by Darryl Fabia
“Oh, my head!” shouted a voice.
“Oh, my head!” shouted another.
“No, my head!” shouted a third.
The metal clanging went on and something crashed at the bottom of the castle’s stone steps, where Ica caught the glint of gold in the moonlight. “There’s a treasure here,” she said to herself. “And they must only be living men to complain about their heads and to lash out at gold. I’ll just take what lies there and be on my way.”
No sooner did Ica’s hand reach for the gold coins at the bottom of the steps than a much larger hand reached for Ica from higher on the steps. The hand pulled her upward, up the full flight, until she came face to faces with a horrible three-armed, three-headed troll. The necks ran like serpents and the hulking body filled much of the castle’s interior, having broken up the walls beyond where Ica slept. She saw a chance to escape here, for the entire back side of the castle hung open—of course, she had to escape the troll first.
“Greedy human!” said the head in the center. “How dare you touch our treasure!”
“Trespasser!” said the head on the right. “How dare you step inside our castle, as if you own this place!”
“Maybe she does!” said the head on the left. “Maybe it’s her place and her gold, and she is a princess who would find value in such things!”
The other heads paused and Ica stopped wriggling in the troll’s left hand.
“Perhaps we don’t need to eat her,” said Center.
“Perhaps she will stay for a long while and stroke our brows,” said Right.
The left head leaned close to Ica and poured a cloud of sour breath over her. “We each suffer terrible headaches that send us raging and ravaging across the land, and the only cure is the caress of a princess. Are you a king’s daughter?”
“No,” Ica said. “So you can let me go now.”
“Are you betrothed to a prince?” asked Left.
“No,” Ica said. “And I won’t meet such a man by staying here.”
“Perhaps your father is a king’s younger brother who will soon take the throne through murder?” suggested Center.
“No,” Ica said. “My father was a merchant, last I saw, and that was many years ago.”
“Then you are not and never will be a princess who can stay here forever and ease our trouble,” said Right.
“Not a chance,” Ica said, sighing with relief.
The troll shrugged. “Oh, well,” said the Left. “Was worth asking. I want her legs.”
“I’ll eat the arms,” said Right.
“The head is mine,” said Center.
“Wait!” Ica shouted. “I’m not a princess and I never will be, but I do know the way to Meadow City, where the princess of another kingdom recently wed the city’s prince. I can tell you the way if you swear on your hands not to eat me.”
The troll hand put her down and the heads swore in unison that they would not eat her so long as they acquired a princess to ease their suffering.
“Head east through the valley, pass the white-capped peak of Black Mountain, and you’ll find the Meadow City, where the castle sits highest. The princess will be in the highest room of the tallest tower, if popular rumor is to be believed, or in her bed chamber in the royal suite, which is more likely.”
“Head west to the valley, and find her in the lowest castle,” said Center. “Got it.”
“That’s not what she said,” growled Right. “She said head east up Black Mountain, where the princess will be on the highest peak.”
“You’re both wrong,” said Left. “She said in the highest mountain of Black Castle, heading toward the valley.”
The troll heads began grumbling and their three fists began hitting each head. Ica thought this was her chance to sneak away, but then the left-most hand scooped her up and the left head said, “Since we can’t straighten it out properly, she’ll just have to tell us as we go!” The other heads nodded agreement and Ica was swept out through the back side of the castle, leaving dagger and treasure behind.
“East, through the valley,” Ica said, and she said it twice more before the troll quit deviating. “Keep watch for Black Mountain.” The troll stumbled a bit through the snow, and Ica had half a mind to let him wander until the sunrise turned the monster to stone.
Then the center head brought up that very subject. “What if we can’t find it by dawn?”
“Then we’ll take shelter in a cave or under Black Mountain,” said Right.
“And one of us will be awake, at any time,” Left said to Ica. “It’ll be a long day for you, stuck in a fist.”
That sent Ica’s navigational skills flying and she urged the troll past Black Mountain, heading a ways farther east until the Meadow City came into sight in the moonlight. Its castle stood tall, as Ica promised, and the troll stomped his way closer.
“How are we to reach the tallest tower?” asked Center.
“We’ll stand on the wall,” said Right.
“She may be in the royal suite though,” said Left.
“That’s likely the one,” Ica said, pointing to a wall where the windows looked slightly fancier than the others. The heads wavered around, peeking through glass and knocking skulls together until they found the room where the princess slept. “Let me in so I can explain all this to her first.”
Ica hoped the troll would release her into the room so she could then run away, but they kept a firm grip around her body as they pushed her through the window. With nothing left to try, she whispered, “Princess! Princess, wake up!”
Princess Marissa awoke with a start and would’ve screamed loud enough to wake the castle if Ica hadn’t quickly pointed at the troll heads and ran a finger under her throat. The princess regained her composure swiftly. “How dare you enter my bedroom,” Marissa said. “What do you want?”
“Fair princess,” Ica said, doing her best to sound respectful. “These three troll heads suffer miserable headaches that can only be cured by a princess’s touch. Will you come away to their castle, stroke their brows, and protect the land from their pain-induced wrath?”
Ica was a sly one at times, and knew the expression of someone who thought herself clever. It was written all over Princess Marissa’s face. “Unfortunately, my dear troll, I am but a delicate waif, too weak to lift more than one hand at a time. You should seek my arrogant sister, who recently married the prince of the city near the lake. She is older, stronger, and better-suited to lay her hands on a troll’s heads.”
The troll heads sounded delighted, but Ica scowled. “I know a trick when I hear one, and you’re playing a game with us while I’m trapped in the creature’s grip!”
“Gentlemen, you should have your pet speak more respectfully to a princess,” Marissa said. “Otherwise, I won’t give the directions to Lake Castle.”
At that, the left troll fist shook Ica around until she felt her arms would fly off. “You show respect to the princess,” said Center.
“She’s doing us a favor,” said Right.
“And we won’t have you fouling it up,” said Left.
“Head west, past Black Mountain, around a valley, and past the lake,” the princess instructed. “On the other side, you’ll find Lake City and my older sister.”
The troll heads thanked the princess and ran off, though again it was Ica’s duty to remember the directions, get them right, and instruct the troll to follow them. They passed Black Mountain and the troll’s valley, and in time they discovered the city by the lake, and the castle rising from within.
A second time that night, the troll heads peered through windows and knocked skulls until they found the right room. When Ica saw the princess, who looked less crafty than her younger sister, she had better hopes that this time she’d exchange a princess’s freedom for her own. “Princess! Princess, wake up!”
Princess Ledine awoke with a start, but didn’t attempt to scream at the sight of Ica and the troll eyes peering into the room. “How dare you enter my bedro
om,” Ledine said. “What do you want?”
“Fair princess,” Ica said, again doing her best to sound respectful. “These three troll heads suffer miserable headaches that can only be cured by a princess’s touch. Will you come away to their castle, stroke their brows, and protect the land from their pain-induced wrath? Your younger sister in Meadow City said you would be better-suited to ease this troll’s woes.”
“Unfortunately, my dear troll,” said Princess Ledine, “I am a great woman, but I have only two arms, and so I could only pet two heads at a time. You should seek my strange sister, who recently married the prince of the city under Black Mountain. She is older, has many arms, and so is better-suited to lay her hands on a trolls’ heads. Head east to Black Mountain. Search among the lowest crags, between the highest cliffs, and you’ll find Mountain City chiseled into the mountainside.”
Ica sighed at being given the run-around again, but didn’t argue this time. If this third sister was so strange, she might take a liking to a troll, and if she had so many arms, then the troll’s troubles, and Ica’s, could finally be put to rest. She did find it curious that these sisters by blood would happily shirk the troll onto each other, rather than offer directions to some enemy princess if there was one.
The troll heads thanked Princess Ledine and stomped back toward Black Mountain again, though it fell to Ica once more to remember they wanted to find a city at the foot of the mountain, and nowhere else. They soon discovered the place, carved into the mountain’s stone.
A third time that night, the troll heads looked through various windows until they found the princess’s chamber, only this princess was not in her bed. A candle flickered in the room’s corner and she stood near one wall, cloaked in shadows.
“She is a strange one,” Ica said to herself, a little hopefully. The troll’s hand pressed her through the window. “Princess?”
Princess Murdress turned coolly, her eyes reflecting the candle’s fire. “How dare you enter my bedroom,” she said gruffly. “What do you want?”
“Fair princess,” Ica said, finding it difficult now to sound respectful. “These three troll heads suffer miserable headaches that can only be cured by a princess’s touch. Will you come away to their castle, stroke their brows, and protect the land from their pain-induced wrath? Your youngest sister in Meadow City said your other sister in Lake City would be better-suited, but then your other sister said you had many arms and would be best-suited to ease this troll’s woes.”
Princess Murdress sighed and stepped slowly from the shadows. “I am best-suited to deal with this troll and I will protect the land from his wrath.”
Ica had to cover her eyes, and so did the troll, for when the princess emerged into the moonlight, she shined as bright as the sun for all the gleaming metal she wore. Steel guarded her figure from shoulder pauldrons to breastplate, from gauntlets to greaves. On her back she wore a broadsword, a lance, a gnarled crossbow, and a chipped war axe. Daggers clung to her shins, sickles to her thighs, and throwing hammers to her hips. Two long hooks hung tethered from her shoulders and a monstrous pair of scissors crossed her chest. From one arm swung a heavy mace and a bola, and from her other arm dangled a weighted net and something like a thumbscrew, only barbed, twenty times as big, and so rusted with bloodstains that it probably had its own traumatic childhood issues, which it worked out through murder.
The troll reared back as Murdress charged from her window, leaping onto the stony cliffs of Black Mountain. Two chain-linked hooks swung around the troll’s left ankle, lashing his foot to a rock wall, and then the princess bounded up his knee, past his hips, up his chest, her gauntleted fingers digging handholds wherever bone or flesh protruded. One of the troll’s arms slapped at her, hitting his chest, and then the left arm dropped Ica onto a cliff so it could join in at fighting Murdress. The princess darted up one swinging arm, soared into the air like a shining star, and swung a throwing hammer into the troll’s left head, which slammed into the center, which then collided with the right. The troll crumpled to his knees. “Oh my head!” each mouth shouted.
Ica took this as her cue to escape, but she hadn’t finished a single step when the princess’s lance flew out of the sky, piercing the ground ahead.
“You’re going nowhere, troll familiar!” Murdress shouted, swooping down from the troll’s shoulder.
“I am no familiar,” Ica said, dodging a sickle as it swirled past her head. She ducked toward piles of rocks, seeking cover, but it seemed to do little good when the princess’s immense mace crushed to dust any stones that got in her way. “I’m a hostage!”
“No, my head,” the troll heads groaned, grabbing Princess Murdress’s attention with a stamping foot and a swinging hand that knocked limply against her steely armor.
The princess rolled over the ground, recuperating immediately, and then rushed around the troll’s foot, slamming her mace into the back of his knee. Standing firm between the troll’s legs, Murdress pulled the great coiling screw from her arm and aimed upward. “You and your pet will bother me and my weakling sisters no more!”
The warrior princess grinned gleefully, eager for the kill, but a mighty thud interrupted her. Ica’s thrown stone ricocheted off the back of Murdress’s helmetless head and the princess went on grinning as she dropped unconscious to the ground.
Ica had no time to savor her victory. The troll grabbed her yet again and all the heads screamed together.
“We’re sick of asking princesses to help us!” shouted Center.
“Our headaches are worse than ever and it’s nearly dawn!” cried Right.
“We’ll take what we need now!” growled Left.
The troll wrapped Murdress in a sheet from her bedroom and then jogged a wide circle around Black Mountain. He swung by Lake City, scooping up Princess Ledine and tossing her into the sheet. Then he rounded Meadow City and kidnapped Princess Marissa, stuffing her into the makeshift sack with her sisters. With three princesses captured and his hands now busy, the troll absent-mindedly dropped Ica just outside of his snowy valley and hurried away to his castle before sunrise. So much shrieking and howling came from the bag of princesses that one would think the troll had caught a nest of harpies.
Ica stood in a daze for a moment as the sun crested the horizon, and pondered whether to fetch her belongings from the castle or simply cut her losses and be grateful she was alive. She was about to turn around and give it all up for gone when three horses rode up to the valley’s edge, each carrying a rider.
“I am the prince of Meadow City,” said one.
“And I of Lake City,” said another.
“And I of Mountain City,” grunted the third.
“A horrible troll has stolen our wives,” the prince of Meadow City went on. “Did you see him pass this way?”
“He’s holed up in that castle there,” Ica said. “Only, the back wall is open, so he’ll see you coming, and from the front he can easily grab any of you through the halls and chambers. He watches all the passages, for he has three awful heads, each dealt with an equally awful headache.” Ica told the princes the story of what had happened to her this past night, and by the time she was done, the princes had a plan.
“Since you know the beast so well and the beast knows you, you will go in our stead to help free the princesses,” the Meadow Prince said.
“But I’ve only just escaped!” Ica cried.
“The troll should be happy enough without his headaches and to have his familiar back that he’ll be too distracted to notice when we strike from the castle’s other side,” the Hill Prince said.
“I have no intention of returning to the troll’s clutches,” Ica said firmly.
“You will do whatever we command to save the princesses or be tried for their kidnappings,” the Mountain Prince growled. “Then we will each bear a troll head upon a pine tree to ring in the Yuletide and display our victory over the beast.” The other two princes agreed before waving Ica on her way.
Ica wa
lked reluctantly under the princes’ stares, thinking up methods of escape, but she had no way to out-run horses. “Truth be told, I’d rather not die by troll or trial,” she said to herself. Coming nearer to the castle than the princes dared travel, Ica heard moaning and sobbing, and a spiteful snarling. “The heads must be at it again,” she guessed.
Yet when she crept through the opening at the back of the castle, she found the troll lying on the floor, hands clutching his heads, and the only sounds coming from them were moaning and sobbing. “Oh, my head,” the mouths complained.
The snarling came from the three princesses who faced each other, a few feet away from the troll. They were growling and shouting too, and each of their fair faces had gone red with anger.
“I won’t be first to touch the thing!” Princess Marissa shouted.
“It won’t be me—I was rid of him,” growled Princess Ledine.
“I already touched him with my weapons,” Princess Murdress snarled. “You two weaklings can do your part!”
They went on bickering and arguing, and Ica guessed they’d been at it for a while. “Poor troll,” she said softly. “They’re only making it worse.” Ica then spotted the troll’s treasure heap, a mound of gold, silver, and jewels that probably meant nothing to the princesses, but could keep Ica well and happy for a few years at least. She ran over and kicked it, sending silver dishes clanging and gold coins rolling.
The troll sat up at once and bellowed, “Who touches our treasure?” loud enough to snap the princesses from their heated debate.
Ica had only a moment to steal everyone’s attention. “What is the matter with you three?” she asked, glaring at the princesses. “I had heard that princesses were sweet and generous, and were good friends to all creatures, no matter how ugly or smelly, and especially to their own sisters. Maybe that’s only the case for princesses who sleep at the top of a castle’s tallest tower. But still, what kind of sisters send a troll after each other in the middle of the night?”