Love in Dublin

by Jennifer Gracen

  I know this may sound strange coming from your former mother-in-law, but I hope you find love again. You’re so young still, Maggie, and you’re a beautiful, wonderful person. Get married again and have a family of your own. Maybe you have and I just don’t know. It’s not my business. I just…

  I just look at these pictures, and the love you and Zack shared comes jumping out. You have so much love and light inside. I hope you’ve found someone new to share them with. I know Zack wouldn’t have wanted you to be alone for the rest of your life. He loved you that much.

  I hope when and if you find someone and get married again, you’ll let me know. Don’t feel weird about that! It would make me so happy to know you found someone new. You loved my son, Maggie. You made him so happy. And because of that, I’ll always love you and want you to be happy. I hope that you are, and will always be.

  Take good care. My best to your parents. Happy Holidays!

  With love, Donna Spencer

  Maggie couldn’t breathe. She gasped for air, rubbing at her tightening chest. Her face felt hot and she felt woozy. She put the letter down with utmost care, as if it were made of glass, and opened the lid of the small, flat box with shaking fingers.

  A stack of photos was inside, curled a bit at the edges, all loose and disorganized. About fifty of them. Photo after photo of her and Zack. At the cafeteria, in his dorm room, outside on campus, out and about in Chicago, at a party, kissing in a car…

  “Maggie?”

  Maggie’s head jerked up. Her mom stood in the doorway, gazing down at her with concern.

  “Why are you crying, honey?” Susie asked. “What’s wrong?”

  Maggie didn’t even realize she’d been crying. She couldn’t speak. She held up the pictures, grasped the letter and held it out. A fresh sob escaped her and she started to shake violently.

  Susie sat beside her and swept her into a hug. Maggie sank into her arms and cried harder than she had in a long, long time.

  Her mother rocked her, held her, said words to soothe. The pain throbbed through her, as raw and deep as if a scab had been ripped off her heart. And in a way, one had been.

  Her father appeared in the doorway. Susie asked him to give them some time and he closed the door. Maggie kept crying until the tears ran out, until her throat was scraped and her sinuses felt like they were going to explode.

  Her mother finally let go of her, grasping the nearby box of tissues. Maggie wiped her face, blew her nose, and sighed.

  “This was like a kick to the stomach,” Maggie said. “Looking at those pictures brought back such specific memories… I hadn’t remembered them in years.”

  “Of course, sweetheart,” Susie cooed, still stroking her back.

  “I’d gotten to a better place with this,” Maggie said. “But lately, it’s been bad again. Nightmares…” She sniffed hard, trying to clear her clogged up nose. “I’ll always miss him. But the pain has been back. The fear, simmering.”

  “Did something trigger it?” Susie asked gently.

  “Yeah. I… I met someone.” Maggie drew a shaky breath. “I met someone wonderful. In Dublin. He loves me. And I left him there because I travel, it’s what I do.” Her eyes filled with tears again. “I’m afraid to love him, Mom. I’m so afraid to love again. What if something happens to him? What if he leaves me? I couldn’t take it, I can’t go through that kind of loss again…”

  “Yes, actually, you could,” her mom said.

  Maggie sniffled hard and looked at her mother.

  “You’re a survivor. I know. I watched my girl fight her way back in the hospital, in the rehab, day after day.” Susie’s eyes flashed with sadness. “I didn’t know how you’d come back from all that. But you did. And thrived. I admire you, Maggie. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met.”

  The air whooshed out of Maggie’s lungs as she stared. “Wow.”

  “It’s true. But yes… part of how you survived is… you ran away from your grief, from your problems,” Susie said quietly. “You had the money and freedom to do that, so you did. Who could blame you? But, honey… when will you stop running?”

  “I didn’t think I was running,” Maggie said. “I thought I was rebuilding my life.”

  “Maybe it was both,” Susie said. “But it’s time to stop and face what you didn’t back then. Don’t you know that if you survived everything that happened, you can survive anything life throws at you? The only thing that would hold you back? Is you.”

  It sounded just like things she’d said to Colin. Maggie blew her nose again, then picked up the letter. One line screamed at her: I know Zack wouldn’t have wanted you to be alone for the rest of your life. She pointed that line out to her mother. “You think that’s true?”

  “Of course,” Susie said. “He wouldn’t want you to be alone for the rest of your life. I don’t think he’d want you to be alone at all.”

  “I am so alone,” Maggie said. “I am. I needed to be before. I was still finding my way in the world without Zack. And I got to a good place. I really did. But now… I’m not just alone, I’m lonely. The truth is, I was feeling that way before I went to Dublin. And then I met Colin…” Just saying his name filled her heart with warmth. “I thought I was helping him heal from something. But you know what? He helped me too. I didn’t even realize it…”

  “He loves you?” Susie asked.

  “Yes. And I realized that I love him too. I’ve been unhappy since I left him, because I miss him so much.” Maggie wiped at her swollen eyes. “He’s so smart. And hot. And so grumpy,” she added with a laugh. “He’s forty-one. Divorced, has three kids and he adores them, they’re the most important things in his life. He hates his career. He always wanted to travel. So I asked him to…”

  Maggie poured out the story. Holding the box of photos in her lap, she told her mother all about Colin McKinnon.

  “He sounds like a fine, solid man,” her mother finally said. “And he’s waiting for you?”

  “I think so. I hope so…” Maggie shook her head. “God, I’ve been so stupid. I’ve been awful to him.”

  “Not on purpose,” Susie said. “And if he truly loves you, he knows that. Which is probably why he’s waiting for you.” She brushed back a stray hair from her daughter’s eyes. “Let him love you. Give it a try. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work, but you should give it a chance.”

  Maggie felt a surge of panic. “I don’t know how to be settled down in one place. I’ve never done it, and I don’t know if it’s for me.”

  “Well… what if you worked out a way to still travel, but have a place in Dublin as your home base?” Susie gestured around the room. “Eventually, all these things will need a home.” She touched her daughter’s damp cheek. “Everything and everyone needs a place to call home. Even you.”

  Maggie recalled her instant thought when the bus rolled back into Dublin city limits: We’re home.

  “Maybe,” Susie went on, “it’s time to consider that you want something new. That’s normal. That’s growing and changing, learning who you are and what you want at a new point in your life. And that’s not a disservice to Zack’s memory, honey. It’s like his mother said: he’d want you to be happy. I believe that too. You have to let yourself believe it.” She took Maggie’s hands. “It’s okay to love again. To let someone in again.”

  “I don’t want to forget Zack,” Maggie whispered.

  “You won’t. You couldn’t if you tried.” Susie smiled gently. “You can love a different person in a different way, and one has nothing to do with the other, you know?” Susie’s brow furrowed as she tried to find a different way to phrase what she meant. “You don’t have to love Colin like you loved Zack, and you’re not supposed to. They’re different people. And you’re a different person now than you were then. So… there can always be a place in your heart for Zack, and plenty of room in your huge heart for another man too. Loving one doesn’t cancel out loving the other. It just… adds to your heart. Does that make any s
ense?”

  “It makes a lot of sense, actually,” Maggie whispered.

  “Oh good.” Susie rubbed her hands. “Colin knows about Zack?”

  Maggie nodded. “Sure he does.”

  “Okay. Don’t you think he’d understand? And don’t you think you owe it to yourself to let yourself love again? Not for Zack. Not even for Colin, necessarily. But for yourself, honey. Everyone needs love. Everyone.”

  Maggie’s breath felt stuck in her lungs. She stared at her mother as if with new eyes. “You make a lot of good points.”

  Susie grinned. “Well, thanks. I think so.” She caressed her daughter’s back. “I’m just trying to help. Sounds like you’ve had all this stored inside.”

  “I have. And you’re helping a lot. Thank you.” Maggie’s head was pounding. With care, she put the photos back in the box and set it aside, along with the letter. “You’re wonderful, Mom,” she finally said. “I’ve been… not so nice to you. I’ve been distant and uncommunicative… I’m so sorry.”

  “You’ve been hurting,” Susie said quietly. “You went through hell. You had to find your own way back to solid ground. Maybe you finally have, even though it feels shaky right at the moment, you know?”

  “Maybe…” Maggie’s eyes filled up yet again, and she tried to stem the tears. “I don’t want to cry anymore, dammit. My eyes are burning and my head hurts.”

  Susie laughed and pulled her in for a hug. “Then stop crying.”

  “God, I’ve been so…” Maggie shook her head. “I have a lot to sort out.”

  “You can stay here as long as you need to. You know that,” Susie said, kissing the top of her head before pulling back. “I’m tired of leftovers. If I eat one more bite of turkey, I might turn into one.”

  Maggie hiccupped out a watery laugh. “Same here.”

  “How about we just order a pizza tonight? Is that okay with you?”

  “That sounds perfect.” Maggie drew a deep, cleansing breath. “Thanks so much, Mom. Really. Thank you.”

  “I love you, sweetie.”

  “I love you too.”

  Susie got to her feet. “I’m going to go call for delivery. Pizza, and a big salad. Come on down in a while, when you’re ready.”

  After she left, Maggie looked down at her hand. With trembling fingers, she took off her wedding ring. She gazed at it in her palm for a long time, a few more tears leaked out… and she placed it carefully in the box with the photos.

  Then she looked around at all the wonderful artifacts from her travels. They needed a home. She needed a home. It was time. It was something she wanted now.

  She had a lot to figure out.

  *

  Colin put the book on the nightstand. He sighed and flipped the pillow for the cooler side. Insomnia had been a regular thing since Maggie had left. A glance at the bedside clock showed it was past two AM. At least the next day was Sunday, and if and when he finally fell asleep, he didn’t have to get up early for work.

  His cell phone rang, making him jump. He looked at the screen. In shock, he answered the call. “Hello?”

  “Hi,” came her voice, soft in his ear. “It’s Maggie.”

  “Hi. Wow.” Excitement surged through his veins and he cleared his throat.

  “I know it’s late there,” she said quietly. “I’m sorry if I woke you. I just… really needed to hear your voice.”

  “It’s fine,” he said. “I wasn’t sleeping, actually. Was up late reading.” Her voice sounded ragged and nasal at the same time. She’d obviously been crying. “Are you all right?”

  “Not exactly… had a rough evening. But I’ll be okay.”

  “Anything I can do?”

  “You’re doing it.” She paused. “God, it’s good to hear your voice. I missed it.”

  “I’ve missed yours too,” he admitted. “You sound even more Yank than ever. Being back in the States does that, I gather?”

  She laughed softly. “I guess?”

  “Mmm. So… what happened? Want to talk about it?”

  “No, I don’t. I just… wanted to hear you.” She paused again. “Do you still want to hear from me?”

  “Constantly,” he murmured.

  “Good to know,” she said. “I, um… I have some things I still need to work out. But… I just…”

  “I’m here,” he said with quiet assurance. “I’ll be here. I’m always here for you, Maggie. Okay?”

  “Yes,” she whispered. “Thank you. I needed to know.”

  “That hasn’t changed. It won’t. I love you.”

  She was silent for a good twenty seconds. He wondered if the call had dropped. Then she said, “You mean so much to me, Colin. I…”

  “I’m glad you called, and that I was up.”

  “I’m exhausted. I need to go to sleep.”

  “Do that, then.”

  “I was supposed to leave for New York tomorrow,” she said. “But I’m going to stay with my parents for a few more days. I need to spend some more quality time with my mom before I take off again.”

  “Sounds good. Enjoy that.”

  “Thanks. Um… are you okay? Everything there all right?”

  “Fine, Maggie. No worries.” I miss you like hell, I don’t sleep or eat much, but I’m fine. “Go get some sleep. Maybe I will too.”

  “Okay. I’ll talk to you again soon.”

  “That’d be grand. And Maggie… whatever this is. You’ll be all right. You were before, and you will be again. Just breathe, and remember… there’s a bloke in Ireland who thinks the sun rises and sets by you. You got this.”

  “Thank you. You’re wonderful.”

  “So are you. Good night, love. Take care.”

  “You too.”

  Colin burrowed into the blanket and rolled onto his side, thinking of Maggie. Smiling as he recalled hearing her voice. Hoping she’d be all right. Hoping she’d call again soon. Hoping she’d realize how much he loved her, and that she loved him too.

  Chapter Seventeen

  A week later, Colin woke to a text message from Maggie. It was a picture of an enormous, decorated Christmas tree. Wish you were here, she’d written. Rockefeller Center, baby! NYC is the place to be at Christmastime!

  He smiled as he texted back, So you got to NY. Good for you, hope you enjoy.

  Then he added, My brother’s bar is only a few blocks from there, you know.

  She answered immediately, thrilling him. Where? What’s the name of it?

  Fuck if he knew. He texted: Hold on. Will ask Gavin.

  Which brother is that? she wrote.

  The doctor. And the only one who’s in regular contact with Sean.

  Colin texted his brother, waited for a response, then texted back to Maggie a few minutes later: O’Reilly’s Tavern, 46th St. & 5th Ave.

  I might go by there, Maggie wrote back. Is that like stalking?

  Colin laughed. I don’t think so, but what do I know?

  I’m just so curious, Maggie texted. A McKinnon, right here! It’s the next best thing!

  He appreciated her thought, but had to warn her. If you do go, you might not want to mention we’re friends. Sean hates me.

  Oh, she texted. Awkward. Well… I might go anyway. Want to see if there’s any family resemblance. Too curious. It’ll be like a spy mission. I’ll be undercover!

  Colin had to smile. Knock yourself out, he wrote. How are you? Better?

  Much better, she texted. Still a lot to think about, work out… but I’m getting there. I’m okay. And this city helps. It’s the best. I wish you were here with me. I bet you’d love it.

  Maybe another time. Holidays = me being here. Kids etc.

  Of course, she wrote. I totally get that.

  He sighed. He’d love to be there with her. The thought of spending Christmas with her seemed idyllic. But his kids were here, his siblings and extended family were here… he belonged here. He always would. He texted: Be safe in that huge city, ok?

  Will do, she wrote. I’m staying i
n a good hotel in Midtown, very safe. I’m always careful, you know that. Don’t worry.

  Can’t help it. He paused over the phone, wanting to write a million things. In the end, all he sent was, Send pics any time. Nice to wake up to.

  Okay, I will. Have a great day. She sent a smiley emoji.

  He hated emojis, but sent a smiley back. It kept things light. It kept him from professing his unrequited love yet again.

  *

  Later that night, Maggie found O’Reilly’s Tavern. It was a typical Irish pub façade, with large glass windows and a huge wreath with red bows and gold sleigh bells on the wooden door. Upbeat classic rock hit her as she opened the door, along with a rush of warmth that welcomed her in from the chilly air outside.

  It was just past seven, and a weeknight, so the bar was only half full. She looked around and found it welcoming, even cozy. A long, narrow room with Irish memorabilia on the walls and little white Christmas lights everywhere, the vibe was definitely festive. She sidled up to the polished mahogany bar and got the bartender’s attention. “Hi. I’m looking for the owner, Sean McKinnon. Any chance he’s here tonight?”

  “He will be at eight,” the bartender said. “Want to wait?”

  “Sure.” She took off her coat and sat on a stool. “Have any hard cider?”

  The bar filled with more customers as the hour rolled on. She befriended John, the bartender, and found out Sean was the half-owner, Jimmy O’Reilly was his partner. She told John she wasn’t there on business, they just had mutual friends in Dublin so she wanted to see the place. She nursed her drink, fired off a few texts to friends, and relaxed. The bar was a good one, it gave her a good feeling.

  At ten after eight, she noticed John raise his hand to a man who’d just walked in and wave him over. She watched John talk to the guy and gesture her way. A pair of deep blue eyes landed on her. Handsome, golden-brown hair, a shrewd, intense gaze… oh yeah, that was a McKinnon, all right.

  She smiled at him. He made his way over to her.

  “Hello,” he said. Tall and lean, he had a silver hoop that glinted in one ear, creases by his eyes, and a scruffy dark gold beard that set off a sensual mouth. He was gorgeous and sexy as hell, she had to admit it. Edgier than Colin, with the charisma of a rock star, if she had to label him. “Heard you were looking for me? I’m Sean McKinnon.”