by Renee Dyer
Brenna
Fluid obstruction. The two words Nick and I never wanted to hear again, yet here we sit, with Dr. O’Brien, telling us that’s what he found. My mind goes blank as Nick pales next to me. He opens his mouth twice and closes it both times without saying anything. I understand how he feels. I have no words either.
“I want you to go home and think about what I said. Call my office in about a week and let me know what you’ve decided,” Dr. O’Brien says.
Nick and I look at each other, then back to Dr. O’Brien, and nod. Fluid obstruction means I’m going to continue digressing and the progression is going to be brutal. Having been there before, I don’t want to put my sons through that. They’ve seen enough. I know I’ll be having the surgery before we even walk out of his office. Nick knows it, too. I hate seeing the broken, lost stare return to his eyes, but I can’t protect him from this. There really is no choice.
Two and a half months ago, we walked out of that appointment. We waited the week to call, but on the car ride home the day Dr. O’Brien laid out the surgery for us, we both had decided it was the best option. The only option.
We took the summer to prepare the boys the best we could for what was to come. Brady seemed to understand and had a lot of questions. Nate just wanted to know if I would have a big boo-boo. I answered their questions as honestly as I could and hoped not to frighten them. There were lots of nights of cuddling, random hugs, and many “I love yous” said. Sometimes, those extra moments of affection are all you need to push you through the feelings of doubt. I took all of their love and bottled it up in my heart to hold onto for the day of surgery.
It became a symbol of my strength.
Today, Nick and I walk into the hospital the way we walk into every major moment in our lives—hand in hand. When I wake up later today, I know he’ll be there, his brown eyes staring at me with love. He’ll smile at me and hold my hand. I take that feeling with me as the nurse walks me into the surgical unit. As I’m prepped for surgery, I realize there are three things stronger than fear: hope, love, and me. Chiari may always try to knock me down. It will always live in my head, trying to convince me to give up. Hell, it’s been doing that for years, but guess what? I’m still fighting.
I always will.
There are battles I’ll lose. I’ve already lost a few along the way. There are days Chiari will be stronger than I am, but Chiari needs to watch out for the days when I get my strength back. I will fight back with a vengeance and I will kick its ass. My spirit is vicious.
Chiari doesn’t define me.
I do.
It’s time Chiari learns that lesson.
And that lesson starts as soon as I wake up.
Acknowledgments
In life, there are people who support you through everything, who build you up, and let you know you are loved, no matter what. I was blessed sixteen years ago to meet the most beautiful man (he hates when I describe him that way). Marty is truly one of those wonderful people that once you’ve met him, your life is bettered from having known him. Not only did he teach me the meaning of true love, he shows me daily that he means every word of the love he professes to me. Marty has been beside me each step of the way as I’ve battled Chiari—holding my hand through three surgeries, helping me stand when I was too weak to support myself. He made me see that I was not a failure when my body made it impossible to work a normal job, and he supported my dream to start writing novels. Every aspect of my life, he has been the rock I can lean on, and there will never be enough words to thank him or tell him how much I love him.
Growing up, I wrote to handle life. It was my outlet for my emotions. My mom was the first person to read the jumbled mess I wrote and to acknowledge I had a gift. Maybe she was biased, but she has never, not even for one day, stopped supporting me. Not in my personal, or professional life. I can call her about my kids driving me crazy, advice about my medical condition, or trouble one of my characters is up to. No matter what I need, my mom is there. She has taught me what a mom should be and I pray, one day, to be half the woman she is.
I’m sure you hear authors say all the time that their families lose time with them. It’s true. I try to never leave my boys behind, but sometimes there’s no choice. My mind goes wild with the need to write and it can’t be denied. It doesn’t care what I’m doing and I don’t want to forget the thought. Luckily for me, I have three amazing sons who understand my crazy. Tannis, Aiden, and Sam, thank you for loving me and for being a constant inspiration.
Have you ever had that friend who is so much more? The person who pushes you to keep going? The one who helps whenever you need it? I’d be lost without Amie from We Stole Your Book Boyfriend. Without her, I would have never written my first book, and I definitely would have never published it. If she had never asked me, “Why am I the only one reading your writing?”, I would have continued writing only for myself. Her gentle nudges instilled enough confidence in me to share my words with the world, and here we are…four books in. She truly is my #1. I can’t wait to see what she and I can accomplish next.
I’ve been told time and again, “You can’t make friends on the internet”, and to that, I say, “Bullshit”. I have met some of the most incredible people EVER! Not only have I formed friendships that have allowed me to meet these people from all over the country, but some from across the world. Three amazing teams have formed, and I can’t wait to get online daily to chat with everyone. In the Die-Hards, we goof off and chat book love. The Tucker’s Sluts pimp and goof off. My Dynomite Beta’s read my jumbled words, help make sense of my babbling, and sometimes, goof off. There’s a pattern here. I like to goof off with my friends. All of these people make me smile, and I never want to know a day where they aren’t a part of it.
Every now and again, a person comes around who is destined to be in your life. A Supernatural watching, Mishaminion, who understands your love for Jensen Ackles, and never questions it. I was fortunate enough not only to find this person, but recruit her as an admin for my author page, and on several occasions, she has bailed me out when Chiari has knocked me on my ass, or life has just gotten in the way. Amy has been there time and again to fill in for me, and I can’t wait for the day I get to meet her in person so I can squeeze her like crazy. I may run at her like Misha runs through an airport, but that would really be for her entertainment.
I often worry no one will understand the mess that comes from my mind. My thoughts can be quite jumbled, and though I work extra hard not to show that in my writing, sometimes it flows through. Luckily for me, I found Monica. I couldn’t have asked for a better editor. I swear, she knows what I’m thinking and where I want my story to go better than I do. I cry, reading the suggestions she has for me, so excited by the ideas and the understanding she has of my work. There are no words to explain how incredible it is to have someone understand your writing so well they can expand on your emotions. People will say they feel they share a brain with someone because they think alike so much. At times, I believe Monica and I share a heart, we feel alike so often. I’ll never be able to thank her enough for bringing such beauty to my chaotic mind.
It is such a compliment when other authors are willing to read your story. It’s hard to explain why that is sometimes, but knowing how hectic their schedules are and the time it takes away from their writing, made it that much more special to me. K. Larsen, Kathy Coopmans, HJ Harley, and D. Kelly—thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. It means more than you’ll ever know.
You’ve heard me say this time and again, and guess what? I’m going to say it again. I adore bloggers. There are so many to thank that I can’t name them all out of fear I’ll forget someone. Bloggers are the most selfless people I know, promoting authors around the clock and never asking anything of us in return. Hours every day, they spend at their computers, making sure readers have the most up to date information on what’s going on in the reading community and very seldom do they get paid a cent. These are m
y rock stars. Thank you all for everything you do. I wouldn’t be where I am today without you! xoxoxo
When I started this journey, I truly believed no one would read a word I wrote. But, people did. Then they asked for more, so I gave it. I am amazed every day by the words written to me by you, the readers. You keep me going, pushing me to write better, and give you more. I’m so honored that you give me your time through reading my words. Thank you for taking a chance on me, and believing I could entertain you. Your faith in me is a constant inspiration. Thank you, thank you, thank you—I feel like I’ll never be able to say that enough for you to understand how much I appreciate your support. In the words of Ren Alexander (another awesome author), “You rock my fuzzy socks!”
Other Books by Renee Dyer
Healing Hearts Series
Waking Up
http://www.amazon.com/Waking-Up-Healing-Hearts-Novel-ebook/dp/B00J762ZWY/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1445270174&sr=8-3&keywords=Renee+Dyer
Eyes Wide Open
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00MLMIRMS/ref=series_rw_dp_sw
Beneath His Darkness
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00TVNU872/ref=series_rw_dp_sw
Table of Contents
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty One
Chapter Twenty Two
Chapter Twenty Three
Chapter Twenty Four
Chapter Twenty Five
Chapter Twenty Six
Chapter Twenty Seven
Chapter Twenty Eight
Chapter Twenty Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty One
Chapter Thirty Two
Chapter Thirty Three
Epilogue