(touching forehead)
“Not really.”
“Are you going to break up?”
(pushing hair back on head)
“Yeah, we’ve got to break up.
I can’t go any higher on my HEAD.”
Sperm and Egg
The sperm and the egg seem to be role models for how men and women act in real life.
If you could look down at the earth from altitude and watch men behaving on a weekend night,
I think they’d look very much like sperm.
All disorganized,
overly energetic,
awkward,
bumping into their friends,
swimming in the wrong direction.
“I was first.”
“Let me through.”
“You’re on my tail.”
“Hey, this was my spot.”
We’re like the 3 Billion Stooges.
And The Egg is very cool…
“Well, who’s it going to be?
I can divide…
I can wait a month.
Do any of you have it together…?”
Pet Monkey
My next-door neighbor just got a pet monkey.
Now there’s a lot of different animals you can get if you want a pet.
But I would say once you find yourself at the monkey level…
Just have a kid…
You’re soo close.
It’s one more little step.
When you need a pet that can roller skate and smoke cigars, maybe it’s time to think about a family.
It’s not a good pet anyway.
He’s got a leash for it like he’s going to walk it.
You can’t walk a monkey.
Any place a monkey has to be…
They just, “ya” and he’s there.
So the guy tries to walk him and it’s like “ya” he’s on the wall.
“Ya” he’s on your head. He’s on a pole.
There’s so much tension in monkeys.
That face skin is pulled so tight.
When you come that close to being the dominant species on the planet and you don’t make it.
You feel pressure all the time after that.
“I can’t believe how close we were.
We got the thumbs and everything.”
* * *
It’s not like a dog.
A dog is great on a leash.
Total acceptance.
Give it a good yank, his body flips up in the air.
He looks around like,
“I’m sure I had that coming to me for something.
I don’t know what I did.
But I’m a dog, I understand my position.”
Monkeys just look right at you.
I hate when he leaves me alone with it.
Have you ever been alone with a monkey?
You sit there looking at each other eye to eye…
There’s a feeling like,
“Did we go to high school together or something?
You look so familiar…
Did you go out for gymnastics?
I’d remember that.
You would be outstanding at that.”
Date End
How do you say goodbye on a date when you never want to see this person again for the rest of your life?
No matter how much you want to be nice…
Everything you say is a lie.
“See you around…
See you… around.
If I’m around and you’re around I’ll probably see you in that area.
You’ll be around other people, though.
You won’t be around me.
You’ll just be around.”
“Take care now.
Take care…
Now.
Because I’m not going to be taking care of you.
So, take care of yourself.
Starting… now.”
Shower World
I’ve got to take a shower.
I’m not dirty.
I just need that break.
The shower is the only real break you get in life.
When you’re in the shower, it’s like you’ve left the world.
When you’re asleep, they can bother you.
But not when you’re in the shower.
People call on the phone,
other people have to answer…
“Yeah, no…
There’s no way anyone can reach him.
He’s in the shower.
I’m sorry.
There’s nothing anyone can do.”
And when you get out of the shower you’re still not available.
“I’m going to have to call you back.
I just got out of the shower.
Don’t you understand?
I JUST GOT OUT.
I was naked, singing, rubbing myself all over.
I’m not back to reality.
I was living a complete fantasy life.”
Shower Radio
Someone gave me a shower radio as a present.
Great gift.
What better place to dance than naked, on a slick surface, next to a glass door?
The whole point of the shower is nothing matters when you’re in there.
Unless someone flushes a toilet, that matters a great deal.
You ever do that?
There’s a sense of power.
You move this little handle and down the hall 30 feet away, in another room
someone screams like they’re in an electric chair.
It’s like voodoo.
You call people in,
“You know Ed’s in the shower, right?
Watch this, we can control his whole life right from here.”
(pushes handle)
“Aaaaaahh!”
(pushes handle just a little)
“Aa”
It’s a very sensitive control.
I’m Naked
I don’t belong to a health club.
I have a strict limit on the number of naked men I need to see in one day.
Zero is my limit.
When you’re naked anyplace outside your own home,
there is absolutely no mental awareness of anything other than, “I’m naked.”
You walk from the locker to the shower, all you’re thinking is,
“I’m naked. I’m naked. I’m naked. I’m naked.”
You meet someone, you go,
“Hi, I’m naked.
Yes, that’s my name, Naked.
My first name?
Butt.
Butt Naked.”
Actually, for years I’ve never been sure whether it’s butt naked or buck naked.
Some people say “butt,” some people say “buck.”
Buck Naked sounds like some nude rodeo cowboy or something.
“Howdy, I’m Buck Naked.
Have you seen my clothes?
I just finished riding and I’d like to put my pants back on.
I left them hanging over the fence.
If this is somebody’s idea of a joke I don’t think it’s very funny.”
Women Try On
When women shop, they don’t try on clothes.
They get BEHIND clothes.
They leave it on the hanger.
Hold in the waist.
Cock the head.
And stick one leg WAY out.
They need to know,
“If someday I’m one-legged living on a planet at a 45-degree angle,
what am I going to wear?”
I’ve never seen a man put his head in the neck of a suit and go,
“Yeah, this is perfect, I’ll take this suit.
Wait, let me see how it looks when I’m dancing.
Put some shoes at the bottom of the pants.
Okay. Now,
move the shoes
move the shoes
move—the—shoes…”
The Chicks and the Checks
I’m in the supermarket.
There are two women in front of me on the checkout line.
And I like that because it is, after all,
the “Checkout” line.
So one of them, her total was $3,
the other one $8.
They both of course choose to pay by the use of the… check.
And you know how you are on the supermarket line anyway…
You see the person in front of you pull out a check and you’re…
(“Oh my god”… face)
Have you noticed that women write out a lot more checks than men?
Where is your money?
You have automobiles.
You’re all always wearing nice shoes.
There must be SOME money somewhere.
Where is it?
Ladies, if you don’t have 3 dollars, do not go out of the house.
But the fact is,
if it’s a woman in front of you using the check,
you will not be waiting long.
Because women write out so many checks,
they are so fluent in the check writing process…
It’s like two seconds, and they’re out of there.
The checkbook is the one thing in their purse they can find immediately.
Most difficult thing for women to find in their purse?
Keys.
No idea where the keys are.
They just keep digging around. In there…
They end up having to dump the bag out on the floor…
(raking motion)
Rake through it.
But the checkbook, they got that.
That comes out of a holster.
(quick draw from holster)
“Who do I make it out to?”
“Here’s my I.D.”
They don’t have to ask the date.
They know it.
They’ve already written 6 checks that morning.
You don’t see men doing that.
Men are like,
“… Hang on a second.
I’m trying to get the perforation started.
I DON’T WANT TO RIP IT.
It’s the first check in the book.
If I rip it, there’ll be this little triangle of paper hanging down and I’ll have to look at that for three months.”
Men don’t like checks.
Men like cash.
Money.
“I have money.
This is money right here.
I made this money and I’m directly associated with it.
You need more, no problem.”
(peeling off a roll)
A check is a very emasculating experience.
It’s like a note from your mother.
That says,
“I don’t have any money,
but if you contact these people…
I’m sure they’ll stick up for me.
I really don’t understand how this works.
You see, I gave my money to these people here…
(points to check)
And they gave me these…
(looks sheepish)
I put my name on it.
And the amount of money that I wish I had.
Is that worth anything at all?”
You have to beg this guy to take the check.
Small stores always like to have bad checks very proudly displayed on the wall behind the register.
Like this proves them right about something.
“You see?
You can’t trust people.
Oh, I tried to trust people.
Look at what happened.”
And even if he takes the check and trusts you.
How much do you trust him in return?
Not very much.
Because when you write out the check
After the dollar amount,
you always put that long line all the way down to the end,
so he can’t write in,
“And 100 million dollars too!”
If they can write it in, I think the law is
I have to pay that.
Men’s Physical World
The man’s world is the physical world.
Men like building, fixing and working on things.
Or being around other men that are building, fixing or working on things.
Men must control and dominate physical things.
Because we know that women are pretty much controlling everything else.
Ever see how if one man is doing some kind of job with tools out in his driveway
other men in the neighborhood are magnetically drawn to it?
They look through the drapes,
“I think Jim’s working on something over there… I better get over there.”
Men hear the sound of the drill, it’s like a dog whistle.
“Whhhrrr… (head cock–turn)”
They just start wandering up like zombies.
They don’t help the guy.
They don’t want to do any work.
We just want to be in the area where work is being done.
Asking stupid questions like,
“What are you using, a Phillips head there?
That’s a good screwdriver, the Phillips.”
That’s why construction sites have to have those wood panel fences around it.
Just to keep the men out.
They cut those little holes for us.
So we can stick our heads in and see what the hell’s going on.
Talk to other men that have stuck their heads in.
“Is that a Phillips down there?”
“Yeah, looks like he’s using a Phillips.”
Superhero Men
Women,
the thing you’ve got to understand about men is,
men think we can accomplish virtually anything of a physical nature that needs to be done.
Every man secretly believes inside his own mind
that he is a low-level superhero.
This is the true inner nature of men.
I’m not even really supposed to be telling you this.
When men are growing up and we’re reading about Batman, Superman, Spider-Man.
These are not fantasies to us.
These are our options.
All men think,
“If I had to swing from a rope.
Crash through a window.
And beat up a room full of bad guys.
I would probably somehow be able to do it.
In the meantime, I’m going to straighten up the garage.
Because that’s pretty important too.”
You ever see a guy with a mattress on the roof of his car, driving down the highway?
Without fail, he’s got his hand out the window, holding the mattress.
This is classic, male, idiot superhero thinking.
This moron believes that if the wind catches this huge rectangle at 70 mph,
“I got it. I got it…
I am using MY ARM.”
Men’s Minds
Men love looking at women.
We think, “We don’t understand them.
We better keep an eye on them.”
* * *
I know I will not understand women.
I know I will never be able to understand how a woman can take boiling hot wax,
pour it on her upper thighs, rip the hair out by the root.
And still be afraid of a spider.
I’m not spending any more time working on that.
And I know women don’t understand men.
I know there are women that are looking at me right now going,
“I wonder what goes on in that little brain of his?
I bet you I could manipulate that brain.”
I bet you could.
Men spend half our lives walking down the street going,
“Hey, there’s a couple of girls.”
“What are they doing?”
“I don’t know…”
“Did you see that other girl?”
“No, I missed her.”
“Ooooohhhh.”
I don’t know what that sound means but it is one of our highest ratings.
And I’m sure women probably wonder,
“What are men thinking anyway?”
You really want to know what men are thinking?
Because I can tell you what men are thinking.
You know what we’re thinking?
Nothing.
We’re not thinking anything.
Not a god damned thing.
We’re thinking,
“We want women.”
That’s it.
That is the only clear thought any of us has ever had our entire lives.
The next step after that, we have absolutely no idea what to do about it.
That’s why we’re honking car horns, making kissing noises out the window.
These are the best ideas we’ve had so far.
We’re trying to come up with some new programs but it’s not easy when your mind’s a blank.
The car horn honk is really the unbelievable one to me.
We’ve all seen this.
What do you expect the woman to do?
Kick off the heels, start running after the car?
Finally catch it.
“Excuse me, was that for me?
Well, it’s a good thing you honked.
I had no idea how you felt.”
* * *
Why do men behave in these ways?
Why are we rude, obnoxious, getting drunk,
falling down, peeling rubber, making kissing noises out the window?
Why are we like this?
I know what you ladies are thinking.
“No, not my guy. I’m working with him, he’s coming along.”
No, he’s not.
He’s not coming anywhere.
We men know, no matter how poorly we behave,
it seems we will somehow end up with women anyway.
Look around this room.
Look at all the men you see with lovely women.
Do you think these are special men?
Gifted men?
One-of-a-kind men?
No.
They’re the same jerks and idiots that I’m talking about.
They’re doing just fine.
Men, as an organization, are getting more women
than any other group working anywhere in the world today.
Wherever women are, we have men looking into the situation right now.
We explored the Earth looking for women.
Is This Anything? Page 12