by Dave Alfvin
Alfvin: And that’s leverage on the client to stay with the program…
Rosenfeld: Yes, the control they need to pursue is self-control, rather than control and coerce the other person. That may seem logical to you and me, but it is an absolute “newsflash” to these clients who, through their childhood families and the culture of this society have learned quite the opposite message: control her at all costs, she’s your woman…she’s gotta do as you say. Then, when we say, “That’s absolutely untrue; no way,” it blows their mind at first.
Alfvin: Here’s a question I’ve had on my mind. Can clients benefit from having a worthwhile hobby to invest time in?
Rosenfeld: Oh, yes. Fishing is a very good hobby we encourage. Many partner abusers have taken up fishing for hobbies.
Alfvin: I would think that a hobby would be an area where your clients could channel some of this excess energy or whatever it is into something they really and truly love. If a client came to you and said, “I never have anything to do. I’m bored and I’d really like to do something (name a hobby or interest).” Does your center help them or encourage them in this?
Rosenfeld: Yes, definitely. Some have gone into the dramatic arts. One of my clients joined a community theatre, though he had no experience at all. He really enjoyed the experience. Some clients bond more with their grandchildren, perhaps become more involved with their faith congregation, join a political group, help clean up the environment. There are many possibilities.
Alfvin: Now, as you look at your group, especially the clients who have been there several weeks, how do you begin to recognize that they’re beginning to turn things around?
Rosenfeld: I think a key piece is when they can begin to express empathy (feeling another person’s emotions) for the position of their partner.
Alfvin: Empathy. Ah…non-narcissistic behavior…
Rosenfeld: Yes, they’re not so self-centered anymore. It’s like: “Oh my gosh, she has a viewpoint and she had an emotional response, too.”
Alfvin: So now, when they have an experience at home when they hurt their partner’s feelings, now they feel bad about it. That has to be a turnaround.
Rosenfeld: It is, and they’ll say things like, “Uh, I knew I was going to have come to group and tell you, but I did this…” They’re very honest. I’m very impressed that the clients will come to the group and report when they’ve been verbally abusive and there has been some backsliding in their behavior. They may say, “I said this and knew I was wrong. As soon as I said it, I walked out of the house, followed my rules, took a timeout.”
Alfvin: So guilt is actually a good thing at this stage of their therapy because it shows the presence of conscience, correct?
Rosenfeld: Right, it’s the beginning of the thought: “This wasn’t a good plan for me.”
(Alfvin and Rosenfeld enjoy a light moment)
Rosenfeld: Honestly, many men have never had that thought before. We have to plant these seeds in their minds. Then, we want to “back the client up, time-wise” and we say, “The next time, walk out of the house before you resort to name-calling. You need to go back, get your thoughts in order, take a time out, return to the situation and apologize for what you said, something like, ‘I have no right to call you a name just because we disagree about the payment of the VISA bill. I think we should pay the whole thing; you believe we should pay the minimum payment. We can talk about this and even disagree, but I have no right to call you a name.”
Alfvin: Any other signs of a turnaround in a client?
Rosenfeld: It’s slightly different with each person with their own unique behavioral responses and their ability to catch themselves early (before the anger takes control). I had a client whose partner left him, and he used to beat up her dog (she left the dog with him) we knew he was starting to come around when he didn’t kick the dog anymore.
Sometimes you can just see an attitude change when they walk into the group session one night. They don’t have a chip on their shoulder and they realize that we really are on the same team and we want them to live a successful life. It’s all part of getting through this protective shield that clients first have. At this point their attitude is: “Okay, I’m willing to understand that this information is valuable and can really help me.”
Alfvin: When we first talked, you spoke about a screening process that assures that your clients don’t have any pathological issues (like mental illness) that need to be addressed by other professionals. You say you’ve had a very good success rate with clients who are willing to come to the sessions.
Rosenfeld: If I can keep them three weeks, I have them the remaining 26 weeks. If they drop out before that, they have to face the court. In our county, the court system is very responsive and they are participants with us in what’s called a Coordinated Community Response. We have a family violence coordinating council. It draws together judges, district attorneys, counsellors, people from court services, probation personnel. Together we review what’s going on here. There are abusers who think they’re smarter than the judge, smarter than the counselors and won’t abide by the court order to attend sessions. A warrant for their arrest will be issued, they’ll do a little bit of jail time and so then, guess what? They’re ordered to come back and attend group therapy. The courts are sending the message that blowing off therapy sessions for abusive behavior is totally unacceptable. Domestic battery is a crime.
Alfvin: And so, of the clients that make it through the first month and then through the 26 weeks, would you say you’re successful with 75% of your clients.
Rosenfeld: Yes, easily more than 75%.
Alfvin: That’s really encouraging. I wonder how many people know that.
Rosenfeld: We’ve even had former clients self-refer themselves back into the group. They say, “I’ve started feeling a bit tense. I’m coming back to group; I need another 26 weeks. Typically, these clients are beneficial because they represent a peer role model for a change. One client called the additional sessions his “insurance policy.” We charge clients who return on their own half of what they paid before, and if they return for more sessions after that, the sessions are free of charge.
Alfvin: How do you convince some clients that attending therapy is not a sign of weakness?
Rosenfeld: We tell them it’s not a sign of weakness, but ultimately, they have to convince themselves. When they use the tools we give them for the very first time in groups: these techniques, these strategies, for making “I statements” (e.g. “I feel left out.”) instead of an accusatory “you!” statement. So like scientists, they run this little experiment using “I statements” and when the conversation goes well and everything gets discussed and resolved, they have to sit back and say to themselves, “Huh, this conflict stuff seems to be working.” A light bulb goes on. “Maybe I’ve been trying it my way all these years, and I’ve been kinda stubborn and pig-headed. And now, I’m trying it their way and I’m going to run this little experiment, try and do what Maureen tells me.” Then they say, “I did it. I tried the experiment and like magic, it worked.” This builds the credibility of what we do…to turn people around.
Alfvin: Are wives and partners ever allowed to contact you?
Rosenfeld: No, they can’t call and ask, “How’s my husband doing?” But they’re always free to call the hotline (1-800-799-SAFE). As a counseling client, his material is confidential. We can get a release that will allow us to send information to the partner, explaining that services are also available for her, including support groups and the hotline. But we draw a very distinct line between her needs and his.
Alfvin: Another way that makes your clients also feel more secure in their sessions in knowing, “what goes on in this room, stays in this room.”
Rosenfeld: Yes, there’s a firewall and they’re absolutely protected.
Alfvin: Is there anything you’d like to say about the personal fulfillment you get from working with, and helping abusers turn their lives around these many y
ears?
Rosenfeld: This is very rewarding work. It’s important that people who seek this type of work be non-judgmental, to approach things with an attitude of: “These are worthy people, deserving of my respect. If a counselor can’t approach things this way, they’re in the wrong line of work. Many therapists I’ve known over the years have said to me, “Oh my gosh; how can you work with those clients? I could never do that!” My answer to them is blunt: “Well, you shouldn’t be in that line of work.” If you can’t suspend your judgment, you should not be doing this work. If you can approach it from the standpoint of, “I can help to change a behavior that’s really, really unacceptable, and simultaneously support him for how hard it is to change a 'life of belief,' but at the same time, absolutely holding his feet to the fire saying, “It is not acceptable for you to become abusive in any way…physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological, financial abuse, sexual abuse. None of this is tolerable.” But at the same time, we try to tell them, “You’re changing. You’re doing well so far. You had a successful conversation this week without crossing over to abuse.” We commend him for that. “That was doing it the right way,” I’ll say.
We’ve seen hundreds and hundreds of men change their behavior. They come into our facility every week, and honestly talk about themselves. It’s extremely rewarding as a counselor to see these changes take place. It’s so great to know that we’re helping, person by person, to make this a more non-violent world.
Alfvin: God bless you for doing this work.
Rosenfeld: Why, thank you very much. And thank you for writing this book. We counselors and clinicians are so up-to-our-elbows in work that we just don’t have time to write books. So, something like your book can do a lot to promote education and raise awareness. We need the writers to help get the word out, and that’s so valuable. Your book could reach thousands of people who are not getting the message in some other way.
Acknowledgments
Barbara Alfvin: thank you for bearing with me
Lundy Bancroft, author and contributor: what you write speaks to many in need
Dr. Michael Byun, plastic surgeon, Advocate Lutheran General Hospital
Tony Gibart, policy coordinator, Wisconsin Coalition Against Domestic Abuse
Pam Gustafson, friend of Teri
Dawn Lett, friend of Teri
Maureen Manning-Rosenfeld, counselor, Community Crisis Center, Elgin, IL
Michelle Meyer, executive director, Mutual Ground Crisis Center, Aurora, IL
“Nick” Nicolai, Teri’s husband and loving arm of support
The Racine Journal Times, for excellent news coverage of the events surrounding Teri
Tri-City Family Services, St. Charles, IL
Gretchen Vapner, executive director, Community Crisis Center, Elgin, IL
Mary White, sister, friend, and contributor; Mary Oochie!
Teri's Acknowledgments
Thank you first and foremost to our heavenly Father, who has had a purpose for me from the beginning. I felt Your presence with me all through those dark cold hours. Through Your grace, You saved me from an untimely death and are still working in me today. All glory to God!
Teri extends her love and thanks:
To Sheriff Christopher Schmaling
To former Sheriff Robert Carlson
To investigators Tom Knaus and Keith Dobesh and the entire staff of the Racine County Sheriff’s Department, for spending tireless, grueling hours searching for me. You are a first-class team and are forever in my heart!
To the Wheeling, Illinois Police Department and emergency medical teams, for quickly rescuing me. I will always be grateful.
To the doctors, nurses, and the entire medical team at Advocate Lutheran General Hospital, especially Dr. Michael Byun and Dr. Jiminez, for your exceptional care and concern. I will never forget you.
To Mom, whose advice and guidance helped me flee the abuse. I should have listened to you sooner. I love you.
To Dad, whose strength, humble heart, sense of humor, and hope still guide me today. You are alive in me! I love you!
To Tami, Rick, Patti, and Tom, for your support and shelter through the storms, and for your care for the girls! I love you.
To Cindy and Dave, for your kindness and generosity with the girls.
To Bill and Carolyn, for taking us under your wing.
To Marianne, for always being there and always being a friend.
To Sheila and Betsy for twenty-four-plus years of friendship. Thanks for loving the real me.
To Bill and Jan Johnson, I love you like family.
To Pam Gustafson, for your shelter, laughs, and friendship.
To Dave, my author…for your patience, sensitivity, and friendship.
To the entire, wonderful, Jendusa, Wadell, and Nicolai families, for your love and support always.
To all my friends at Bel Canto Chorus, especially Jan and Rudy. Thanks for all of the visits, the strawberries, and pink flamingos!
To my Norway Lutheran Church family, for your support of my family and all families in crisis.
To my beautiful community of Waterford, Wisconsin, you are a testament to what a true community is!
To all of our friends too numerous to mention.
Of course, to my husband Nick, for your gentle ways and perseverance. Thanks for putting up with me for nine years!
And finally, to my beautiful, precious children, Amanda, Holly, and Ben. What a blessing to be your mom! You are my first, my favorite, and my most important job! Love you! XO
About the Author
Dave Alfvin was born and raised in Elmhurst, IL; he now resides in Milwaukee, WI. Alfvin is an honors graduate of Elmhurst College (IL) with a B.A. in English and Education. He is a former high school English instructor, government communications specialist and managing editor of three publications.
Alfvin was first published in 1986 when he wrote record reviews as a contributing editor for "Stereophile" magazine. He has taught writing and composition to corporate managers and general audiences in a variety of corporate educational settings.
In addition to "Beaten and Left For Dead," Alfvin has written a humor book titled, "Husband Training Camp," soon to be published. Alfvin is also gathering data for a second true crime book with a (tentative) title of, "Middle Schoolers Who Murder." He is also outlining a completely different book in the "sports & leisure" category.
Alfvin enjoys his "alternative passions" of playing the piano, macro photography and golf.