by KL Donn
Frozen in shock and a slight amount of fear, she didn’t move. “I think I like this,” Linc whispered into her chest. Nibbling on the side of her breast, she squealed as the new sensation hit her.
“Did they hurt, Linc?” she asked as an idea formed in her mind about getting her own to cover some of the more prominent scars on her body. She could practically picture a vine of lilies along her body, wrapping and weaving, making her scars beautiful again.
“Not really,” he told her as he laid gentle kisses all around her nipple.
Lost in pleasure, she quickly forgot the tattoos and closed her eyes, moaning in the pleasure quickly consuming her mind and body. She’d never felt anything like it. It was overwhelming. The intensity of it overrode any fears she might have had.
The light touches, the gentle kisses… they took her to a plane of pleasure she had only ever read about. The way they worshipped her body left her breathless.
Feeling Creed’s lips gently descend in a straight line down her spine had her panting and wanting more. The way she felt was something she wished she could hold onto for the rest of her life, and she figured if she let them have their way they’d leave her breathless and in a haze of pleasure every day.
“Creed?” She half moaned, half questioned as he got to the base of her spine and started pulling her leggings down. She could feel all of her fears fighting to break free. The pain was trying to consume her.
“Won’t ever do something you don’t want, Sunshine,” he told her, alleviating some of her fears but not all of them. “Just taking off your pants.” Nodding her head, she closed her eyes trying to get the pleasurable feelings back instead of the near mind-numbing fear that was threatening to consume her.
“Talk to us, Sunshine. You’re tense. We can and will stop whenever you like,” Linc whispered against her neck as Creed started to rub along her sides.
Abject fear was a brutal mood killer. Her disappointment was crushing; she could only imagine how they were feeling. She thought she was ready to be intimate with them. She trusted them with her body, her scars, in ways she’d never trusted anyone before. And she’d been with them all the way until Creed had gone near her butt. Then the tremors came back, the pain, the brutality of it all. It was right there in the forefront of her mind.
Now, to help them understand, even though she was fairly certain they understood her far more than she did herself. “I don’t… I mean… I was…” She didn’t know how to continue, to share her experience without saying the words that burned in her gut like a raging fire.
“Talk to us Ken, say the words,” Creed pushed.
She looked at his handsome face, strong jaw, soft lips, and compassionate eyes. Oh, how she wanted to tell them all of her fears. How the thought of taking them both in her body was terrifying for more reasons than they might think. How she feared she was broken beyond repair. And her biggest fear— that once they realized just how broken she was, they’d leave and find her unworthy of their time or energy.
“I wish I weren’t so broken for you,” she whispered, closing her eyes at the confession. “I wish I could give you everything you want in a woman, but I’m afraid I’m lacking. The thought of taking you both terrifies me,” she confessed.
“Oh darlin’, we would never ask you to take us both until you were ready,” Linc told her with a soft smile.
She believed them, she really did, but they didn’t understand. No one did. It was horrifying to have to explain why she was scared. She’d never said the words of what was done to her out loud. The doctors only knew because she’d been unconscious when they’d initially examined her. But telling someone, forcing the words out, was a whole other ball game she wasn’t sure she was ready for.
“I don’t doubt you, either of you,” she tried to find the words for them so they could comprehend her fears. “It’s just that… Arrr, why is this so hard?” Her panic was rising so fast; she could almost taste it.
Getting off Linc’s lap, she grabbed the afghan from the back of the couch and wrapped it around herself like a cocoon. She needed them to know exactly how she was raped. That it wasn’t in the way they probably assumed; the way anyone assumed.
Walking to the window, she watched the birds flying and swooping down into the sea for their next meal, knowing just how the fish felt as they were drug from the only safety they’d known. Left floundering out of the water about to be consumed.
Closing her eyes, she pressed her forehead to the window and tried to voice her trauma. “You know the extent of my injuries, right? When you found me? I mean someone told you what had happened, right?”
Not looking to see if they were listening she continued on, needing to get it all out at once or she’d chicken out and her secret would never be revealed. “I wasn’t raped. Not in the way everyone seems to think.”
“But the doctors said…” Creed had tried to express before she interrupted. “I was, Creed, but not in the conventional way. It was so much worse than what everyone believes. God, the way he forced that… that… I don’t even know what it was,” she laughed humorlessly. “I just know that it hurt like hell. But he was so much crueler than you could ever imagine.”
“Kennedy…” Linc’s voice was filled with pain for her.
Looking at them, she was bowled over at the emotion displayed on their faces. It wasn’t pity like she feared, but empathy. As if they actually understood her pain. Seeing it gave her the strength to continue on. “When people think rape, their minds automatically go to forced sex, right? All neat and tied up in a bow. They don’t think of other ways a woman can be violated so viciously. They seem to forget there are other ways to be raped, other parts of the body.” She had to stop and catch her breath. The tears were flowing heavily down her cheeks, her head was pounding, and she was fighting to continue. “I fought so hard, you have to know that. But I was trapped and he was so much stronger, and her laughter was ringing through the room like it was some big joke. Like I was some big joke.”
“We know, baby; God, do we know. You’re so strong. So much stronger than either of them ever realized,” Creed told her so convincingly that she almost believed him. But he was wrong, she wasn’t strong; she was this scared, scarred, broken little girl who couldn’t even give herself to the men she was coming to care so deeply for.
·٠•● ●•٠·
He didn’t want to hear it. No, that’s not true. He didn’t want her to relive it. She was struggling to tell them something they’d already suspected, but getting the words out, telling someone, would be cathartic for her. She needed someone else to know her secrets, to carry her burdens for her.
Creed was at a loss as whether to let her continue on with her pain or to tell her they understood the agony she went through, the pain she endured on a daily basis. Knowing what she needed and giving it to her were vastly different things that nearly brought him to his knees.
He could see the pain she was in vibrating through her body. It was in the tense set of her shoulders, the shadows under her eyes, the way she fidgeted almost hopping from foot to foot. Linc wasn’t helping his own nerves any either. Every tear she shed, he would flex his hands as if he was about to pound someone into the ground.
They all had their demons to banish, but hers were so much worse than he’d imagined. Having the scars on her body as a daily reminder, living in her head for so long by herself before they came to Italy, all of it was compounding into something that was ready to implode on them all. He felt helpless to stop it, but they’d asked for her to open up to them, to let them in, so they could share her pain and help her heal.
When she started to speak again, she had a blank look in her eyes that worried him. “He got pleasure from seeing my pain. Inflicting it. It was like a drug to him. He got this glazed look in his eyes that I didn’t understand at first. Not until he breached me, forced his way in.” Pausing to clear her throat he was left on tenterhooks knowing what was coming but waiting for it nevertheless. “He had this
He couldn’t take it anymore and from the look on Linc’s face, he didn’t think his brother could either. Getting up, they walked to her. Holding her between them. Creed pulled her to his chest where she buried her face against him taking a deep breath while Linc rubbed soothing circles all along her back and laid gentle kisses across her shoulders as she shattered between them.
“He raped me with a wooden object, Creed. It hurt so fucking bad,” she cried out.
“Sshh.” He tried to soothe.
“But that’s not even the worst part,” she whispered in a broken voice. “He forced it inside me, inside my butt. Oh, God.” She cried once her deepest secret was out, and even though they knew it was coming, he and Linc shared a look of disbelief and pain for her.
·٠•● ●•٠·
Linc was madder and sadder than he’d ever been in his life. The pain she went through, was still going through, penetrated his soul and made him feel every ounce of hurt she did. He understood far more of what she was telling them than even she did. The pain that resided inside her was worse than what she felt at the hands of those sickos. Now, she was terrified that she would always feel that pain, and it was their job to show her differently.
When she pulled back from Creed’s chest, he cradled her to him leaning her back against his front so she could feel every beat of his heart because every strong beat was meant for her.
“Because of them, I can’t even stand to be touched by my parents. The people who love me most in the world, who protected me, gave me love, can’t even touch me because it burns. It’s like the whip cracking against my skin again.”
“What do you feel when we touch you, Sunshine?” Linc wondered, terrified they were hurting her by trying to love her.
“On the surface it burns. On the inside it soothes.” She sobbed and he got it. More than ever he understood what she was feeling. The need for human touch without the knowledge of what it felt like before was what allowed them to be near her.
Looking to his brother, Linc saw the understanding reflected back at him as they held her while she cried for her loss. Wrapping his arms around her, he held on tightly. Holding her felt like both heaven and hell… Heaven because she was in his arms where he could keep her safe and chase her demons away. Hell because being in his arms brought her demons forth. No matter how much she denied it, he knew without a doubt her skin crawled at his touch. Her mind blanked any pleasure they could have given her and her body vibrated with disgust.
“Tighter, Lincoln. Hold me tighter,” she begged him.
“I got you, Sunshine,” he promised hoping he did.
“One day, Kennedy. One day you’ll get it all back. You won’t be who you used to be but you’ll be stronger, wiser, and have a new appreciation for how much you are loved,” Creed whispered in her ear.
Feeling her sag between them, he looked down to see her watching them with a new light in her eyes. Hope. She was a beacon of hope in that moment. Smiling at her he placed a gentle kiss on her cheek before asking, “You ready for some rest, Sunshine?”
“Will you stay with me?” she asked looking between them. “Both of you?”
“Always, Sunshine.” Creed smiled softly down at her.
“Forever,” he told her meaning it.
Thirteen
It had been two nights since Kennedy tried to be intimate with Linc and Creed, and since then they’d shown her such compassion and friendship. Friendship she desperately needed. She realized how much fun it could be to have friends again. To trust again.
They’d told her as much as they could about their work. They were government agents; they did the dirty jobs the US military couldn’t for one reason or another. They couldn’t tell her what exactly they did just that it required them to travel more often than not. She was oddly proud of them; they fought for what was right in the world, saved the good guy and protected the innocent. To her nothing was more attractive than a selfless man.
They, of course, tried to tell her that they weren’t selfless. They took money, killed people, albeit bad people, but to them they were still living beings regardless of what their bosses said. To her they were risking their lives, and that was more selfless than anything.
Today was the day she was to see Dr. Schroder. He’d promised to give her names of some well-known and caring therapists back in Texas, but she was nervous. It felt like a final goodbye, like she was leaving and she wasn’t sure if she was ready to face reality again. Even if she knew she had to.
While she went to her appointment, the guys had gone for a run on the beach saying they wanted to take in as much of the Mediterranean as possible before they went home. She was terrified they thought she was ready to face this head-on. How could they know when she wasn’t even sure about it herself?
Shaking off the confusing thoughts, she grabbed her car keys and was opening the door just as Deedee was about to knock, nearly knocking on her forehead. “Hi, Ken!” she said in a chipper voice.
“Dee?” she questioned because her friend was not known for being up this early, nor this happy without a serious amount of caffeine in her system, and she didn’t seem too jumpy yet so she couldn’t have had more than a cup or two.
“I’m finally going home, Kenny.” She sounded so enthusiastic about it.
“Home?” She was beginning to sound like a parrot.
“Dublin.” Dee’s placating smile told her she should have known that.
“Umm, you’ve never told me where you were from, Dee.” She was beginning to get more and more confused by the second.
“Right. Well, I’m Irish and from Dublin.”
“Picking up on that, Dee. What I don’t get is what the heck is going on?” she asked feeling exasperated.
“Too much to explain to you right now, but I’m leaving tonight. You going to Florence now?”
The change in topic wasn’t confusing at all, she thought sarcastically. “Tonight?” Parroting again, Kenny?
“Yeah, my ma needs me at home, and it’s time,” Dee told her with a sad smile.
There was more going on that her friend was keeping from her. Luckily for Dee, she didn’t have time to get to the bottom of it. “So you came to say goodbye?”
“I couldn’t leave without knowing you’re ok or, at least, going to be,” she told Kenny softly, her face full of concern.
“I will be, Dee. Thanks in part to your friendship. You’ll stay in touch, right?” She hoped she would anyway.
“Promise!” Dee crossed her heart and leaned in for a hug before stopping at the last second remembering how much Kenny hated to be touched.
Taking a deep breath, she pushed past the burn and pulled Dee in the rest of the way, letting her know without words how much their friendship meant to her. “Take care, Dee,” she whispered.
“You too, Kennedy.” Smiling at her, Dee was off and running back to her home while Kenny was left feeling far more emotional than she anticipated at the departure of her friend.
Getting in her car, she started her journey to Florence once again. Lost in thoughts of what else she didn’t know of Deedee’s life, she found herself at the doctor’s before it registered that she was there. Full of more questions than answers, she hoped Dee would keep her promise of staying in touch.
“Good morning, Miss Maxwell,” Dr. Schroder greeted her like usual. “No sketch pad today?” he asked noticing her hands empty except for her small purse.
“I thought maybe today we could talk.” She could see her answer seemed to stun him.
“Yes, of course.”
Leading her into his office, she went to her usual spot on the couch by the window while he went behind his desk, watching her.
“There’s something different about you today, Kennedy. I can’t quite put my finger on it.”
“I’m homesick,” she stated realizing just how true it was. She missed her family fiercely.
“Are you ready to go home?”
“I’m not sure. Sometimes I think about it and excitement will fill me. Then there’re these other times where I’ll be filled with panic at the thought of leaving to go anywhere. I miss my family so much, though.” She tried to explain her confusing feelings about going back home.
“The panic you feel, is it a nervous panic or fearful one?” He tilted his head in question.
“Is there a difference?” she asked seriously.
“A big one,” he told her. “If what you feel is fear then you still have some things to work on. Now I’m not saying don’t go home, but maybe examine just what you’re afraid of a little more. If you’re nervous, then I would say you’re ready. You left in a highly emotional time in your life; an extremely painful one too. Your nerves have every right to be showing themselves at the thought of seeing the people who have only ever known the old you.”
“What if I can’t handle it?” She worried.
“Then I would say try talking to someone from home and see which panic you’re feeling. Don’t force yourself to do something you’re not ready for; it will only hurt you in the end.”
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