by Casey Herzog
“You have some lucid moments and I want you to hold onto those. This is no time to lose your head.” There was a slight snicker underneath his breath, like there was an underlying meaning behind his words, but it was an inside joke.
“I’ll let her go, but you better bring her back. I don’t want to think about cannibalizing you, but I have almost reached the end of my patience. I will need to feed and I will not be responsible for my actions.” They were closer than they appeared, and the rush of electricity dancing along my flesh was intoxicating.
“There is a time and place for everything. We can still feed, but only in increments. I want you to know the sacrifice you make by letting her go will return to you tenfold. I feel our salvation is at hand. You don’t need to understand, but follow my lead and everything will become clear.”
I felt something brushing my shoulder and the freezing chill was hard to ignore. I didn’t know what was going on, but I felt like I had stepped into something with no reasonable explanation.
“You don’t know what you’re asking of me. You don’t know what it does to me to let her go.” I felt this momentary sense of panic gripping me by the throat, and then, I dropped to my knees when my legs buckled. Some unknown force depleted the energy of my body.
“I said that’s more than enough. Need I remind you how long we have been here? You of all people should be ready to try something different than the same old, same old. What we have done already hasn’t worked. Starving is the only other answer we haven’t considered. Leave this one alone and I’m sure you’ll be pleasantly surprised with the results.” They had no names, but they definitely had differences of opinion.
“I’m not going to apologize. It is, after all, in my nature to act this way. I have to do what I have to do. I’m done for the time being anyway; I don’t think I could eat another bite. I left enough, but you have no idea how hard it was to leave anything behind on the plate.”
I wasn’t sure it was a privilege to hear their thoughts. They had not addressed me. Did they know I was there? Did they care?
“It shows some real growth not to take more than you should. I see there is no room in your heart to share, but it doesn’t matter. The risk of letting her go is something we need to take.”
I was on my hands and knees, breathing heavily and barely able to draw enough oxygen into my lungs. The laughter was the worst part of it all. It kept going with no end, like it was on a continuous loop. I tried to drown it out with my own thoughts, but it was virtually stripping away any defense I had come up with to fight back.
“Get her out of my sight before I do something I’m going to regret. Get her out of my sight…out of my sight…out of my sight.”
“You’re doing the right thing no matter how wrong it might feel. You’ve been greedy, and we both know you can barely control yourself anymore. By your own admission, you are doing everything because it’s in your nature. I’ve tried to rein you in with little success, but I’m glad I was able to make you see there is a better way.”
The same hand brushing over my shoulder was now touching my cheek and leaving me chilled to the bone.
“I hope you know what you’re doing. It’s not every day I pass up a buffet like this one.” The voices argued, but there seemed to be some kind of consensus. I had a feeling this was not good for me, but I had no idea what they meant.
“You need to trust that we both want the same thing, but we’ve been going about it in vastly different ways. I’m holding onto her by a thread, but I know in my heart severing the connection is the best thing in the long run.”
I screamed with what felt like a hot poker hitting my body multiple times at once. I came awake in the darkness, still screaming and watching as every piece of glass in my room including the window shattered.
Chapter Seven
I was shaking like a leaf, and somehow William was given a reprieve from the monastery to come and be with me. I could see both my father and the professor talking in hushed whispers in the corner. William was holding me, and I hadn’t said anything from the moment they came through the door. They had seen the carnage left behind after my banshee cry and didn’t say anything. They all had stopped short when they saw the minefield of broken glass.
“I’m here with you, but I can’t stay for long. They busted me out of the place, but they interrupted when I was at a crucial point. I thought what I was going through was nonsense, but I’ve come to learn of my spiritual and magical connection to everything. I see you have been going through some stuff of your own. I only wish I could stay and help you through this.”
It was nice to have him there, holding my hand and letting me draw strength from him.
“You have no idea how much I have missed you. My heart knows you have been with me, even if you aren’t there in person. I don’t even know where to begin. It all seems like jumbled, disjointed images in my head.”
I could see them instantly trying to shake me to bring me back, but I had been through something out of my realm of understanding. My father looked concerned, but he hadn’t said anything to give me any idea of what this could be about.
“It’s good to hear your voice. When they told me you were exactly like Damien, I insisted on a furlough away from the monastery. The monks were not exactly appreciative, but they understood. They want me back within the hour, but I won’t go if you really need me to stay.” How could I ask him to go against tradition when any kind of interruption would throw back our wedding date by several months?
“I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that I don’t want you to stay. I know you can’t, and I think I’m strong enough to stand on my own. I can’t depend on a man to protect me when that duty should fall on my shoulders.”
I kept looking at the broken glass and was quite startled to realize I was the cause of it.
They had apparently watched as I fell forward into my food at the supper table. They had taken me up to my room, where it was familiar, so I wouldn’t feel out of place when I woke up. It was a nice gesture, but it did very little to stop the ungodly scream coming from my lips. I remembered voices, but what they were saying made it appear I was part of the puzzle. I couldn’t grasp onto everything said, but the fragments told me more than I wanted to know.
“You are my dream come alive in front of my eyes. You saved me from a life of loneliness. I don’t think that I have fully conveyed to you how much you mean to me. My heart beats for you like a love song thumping inside my chest. There’s no way you could possibly know what you do to me. I’ve been set free by the magical way you look at me every day, and I can only hope to give you half of what you give me.”
My breathing was becoming normal. I had apparently hyperventilated and passed out, but that was not the extent of what I had gone through. I could still remember the door pulling me toward it, and I tried to ignore it. I didn’t get a chance and my spirit guide had prevented me from making a grave error in judgment. The feeling was intensified with the voices in my consciousness. There was insanity in every word spoken.
“William, you make me feel the same way. I didn’t think I needed a man, and I never thought anybody was capable of handling my attitude. I know I’m not easy to live with, but I have tried to tame my eccentric moments. I never want to give you a reason to leave me. I don’t know what losing you would do to me, and I don’t want to find out.”
Losing him would be like feeling my heart exploding and never being able to put it back together again.
“Gillian, I’ve never wanted to make you change. I hope you didn’t feel it was necessary for me. We all have flaws, and it is what makes us unique in the eyes of the ones we love. I am madly in love with you and nothing you do will ever change that. This is brand new for the both of us, but we can do this blindly together.”
I could testify that our story was only beginning, with many chapters left unwritten. I may have felt like I was going crazy, but at least I had somebody in my corner.
I felt someth
ing move against my chest and I looked down to see the crystal fading in and out with a blue blinking light. It was kind of soothing and had the added benefit of making me see things straight. My mind was no longer a whirlwind of emotions. There was a semblance of reason; I was able to find a sense of calm in the din.
“I don’t know why this keeps happening to me, but it appears Damien’s continued survival is on me. You may not agree with this, but I feel I owe him a debt. He was a hard shell to crack, but we made things work between us.”
I was not ready to give up on Damien, not until every avenue of treatment was investigated. This was a daring move on my part and I was definitely going outside my comfort zone by even contemplating taking the trek into the mountains.
“I see there’s no way I’m going to talk you out of this. The only thing I can ask is for you to remember you have somebody to come home to. Be careful, and don’t do anything too drastic without thinking about the consequences. We’ve been through a lot together, and you helped me when nobody else could. I’m sure on some small level you think I’m with you because of some savior complex, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.”
He had confessed being complicit with the Elders, and I had thrown him back in without realizing the danger to him and others.
The only good thing coming from the joining of the magic eyes and the darker arts was my ability to get rid of the disease keeping him prisoner to the Elders. It wasn’t without a price, but I would pay it all over again for the chance to see him live a normal life. His family was elated and they treated me like I was the second coming.
“I would know if you were with me because of some stupid idea of honor. The look in your eyes tells me everything I need to know and more. I would never hold you here with me against your will. We are destined for a journey of our own, and I’m sure there are many arguments in our future. We just need to remind each other not to go to bed angry and to always see each other’s point of view.”
I could feel my strength returning and I was no longer feeling like the life had been drained out of me. The magic eyes were there and no worse for wear, but it had been effected like somebody had chipped away some of the power. I was refreshed and charged enough to face what was going to be another momentous time in my life.
I kissed William, feeling like I was in the presence of paradise, and forgetting my father was witnessing this public display of affection. The kiss was better with his hands holding me close and playing my spine like a musical instrument.
It was the sweetest and most tender moment of my life and I was reluctant to let him go. I finally gave him a breather, seeing his eyes glaze over and knowing I was responsible for the reaction. I could see something more than the wild eyes dancing in his head.
“Please don’t look at me like that, William or I will never be able to let you go.”
It was a wonder we were able to keep our hands off of each other, but we were following a longstanding tradition. It wasn’t easy, and there were times I thought we were going to burst into flames. The creature known as ‘the flame’ came into my mind. I had this fire in my soul ready to be unleashed, and I was going to have to find some other outlet.
“I’m sorry, but you only have yourself to blame for the way I look at you. How can any man look at a beautiful vision like you and not feel like he is swept away on the wings of love? I don’t feel worthy, and you could certainly do better than me. Don’t worry; I’m not planning to pull that thread any tighter. I would never give you up for anything; I would rather die knowing I had your heart.” He knew just what words to say to sway my own opinion. I had no doubts about the future.
“You had a lot to make up for, William, but you have done some amazing work to get people to believe what you did was a matter of necessity. There are still going to be some looking at you differently and wondering when you’re going to show your true colors. They don’t realize you would never have gone into an arrangement with the Elders without a damn good reason. I have forgiven you and I’m not the only one. You need to forgive yourself. Maybe the monastery and the monks will help you to find forgiveness.” We held onto each other until the final gong and the last tick of the hour.
“I don’t want to interrupt this, but William needs to get back. He’s already pushing things a little bit too far as it is. Both of you need to be strong for one another, and the rest will work itself out.”
My father was giving us a lot to think about. I would rather William stay here to fight alongside me against whatever battle was going to present itself next.
“This isn’t my idea of a happily ever after, but it will be in the end. You have already broken the glass ceiling by introducing women to magic. It was their rightful place, but there are still some who believe that things are going to get worse before they get better. I’ve tried to keep them from doing anything stupid, but you can imagine my advice falls short.”
William tried to pull away, but my hands gripped him with my fingernails digging into the palm of his hand. I finally released him, and felt like a piece of me was going with him. It didn’t matter how far apart we were or if we couldn’t see each other. We would always be connected. My love for him soared into the sky for everybody to see.
“I look into your eyes and I see the most amazing thing. The truth is right there and there’s no way you can hide the way you feel about me. I don’t know why my father is trying to push back the wedding, but we won’t allow him the satisfaction. The very day you emerge from the monastery, in less than a month, is the day we finally stand to be recognized as a couple. The ring will surround us and the blessing will unite us.”
He walked out the door and I reached out to touch him.
“I know that was hard for you, daughter, but it was for the best. You were right about my reluctance to see you marry at such a young age. You still have a lot of living to do, but maybe I can be convinced otherwise. He is a good man, no matter what other people might think. We need to talk about what happened.” I told him everything leaving out nothing and feeling the desire to work on this together, but I didn’t mention the tiger.
“The voices you heard concern me, but we don’t have time to dwell on it. There has been a new development in Damien’s condition. It is quite troubling. He’s not responding to any outside stimulus other than your voice. If something isn’t done soon, he is going to lose the battle. I don’t want to stress urgency, but this is a matter of life and death. Whatever you’re going to do, you’re going to have to do it quickly.”
My father seemed distressed, and the look on the professor’s face standing at the door told me the seriousness of Damien’s condition.
“I still feel a need to talk to him again. There might be more he can say to shed some light on all that has been happening. I need to know what I’m doing is the right thing for him. I don’t even want to contemplate taking him away from his destiny. This could be the next chapter, and I don’t want to deny him anything. I’m not doing anything without some kind of a sign from him.”
"Friends make promises all the time, and then, they turn around and break them. You are doing what you feel is right. Talking to him is a good place to start, but I do think a cautious approach is necessary to get to the bottom of this.”
I kept hearing the voices, especially the laughter, and it was hard for me to forget something like that. I hadn’t told my father of how the voices were driving me a little mad. There was something wrong, and if I didn’t find out what it was, I was never going to be able to rest.
“I’ll know what to do when the time comes. Damien will find a way to point me in the right direction. I just need to be the guiding light for his way back home.”
Damien was caught between being a boy and a man, and I wanted to be the one thing he could fixate on to continue fighting. I would never forget how strong he was.
“I’ll take you to him and I’ll stay outside the door until you’re finished. My place is beside you and I will not let you
down. I have disappointed you in the past, and I can only hope to make amends. Life is too short to keep any kind of animosity in our hearts. It’s an ugly emotion,one that cripples us when we need to be ready for absolutely anything.” I thought of the days fighting Jasper and the Elders. It was a long road fraught with many dangers, but I had managed to barely survive. However, this one felt more daunting. I wasn’t sure if surviving would be enough.
My destiny was connected to Damien’s and vice versa. I got emotional from the look in his eyes and I had to listen to my heart. He was calling out to me to make him whole again. I had no interest in saying goodbye to Damien, but I sometimes wondered if this fight was worth it. There had to be somebody more qualified to pick up the sword, but there was nothing else I could do with the greatness thrust upon me. There was nobody else, and what was happening was meant for me. I felt like I was out of my league and out of my depth.
The voices inside my head were fighting to be heard; it was this deafening echo of desperation. I had to put it behind me, but wherever they came from was now clinging to me like a second skin. My shadow tiger was lying on the bed, stretched out, and I knew I was never going to be without him. He was my secret to tell, and I had a feeling he was going to come in handy for whatever I faced next.
Chapter Eight
I was thinking about my mother a lot, but I really couldn’t remember her face. Every day a little piece of her would be lost, and the only way to retrieve it was to go down memory lane. I found myself harboring some resentment toward her for abandoning me and leaving me with a loveless father. I still felt this even if most of those hurt feelings had been mended and my father and I were in a better place.
Walking down to see Damien once again was giving me vertigo. I felt like the walls were closing in on me, and there was nobody there to protect me from whatever dangers persisted. I had a huge undertaking ahead of me: I was going to have to climb a mountain that most considered treacherous.