by Debra Kayn
How could she explain that her mother killed her father?
"Oh, Jessy. Here I am going on and on, and you're upset." Sydney moved from the chair to the couch and grabbed her hand. "What's wrong?"
She shook her head, unable to talk or stop the tears from falling. There was nobody for her to discuss her problems with because what she'd done was unspeakable. Evil.
"Come here." Sydney gathered her in a hug and held her. "Whatever it is, it will get better."
The strength that kept her able to be a parent all these long months crumbled. She couldn't keep living a lie and letting Thorn take the blame.
Numerous times since finding out what Ed had done to Nikki, she'd admitted she wanted to kill Ed. She was only fooling herself into believing it was an accident. Fear might've driven her into protecting herself, but her anger toward Ed killed him.
Worst of all, she'd sat back and let Thorn take her punishment.
Now she was mixed up loving a man that promised her the world, knowing how he earned a living could take him away from her. She deserved to lose him, and yet if she lost Thorn, she had no idea how she'd survive without him.
"It'll be okay," soothed Sydney. "Let it all out."
Inside she screamed in anger. It was unfair that Ed hurt her daughter. It was unfair that she'd ruined Thorn's life. It was unfair that she would have to live with the knowledge of killing her child's father. It was unfair that one day Nikki would ask about her dad and she would have to choose whether to stick with the story and have Nikki end up hating Thorn or tell her the truth and lose her relationship with her daughter.
"I need to check on the kids." Sydney pulled back. "I think I should also call Jett and have him get Thorn to call you. Do you have your phone?"
She sniffed, covering her mouth and trying to get a grip. "I can't talk to him. Not right now. I just need a few minutes. Please don't let the kids see me this way."
"I won't." Sydney stroked her cheek. "Take all the time you need, and if you want to talk, I'll figure out a way to keep the kids out of our hair."
"Thank you," she mouthed, the tears starting fresh.
Alone in the house, she stood and shook her arms, inhaling suffocating breaths. She had to hold it all together. She couldn't fall apart now.
Chapter Thirty Eight
"Jessy," Thorn bellowed, slamming the front door of the farmhouse. "Where are you?"
He stormed down the hallway, peeked in Nikki's room, and strode forward to their room. "Sweetheart?"
Silence answered him. He looked around. Nikki's toys were still here. Jessy's clothes hung in the closet.
He pulled out his phone and pushed Chief's number.
His dad answered on the second ring. "Son?"
"Do you know where Jessy and Nikki are?" He walked back through the house.
"Haven't seen her. She didn't come to Brikken and drop off Nikki in daycare this afternoon."
"Fuck." He ran his hand through his hair, sweeping the strands off his face. "I need to find her."
"Check in with Grumby. He's the prospect that was watching the house."
"Yeah, will do. I'll let you go." He disconnected and put in another call.
Three fucking rings later, Grumby answered, "Yo."
"Where's my woman?" He strode down the hallway to the garage and found it empty. Wherever she went, she had the car.
"She's visiting Sydney. I'm at the end of the road, kicking back in the shade. She's been there for most of the afternoon."
"Don't let her leave." He shoved the phone in his pocket and turned to head toward the front door and spotted a movement outside the sliding door to the backyard.
He approached the glass and spotted Nikki's cat pouncing on a small red object near the garbage can. Knowing Nikki would be upset if her cat ran away, he unlocked the door and stepped outside.
"Hey, kitty." Hunkering down, he put his hand on the grass. "Come here, Boo."
The cat reared back and pounced toward his hand. He swooped Boo up. Looking on the ground, he found more red flakes scattered over the lawn. He picked one up and the paper-like object crumbled between his fingers.
"What the fuck?" He picked up two more and rubbed the pieces between his fingers. It looked like dried leaves or...
His head pounded, remembering Jessy's coffee can of saved rose petals.
Tossing the cat inside, he shut the door to keep Boo in the house and hurried to pick up all the pieces he could find that was still intact. Gently placing them in his palm, he carried the small collection of rose petals inside.
In a hurry to go to Jessy, he put the petals in a coffee cup, setting the mug in the cabinet above the fridge where nobody would bother it until he could find a better container.
Three minutes later, he pulled into his brother's driveway a mile down the road. Jessy's car was parked in front of the garage. Knowing she was here failed to ease his worry. Something was wrong. He'd felt it throughout his whole body for the last ten days.
He went to the door, knocked softly, and let himself in. One head popped up amongst the group of kids on the floor in the living room. He put his finger to his lips for Nikki not to scream in excitement at seeing him, not wanting to set off a stampede of his brother's kids running at him.
Nikki walked over to him. He picked her up and whispered, "Where's your mommy?"
"With Sydney. We're supposed to watch the movie quietly." She shushed him. "Then, we get a treat. Chee's being a good boy."
He glanced over at his niece and nephews. Their attention remained glued on the big screen as an animated show played out. "Do you know where Sydney is?"
"In the backyard but don't go out there. You'll get in trouble, and we won't get our treat." Nikki tapped her finger against his mouth. "You can watch the movie with me."
"I'll think about it, princess." He put her feet on the floor. "Go sit by Chee."
Nikki weaved her way between sitting kids and sat down. He left the living room and walked to the back of the house, letting himself out the back door.
Sydney turned as the hinges squeaked and sagged her shoulders as he walked toward her. Her reaction had his head pounding.
"Where is she?" he said.
"The side of the house. She doesn't want Nikki to see her." Sydney caught his arm as he stepped away. "Wait a second before you go over there."
"You're not keeping me from her."
"I wouldn't, but I don't know what is going on, except I know what it looks like when someone has lost all hope, and their problems seem too big to handle." A tear rolled down Sydney's cheek, and she patted her hand above her heart. "She's in pain, Thorn. She's really hurting and can't pull herself together. I'm worried about her."
"Keep watching Nikki." He headed to the side of the house.
He rounded the corner, and it took him a moment to spot Jessy sitting on the ground with her back against the house and her arms wrapped around her bent legs. She had her face buried in the nest of her arms. His lungs burned. Sitting there, she reminded him of Nikki.
Small. Fragile. Young.
He ran his hand down his face, checking himself. This was his doing.
He'd stopped looking at her age and had forgotten how young she was. He'd gone off to prison, trying to protect her, and thought checking on her by phone and visitations would be enough to know how she was handling the aftermath of killing Talbot.
She was twenty-two years old, and she'd killed the father of her child. He'd seen enough grown men lose perspective after killing someone to know that no matter how conditioned a person was to take another life; the reality was much different. Jessy had been forced to handle the guilt and trauma on her own, in secret.
He'd made a fucking mistake in thinking he was protecting her when he couldn't shield her mental state.
Looking back, he should've recognized the signs. She'd stayed on edge, ever vigilant at keeping Nikki safe to the point where she'd detached to what had happened. How many times had she avoided any conflict with h
im and instead suffered in silence?
Her moral compass punished her every day, and without being able to express her remorse, it was slowly killing her. She slept like shit and pretended everything was okay. Always, she had a smile on her face, willing to jump through hoops to make Nikki happy. To make him happy.
He should've seen how killing Talbot was breaking her.
Approaching Jessy, he lowered himself to the ground and leaned against the house beside her. A lot like Nikki when he found her shut inside the car, Jessy couldn't see the people around her who wanted to help her.
Much like grieving, she needed to go through the stages of healing. Of accepting her choices and forgiving herself. She couldn't live with the guilt of killing Talbot any longer.
He exhaled slowly. She wasn't going to be able to do that herself.
"My brothers...we were close in age. Only two years separate me from Olin, and there are two years between him and Jett." He let his hands fall to his lap. "When I was five years old, I overheard Jett and Olin talking with two other kids about going to the creek on Brikken land. Chief had already told me that I couldn't go with them. I was too young, but I wanted to do whatever they were doing, so I snuck out of the clubhouse and crept between the two buildings and went down to the creek by myself. When I got there, the boys weren't anywhere around."
He swallowed hard, remembering the view of his grandparents' burnt house where his grandmother had perished.
"I heard some commotion behind me and kneeled down in the grass, afraid of getting in trouble for not minding Chief." His chest tightened. "I heard my grandfather in the distance— Rollo...he was everything to me. If I was going to get in trouble, one look from Rollo to my dad was all it would take to stop Chief from swatting my ass. My grandfather had a way of making me feel as if I was the most important person in his life simply by putting a hand to the top of my head and looking me in the eyes."
He shook his head of the memories. "Nikki bonded with me because somehow, she could sense we shared something in common."
It made no sense to him how the human spirit could choose who to seek for comfort. To see the underlying pain of others and know that compassion could be found in someone that was a stranger.
His head pounded, remembering what he'd lived through and how Nikki had brought that pain back to the surface, haunting him.
"I couldn't understand how one little girl had such a hold on me, I couldn't walk away," he whispered.
During the times during the last four years that Nikki was shut in a car while her father partied and ignored her, he understood her silence. He understood being a kid. But, it'd taken him six months in prison to figure out what had drawn him to the child that he felt the pain and hopelessness she'd lived through.
He cleared his throat. "That day at the creek, when I heard Rollo, I stood up in the grass and looked around for him. I knew he wouldn't be mad that I disobeyed Chief and he'd protect me. I swear, I wasn't much taller than the wild grass that grows along the creek. I spotted Rollo coming in my direction. I ran toward him, but when I was about twenty feet from him, a loud explosion stopped me. If I close my eyes, I can still see Rollo standing in front of me. After that loud noise, I watched desperation flash in his eyes, knowing I shouldn't have been there. Then, this...this blank stare of death came over him. It took forever for Rollo to crumble to the ground dead."
His throat hurt as if that day happened only moments ago.
"I had no knowledge of death." He inhaled swiftly. "I didn't even know what it meant to die, but I knew what happened right in front of me was final and bad. I knew Rollo was taken from me and the pain of losing him consumed me."
He closed his eyes an extra beat. "My screams and the noise of the gunshot brought everyone on the property running. For years, I believed that sneaking away and breaking Chief's rules by going to the creek made Rollo die. It wasn't until years later, when I was older, maybe in high school, I figured out that not long after my grandfather was killed, Chief had sought retribution for Rollo and killed our enemy."
He looked at Jessy. She still sat exactly as he'd found her with her head buried in her knees.
"I remember the day Rollo was shot in front of me as if it happened yesterday. I can smell the sweetness of the grass on a warm day. The chaotic noise from the clubhouse. Chief's roar of pain at finding his father murdered and the rage that consumed every member of Brikken over losing their president." He waited until she lifted her head, letting it sink in that he'd been the same age as Nikki when they were both traumatized.
Bracing himself for the sight of her agony failed to stop the impact of her pain from hitting him. Sweat broke out on his forehead. He wanted to heal her. He wanted to take her guilt. He wanted to give back her innocence.
"Nikki will remember her father. She'll remember the bad parts, the fear, the abandonment," he whispered. "She will remember the dank smell of the car. The coldness of her wet clothes. The inability to stop the neglect." He inhaled swiftly. "Most of all, she will remember the truth coming out which stopped her years of torment and her mommy's promise to make sure she never has to experience the abuse again."
"I killed him," Jessy said through a rough and raw throat.
"You did." He acknowledged for the first time. "And, when Nikki is older and more mature, you have the option to tell her the whole story."
"She'll hate me and never forgive me." She hugged her knees tighter as she shook.
"You are her world." He wanted to touch her but knew he'd weaken her with any contact. "Just like I understood the feelings behind why Chief would go after Rollo's killer. I accepted it. I respected him more for taking care of his family than I ever gave a second thought that he'd taken someone's life. By the time I realized all that, I'd spent time with Brikken members who were rough and looked down on by society. I knew a different side of them —their acceptance, protection, and love made me believe that there's no line drawn between right and wrong, or good and evil. Love super exceeds any law made by man."
Her eyes, half closed from the swollen damage of crying, begged him. "I wanted him dead," she whispered.
"So did I," he whispered back, memories crashing in on him. "You love Nikki. That's all that matters."
She looked away. He simply sat beside her, letting her think.
Time passed, the sun lowered beyond the trees, and the yard turned dark. His legs cramped from sitting on the ground, ached and eventually turned numb.
And, he continued to stay beside her.
Eventually, as if her internal mother's clock rang, she pushed to her feet and said, "It's Nikki's bedtime."
He had a little harder time getting to his feet and his back spasmed as he shook the sleep out of his legs. "Go warm the car. I'll go inside and get her, then follow you home."
Whether he helped her by sharing his past or not, he had no idea. Hopefully, she learned that she wasn't alone. He would be there every step, every day, every minute. When Nikki matured and had questions about her father, it would be Thorn who'd be there to tell her how much her mother had loved her.
Chapter Thirty Nine
Nikki handed the hairbrush to Thorn. "I want you to do it."
Jessy planted her hands on her hips, challenging Thorn. Her daughter wanted her hair done like him, not knowing that she was the one who'd braided his hair earlier.
Thorn tilted his head. "Come here, princess. Let's show your mommy that I've held a brush before."
"Don't pull my hair." Nikki turned around, giving him last second instructions.
He gathered her long strands and brushed the ends. Jessy snickered and walked into the kitchen to the coffee maker and poured him a mug while he worked at the snarls in her daughter's hair.
Unable to stay away from him, she returned and sat in the chair across from them in the living room and slipped on her shoes, tying the laces. They both had the day off today, and she needed the downtime to regroup after falling apart yesterday at Sydney's house.
&nbs
p; She'd been barely holding on for almost two years—six-plus years if you count the moment she'd given birth to Nikki.
There were days she moved robotically through the hours, hoping she didn't screw up totally. She'd focused on Nikki, her job, the house until she'd finally receive that phone call from prison.
In desperation, she'd tried to go without Thorn after he left on his latest run with Brikken.
Believing she could sort her conflicting feelings toward the activities he participated in with the club from the home life she had with him, she found herself panicking without him. Her past came back and polluted the two things she loved most in the world. Nikki and Thorn.
"Ow." Nikki grabbed her head. "Don't pull."
"Don't toss and turn when you sleep and maybe you won't wake up with a rat's nest on your head." Thorn's brows lowered, and he slowed his strokes.
"Ew." Nikki giggled. "Rats."
He glanced up at Jessy. She shrugged, refusing to help him out because it was too entertaining to see his big hands on her daughter's baby-fine hair.
"Okay, hold still." He set the brush down and peered down his nose at Nikki's hair. After several seconds, he divided the strands into three with an egotistical smirk thrown Jessy's way.
Feeling bad for not helping, she said, "You need to hold the strands as you braid."
"I know." He nudged Nikki. "Tell your mommy I know what I'm doing."
"He knows what he's doing," parroted Nikki.
Jessy rolled her eyes. She dared not tell him that Nikki was holding still better for him than her or that he forgot a lank of her hair in the front. Thorn concentrated on moving his hands from left to right, one over the other, without pulling Nikki's hair.
The care he took to give her daughter what she wanted made her love him even more.
His life hadn't been all roses and kisses. The small part of his past he'd shared with her had helped calm her. He'd survived the trauma of his childhood and became a man that had deep principles about family and taking care of his loved ones. She hoped that Nikki would heal and overcome her past, too.