”
“Mom, we lost Dad…
He’s 3 stores down.
You want to catch up or should I go get him?”
My mother’s,
“Quack, quack.”
“Dad, we lost Mom.
She’s going off in the other direction.
I’ll try and get her, you wait here.
Please just tell me what is happening?”
You try and cross the street,
“C’mon, Dad, stay up with Mom.
Dad, they have those everywhere—you don’t need to look at that.”
You have to get them in a line.
“Mom? Dad?
Okay, let’s cross here.
Come on, the light is changing.
Both of you, let’s go, let’s go, let’s go.”
“QUACK, QUACK, QUACK, QUACK.”
It makes me crazy.
If they want to go out with me now I take them to a pond, let them paddle around.
I dry them off.
Take them home.
I think they’re a lot happier that way.
Dad Trunks/Fashion Advice
The only thing to do in these places is the pool. My dad was always,
“How about a dip? You want to take a dip?”
I’d try and get out of it.
“I don’t have a bathing suit.”
My dad would go,
“You need trunks?
I got trunks.
Wear my trunks.
You’re in the water. No one will see.”
My dad didn’t wear a bathing suit, he wore trunks.
You never see an old person with a new bathing suit.
I don’t know why.
So I get in the water in this thing, and it’s like floating… around me… somewhere.
Did you ever put on a bathing suit that you don’t even know exactly
where you are inside the bathing suit?
You see somebody you know,
“No, I’m parasailing. I’m just waiting for the boat to come back.”
My parents gave me 3 pieces of fashion advice:
“No one will see.”
“It’s what they’re wearing.”
and
“Today, anything goes.”
Add all that up and you do not look good.
Mom Drives
My mother’s in her 80s.
Lives in Florida.
Still driving.
I know. Crazy.
So, I’ve had her car fitted with a Cataract Windshield.
It’s a one-foot-thick, curved glass, prescription windshield.
Everyone’s head inside the car looks HUGE now.
People think it’s a car full of sports mascots coming down the street.
She loves cruises.
My mother is on one constant cruise.
She takes cruises on land.
She took a cruise to Switzerland last year.
My mother told me she was leaving to take another cruise in two weeks.
I said,
“Where does this one go?”
I swear to god she said,
“I don’t know.”
They just want to go anywhere slowly.
I guess life goes by quickly and at the end you just want to stay under 12 mph.
Is This Anything? Page 9