“Go on, try again.”
I was able to stay on this time, gripping the horse with my legs and clinging to the mane as Birana led it around the hill.
I spent the rest of the morning on the horse while Birana taught me how to sit, how to hold the reins, and how to guide the creature, while Hare watched. His eyes were narrow with envy, for Birana had not taught him. She did not ride with me but walked at the horse’s side as she told me what to do. I did not think of my task then, but only of what stirred in me when I was near her.
I was sore when I dismounted, and the insides of my thighs burned. “Thank You,” I said to Birana.
“You need practice.”
“I would be grateful if You taught me more tomorrow.”
She shrugged. “You’re quicker than I thought. You might learn.”
“Tomorrow?”
She shook her head as she glanced at Hare and Wanderer. “I can’t spend all my time with you.” She mounted. “The day after, maybe. We’ll see.”
Ulred and I went to catch fish the next day. His talk when we filled our skins at the stream was of Birana. Hare had spoken to him of how Birana was teaching me to ride. Now Cloudgazer, another of our band, was begging her to instruct him as well instead of leaving it to Wanderer.
“How happy Hare and I were,” he said, “as we traveled with Her. One night, as we slept, I heard Birana whisper in Her sleep and saw Her tremble in the cold. I longed to press nearer to Her, to give Her warmth, but saw during the journey that She shied away from our touch. I took off my coat then and laid it over Her.”
“You must have been cold,” I said.
“The air chilled my bones that night, but I was happy knowing that She was warm.”
“It would not have helped Her,” I responded, “if you had grown ill and couldn’t protect Her.”
When we had caught our fish, we washed as well as we could with the cold water, and Ulred told me of how he had carried water to Birana so that she could bathe inside a lean-to, hidden from the men by a curtain of hides. Ulred and the others, I had seen, now spent more time grooming their beards and hair. He glanced at me as I cut at my hair with my own knife. “You are fair enough,” he said, “but you wish to be even fairer now, do you not?”
I shook my head, although he had guessed at my thoughts. I would have to act against her, and yet I wanted her to think of me as fair.
“Your guardian Tal does not speak to Her,” Ulred continued.
“He doesn’t wish to offend Her.”
“It does not seem so to me. I see no respect in his eyes when he gazes upon Her.”
“Tal is afraid,” I said hastily. “All of this is strange to him. He has beheld an aspect and must live among strangers as well. He was told that all strangers are enemies.”
“Most strangers are.”
“But our old band perhaps feared them more than others. He must grow used to you, and he respects Birana more than he shows.” I was beginning to fear then that Tal might betray what he knew to the others.
Birana spent more time teaching me how to ride. As the days passed, my stiffness and soreness lessened, and I came to regard the horse almost as a companion.
The horse was a mare, Birana told me. She had named it Flame for its reddish color. I refused to ride the white stallion, which Wanderer called Storm, but the mare was gentle, and I grew to like its quiet temperament.
I had wanted to lead Birana into trusting me by passing this time with her, but instead my own will grew weaker. I would burn with the desire to strike out at her and bring an end to her spell, and then she would gaze at me kindly for a short moment, or say a few words, and a longing for something I could not name would fill me. It came to me that our battle had already begun, and that Birana, in some hidden way, was bending me from my purpose.
She had begun to help the others with their riding, but it seemed that she was favoring me, and this was creating hard feelings. Hare glared at me more often, Ulred grew sullen, and Gloudgazer often wore a frown on his dreamy pale face. Even Shadow was beginning to resent me. Birana, I thought, might be making these men weapons against me.
Tal was growing impatient, yet I could not strike, for Birana was never alone. I told myself that I was only waiting for my chance, but I was already hoping that chance would not come.
I needed to leave the camp for a time and went hunting with Tal. A flock of returning ducks had altered their course, bringing them near the place where our stream widened into a small river, and we were able to bring a few down with our arrows. The early return of these birds was, I hoped, a sign of a long spring.
A darker spirit had entered Tal’s soul. He cursed me whenever my arrow missed its mark, although his missed almost as often as mine. He did not talk of our new band, while we camped by the river, but only told tales of our old one—tales I had heard often. It was not until we were returning to our camp that he spoke of what I was compelled to do.
“How long will you wait?” he asked.
“Wait for what?” I said foolishly.
He struck me such a blow to my head that I dropped my ducks, too stunned to fight back. I winced as I picked up my game. “You know what I am asking, Arvil. How long will you wait?”
“Until I have learned what I can about her. I must be sure that she doesn’t use her powers against me.”
“She has no powers. She is as we are, even if those other fools can’t see it. She must eat and sleep and hide herself behind a bush to piss. She has no magic, only unholiness. Only an unholy one would tell us to keep away from shrines. How does she expect us to be called? She has no powers and deceives us.”
“She may be hiding her powers.”
“You spend too much time with her. She’ll lure you from your purpose.” Tal had hit close to the truth, for I was finding it hard to see evil in her. I had lost my fear of Birana, yet part of me still revered her; I had honored the Lady for so long that part of me still continued to worship anything that wore Her form. I was fighting myself, imagining her death, yet unable to harm her.
“I must get her to trust me,” I said. “I don’t think she does. I can only strike at her when we are away from the others.”
Tal grunted. I felt sorry for him then. He had pledged himself and Hasin to Wise Soul’s band, as I had, but he was unhappy. Wise Soul made decisions with his men or consulted with Wanderer, while Tal did as he was told, rarely speaking up. Hasin was his charge, and yet the boy sought out the other men more often. They, rather than Tal, were teaching Hasin what he had to know.
Tal was growing older. It was not likely that he would be called to an enclave again, and he had once looked forward to being a Headman. Now he had only the tasks of any band member. He could have learned much from Wanderer, but he scorned Wanderer’s tales and refused to learn how to ride or how to bandage wounds. Had he not been a good hunter, the others might have grown impatient with his stubborn ways.
I wanted to ease Tal somehow. “The bears are awakening from their winter sleep,” I said. “Our band should hunt one soon for we grow leaner without their fat. You might lead us on the hunt and show some of your skill to the others.”
He cuffed me again, hard. I was dizzy from the blow and longed to strike back. “Now you listen to me, Arvil. Strike at her in the camp if you must. What does it matter if you die as long as the Lady’s will is done? Let the others fall upon you—your soul will be welcomed by the Lady to Her realm.”
“I shall do Her will,” I managed to say, “but I’m not yet ready to die.”
“That doesn’t matter. The Lady should have given the task to me, but She did not, and I must leave it to you until I am certain that your will has failed you. If I see that it has, then I’ll strike at her myself and kill you afterward for failing the Lady. It is I you had better fear now.”
Firemaker was on guard by the hillside and Cloudgazer had come down to relieve him. As they spied us, Cloudgazer leaned toward Firemaker and whispered to him.
“Here he comes,” Firemaker shouted as we approached. “The Lady’s favorite.”
“Do not let him hear you,” Cloudgazer said as he arched his pale brows. “He’s favored, and he may grow angry.”
“Maybe She has missed your presence,” Firemaker said. “Are you going to Her now?”
I was silent.
“Do you think She will bless you?” he continued. “Do you think She will raise you up and set you over us? Do you believe the Lady is entranced by you?”
I walked past them, gripping my bow.
“He dreams of blessings,” Cloudgazer cried. “He thinks that She will come to him and lead him into the holy state.”
I spun around at that. “Be quiet,” I said. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”
Firemaker threw down his spear and pulled a stone knife from his belt. “You struck at me once. I bear your scar on my arm.”
“I was not of your band then. We’ve pledged ourselves now and must put that behind us.”
“Maybe your face needs markings, Arvil. Perhaps then She won’t find it so fair.”
I dropped my ducks and lunged at Firemaker, wrestling him to the ground. He tried to jab at me with his knife. I pinned his arm. Tal stood aside, refusing to help me as a smile played around his lips.
My head swam, still aching from the blows Tal had given me earlier. Cloudgazer pulled me up by the hair, then held my arms while Firemaker punched me in the belly. A sour taste filled my mouth. I kicked Firemaker in the leg. Cloudgazer held me more tightly as Firemaker thrust his knife toward my face.
“Stop!”
Firemaker stumbled back. Cloudgazer released me. Birana had ridden down the hill on Flame; her face was pale.
“You mustn’t fight each other.” Her voice shook as she spoke the words. “Save your fighting for your enemies.”
Firemaker and Cloudgazer backed away. Tal began to climb the hill, ignoring me. I picked up my weapons and my game. As I passed Birana, I muttered, “We fought over You.”
Her eyes widened. “There is no need for that.”
“Perhaps it would be better if You were not with us, Birana. I don’t think we can survive Your blessing.”
She dug her heels into Flame’s flanks and rode away from me.
Leaves were appearing on the trees, and the weather had grown warmer. Wanderer rode away on Storm to scout out the land, while Tal went off on yet another expedition alone. I suspected that he would go to Mary’s shrine to pray. The Lady might inflame him, bring him to act against Birana when he returned.
The other men were with Hasin, teaching him how to use the bow Tal had made for him. I had to act soon. Birana had been avoiding me since my fight with Firemaker and Cloudgazer. This had gained me an uneasy peace with the rest of the band, but I did not know how long it would endure.
I cleaned my metal knife, then sharpened my spear, chipping away at its stone point as I watched Hasin struggle with his bow. I told myself that only an evil one would divide a band against itself, but I knew too much about our nature to believe that.
I looked past Hasin toward the trees around our clearing. Birana stood next to Flame; her arms were around the horse’s neck as she whispered to it. My feelings warred inside me again. I thought of the pain the Lady had inflicted on me; I thought of how my murderous desire faded when I was near Birana.
Suddenly a vision of such power came to me that I nearly cut my hand. I imagined Birana’s hands on my body, as she whispered to me, and almost cried out before seeing that Shadow was at my side. “Arvil,” he said, “we must gather wood.” The vision faded, but not my longing.
Shadow motioned with his head, and I saw that he wanted to speak to me alone. We rose and walked down the hill until we were out of sight of the others. “Wanderer has spied the tracks of horses not far from here,” Shadow said. “He saw them the other day.”
I tensed. “Horsemen.”
Shadow shook his head. “These weren’t the tracks of horses ridden by men. Those ridden by men make deeper tracks. These are horses without men, and Wanderer thinks of capturing another horse or two, but he also believes that the presence of that small herd might lure horsemen to this region.”
“Then we may have to fight,” I said.
“That isn’t what Wanderer wants. He believes that we might be able to make a truce with such a band.”
“I have seen such men,” I said. “I saw them strike, just outside the Lady’s enclave. You heard what Wise Soul said when we met him. No truce is possible with them—they kill without mercy. We can only be stronger than they are.”
“I’ve lived among such men. They may not be so willing to strike at us when they know we have horses, too. We would not be so easy to kill as a band without horses. And we have an aspect of the Lady with us. They may want a truce with us so that She will protect them as well. Life would be much easier for us if we had no enemies nearby.”
“I was with a band of horsemen who sought truce with others. The Lady punished them.”
“I know of that, but Birana is with us now.” There was an odd tone in Shadow’s voice as he spoke of her. “This is what I want to say to you, Arvil. Birana begins to divide us. When She smiles at Cloudgazer, Firemaker glowers. When She speaks kindly to me, Ulred frowns. And you are the one whom She favors the most.”
“I am not. She avoids me now.”
“Do not deny what I say. I see how She looks at you even when She doesn’t speak. It is as if She has known your soul before somehow.”
“I can do nothing about that.”
“I speak to you as your true friend,” Shadow said as he put an arm around my shoulders. “We cannot live with such feelings building inside ourselves. If we make truce with others, they may come to our camp. They too will seek Birana’s goodwill, and such feelings may build inside them. We cannot have that.”
I wondered if I could now speak to Shadow of what I knew. “I must ask you something,” I said. “What if—what if Birana is not what She seems?”
“But I have seen that already.”
I pulled away from him, startled.
“Do you think I’m a fool?” he said. “I see the truth. Wise Soul has come to it also, and Wanderer as well, for Wanderer has seen many things and heard many tales. We say nothing in front of the others, but they will come to see it.”
“What have you seen?” I asked.
Shadow did not say what I had expected to hear. “Birana lives among us in a body of flesh and bone,” he murmured. “She is an aspect, and yet in some ways She is weaker than we. She has asked us not to pray in shrines or wear the Goddess’s crown, and that means we are deprived of the Goddess’s special blessing in the holy state. Yet that desire is still with us. I know what this means, and the others will soon see it as well.” He paused. “We must seek such blessings with Birana Herself. It is why She wears this body. We must each enter the holy state with Her in turn, and then we’ll ease the feelings inside ourselves and be truly bound to Her. Those who become bound to us by truce can also receive Birana’s blessing, and we will see that no one is favored above another.”
I gaped at him. “You’re wrong. She may smile upon us from time to time, but She resists even a touch.”
“It is a test, Arvil. The Goddess is testing us. She is waiting for us to see what we must do. Birana has said we cannot go to shrines while She is with us, so we must go to Her. How do you think we can be called and given boys otherwise? Birana will bless us, and through Her, the Lady will summon us to Her enclave. She wants us to see this holy way for ourselves. She’s setting barriers in our path to see if we are brave enough to overcome them.”
How could I tell Shadow about my mission now? He plucked at my coat. “This is why I’m speaking to you,” he went on. “She favors you, and I have seen that you have courage. It is you who should seek Her blessing first, and then the rest of us can follow.”
“She will strike me down for it.”
“She won’t strike you down. I w
ould go to Her myself, but I am still a boy, and it is a man who should receive Her blessing first.”
If I did this, if I went to Birana, I might never break her spell. “I must think,” I said.
We climbed back to our camp. Birana was upon Flame, watching as Hasin drew his small bow and aimed his arrow at a tree. He let it fly and it struck near the root. Birana smiled. “Try again,” she said in our tongue, then repeated the words in the holy speech.
I shouldered my quiver and picked up my spear and bow. My knife and sling were in my belt, and a waterskin as well. It was time, and I did not know how soon I could return after finishing my deed.
I took a breath and walked toward her. “I must speak to You, Lady.”
“Speak, then.”
“Not here,” I said in a low voice. “There are things to say that You might not wish the others to hear.”
I was taking a chance. She gazed at me for a long time, then said, “I’ll ride down the hill. Follow Me.”
Flame carried her down the hill slowly. Firemaker glanced at me angrily as I followed. When we were out of sight of the camp, Birana stopped. “Get on behind Me.”
I slipped my spear under the straps across my back and then mounted. I sat with my back straight and my arms tense, conscious of Birana’s waist under my hands as Flame trotted down the slope. I had not been this close to her before. I felt only the cloth of her coat, but my mind dwelled on what lay under the garment. She needed no weapons against me, for my longing had already weakened me.
Ulred was on guard at the bottom of the hill. He saluted as we passed, but seemed surprised to see me riding with her.
We rode east. I felt a chill in the air, winter’s farewell and a reminder that the cold would one day return. I could pull her from the horse, finish her before she knew I had struck.
“I suppose,” she said, “that you think I’m not pleased that you went to the enclave and returned safely. I couldn’t tell you before, but I am.”
I said, “You don’t often speak to me now.”
The Shore of Women Page 18