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He hit the speed dial for Cara and held his breath.
The last two times he’d called, she hadn’t answered, which was why they’d set a time to talk.
The phone rang a few more times, then clicked to voicemail.
Was this it, then? Was this how their relationship ended? Because he hadn’t been honest with her?
He sucked in a breath, reorganizing his thoughts to leave a message when the line beeped. He glanced at the screen and nearly pumped his fist when he saw an incoming call from Cara.
Nate switched calls.
“Hey,” he said.
That was it? The best he could come up with?
“Hey.” Cara’s voice was warm and vibrated with humor. People were laughing in the background.
“Are you…out?” Nate frowned.
“No, Mom was just telling Denis some old stories. We were looking through some photo albums from when I was a kid.”
“Oh.” It was such a normal thing to do and yet, given Cara’s strained relationship with her mother, it was unusual. “Should I call back later?”
“Now is fine. I’ve got to get to bed soon. I’m going to try to do my OT before work, instead of after, tomorrow.”
Something clicked in the background and the voices faded away.
“Work going okay? They aren’t hassling you too much?” Nate turned and wiped his palm on his jeans.
“Not too bad.”
“How about your mom?”
“She’s good.”
“Oh.”
Cara didn’t offer any further commentary, and Nate wasn’t in the habit of asking about either work or family. He didn’t know what to ask about or where to start, except the obvious.
“It’s nice hearing your voice,” he said. He waited a moment, but Cara didn’t offer a similar sentiment. “I wanted to…apologize, again, for not being more honest about my history with Ellie.”
“It’s okay.”
“Is it?”
“It just made me realize that there’s a lot we don’t know about each other.”
“So you’re not mad that I didn’t tell you?”
“I’m not…mad.” But from her hesitance he could tell he’d hurt her at the least.
“Where do we go from here, then, Cara?” Nate sat on the sectional and breathed in the smell of her skin.
“I…don’t know.”
“What do you want? Do you want to be friends? To be together? To walk away? What?”
“I don’t know, Nate.” She sighed. “I just…we don’t know each other well enough to make the kind of big decisions we were talking about. We were playing at being the same people we were back in high school, and that’s not us. We’ve grown up. We’re different. And…I don’t know how I feel about this new person I’ve met.”
“Bullshit, Cara. I know you like I know the back of my hand. You know me better than I know myself.”
“Then, why didn’t I know about the bondage? Or Ellie? Or any of that? If we know each other so well, why didn’t I know those things?”
“Because…”
“Why didn’t I tell you about my dad sooner? Why wasn’t I more honest about my life?”
“Do you still love me?” Nate leaned forward and braced his forearms on his knees.
“Don’t ask me that.”
“Do you? Because I still love you. What we didn’t say doesn’t matter. It’s just stuff. You don’t tell me about every time you go to the grocery store. Does that mean you’re hiding something?”
“It’s not the same, Nate.”
“I love you, Cara. I fucked up, yeah, but I want to make it right. I want us to be together.”
“I’m not—I can’t—I’m sorry.”
The line clicked, and Cara was gone, like everything good in his life.
Chapter Sixteen
Cara didn’t much care for the dark and early, but she hadn’t been able to sleep. She wanted to get off work in enough time to go by her storage unit and dig out some things. Just because she was going to stay in Omaha, didn’t mean that her life was over.
Nate was right about one thing. She could do more. She could be happier. Only, she’d be doing that here, alone.
Cara gathered her things, then tip toed out of her bedroom. Mom was the lightest sleeper in the world.
The kitchen light was on and Denis stood there, making a sandwich.
“You’re up early,” Cara whispered.
“I’m always up this early.” Denis glanced her way and smiled.
They made their lunches in companionable silence. The last two days, since the chat with Mom, were some of the better ones. They’d laughed. They’d talked about old times without getting angry or yelling. It was like they’d turned some sort of corner, together, as a family. Things with Nate might be over, but at least Cara’s relationship with her mother was better.
“You talk to your friend last night?” Denis peered at her out of the corner of his eye.
“Yeah.”
“Nate sounds like a really great guy.”
“Yeah.”
“You going back to see him?”
“No.” She hated the way her throat closed up and it was hard to breathe.
Cara blinked a few times, the world growing hazy. Denis wrapped his arms around her and squeezed. She hugged her step-father back and counted to ten, willing the grief that’d eaten at her all night to just go away already.
“What happened, Cara?” Denis held her at arm’s length. “You’ve been sad.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” She ducked her head and shoved her sandwich into the baggie.
“Hey. Hey?” Denis ducked his head until he could look her in the eye.
“I thought I knew him, but I don’t.” Cara lifted her shoulders.
“Nate didn’t tell you something and you found out about it in a…bad way?”
“Something like that.” Cara hadn’t told her Mom or Denis precisely what’d happened. She’d stuck with the highlights.
“Cara, you never completely know everything there is about the person you fall in love with. You just don’t. Most of us get over that, but you and your mom were burned in a bad way by someone who was supposed to love you. Don’t let your dad’s mistakes ruin something good, okay?”
Cara nodded and hoped the gesture didn’t invite more conversation. Things were so screwed up and twisted with Nate. Simply being in love didn’t solve things. She’d learned that the hard way. It wasn’t all secrets and holding things back, there was a practical side to it all as well.
Denis passed her yogurt and fruit for her lunch, then they went their separate ways.
Cara sat in her car, waiting for it to heat up. An old picture of Nate and her was glued to the dashboard. She couldn’t evict Nate from her life, but she didn’t know if being together was the right answer, either.
Nate paid the Uber driver then shambled up the walk to the front door. The world was spinning a little faster today.
Good.
Maybe he’d be a little less miserable if the day was shorter.
Or not.
Drunk logic wasn’t exactly good logic.
The door opened and Ellie gaped at him.
“Dear God, how drunk are you? I can smell you, you know? Give me that, before you drop it.” She grabbed the brown paper bag under his arm then guided him inside her house.
“Not drunk enough.” He planted a hand on the wall and carefully descended the two steps to the entry floor. “You got any juice?”
“There are two empty vodka bottles in here, Nate.”
“Yeah, I was thirsty.”
“Christ.” Ellie mumbled something before marching ahead of him and into the kitchen. “What are you doing here?”
“This was the only address I could remember.”
“You couldn’t remember your own address? It’s not in your phone?”
“Phone’s dead.”
Nate made it to the sofa and flopped down. He could be a lot drunker
. Problem was, it took quite a good deal of alcohol to get him to this point already. There were downsides to being a big guy.
“Here.” Ellie thrust a bottle of water at him and set a bowl of some sort of pub mix on the coffee table. “Phone?”
Nate handed it over. He had fuzzy memories of singing into it last night. He dreaded looking at the log.
Ellie perched on the other end of the sofa, studying him.
“What?” he said.
“Nothing.”
“It’s always something with you.”
“I’m just…trying to figure it all out.”
“What’s there to figure out?”
Nate had lied. Cara found out. It was over. He was pathetic. End of story.
The doorbell rang, driving spikes into Nate’s skull. He twisted the cap off the water and sucked it down while Ellie went to see her next visitor.
Nate’s luck, it was probably her next friends-with-benefits buddy.
“Is he here?” a male voice said.
Nate sat up and twisted, peering at the front door. His contacts were gummy and gross after wearing them for a full twenty-four hours.
“Hey, Nate.”
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Nate watched Bryan and Ellie walk back into the living room.
“I was actually coming to talk to Ellie, since I couldn’t get a hold of you.” Bryan stopped a few feet away, hands in his pockets.
“His phone’s dead,” Ellie said.
“Well, I guess this is better this way.” Bryan straightened, pushing his shoulders back. He glanced from Nate to Ellie and back. “I owe you both an apology. It wasn’t my place to tell Cara anything.”
“Damn straight, it wasn’t.” Ellie crossed her arms over her chest.
Yeah, Bryan had zero chance with Ellie now.
“It’s whatever, man.” Nate was done blaming Bryan for his piss-poor choices. “I should have told Cara myself.”
“If there’s anything I can do to make this right, let me know?”
“I’m sure I can think of something.” Ellie’s glare said she wasn’t letting this infraction go.
Nate almost felt sorry for Bryan.
“Sorry for punching you, man. How’s the nose?”
“Hurts. Are you drunk?”
“Close enough.”
“I’m going to stay over here, then.” Bryan backed up and sat in an arm chair.
“He can barely walk a straight line. You’re safe. Want anything? I was about to make lunch.”
“Do you have any juice?” Nate asked again.
“No, I am not making you a screwdriver,” Ellie called out from the kitchen.
Bryan laughed and Nate flipped her the bird.
Just because he knew he shouldn’t drink anymore, didn’t mean he was going to give up gracefully.
Ellie put together what she called lunch and Nate called finger food. He picked at the pub mix, not as into the idea of food as he was that screwdriver.
“Have you talked to Cara?” Bryan asked, once the coffee table was between them.
“You were supposed to last night, weren’t you?” Ellie drew her legs up under her. She knew damn well that he’d talked to her.
“Things are over between us.”
“What?” Ellie screeched.
“No, man…” Bryan’s jaw dropped.
“Why?” Ellie leaned forward.
“Isn’t it obvious? You hit the nail on the head.” Nate shrugged. “I lied, I kept shit from her, she doesn’t want to be with me.”
“I am so, so sorry, dude.” Bryan cradled his head in his hands.
“Me, too.”
“Are you done having your pathetic, boozy pity party?” Ellie tossed her pita bread back on to the plate.
“Fuck you,” Nate said without feeling.
“Seriously, I know you’re hopelessly in love with her and this whole thing has got to suck, but man up. Go beat her door down. Don’t slink off like a ball-less bastard.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Nate dug out a handful of the pub mix and picked through for his favorite bits.
“Yes, I do, Nate.”
“You don’t have a heart, remember?” Nate winced, recalling all too well her heart-felt email to him.
“God damn, you’re bitter.” Ellie sighed.
“I’m sorry, Ellie.” Nate scrubbed a hand over his face.
“Can I add my two cents?” Bryan asked.
“Go ahead, but he might break your nose again,” Ellie said.
“I’m with Ellie on this. Think about it, Nate. Cara has always treated you like her fierce protector. You take care of her, she takes care of you. When we played D&D, you were the tank and she was the healer. She was always glued to your side. Now, her go-to, safe person isn’t safe anymore. What do you do? What does she do?”
“You guys are such huge nerds.” Ellie shook her head.
Nate replayed a hundred D&D campaigns in his mind.
“What do I do? How do I…win her back? She won’t talk to me.”
“Go to her, duh.”
“Fly to Nebraska and show up on her doorstep? Yeah, that’s a great way to freeze to death.”
“She can’t really run away from you, if you do that.” Bryan shrugged.
“If it were me, I’d be too surprised to not listen,” Ellie said.
Nate wanted to be near Cara. To be with her. There was no denying that, but it couldn’t be that simple.
What if Nate showed up and she didn’t answer? What if she wouldn’t speak to him? What if that pushed her to really break up with him?
“You could be on the twelve-thirty flight.” Ellie scrolled her phone.
“No…” Could he?”
“You’d need a shower,” Bryan said.
“Right? Can you smell that? You still have some clothes here, so you can at least shower.” Ellie hadn’t looked up from her phone.
“Is this a good idea?” Nate wasn’t sober enough to trust himself.
“Yes.”
“Sure.”
“I’ll get the ticket and clothes, you get him in the shower.” Ellie leapt to her feet.
Bryan dared get close enough to grasp Nate by the wrist and haul him up.
He was going to Omaha.
He was going to Cara.
He was going to hurl.
Cara kept her focus on work at least through the morning. She hadn’t seen the guy from the cubicle two down again, at least not paying attention to her. Most everyone else was ignoring her, per usual, which normally was fine. But today it bugged her.
Maybe she needed to stop by the local game shop. There were always people hanging around there. She wouldn’t make friends like Josh, Bryan and Nate again, but she couldn’t keep relying on people so far removed from her life for company or friendship.
If she was going to get out of this rut, and she was, she needed to do things differently.
She pulled out her notebook to look at the list she’d made for herself last night. It was mostly things out of her storage shed, but she’d jotted down a few action items.
Her joy in creating things was back. It might not do anything for her in the long run, but it brought her joy. If she was going to make a change, it had to start with her. Being happier. From there, she could make other changes, and for once, her mother was on board.
Cara checked the time.
Did she dare power on her phone?
She’d left it off since last night and the disaster of a call with Nate. She hadn’t said anything she needed to, and what she had said wasn’t done well. God, she wanted to go back and do it over again.
There was still a half hour left of lunch. Even if she went back to work, it wouldn’t mean getting off earlier.
Might as well check it.
Cara powered her phone on.
Nine new voicemails.
She winced at the prospect of what might be on them.
One new text message, from Ellie.
Hey, I’m sending you a little something. Hope you like it!
Cara frowned at the text. What the hell was Ellie sending her? And how did she know Cara’s address? Should Cara be worried?
The voicemails were from last night, judging by the time stamps. More than likely, they were from Nate, and the kinds of things she needed to listen to in private. Hearing Nate’s voice made her cry, laugh and want something she didn’t know if she could have.
There were so many years of pent-up yearning, dreams, hopes, all of them pinned on Nate. Reality was different. What she’d imagined was not how things went. Yes, they were the same people. Nate and Cara. But they were different. Being home, looking back on her week spent in la-la-land was enlightening.
She’d fallen in love with her fantasy of Nate, but did she love the reality of him?
Love wasn’t the right word.
She would always love Nate, there was no question of that in her mind. They were too close, their lives intertwined in ways that she would always cherish.
The question was, did she hearts, roses and forever kind of love Nate?
She’d never considered what she wanted, besides him, and she’d never allowed for him to be anything other than the ultimate partner in her mind. Perfect for her. The truth was, he was human. Just like her. With secrets and all sorts of stuff that wasn’t the same as when she’d first met him.
In the end, she didn’t know what she wanted, but she’d figure it out.
It was all part of the New Cara Plan.
Not that there was a real plan. It was more like a couple sticky notes she’d shoved in her tote, but it was more than before. It was motivation to change. To shift out of this rut. To find her way. And she wouldn’t have gotten here without Nate. Or Ellie. Or the others.
Cara’s timer went off, signaling her cue to get the hell back to work.
She sighed, powered her phone off and got back to the data, but her heart wasn’t in it.
Nate was right about one thing, she used to be creative. She missed that. And getting to feed that part of herself for a week had reawakened more than just her need to sew.
Tonight, she’d see what was left of her art supplies. She’d sprung for a climate-controlled unit, but didn’t expect that to have protected anything. Between work, she crunched numbers and considered her options for new supplies. Nothing fancy, she was still paying off all that lovely debt her father had gifted her with, but she could do a lot with a little.