His breath tripped, caught in his throat. He cupped her cheek and managed to say, “And you should. Don’t ever settle for anything less.”
“You did.”
Jesus Christ. What to say to that? His chest felt tight, his heart falling to his stomach. “Yes,” he finally admitted in a rough whisper. “But Roisin… your mother and I love you and your brothers with all our hearts. I… I have some regrets. I’m sure your mum does too. But the one thing I know I can speak for her on is this: we don’t regret having you three.” He desperately needed her to understand. If she didn’t, he’d failed as a parent. “You know that, don’t you? Tell me you do.”
“Of course. I’ve never felt unloved or unwanted. It’s you two… it just makes me sad.” She gazed up at him for a long beat, then said, “My heart aches for you, Da.”
His heart squeezed like someone had thrown it into a vise. He tried to swallow down the lump that’d all but closed his throat, but he couldn’t.
The front door opened. Trish looked at them. “Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt. Thought I heard voices, just wanted to check.”
Colin nodded at her, cleared his throat hard, then kissed his daughter’s head once more. “Great seeing you. Text me, kid.”
“I will. Maybe I’ll even call you.” Roisin grinned mischievously. “If I get bored.”
“Rotten, you are.” He winked and chuckled. “See you soon.” He nodded at his ex-wife. “Trish.”
“Take care,” she said plainly.
He turned and walked back to his car. Emotion rushed through him, turning his skull into a vessel for white noise and his heart into a heavy drum. All the way home, he replayed the conversation with his daughter in his head. When had she gotten so insightful, so mature? How could he have deluded himself into thinking his kids hadn’t seen his and Trish’s relationship for what it was?
My heart aches for you, Da.
He didn’t want his child to feel sorry for him. And he didn’t want her, or any of them, to follow in his footsteps and settle for less in life, on any front. But he hadn’t set a very good example, had he.
Yes, he’d done the honorable thing, from when he was a wee boy. Being the oldest son made him feel he had the McKinnon name to uphold, and his parents hadn’t told him any different. Doing the honorable thing, the ‘right thing,’ was woven into his DNA, through the threads of his very core. But what was the point of doing the right thing if it left everyone feeling trapped, drained, or unhappy?
The honorable thing wasn’t always what was best, or even right.
He punched the steering wheel. It was easy to look back with clear hindsight, wasn’t it? His choices were made, his life sealed. Damn it all to hell, he wanted better for his kids. But how could he tell his kids not to settle for less when he’d done just that, and they knew it?
With a heavy heart, he parked the car, cut the engine, and sat quietly. He couldn’t change the past. But maybe he could still show them that it was never too late to follow your dreams. Not even dating, but doing other things. Maybe they’d be impressed with him reaching for new goals, striving to do more and be better, later in life. Maybe it was time to start living again, for a million reasons.
And not just for his kids, though that was a bloody good reason. But for himself.
Chapter Five
Maggie smiled as she looked at the scenery passing by. Kissing the famous Blarney Stone had been amusing, and the castle and its gardens had been wonderful to see, but the lush rolling hills of the Irish countryside were much more captivating. Deep shades of green as far as she could see, under the glare of a cloudy sky that barely hid the sun… ancient stone walls, sheep dotting the greens… it was magnificent. This land spoke to her very soul.
“God, I do love Ireland,” she breathed.
“That’s good to hear,” Colin said at her side. “Seeing as you’re here and all.”
She quirked a grin at his snarky tone. “Wise-ass.”
He grinned back.
She nudged his side with her elbow and buttoned up her new purchase. She only allowed herself one or two souvenirs from each destination. If she got more than that, she’d have to carry them around, and no way was that happening. As it was, she had everything she needed able to go into one wheeled suitcase and her backpack. On the occasions when something special or large in size utterly grabbed her, she’d buy it and have it shipped to her parents in Ohio for safekeeping. They said they didn’t mind and stored all her packages in her old room, now a converted guest room. One day, she’d have to go back there and claim the treasures from around the world waiting for her.
But this time, she not only couldn’t resist this purchase, but had planned on it. Her fleece-lined hoodie was starting to look worn; time to donate it to charity. She ran her hands over the thick wool of her new hooded cardigan. The Aran sweater was superbly made, and the deep shade of blue was gorgeous. This would be her main Ireland souvenir, but continue to keep her warm and stylish wherever she went.
“You really love that,” Colin noted, watching her all but nuzzle herself as her hands trailed over her own arms.
“I do. It’s wonderful.”
“The color suits you.”
“Thanks.” She held up her forearm to his jawline. “It’d look even better on you. Sets off your amazing eyes.”
He let out a low chuckle and looked away with a bashful grin. “Sweet talker.”
The small bus hit a bump in the road as it traveled over the dirt road to Cork, sending her hard against his side. He instinctively clutched her knee, protective, before meeting her eyes and releasing her.
He went back to gazing out the window. She gazed at him. Her eyes ran over every feature of his handsome face. Something had changed in the past few days, a small but noticeable shift. His demeanor since meeting her yesterday at the museum, and today too… he’d been not as guarded. Even, perhaps, openly glad to be with her.
At the museum cafeteria, he’d asked where she was off to for the weekend, and she’d told him about her planned trip to Blarney Castle. That she’d take a sightseeing tour from there to Cork, roam the city and stay at a small inn overnight, then go on to Cobh before heading back to Dublin on Sunday evening. She figured as soon as he heard the word “Blarney,” he’d roll his eyes and grouse about how cliché it was to go there. But to her surprise, he’d asked, “Mind some company?”
“Really?” She hadn’t bothered to stamp down her smile. “You’d want to go with me on such a tourist trap day trip?”
“I haven’t been in a long time. Took my kids when they were wee. Now, going with a Yank… could be interesting.” He shrugged and added, “Besides, I have the time off if I want. I keep hearing I need to get out more. I’m thinking it’s time I did.”
His eyes had revealed more beyond his words. He genuinely wanted to go. Whether to be with her, or just to get out of town for a short time, she wasn’t sure. She didn’t care. He wanted to do something and was vocalizing it, taking an action. She was almost oddly proud of him. “I’d love for you to join me,” she said. “I’ll change the reservation at the inn, get a second room.”
“I’ll pay whatever’s my share—the inn, the tour, any of it. That goes without saying.”
“All right. You’re on.”
He’d even gone out with her that night to shoot pool. They’d relaxed and enjoyed themselves. It almost felt like a date. But at the end of the night, she only gave him a light peck on the cheek, sensing he wasn’t ready or willing for more than that.
And here they were, having spent the morning together strolling the iconic grounds of Blarney Castle. He hadn’t laughed at her as she took a million pictures and notes. He’d even helped hold her as she’d had to twist and lean down backward to kiss the Blarney Stone; it was an awkward angle to reach it, harder than people knew.
She’d done it before, of course. Dublin had been the second city on that very first trip after graduation. Zack had held her as she’d reached down. She rememb
ered how they’d laughed so hard…
Maggie had been back to Ireland since that first trip, several times, but not to Blarney. Making new memories here was good. Doing it with someone pleasant like Colin was a great way. It didn’t take away from her memories of being there with Zack, but also didn’t let her get choked up by nostalgia as she enjoyed the here and now.
She did enjoy being with Colin. He didn’t crowd her, but was a solid presence, steady and sure. He didn’t judge her ways of working, be it taking so many pictures or jotting down notes or asking tour guides a million questions. He just trailed her silently, those blue eyes bright with interest as he watched her. He was intelligent, courteous, dryly witty. Still cool on the outside, but he was slowly thawing. Colin was actually a sweetheart of a man who tried to hide it behind scowly grunts, frowns, and short but clever comments. She was on to him, whether he knew it or not.
And he smelled really good. She’d noticed that, too. The combo made her head swim: the faintest trace of something woodsy and soap and a masculine element that was all Colin. Sitting this close, bunched together on the seat in the old bus, she inhaled, and it made her mouth water. She wanted to lick him. Trail her tongue right up the strong column of his throat and breathe him in, nibble her way along his neck…
As if he sensed her increasingly wicked thoughts, he turned his head and met her eyes. Busted, she blushed a bit but grinned.
He gazed back, those intense marine eyes boring into hers. Desire shimmered through her, a rush of pure heat. Finally the corners of his full mouth lifted in a sexy little smirk. As if he’d read her lascivious mind. Her panties instantly got damp.
God help her, he turned her on.
Maybe she’d have to do something about that, she mused. She was pretty sure he never would. Too uptight, too reluctant, and too much of a gentleman. It would have to come from her. When and if the opportunity presented itself, she would go for it.
*
After a long walk through the streets of Cork, they decided to have dinner in a small pub in the center of town. Classic 70s rock music played as they slid into a booth and perused their menus. Maggie snapped a few pictures, then plugged her phone into what looked like a small brick, what Colin realized was a portable battery.
She usually talked much more than he did. She was outgoing to the point of gregarious, and combined with natural curiosity about whoever she was with or where she was. He thought she would have made quite the investigative reporter if she wasn’t doing the travel thing. She had a way of drawing him out of himself, getting him to talk when he didn’t think he had anything to say. He wasn’t totally comfortable with that… but it also secretly amused and delighted him.
No one had been curious to hear his thoughts on much for a long time. It more than flattered him; it made him want to be more open with her, and okay with that.
The server came to take their orders. Maggie ordered shepherd’s pie. Colin was famished and ordered a hearty steak dinner, with sides of roasted vegetables and homemade onion rings.
“Oh man. Wait, I changed my mind,” Maggie said to the young man. “That sounds amazing. I’ll have the same.”
“Very good, lass,” the server said as he jotted it down.
“And a whiskey, please,” she said. “Tullamore Dew, if you have it.”
“Of course.”
Colin lifted a brow. “The hard stuff tonight?”
“When in Rome…” She grinned. “Join me?”
“Sure,” he said. “Make it two.”
Her words from days before echoed in his head. I only tie one on in safe places, with safe people. That meant she truly felt safe with him, and he had to admit, he liked that.
“Goin’ to get drunk on me?” he asked, unable to help himself.
“Stupid drunk? No,” she said with a chuckle. “Comfortably toasty, yes. The inn is only, what, two blocks from here? You’ll walk me home, then right up to my room. I’ve got a lock on the door, and your room is just down the hall. If I screamed, you’d be able to hear me. So, I’ll be safe and fine. Those are all acceptable circumstances.”
The fading sunlight streamed through the window and lit the side of her pretty face, then hit her wedding band, glinting off the gold. He wondered what she’d been like when she was married, had a traveling companion at her side, not having to consider even the smallest details. Even freer than she seemed now… “It must be hard, having to think about your safety all the time.”
She shrugged, but her expression showed she mulled over his words before answering. “It’s just second nature to me now, so it’s not hard. It just is.”
“Traveling the world on your own, male or female, is no easy thing. But as a woman… there are so many extra precautions.” Colin nodded at the server in thanks as he set down their drinks. “You seem to be very smart about all that, and I admire it. But it’s a shame you have to be that careful in the first place. It just… I think you know what I’m trying to say.”
“I do. But that’s reality, my new friend.” She clinked her glass to his. “To a lovely day, and to you joining me for it. I think you’re having fun in spite of yourself.”
He chuckled low but didn’t disagree. “Sláinte.” The whiskey burned a trail of welcome warmth down his throat. “Ah, that’s good.”
“It is.” She smiled at him, then took another sip. “Can I show you something? Don’t want to freak you out, but maybe it’ll make you feel better.”
His brows furrowed instantly. “I suppose…”
Her grin widened at his reticence. She sat up a bit straighter, dug into the front pocket of her jeans, and pulled something out. She placed it on the table before him.
He realized it was a pocketknife. Puzzled, he looked at it for a long beat, then back up at her.
“You’re not allowed to fly with weapons,” she said. “So every time I get to a new place, I find a store on my first day and buy a new pocketknife. I keep it as long as I’m able. Then I give it away to someone on my way to the airport for my next flight. Buy a new one when I land.”
He took another swallow of whiskey.
“I told you the kinds of self-defense I’ve learned. Picked up things in different places. I’m no ninja, but I can put up a damn good fight if someone tries something.” She reached for the knife and put it back in her pocket. “And I always have one of these, either on my body, or at night, under my pillow.”
“What happened to you?” Colin asked softly.
“I’m okay, but yeah, things have happened.” She spoke a little faster, as if steamrolling over the heart of what he’d asked was too much so she’d just talk over it. “I just don’t want you to be worried about me, as sweet as that is. I’m showing you, telling you, that I’m as prepared as I can be. I’m proactive.”
“What happened to you?” He repeated the question, even gentler this time.
She paused, the look of assurance shifting into one of ambivalence. “You don’t want to hear my war stories.”
“Actually, I think I do.”
She blinked, meeting his direct gaze. She took another sip of whiskey. “I’ve been traveling by myself for four and a half years now. I’ve been mugged twice, threatened countless times, and there were four separate attempted rapes.”
Colin’s skin went clammy, the shiver that skittered over him going bone deep. But before he could respond, she barreled on, “Attempted. That’s the key word, Colin. I’m fine.”
He shook his head, fumbling for the right words.
“Jesus, you went pale. You dear, sweet man.” She reached across the table and covered his hand with hers. “The first time, I was so shaken, I hid in my hotel room for two days after, afraid to go out. I almost gave it all up right then. Realized that traveling the world alone, as a woman, was probably a stupid, reckless thing to do.” She squeezed his hand before drawing it back. “Then I heard Zack’s voice in my head. ‘My girl ain’t a quitter.’ That’s what he would’ve said. And besides… where would I have
gone? Without Zack, I didn’t have a home to go to. So… I finally left my hotel, and went right to a nearby gym that offered boxing lessons. By the end of the day, I was punching a bag, and feeling a lot better.”
She was such a fighter. A born fighter. “I admire your strength,” Colin finally said. “More so than even before.”
“Well, thanks, but that’s not why I brought any of this up. I just wanted you to know I take care of myself as best I can. I won’t let idiots stop me from living my life.”
“As you shouldn’t.” Colin was shaken, and he wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was as simple as it was the thought of Maggie having to fend off an attacker, much less multiple times. Maybe it was something more, but he wasn’t sure what. Either way, imagining any man harming her made his blood boil.
“Do you know why I always wear my hair in a ponytail?” she asked.
Thrown by the random change of subject, he only shook his head.
“Because sometimes I go months and months without getting my hair cut, so this is the best way. And because it’s easy.” She leaned in on her elbows. “You okay?”
“I…” He gazed at her, still feeling his blood pulse in his veins.
“Stop it.” Her eyes narrowed on him. “You’re picturing it. Me being attacked. It’s all over your face. I’m right, right?”
He nodded. “It’s just… I’m horrified for you.”
“Thanks for that, but look at me,” she commanded. “I’m fine. So stop it. Okay?”
He nodded again, blowing out a long breath before knocking back a gulp of whiskey. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be. You’re sweet.”
He groaned at that, shaking his head.
“You are,” she insisted, smiling at his obvious discomfort from her compliment. “I see it more every time we hang out. And especially when you talk about your kids.”
“Well… they’re my kids.”
“Well, hate to tell you, but I’ve met plenty of men who don’t light up when they talk about their kids. You don’t light up about most things, but you do about them.” She leaned back as the server moved in with their entrees, placing their dishes in front of them. Aromas sent from heaven wafted in the air. Colin stole one more sip of his drink as the server said, “Enjoy yer meals.”
Love in Dublin Page 6