“Are you doing okay?” he asks. It’s a total dodge, but for my own sake I let him get away with it.
I shrug and wrap my arms around myself. “I’m fine, just confused I guess.”
“Confused?” Bas asks, suddenly only a foot away from me. “About what?”
With him this close to me, about a lot of things. The scent of his aftershave invades my personal space. It’s hard not to breathe it in and relish the scent. It’s something I could recognize instantly, just like the sound of Bas’s voice. I try to stop myself from looking up at him, but my will isn’t strong enough. Our eyes meet and my mind goes completely blank.
“Something is bothering you,” Bas says softly. “What is it?”
My lips part, but I can’t seem to form any words.
“Is it something I did?”
I shake my head slowly. I blink, unsure about my answer now. Was it something Bas did? Was it his arm around my shoulders? Was it how he made me feel? What about the fact that he admitted he could have pushed me aside so as not to risk hurting Tanner, but chose not to? Is it Bas’s fault that I can’t seem to think properly?
I want to blame it on him, but I know I’m as much of the problem as he is. “Bas …”
His eyes widen slightly as he takes a step closer. I would barely have to move at all to touch him, to feel the peace he brings me. My fingers twitch.
The crack of the door pulling away from the frame sends a shot of panic straight through me. Bas and I both jump back and turn away from each other looking flustered and guilt-ridden. I don’t know what just happened, or what almost happened, but my head is spinning. I can hear Tanner’s first few steps, quick and eager, but they slow to something more cautious and on edge.
“What’s going on?” he barks.
His voice draws me back, and as I turn around I can see the jumble of emotions running through Bas’s mind. Feeling guilty and responsible, I face Tanner and scramble to get out of this without hurting Bas.
“I had another dream,” I blurt out. “I wanted to tell you both about it on the way home.”
Tanner looks both relieved and concerned at this news. Bas just looks shocked.
“Well,” Tanner says, “we better get going or we’re going to be late.”
The three of us hurry down the street, Bas and Tanner listening attentively as I talk. The details pour out just as I remember them. The dream was really quite brief, so it doesn’t take me long. The questions the dream sprouts will take much longer to answer.
When we reach my front door, I open it quickly and poke my head in to see my dad sitting on the couch just as I expected. He looks up from his laptop and smiles. “You made it,” he says. “I was beginning to worry.”
“I’m here, but do you mind if I stay on the porch for just a few minutes. I was talking with Bas and Tanner about some plans for tomorrow.”
“Bas is out there, too?” my dad asks.
Bas must have heard him, because he steps over to the door and gives a quick wave. “Hey, Dr. Malo.”
My dad waves back, obviously pleased it isn’t just Tanner out here with me. He turns back to me and says, “Just a few minutes, okay?”
“Thanks, Dad.”
I pull the door closed and walk over to the railing furthest from the door. My two shadows follow. Tanner is the first to speak.
“So, Sibeal started the curse, or whatever it is?”
“Looks that way.”
Bas shakes his head. “Wow, that seems so unlike her.”
“Her sister tricked her boyfriend into sleeping with her. That’ll do things to a girl,” I say. My fingers rub my temples. Between Sibeal’s guy problems and mine, my head is about to explode.
“Yeah,” Bas says, “I suppose it would.”
Tanner leans against the railing. “I’m confused. You said the banishing, or whatever, would only last a year. Sibeal had to figure out how to make it permanent if she wanted to keep Darcy locked up. Are we supposed to help Sibeal keep her sister locked up or stop her?”
The throbbing in my head is getting worse. “I have no idea. They both sound pretty bad.”
“What about the stone?” Bas asks. “Do you remember what it looked like?”
With this headache? Not a chance. “I don’t know, maybe. I can try to sketch it out in the morning,” I say. “There wasn’t anything special about the actual rock. It looked like something from my backyard. There was this symbol on the top of it, though.”
Bas curses, surprising me enough to look up. I’ve never actually heard him swear before. He must have recognized something, and I doubt it was good. “What? Do you know what it is?”
“I think it’s a curse stone.” Bas’s hands tighten around the railing. “Without knowing what the symbol looks like, there’s no telling what it does. Even with the symbol, I doubt I’d be able to guess. But maybe someone in my family would know. They all believe in this stuff like it’s as common as potatoes.”
“I’ll try to draw it,” I say. I just hope I can remember it well enough to be helpful. The woman only opened the box for a few seconds.
“Don’t worry about it tonight,” Bas says. “Just try to get some sleep for now.”
Tanner nods in agreement. “We’ll talk more tomorrow, okay?”
“Sure. I’ll call you guys in the morning. I better get inside before my dad comes out.”
“Good call,” Tanner says.
He looks anxious to leave suddenly. Not too eager to leave without a hug, though. I half expect him to kiss me as well, but he opts for a quick peck on the cheek before stepping back. I’m not sure whether to be glad that he’s giving me space, or wonder why he doesn’t try anything more. I don’t have long to think about it because Bas distracts me when he steps toward me, closer than he should. I’m surprised he would do something so forward in front of Tanner, but the movement is only cover for something even bolder.
“Can I call you later?” he whispers quickly before pulling back.
No. My answer should be no. I give a quick nod before turning and stepping toward my front door. After taking a deep breath, I turn back around and tell them both goodnight. Tanner’s expression is rigid, but Bas claps him on the shoulder and pushes him toward the sidewalk before he can say anything. I flinch, hurrying inside as guilt squeezes my chest. As I drag myself into my room to get ready for bed, I am a confused mess.
Chapter Twenty-One
Dread spears me every time I think of Bas calling. Guilt for saying it was okay runs rampant. Excitement to hear his voice again, pokes at me over and over again no matter how hard I try to push it away. I don’t know what he wants to tell me. I can’t lie to myself anymore and say that Bas has no interest in me, or that I still think of him as an annoying jerk. What does it matter? Tanner is his best friend. Is he calling to tell me that regardless of what he might feel, it will never happen? Or has he decided it’s worth the risk? I collapse into bed completely unsure of which one would be worse to hear.
Sleep is nowhere to be found, big surprise. I toss and turn, alternating between clutching my phone and wanting to hurl it against the wall. The party was still going strong when we left, but how much longer could everyone possibly hang around? At one o’clock, I begin to doubt he will actually call. Maybe he chickened out or realized what a bad idea it would have been. Either way, it’s for the best, I’m sure.
I set my phone back on the nightstand and force myself to lie down and stop acting like a nutcase. He isn’t going to call, and that’s a good thing. I am halfway to regaining control of myself when the harsh sound of a vibrating phone jolts me back into total insecurity.
Picking it up, I don’t look at the caller ID. I can’t. Maybe it will be Tanner, I tell myself.
One eye peeks open.
Bas.
Maybe he’ll hang up or it will go to voicemail.
My finger moves of its own freewill, sliding across the screen and answering the call.
“Hello?”
If I
don’t say anything, will he hang up?
“Arra?”
I can’t take it. “Bas?”
He doesn’t speak, but I can hear a rush of air as he sighs in relief. “I was worried you wouldn’t pick up.”
“I almost didn’t,” I say, so quiet it’s almost a whisper.
Even though I think he knows the answer, Bas asks, “Why not?”
I bite down on my lip almost hard enough to draw blood. “I don’t know. I’m scared, I guess.”
“Scared of what?”
“Of what you want to tell me.”
The sound of Bas’s breathing betrays his own nerves as it quickens. “What do you think I want to tell you?”
My hand presses over my mouth. I can’t say it. I don’t want to. Saying it makes it real. Hearing me say it, I’m terrified he’ll be able to hear in my voice that part of me wants him, wants to be near him.
“Arra, please say something,” Bas begs.
“You said you weren’t flirting with me at the field,” I say, the words sounding much harsher than I meant them to.
Bas’s breath catches. He seems to struggle with a response. “I wasn’t. I wasn’t trying to, I mean. I just …” I hear the thud of his phone dropping to the bed, seconds pass before he picks it back up. “I didn’t want you to know how I felt, but it’s hard to be around you and not look at you or touch you. I thought I could get away with it without you seeing through me.”
Bas laughs, but it’s a pitiful sound. “I guess I was good enough, because you didn’t have a clue. I can imagine I’m the last person you’d ever be interested in. But I wasn’t good enough to fool Tanner.”
I am equal parts scared and ecstatic at hearing Bas admit that he likes me.
When I don’t respond right away, he groans and says, “This was a mistake. Arra, I’m sorry.”
I know he is about to hang up. Words jump to my lips, slipping out before I can think properly. “I wasn’t completely blind. What I didn’t see certainly wasn’t because I didn’t feel anything when I was around you. It was because I convinced myself we saw each other a certain way, and that was it.” I take a deep breath and say something I never thought I would say. “Me fainting had nothing to do with being dehydrated.”
“It didn’t?” Bas asks, his voice full of emotion.
I close my eyes, not sure what I’m doing. “No.”
Bas doesn’t say anything. I know he is waiting for me to say more, to explain. I don’t know if I can, but I have to try. Everything has to be said so I can figure out what to do next.
“When we first met, I thought you were such an egotistical jerk.”
Bas laughs. “Rightly deserved, but in all fairness, that’s what I was going for.”
“What? Why?”
“I knew who you were the second I saw you. Tanner had told me all about you, sent me your picture. I was happy for him, but pictures and stories weren’t the same as meeting you in person.” Bas sighs. “I wasn’t prepared to feel this way about you. I wanted you from the second I first saw you in class, but I couldn’t do that to Tanner, so I used what he’d told me about you to push your buttons and make you hate me.”
“I never hated you,” I admit.
Bas draws in a ragged breath. “I hoped you didn’t.”
“There were times that you drove me up the wall, Bas, but then I would turn around and you would be talking to Sibeal and making her feel accepted and welcomed, or holding my hand through stitches, or saving us from a car crash. You couldn’t fool me all the time, and even though I tried to tell myself that the obnoxious Bas was who you really were, I knew that wasn’t true. There’s no way you could pretend to care about other people like you do or fake the compassion in your eyes.”
I sniff and blink back tears, cursing myself for being so weak. Bas takes the opportunity to ask me a question.
“Arra, did you ever, I mean, do you …” He breathes out slowly. “Admitting I’m not the jerk I tried to convince you I was is one thing, having real feelings for me is completely different. If you don’t, please just tell me. I’ll never bring it up again.”
My hand trembles against my lips as tears cascade over them. A sob breaks through my control and I know Bas hears it. His breathing changes. I can hear his anguish, and I want so badly to sooth it. I can’t resist the draw.
“I want to tell you no, that I never did and still don’t have feelings for you. It would be the right thing to do, maybe. It would mean not hurting Tanner, anyway.” My shoulders start shaking at the thought. “I don’t want to hurt you either, Bas. I can’t lie and say I don’t have feelings for you, because I do.”
The burst of happiness that flows through the phone from Bas is contagious. He laughs and I can’t stop myself from doing the same. The joy is short lived, though. Tanner crashes back into my mind.
“What are we doing?” I gasp.
Bas groans. “I don’t know.”
Neither one of us speaks, but oddly, it isn’t awkward. Somehow, it is comforting to know that we are both agonizing over our confessions. Hurting Tanner is the last thing either of us wants. Aside from that, I don’t know what I want. I care about Tanner so much. One fight doesn’t mean our relationship is over. I don’t want to give up on him, but then there’s Bas, silent on the other end of the line.
“Arra,” Bas says quietly, “do you love Tanner?”
Everything stops. My mind quits speeding through thought after thought. My hands stop twitching and my breathing slows. It is a question I have never asked myself before. Tanner was there for me over the summer when I needed someone the most. After escaping the curse, he was my introduction to a new life in this town, fun to be with, sweet and passionate, everything I wanted. But do I love him?
“I don’t know.”
It takes a while for Bas to respond. “Arra, you don’t have to decide anything. I’m not even asking you to make a decision. I just needed to know if I was killing myself for no reason. I won’t bring this up again until you ask me to.”
“But that’s not fair!” I complain.
Startled by my outburst, Bas asks, “What do you mean? I don’t want to pressure you into doing anything.”
“So you’re dumping everything in my lap?” This can’t just be me. I can’t decide what the right choice is. Everything is too messed up and muddled to even think about. “You can’t expect me to figure this out on my own.”
“Arra,” Bas begs, “I can’t tell you what I want you to do. I can’t tell you that I think about you constantly, that it kills me not to touch you when I’m near you. I can’t tell you that I don’t want you to be with Tanner. I can’t tell you that I want you to be with me because I’m so in love with you I can hardly stand it.”
Breathing becomes completely impossible. My voice is a whisper as I say, “You just did.”
For the second time tonight, Bas curses. “Arra, I…I’m so sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry for being honest, Bas.” Tears roll down my cheeks as his words replay in my mind. No one has ever been so frighteningly honest with me. “I’m…I’m glad you told me.”
“You are?”
Blowing out a long and unsteady breath, I say, “I’ve been having a hard time being around you lately, too. I was so confused most of the time. I didn’t know what I was feeling, and I had no idea what you wanted. Along with all this stuff with Sibeal, it was getting to be too much. At least I know now. Not that it makes this any easier …”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“I’d still rather know.”
Bas sighs. “This wasn’t how I pictured this going,” he laughs.
“Did you really think I would tell you that what you were feeling was all one sided?” I ask. Bas may be pretty good at fooling me, but I know my poker face sucks.
“I hoped not, but that’s not what I meant.”
“What did you mean?” I ask.
I can hear Bas shifting, maybe lying back against his pillow. I try not to thi
nk about what it would feel like to be there next to him. I try not to think about waking up with my arm around him tonight.
“I meant telling you that I’m in love with you. Over the phone. Blurting it out. Then swearing at you.” He groans. “How lame is that?”
“It was honest,” I say simply.
The muffled noise of sheets or blankets being moved around, sends a shiver through me. I slide under my own blankets as well, pulling them close and wishing I wasn’t alone right now.
“Bas, I wish I knew what to say to you right now.”
“You don’t have to say anything, Arra.”
My frustrated growl makes him laugh. “Would you stop interrupting me?”
“Sorry.” He laughs again.
“I don’t want you to think that I’m ignoring what you said. It was beautiful, and you have no idea how it makes me feel to hear you say that to me. I want to tell you everything I’m feeling right now, but I can’t.” The emotion welling up again makes me sniff. “I can’t because I don’t know what telling you will do. To me. To you. To Tanner. I need some time to think. Is that okay?”
Bas sighs and I can almost feel him reaching out to me. “Of course it’s okay, Arra. I’m sorry I’ve put you in this position. I don’t want to hurt Tanner. I would never be with you while you two were together. I couldn’t do that to him. I hope you know that’s not what I was suggesting at all. And even if you stopped dating, that wouldn’t be any easier. How could I ask you out when he’s hurting over losing you? Arra, I don’t know what to do either. I want you so much, but I don’t know how that can happen without someone getting hurt.”
“I don’t know either.” I don’t even know if I want to be with Bas instead of Tanner. I couldn’t answer Bas’s question about whether or not I loved Tanner. Answering the same question about Bas is just as difficult.
Could I imagine myself loving Bas? If Tanner and I stay together, will I love him? Will I love him more than I might love Bas?
My head hurts, but it’s not the most present pain. The ache in my heart is devastating. “Bas,” I say quietly, “I don’t think I can deal with this until after we help Sibeal, or stop her. I don’t even know anymore. Until then …”
Soul Stone Page 19