“Sounds grand.” He opened his mouth as if to say something, then clamped his lips shut and shook his head. With a sheepish grin, he opened the door with his free hand. “Let’s both get to work, then. See you soon.” He closed the door gently behind him.
Still smiling to herself, enjoying her luscious cloud of morning-after delight, Maggie went to take a shower and start the rest of her day.
Chapter Eleven
Maggie had enjoyed an afternoon at the Dublin Zoo, a way to change things up. It was the first time the sun had come out all week, since she’d returned to Dublin after the Cliffs of Moher. She wanted—needed—to be outside in the sunshine. The zoo had been fairly crowded for a Thursday, it was a lovely place, and a nice reprieve from dark, old stone buildings filled with ghosts of the long gone. It was filled with life.
She got back to her flat just after four and decided on taking a quick shower before heading down to the pub, in case Colin was there tonight. In case he wanted to go home with her. She hoped he did. Thinking back on the week, the loopy, besotted smile that usually accompanied thoughts of him bloomed on her face.
Monday, she’d had dinner with Ciara. Tuesday, she’d found him at the pub, scribbling away in his notebook. They’d had a pint and she’d invited him back to her flat. The eager look in his eyes combined with the low murmur of his acceptance had gotten her nerves tingling and her blood racing in an instant. God help her, he turned her on in every way. They’d spent a fabulously steamy night together, only he hadn’t slept over that time because of an early meeting at work the next morning. Wednesday night was his weekly dinner with his kids, so she’d gone to another pub in another neighborhood that she’d heard was fun and wanted to check out.
She’d stayed at the bar and befriended one of the bartenders immediately, as was her habit for her safety. And after half an hour, been hit on by an attractive guy in his late twenties. Pete had been really nice, but she had no interest and let him down gently. All she wanted was more sexy nights with a quiet, slightly older true gentleman. Who she could talk to about anything and everything, and who listened intently. Whose eyes were a deep, brilliant blue and whose smile was rare but blinding. Who was aloof and wound up tight, but in private, let loose with her. Watching that transition in her bedroom had been astounding, and she was enjoying every bit of it.
She deep conditioned her hair and shaved her legs, hoping for another go with Colin tonight. He was a little slice of heaven, and she was… she wasn’t sure what she was. Smitten? Yeah, she could own that. She liked him. That didn’t need analyzing.
Wrapping her hair in a towel turban style, she walked back into her bedroom just as her phone rang. Glancing at the screen, her brows lifted in surprise, then she winced. She hadn’t returned a call in a while. “Mom?”
“Hi, honey! Oh, I’m so glad I got you. This voice mail tag was getting tiresome.”
Maggie winced harder. “I’m sorry. I just—”
“I know, I know. Believe me, by now I know the drill,” Susie Flynn said dryly. “So how are you enjoying Ireland this time around? Tell me everything!”
Maggie sank down onto her bed and started talking. Susie had a million questions, and Maggie answered them. She knew she didn’t need to send pictures because her mom followed her blog on her website religiously. They talked for about twenty minutes before her mom asked, “So when are you leaving Dublin, and where are you going from there? Anything lined up yet? What’s the plan?”
“Well,” Maggie said, “I want to be in D.C. by November first. Figure I’ll stay there for a few weeks, catch up with some friends there, maybe drive around Virginia… and be in New York for all of December. I want to be there for Christmastime, it’s just the best and I haven’t done that in a long time.”
“Aha. I see. Well…” Her mom hesitated, and suddenly knowing what was coming, Maggie’s stomach tensed. Sure enough, Susie said, “I was wondering if you’d come here for one of the holidays. If you’re planning on being in New York for Christmas, and you’ll be within driving distance, would you consider coming home for Thanksgiving maybe? We haven’t seen you in so long… your father would be so happy and all your sisters would be thrilled. You haven’t even met your niece yet!”
Maggie sighed. The only married sister, Hailey had made their parents into grandparents last winter. “I know.”
“I just miss you, honey.” Her mom’s voice got quiet. “I really miss you. We all do. It’s been a long while now. Won’t you think about it? Just come for a few days.”
“You don’t have to beg,” Maggie said, feeling awful. “I’ll come for Thanksgiving. A few days. All right?”
“Oh, yes!” The jubilation in Susie’s voice made Maggie feel even worse. “Oh, that’s wonderful! I can’t wait to tell everyone.”
“I’ll, uh…” Maggie dragged the towel off her hair, which was barely damp at this point. “I’ll come on Tuesday and stay ’til Saturday. If that’s okay.”
“Of course it’s okay! That’ll be great!”
Maggie ran her fingers through her hair, trying to dislodge the tangles. “Okay, Mom. I’ll be there. I have to go now, though. My hair is almost dry and if I don’t do something with it, it’ll be a hot mess.”
“Okay, you go. I’m just glad we got to catch up,” Susie said. “Talk to you in a few weeks, I guess. You could call home once in a while, you know. Just a reminder.”
“I text you,” Maggie said.
“Not enough.”
“Well, I know you read the blog, so you know where I am and what I’m doing.”
“Yes, Miss Independent, but you could call too. It’s not expensive like it used to be when I was younger.”
Maggie rolled her eyes and sighed. “Okay, Mom. Say hi to Dad for me.”
“I sure will. You have fun, and stay safe always.”
“I’m as careful as I can be, Mom. Don’t worry.”
“Can’t help but worry. By the way, how’s your leg holding up?”
“Fine, Mom.” The accident had broken her left leg in three places, and she still felt twinges and aches—especially on rainy days—that she willfully ignored. Her limp was barely noticeable to the unwatchful eye. “I’m okay, promise.”
“Okay. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
When she ended the call, she rose from the bed with a sigh. She’d committed to Thanksgiving in Ohio with her family. Maybe this visit would be bearable.
She squirted some shine-and-no-frizz serum into her hands and ran them through her long locks… then scowled at herself in the mirror. She was being negative, and unfair. She chastised herself silently. She wasn’t always fair to them, and she knew it. But her need for independence, her residual resentments from childhood, and her pain had overshadowed things when it came to them. She wasn’t sure how else to explain her tangled feelings.
No, they hadn’t made her feel understood, appreciated, or included as a kid, but they’d made up for it when it counted most.
After the accident had almost killed her and left her a young widow, she’d been in the hospital in Savannah for over two months. When ready, she was released and moved to a rehab center to get her strength back. Her parents had arranged for her to be sent back to Ohio, in her hometown, so they could help her get on her feet again, both figuratively and literally.
Being in a bed for that long had made her muscles atrophy. Between being weakened from what her body had endured, and the unspeakable anguish of losing Zack, Maggie was drowning in pain of every kind. She was enraged at the world. She lashed out at people. Therapists, both for physical and mental, helped her eventually get a hold on that. But her mother had come to the rehab facility every day. Every single day. Maggie was there for almost three months before being released.
Having no home to go to, she went to her childhood home to recoup some more until she decided what she’d do next. To be fair, her mother had insisted on that, and been amazing. Her father had been supportive but quiet, not knowing
what to say or how to handle his daughter’s massive loss and palpable grief. Hailey had tried to be nicer, bringing her sweets or whatever food Maggie asked for. Stacey and Britney had been like Dad, awkward but genuinely well-meaning.
They’d all tried. Maggie was the one who kept everyone at arm’s length. She was hurting too much. She just wanted to be alone with her grief. Her parents cared for her until… until she was healthy again, and felt smothered, and had to get away from everything and everyone she’d known so she could put her past behind her and get back out to see the world. To travel and have adventures.
That’s what Zack would have wanted, she told everyone. I’m going to honor Zack’s memory by going out and finishing what we started.
Her parents had never understood her, but they understood her need for freedom. She’d only been back to Ohio once in the five years since the accident. It had made her anxious, all that attention. Like she was a star, which she wasn’t, or like something of a freak, which she wasn’t. They’d never really understood her.
Only with Zack had she finally felt understood. Seen and appreciated for who she truly was. He’d been her home.
Now, Maggie sat naked on her bed and looked over the scars on her body. On her leg, under her ribs, up on her left shoulder…
She didn’t like to talk about the accident, and Colin hadn’t asked again since Moher. She was grateful for that. He had enough of his own demons to wrestle with that he knew not to bring up hers. He wasn’t pushy, or demanding, or anything but kind. And amused; she made him smile and she made him laugh. The taciturn man she’d initially met faded a little more each day they spent time together. His sweetness shone through. He trusted her enough to let that happen, and she trusted him equally.
She realized that she trusted him and felt so safe with him because she felt, inexplicably, understood by him. She knew he was kind of fascinated by her, yes… but she also knew that he got her. Sensed things. Listened when she talked, really listened.
A crazy thought popped into her head, an unbidden whisper: Zack would like him. He’d approve.
A chill ran over her skin.
Her eyes slipped closed. She didn’t think she’d ever be able to love another man like she had Zack. To pretend otherwise wasn’t fair to any man… no matter how lonely she’d been starting to feel when she arrived in Dublin. No matter how touched she’d been by Colin McKinnon, both inside and out.
Again her eyes ran along her scars. Constant physical reminders of what she’d been through. Some days, they felt like badges of honor of how what she’d survived, how far she’d come since then, and she was proud of them. Some days, they were just searing reminders of everything she’d lost, and looking at them brought her to tears.
Losing Zack had destroyed her. She’d rebuilt her life, but she never wanted to hurt like that again. A secret part of her sometimes wondered what it would be like to find love again… she was only thirty, with hopefully a long life ahead of her… but then the panic would set in, snapping her up in its steely jaws. Love equaled certain loss. She couldn’t bear to lose someone again. Or, even more devastating, herself. She’d come close to that once. She couldn’t feel that lost, that vulnerable, ever again.
Gotta just keep moving…
Her phone dinged with a text, jolting her from her thoughts. Colin. Were his ears burning? He’d written: Will be at the pub by 7. Any chance you’re coming round tonight?
Maggie willfully shook off her melancholy. Live in the now. Colin is here, now. Enjoy him while you’re here.
She texted back, You bet. Be there at 7. Any chance you’d come home with me tonight?
You bet, Colin answered. Was hoping you’d ask.
*
August turned into September, and Colin realized that somehow, he and Maggie had fallen into an affair. They texted every day, he’d gone on two more weekend trips with her, and he went home with her almost every night except Wednesdays. He slept over more often than he didn’t. He loved sleeping beside her. The comfort of that alone was soul-mending, much less the awesome rush of waking up with her in his arms and making love to her to start the morning. Then he’d go to the gym, or to work, and smile like a bloody loon for the rest of the day.
He was changing. Because he was finally, slowly but surely, healing. He recognized it, but didn’t want to jinx it by speaking of it out loud, so he didn’t. Not to her, or to anyone. Barely to himself, truth be told. But it felt damn good. He was the closest thing to happy that he’d ever been. He had a better outlook, wasn’t growling at people, wasn’t numb. He felt alive again.
He hadn’t told anyone he was seeing her. Certainly not his kids yet. It felt private, and he didn’t want to share it. But he loved every bit of it. Maggie had brought color, sound, and light back into his life.
From the cute or sassy texts that made him smile at work; to the places she brought him to once or twice a week, a fun relearning of his own country; to the hot, powerful nights he spent in her bed… Good Lord, the sex was incredible. He’d never had sex in his life like he did with this enchanting, alluring, passionate woman.
And he knew it wouldn’t last. So he drank in every drop.
After making love to Maggie late on a Thursday night, his mind went in its usual circles as his hands skimmed over her body beside him. There were things he wanted to ask, say, tell her… but he wouldn’t, of course. It wasn’t his way. He consumed her with touches, wondering if she ever felt the energy of his restrained words in them. Touching her whenever she was near had become as necessary as breathing.
“You’re so quiet.” Maggie’s murmur broke into his thoughts. “You okay?”
“Very much so.” His hand ran down her side. Naked in bed together, in the soft darkness of her bedroom, he couldn’t have been more content. “Just thinkin’.”
“You always are. Sometimes I can actually feel your mind working.”
He only smiled softly.
She smiled back. “What are you thinking about? Want to share?”
“You,” he admitted.
“Oh really? What about me?”
“The general assessment? You’re lovely.”
She peered at him harder, as if she could will him to say more. But all she said was, “So are you, Colin. Truly.”
He grinned. His fingers traced along the thin, raised line of scar tissue along her ribs, almost three inches long. “May I ask…?”
“Ask anything.”
“This scar. What happened here?”
“From the accident, of course.” Her voice was calm, matter-of-fact. “My lung collapsed and my spleen ruptured. They needed to get to both.”
His lips pursed and he nodded slowly, imagining horrors.
She lifted her hand to stroke his cheek. “You can always ask. Whatever you want. I reserve the right not to answer, but it’s unlikely. I’m pretty open about the accident and its aftermath, as you know. I mean, we know I had a happy ending. I’m here, right?”
“And I’m very glad that you are.”
“Thanks. Me too.”
He swallowed the rest. Yes, he was curious about the accident. That detrimental experience had changed and shaped her life. But the last time he’d delved into it, she’d been tortured with nightmares that had her literally screaming and thrashing in her sleep. He didn’t want that for her.
But she continued, her voice lowered to barely above a whisper. “Really, I should have died too.” Her fingers ran through his light chest hair, a slow back and forth. “When I think back, knowing what kind of shape I was in when they got me to the hospital, I don’t know how I didn’t.”
“It wasn’t your time,” he whispered solemnly.
“I guess not.” She dropped a kiss on his shoulder.
He pulled her closer, caressing her arm, his fingers always finding their way back to her hair. They sifted through the silken strands as they held each other. “How long did it take you to recover? Physically, I mean?”
“What, the healing
and then rehab? About six months.”
He whistled low, chest tightening at the thought of what that must have entailed.
“I’m lucky to be alive,” she said firmly. “I don’t take that for granted. I wake up grateful every day. And then try to make the most of every day.”
“And never look back.”
“I can’t. Besides, there’s no point. All we have is the present moment.”
He nodded slowly as he took that in, mind working. After a few minutes, he said as lightly as possible, “No long term plans for the future, then?”
“Not really.” She edged back enough to look into his eyes. “Does that bother you, or are you just curious?”
“The latter.”
“Ah. Well… I know too well that there are no guarantees in life. So I plan for the next few weeks, maybe a few months. But no, I don’t plan long term, or think of anything far ahead.” She leaned in to kiss his cheek. “I know how that must sound to someone like you. Yes, it’s how I think because of the accident. I won’t deny it.”
A nerve jangled. “Someone like me?”
“Yes. Someone older, settled, and with deep roots. The opposite of me.”
He didn’t like the sound of that. She wasn’t wrong, but it just… it sat wrong.
“You don’t have to agree.”
“It’s not for me to agree or disagree, Maggie. It’s your life.”
“That’s true. But you should see the frown on your face. The lines are back.” She touched the spot between his brows. He knew they were knitted, he felt the tension.
He tried to relax his face as he said, “I’m not judging you.”
“I know you’re not. You’re…” Her fingers feathered along the lines likely bracketing his mouth. “…concerned by what you’re hearing. Thinking about it. Hard.”
He blinked, surprised at her insight. “Yes. You know me that well now, do ya?”
“Apparently I might.” She smiled, a gentle tug of her lips that emanated light.
“Apparently.”
She gave him a sweet, lingering kiss, then lay down again. He tugged her closer so he could wrap his arms around her. Feeling her breath feather against his chest soothed him. Being with her, knowing her story, made him acutely aware of how precious life was. And how precious she was.
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