Sam looks incredulous. ‘You had one date and then nipped off to America to see if you could shack up with him?’ He shakes his head, ‘I don’t buy it. Something isn’t adding up. Knowing you and how much of a planner you are. Sorry Cass, but I just don’t buy it.’
He’s right not to buy it. I’d never normally behave the way I did this summer. Going to California like that was crazy. I stir my soup and let my eyes unfocus. A big sigh escapes from my mouth and I feel my shoulders slump.
‘Alright, so I told you he was in a band. Well, I used to love that band years ago. My friend Rachel came over one evening back in April and we got a bit drunk and ended up looking them all up on the internet. Don’t ask me why we did it… just curiosity I suppose. So then…’ I trail off.
‘So then?’ Sam asks. I rip a bit of my roll apart and dunk it in the soup.
‘I added him on Facebook, and quite randomly he added me back, and we started talking, and it was good, you know? Then, he had a couple of gigs over here and we did actually end up meeting in a bar, and… things happened.’
‘Naughty things?’
I look at him and smirk.
‘Ooh, you filthy little groupie! I love it. And that, I take it, wasn’t the end of that?’
‘Perceptive,’ I say, and Sam laughs. ‘And then I went over to LA to visit, where it was all going superbly, hence those mushy pics and talks about visas and whatnot, until his family came over and his sister-in-law dropped a nuclear bombshell about how his quite recent ex is up the duff.’
‘So?’
I give him a long, hard stare. ‘His quite recent ex.’
‘Oh,’ he says. ‘Balls.’
‘Balls indeed. So that happened in January and apparently she’s now ready to pop.’
‘Ouch.’
‘Tell me about it. Not really what I signed up for. So I came home.’
‘Are you sure it is what you think it is? Like, one hundred percent sure? As in, paternity definitely confirmed?’
‘No,’ I admit, hesitantly, ‘and she seems to have gone completely off the radar.’
‘Cassie. Maybe she’s gone off the radar because she’s moved on with her life. How many of your exes are you in contact with?’
‘That’s different. I wasn’t knocked up by any of mine.’
He looks exasperated. ‘Okay, let’s try this another way. Why has everyone jumped to the conclusion that he’s the daddy? There are other guys, you know. He’s not the only virile man in the United States.’
‘Then why did the sister-in-law say anything at all?’
‘’Cause she’s a shit-stirrer?’
‘And apparently her mate.’
Sam throws his hands up in the air. ‘There you have it then. A tenner says she was messing for drama, and it went too far.’ He finishes his sandwich and throws the packaging in the bin next to our bench. ‘Anyway, how are you feeling about it all?’
‘Shit, if I am honest,’ I say. ‘Just really sad. I miss him so much. Every minute. All the time. I realised when I was out there that there was nothing I wanted more in the world than for it to work out with us.’
Sam leans back on the bench and doesn’t say anything for a while. I watch a pigeon waddle over to us and peck at crumbs on the ground. He kicks up his foot and it flies away. Finally, he speaks.
‘Well it still could, no?’
‘I don’t know,’ I shrug. ‘Maybe the whole thing was just a ridiculous pipe dream and this is the universe’s way of telling me to be happy with my lot. I mean, LA with my teenage boyband crush? I am such a twat.’
‘Oh, my darling,’ he says. ‘You’re not. This is your comedown talking. But don’t let it rule you. Park this one for a bit. And if it isn’t what you suspect and you still don’t want it, then get back in the sea. There are, apparently, plenty of fish out there.’
‘I guess.’
‘Chalk it up to a nice holiday and a summer romance. You’ll be telling this to your kids one day, all about that time you went and had a mad Hollywood love affair with a rock star. Focus on the stuff that made you giddy and swelled your heart. Not on the thing that broke it.’
I close my eyes and allow myself to think back to everything good that happened in California. Mainly the little things. Possibly tiny, incidental things that Jesse might not have even known he was doing. I felt looked after out there in a way I realise I have never felt here. I was a bit scared of all the really intense feelings I was having, too. But I never didn’t want it. Leaving the way I did hadn’t felt like much of a choice at the time. I was protecting myself.
Sam looks at his watch. ‘Sorry to cut this short, but we have to get back. On to round two.’
The meeting goes on for the rest of the day. We are questioned about suppliers and costings and profit margins and Sam writes down a load of action points that involve trips out of the office. On the whole, everyone is happy. Management trickle out just before four fifteen and Sam and I stay back to pack up the samples.
‘That went okay, right?’ I ask, stacking up the melamine.
‘Absolutely,’ he says. ‘If they hated it, we wouldn’t be going to negotiate prices with suppliers. It would be back to the drawing board.’
‘Did I sound like I knew what I was on about?’
‘You did. And you do. Don’t doubt yourself.’
It’s nice, hearing him say that. It gives me a much needed boost. I might be a bit rubbish at picking men. I may be living with people who have no idea how to deal with such epic heartbreak and misery except to back slowly away from it, but at least I’m doing okay at work. At least I’m not a complete screw-up somewhere.
‘Shall we see if we can sneak off early and go to the pub?’
‘Err yes,’ he says. ‘Shall we see if we can get Mimi to buy the first round?’
Chapter Forty-One
Jesse
The Monday after my run-in at the studio, Brandon calls whilst I’m at the grocery store. I suspect, if the conversation is anything to go by, that he and Travis have been talking about me, and I get the feeling they do this a lot. I’m not sure how keen on that I am, but I can’t even begin to unpack that right now.
‘I feel like you were a bit harsh to Holly, perhaps,’ he says, evenly.
I’m pushing my cart through the dairy section and I’m so astonished by what I’ve just heard that I stop, abruptly, by the half and half and the woman behind me crashes into me. She’s all apologies but I wave them away and move to the side.
‘Really? Is that so?’
‘Yeah, I think she was just trying to patch things up. Apparently she was pretty upset.’
‘She interrupted my session to show me some bullshit photos that didn’t prove or disprove anything. Could that not have waited? Her timing was pretty shitty.’
‘Yeah, well, that wasn’t cool, but apparently she’d been trying to get hold of you. She probably just worked herself up.’
‘No, it really wasn’t cool. None of it was cool.’
‘I think maybe you should go easy on her. She’s not the only one who made a mistake here.’
‘I know,’ I admit.
‘And it shouldn’t be down to her to prove or disprove anything. Have you talked to Nicole?’
I sigh down the phone and it gives him his answer.
‘Jesse,’ he says, exasperated. ‘You can’t keep running from things that scare you.’
‘I don’t –’
‘You do. You invest yourself to a point, and then when things get tricky or don’t pan out the way you want, you run. You are a path of least resistance kinda guy, but it’s not always the way, you know?’
Always nice to be reminded of just how much Brandon has his shit together better than I do. I feel like I’m being told off, and I think maybe he should pipe down.
But I don’t call him out. All I say is okay. I’m not getting into an argument by the milk. Travis has been uncharacteristically quiet since that day, and I really don’t want to fall out with all
of my brothers. By taking the path of least resistance I’m avoiding an argument. This time it really is the best way.
‘You doing alright?’ he asks, tentatively.
‘Peachy, yeah. Just peachy. Getting on with shit, you know?’
‘So, we were thinking, you need to get away from LA,’ he says. ‘You’re not going to feel better by trying to pretend none of this ever happened.’
‘I’m not trying to pretend none of this ever happened –’
‘Sounds like you’ve been trying to pretend this thing with Nicole didn’t happen for a few months now.’
Alright, that’s enough.
‘Brandon, can you just not? I really don’t need this. No one knows anything for sure, and I’m actually right in the middle of –’
‘You’re a mess, Jesse.’
‘Yep. Thank you. I know, but –’
‘Lainey has not stopped worrying since it all happened. You need to get it together. Come and visit. I’ll buy your flight. We’ll head to Marin for a few days. Get away from everything. Hike up Mount Tam. Or drive out to Tahoe? Your call. I think it will give you some clarity and perspective and help you decide what you want.’
‘I’m good for my flight,’ I say, ungraciously.
‘I know you are. But we want to. No arguments. You need this.’
I don’t have the energy for this battle. Plus, he’s right. I do need to get out of here for a while. At the moment I’m just spiraling.
‘Alright. Give me some time, though. I have some loose ends to tie up. In fact, I’ll come the weekend of October thirteenth if that’s cool? Tam sounds good.’
Something tells me it would be better for me to be around people the weekend I was supposed to be going to that wedding with Cassie.
‘Sure… why specifically that date? That’s three weeks away yet. I was thinking maybe sooner.’
‘I was meant to be in England then.’
‘Oh.’
‘Yeah. Oh.’
I’m almost done shopping, and I don’t want to stay here any longer than necessary. ‘Can I talk to you later. I’m actually in Ralphs right now.’
‘Sure, why didn’t you say?’
‘I don’t know… path of least resistance?’
* * *
Trav’s phone rings eleven times before he answers, and when he does, he’s wary.
‘Things have been weird,’ I say. ‘And I don’t want them to be. So I’m wondering if you felt like getting a drink. Putting the world to rights. Clearing the air, that kind of thing.’
We meet at the same bar in Los Alamitos we went to with Seth all those months ago. It’s mid afternoon and the place is empty and echoey. I buy him a beer and we play a few games of shuffleboard whilst we wait for our food.
‘I owe you an apology,’ I say, when we’re back in our booth. The table’s slightly sticky. He waves his hand and shakes his head. Picks up a tortilla chip and dips it into salsa.
‘Don’t sweat it,’ he shrugs. ‘I shouldn’t have said anything about Nicole to Cassie, but in my defence I didn’t know you hadn’t had that conversation.’
‘She brought it up, you know? The day after. We talked about it. The stuff you’d said. She said your intentions were good.’
‘They were, man. I wasn’t trying to cause trouble.’
‘Not like…’ I say, and stop myself when Travis flinches. ‘Sorry. I’m not going to say any more about that.’
‘What’s going on with you two anyway?’
‘Trav, you don’t have to pretend like you don’t know. Brandon called me on Monday, I know you guys have talked. He gave me some home truths. Do you think I run away from shit?’
‘Well, I mean… you know… I know you don’t like to talk about it, but Franko… every relationship you’ve ever had. Now this.’
‘So that’s a yes?’
He wrinkles up his nose and nods.
‘I mean, it’s just you, you know? We’re all sort of used to it.’
‘I was trying to be more open with people.’
‘And yet…’ he trails off. He doesn’t need to say it.
‘I know. Isn’t it ironic?’
‘Alanis Morissette eat your goddamn heart out. Look, all I’m going to say is this: my dude, you gotta learn how to play the long game. Delayed gratification, that sort of thing. And you need to remember that when something gets tough it doesn’t always mean it’s gone to shit. You have to figure out what you want with this one, and to hell with anything else.’ He tears off all the meat from a chicken wing and drops the bones on a plate. ‘I saw what you guys had. That shit doesn’t happen every day, man. That shit was magical.’
‘Hmmm, my brother the hopeless romantic,’ I say, but he’s right. ‘When did you get so wise?’
I pick up a stick of celery and Travis knocks it out of my hands and shakes the basket of wings at me.
‘Have a proper fucking bar snack,’ he laughs.
Chapter Forty-Two
To: CassieB83
From: FredTed49
Hi Cassie, are you there?
Fred
* * *
To: FredTed49
From: CassieB83
Hi Fred, yes, I’m here.
How are you? Things going well with Tyler’s sister?
Cass
* * *
To: CassieB83
From: FredTed49
Ah that didn’t come to anything. She sided with Tyler. And now he’s moved out. Tried to take Martin. What an absolute bastard.
Anyway, how are you?
Fred
* * *
To: FredTed49
From: CassieB83
No! The brass neck of it. You can’t take someone else’s cat!
I’ve been better, Fred, to be honest.
Cass
* * *
To: CassieB83
From: FredTed49
What happened? You can tell me to piss off. But… *dons Frasier Crane hat* … Go ahead, Seattle, I’m listening.
Fred
* * *
To: FredTed49
From: CassieB83
Ah, it’s complicated. That’s all there is to say really.
Cass
* * *
To: CassieB83
From: FredTed49
I’m sorry. *Removes Frasier Crane hat*
Fred
* * *
To: FredTed49
From: CassieB83
It’s not your fault.
Cass
* * *
To: CassieB83
From: FredTed49
I could listen over a pint if you felt like it? Saturday? No expectations or pressure.
Fred
* * *
To: FredTed49
From: CassieB83
Thank you. But I can’t on Saturday. I’m going to the roller disco in Vauxhall for my friend’s hen night. Maybe another time. When I’m not so miserable. I’d be shocking company at the moment.
Cass
Chapter Forty-Three
Cassie
The season turns as October rolls around and it’s properly autumnal the day of Rachel’s hen do. There’s damp in the air and leaves underfoot. I’m the first to arrive at Rachel’s flat – which is unsurprising, since it’s well before the designated four p.m. arrival time. She opens the door and looks me over before squeezing me and inviting me inside.
‘How are things?’ she asks, relieving me of the fizz I’ve brought. I shake out my plastic-bag-strangled fingers and they throb as blood returns to the fingertips.
‘Things are okay,’ I lie.
‘Heard anything?’ she probes. I should have guessed this would happen. I swallow.
‘No. And I’m not expecting to.’
She shakes her head. ‘Still can’t believe it. What an arse.’
He’s not an arse, though, I want to say. He’s actually very lovely, and if you knew him, you’d know that. I still can’t reconcile everything, even a month on.
One by one her friends arrive. Bottles are popped, glasses are chinked.
‘You’re looking well, Cass,’ Lauren says.
‘How are you holding up?’ Mandy asks. They both have the same look about them. Sad eyes and sympathetic eyebrows. They both press their lips together in a way that suggests they know exactly how I am feeling. But how could they possibly know how I’m feeling?
‘I’m great,’ I tell them through ever so slightly gritted teeth. ‘More than great. Totally on the pull tonight.’
Rachel and Marie exchange glances and Mandy beams and claps her hands. I instantly wish I’d never said anything. I am so not on the pull.
‘Brilliant!’ she exclaims. ‘I love it. We’ll find you a nice rebound shag.’ How depressing.
The party kicks off in earnest once everyone arrives. Lauren brings out the willy straws, and she wasn’t lying; they are obscenely detailed, what with the veins and the wrinkles. Mandy makes Rachel perform oral on the chocolate penis with the minty fondant inside and Marie looks like she might be unwell.
‘What’s in there?’ Rachel asks, nodding to the box on the side Marie tipped up with.
‘It ties in with what we’re doing tonight,’ Marie says. ‘Open it.’
Inside are a pair of skates from the summer Rachel and I spent pretending we were in Starlight Express. White leather lace-ups with pink and purple lightning bolts up the sides. ‘Sadly they’re not showing Starlight anymore,’ she continues. ‘So instead we’re going for a nice dinner, and then on to a roller disco.’
Call Me, Maybe Page 26