Courtney laid a warm hand on her shoulder, made soothing circles with her thumb. “Of what?”
“Of sounding like a child.”
“Sweetie, you were a child when he left. Your anger with him is a child’s anger. That’s nothing to be ashamed of. You don’t see that?” Courtney’s tone was laced with a sympathetic sadness and Rachel was sure that if she asked her to, Courtney would do whatever she could to take care of her. The feeling simultaneously terrified her and filled her with a sense of wonder and contentment.
“I guess you’re right. I just…” Rachel let the words trail off and she heaved a big sigh. This was a subject she was so used to living with, so used to putting in a box and shelving so she didn’t have to examine it closely, but now… She wanted to talk to Courtney about it and the feeling was so foreign, she wasn’t sure what to do with it. She turned to gaze at Courtney, and her eyes roamed over the sweet, open face. Courtney’s complexion was creamy smooth without the slightest hint of makeup. Her eyes glittered with expectancy, with patience. Rachel noticed for the first time that the green irises were emphasized with a dark black line, making the green stand out even more. “What the hell is it about you? Hmm?”
Courtney smiled. “I’m just interested,” she said with a shrug. “I’m interested in you.”
The double meaning was not lost on Rachel, who leaned forward and tugged playfully on Courtney’s hair.
“Tell me more,” Courtney prodded.
Rachel breathed deeply, internally shocked that she was about to tell her deepest secrets to this woman—secrets she’d never told another living soul—but made no attempt to stop herself. It was as if she knew she had no choice and that it would just be better to let it out, that it was suddenly necessary to let it out. “I seem to have gotten angrier at my dad as I’ve gotten older. I guess it’s because as an adult, things become a lot clearer than they were when you were a kid.” Courtney shifted closer to Rachel and laid a supportive hand on her flannel-clad thigh; the contact bolstered Rachel’s confidence. “As I told you before, my dad left my mom when I was thirteen. To this day, I don’t really know the details. They kept them from Em and me, I’m sure because they figured we were too young to understand such things. Anyway, my mother was a happy, gentle, and kind woman. She wasn’t a terribly solid or strong one...she cried easily, she wasn’t great at making decisions without my dad’s input, but she was wonderful, the best mom a kid could ask for. Her home and family were her life.”
Rachel cleared her throat, surprised by the sudden emotion that welled up as she told the story. Courtney squeezed her leg gently, silently urging her to continue. “When my dad left, it was pretty much out of left field for Emily and me. We never saw it coming. Of course, we were kids, how could we, right? But we were shocked. He just left. He said he and Mom didn’t love each other anymore and he just left. Moved out the next day. As an adult, I think it’s safe to assume he was having some sort of midlife crisis. He was forty, after all, and I’m damn close to that myself, so I get it. I don’t like the way he did it, but I get it. But his leaving wasn’t the hardest part. Don’t get me wrong, it was hard…it was very hard. Worse than that, though, was what became of my mother. The sweet, gentle mom I knew disappeared in the blink of an eye. First, she crumbled. Completely crumbled. She was destroyed. She couldn’t keep up the house. She couldn’t cook meals for us. She stayed in bed for days on end. I know now that she was depressed, but then? I had no idea what was going on and it was terrifying. I didn’t know what to do, so I did what I could. I took care of us. I cooked dinner. I did the laundry. I got Emily up in the morning and ready in time to catch the school bus. This went on for weeks, maybe even months, I lost count.
“When Mom finally snapped out of it and began to get her shit together, she was not the same mother I remembered. She wasn’t soft and kind. She didn’t smile. Her mouth became this straight, angry slash of a line. Her eyes were hard. She was critical of everyone and everything and thought everybody wanted something from her. She had always been optimistic and the kind of person who looked on the bright side. But after my dad left, she was dark. She thought life was just a hardship and that if she didn’t keep vigilant at all times, something or someone would blindside her again. She’s still like that to this day. Every once in a while, I’ll catch a glimpse of light, but most of the time, she’s just hard.”
“God, you poor thing,” Courtney said, and Rachel was surprised that she sounded a little choked up, emotional.
“I realized a couple years ago why I have such a hard time with my dad.” Rachel swallowed hard, having never verbalized her thoughts on the subject to another person, not even Emily. “It’s not so much that he left my mother. I’m a big girl now. I know these things happen and they always will, and you know what? Maybe my mom was a bitch and I just didn’t realize it. Maybe she was impossible to be with. Maybe she was as much to blame as he was. I don’t know.” She shrugged. “My parents are just people and people fuck up. I know that. But…he just…left me in charge, you know?” Rachel’s eyes shimmered with tears about to spill over as she turned and looked at Courtney. “He destroyed my mother, my home, hammered it into rubble and then left it for me to hold together.” Her voice dropped to barely a whisper. “God, I was only thirteen years old. I was a kid. How do you do that to a kid?”
“Oh, sweetheart.”
“And then he goes off and finds some other woman and doesn’t understand why I don’t want anything to do with her.”
“Come here.” Courtney wrapped her arms around Rachel and pulled her close as a quiet sob escaped Rachel’s throat. “What is wrong with adults that they put that much pressure on a child? I don’t understand it. You did a terrific job, Rachel. Look at you. You’re beautiful and successful and from what you’ve told me about Emily, it sounds like she turned out all right, too. You did good.”
Rachel sat up and ran her fingers over her wet cheeks, embarrassed that she’d broken down, but somehow relieved that it had been Courtney who’d seen it. “You know, at the time, when it was all happening, I never really thought about it being unfair. It never really occurred to me that I was missing out on the most important years of my childhood. I didn’t realize any of that until I was all grown up.” She rolled her eyes with a grin. “And in therapy.”
Courtney chuckled. “Therapy can be a wonderful thing, can’t it?”
“You’ve been there?”
“Oh, God, yes. I was honestly bummed when I was told I didn’t need it anymore,” she said with a twinkle in her eyes.
“You liked it that much, huh?”
“I liked being able to understand myself, to understand my own reactions to things, you know? I liked being able to make sense of my thoughts and know that, for the most part, they were normal.”
“I probably should have stayed a little longer. When my dad’s second wife died…I was cold and heartless and I didn’t handle that well at all.”
“Most people don’t.”
“I didn’t go to the wake or the funeral.”
Courtney grimaced. “Ugh. Poor Ted.”
“I know.” Rachel continued. “I barely acknowledged that she’d existed, let alone that she’d died. I was terrible.”
“Everybody handles death differently,” Courtney offered.
“I suppose. Still. I think I owe my dad an apology for being such a selfish bitch.” She sat with that for a while, surprised at how easily she’d said it and even more surprised by how much she meant it. “Did you go to therapy after Theresa’s death?”
A string hanging off the hem of her sweatshirt suddenly became very interesting to Courtney. She swallowed as she toyed with it and inclined her head once in a positive response. “Yeah. Actually, Theresa’s death is sort of why I was hanging out in your hallway tonight.” She shot Rachel a chagrined grimace. “I thought I owed you an explanation.”
“For what?”
“For the other night. For freaking out on you.”
&nbs
p; “You didn’t freak out.”
“Oh, but I did.” Courtney chuckled. “I just hid it well. Sort of.”
Rachel gave a half-grin and nodded, but didn’t comment, thinking it was wiser to just let Courtney go on.
Courtney took a deep breath, blew it out, and stared off into the middle distance of the room. “I was having trouble not seeing Theresa even though I was with you. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw her face and I felt like I needed to decide who I wanted to be with more, her or you. Which is a ridiculous choice to force myself to make.”
“Damn near impossible, I’d say.”
“Right?” Courtney laughed, seeming a bit more at ease than she had just a few seconds ago. “I’ve realized that you’re the only one since she’s been gone that I’ve really wanted to be with. And that scared me.” The volume of her voice dropping significantly, she looked at her own lap as she said, “I should have talked to you about it. I’m sorry I didn’t. See…the people left behind by a spouse who’s died? We’re always uncertain because we always feel like we’re cheating on them.”
“That makes perfect sense to me.”
“Does it? Because it drives me up the wall. And then when I wish I didn’t think that way, when I wish I could just focus on being with you…”
“You feel guilty.”
“Exactly.”
Gently placing her fingers beneath Courtney’s chin, Rachel turned her face up and looked into Courtney’s eyes, eyes filled with so much…so much intelligent thought, so much emotion, so much to say. “Tell me about her. Please? I’d like to know. What was she like?”
*
Feeling a sudden inability to breathe, Courtney grabbed up their dishes and took them to the sink in the kitchen where she stood braced against the counter, hoping to get hold of her bearings. Grateful that Rachel didn’t follow, she tried to gather her thoughts, to stop the feeling of imbalance she suddenly felt. Rachel wanted to know about Theresa, and when Courtney thought about the expression on Rachel’s face, nonthreatening was the first description that came to her mind. Honest curiosity was another. Under most circumstances, Courtney found it easier to avoid getting into great detail about Theresa, but now…now she was astonished to realize she wanted—needed—to talk about her, especially to Rachel. It was somehow important now. Rachel deserved it, deserved to hear what a wonderful woman Theresa was. And she deserved to hear it from Courtney. Taking a deep breath and making a decision, she returned to the living room and plopped down on the couch next to Rachel, who hadn’t moved.
“Theresa was a smart-ass,” she began with a grin. “She was witty and fun and loved to bust people’s chops. She was always the life of the party.”
Rachel hunkered down into the couch more comfortably, her arm around Courtney, and pulled her closer. “What did she do for a living?”
“She was a teacher, just like me, except a better one. Her students loved her.” She furrowed her brows as she sorted through her thoughts and memories, trying to find the most important things about her beloved partner, the things she would want everybody to know. “She was Italian, and therefore, family was everything to her. Her parents and her brother were very close to her. We saw them all the time and they welcomed me into their hearts with open arms.” Turning her face to look up at Rachel, she said, “You’ve seen how close I am to Mark. We’ll always be like that. That’s how her family is. Even though she’s gone, I’m still a part of them. It’s nice.”
“That is nice,” Rachel said wistfully.
“She was kind,” Courtney went on. “She had a big heart and a generous spirit. She had a soft spot for animals. Like you do.” She felt Rachel’s smile against her hair. “She had a very quick temper. At the drop of a hat, she could be pissed off and you’d have no idea.” A deep chuckle rumbled up from Courtney’s chest. “It took me a while to get used to that and figure out how to deal.”
“I’ll bet.”
“And she loved me.” Surprisingly, Courtney was able to say the words without her eyes filling with tears. “She loved me with all her heart.”
“She sounds like a smart woman.”
“She was.”
They sat in silence for long moments, no sound but the distant traffic outside and the ticking of a clock somewhere in the room. When Rachel finally spoke, her voice was very low, as if she was afraid of disturbing the peace that had settled over them.
“I worry,” she said.
“About?”
Taking a deep breath, she plunged in. “Living up to her. Not measuring up to her. Being compared to her. Not being as good for you as she was.”
Slowly, Courtney nodded as she absorbed Rachel’s words. Peter had said this was probably what Rachel was feeling. “Well…I think that all makes sense and I think it’s all normal. I don’t know that I can make those worries go away, but I can tell you that I don’t expect you to live up to her or measure up. You’re not her. You’re not Theresa. You’re Rachel and you are your own person and I’m drawn to you for different reasons than I was drawn to her.” She snuggled closer, pulling Rachel’s arm more tightly around her. “I can’t say there won’t be bumps, but I do promise to try my hardest to be honest with you about them.”
“I think that’s fair.” They were silent again for a while, the muffled sounds of traffic and Saturday-night revelers drifting up from the street below. Rachel’s voice sliced softly through the air. “Would she have liked me?”
The question took Courtney completely by surprise and she craned her neck around to look at Rachel’s face. What she saw was open and raw honesty. “What?”
“Theresa. Do you think she would have liked me?”
Courtney grinned. “Yeah, she would have. You’re the kind of person who would have intrigued her.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well…you’re a successful businesswoman who’s obviously very intelligent, but you don’t say much about yourself. She would have spent hours trying to pry information from you, trying to learn about you.”
“Really?” Amusement shaded Rachel’s face.
“Really.” Courtney arched an eyebrow. “And she would have thought you were hot.”
“Really.” Amusement traded places with surprised satisfaction on Rachel’s face.
“Oh, yes.”
“Hot?”
“Smokin’.”
“Huh.” They snuggled more deeply into the couch, Rachel’s arm still around Courtney and holding her close. “Then I’d have to say your Theresa had impeccable taste in women.”
Courtney smiled and laced her fingers with Rachel’s dangling from her shoulder. “That she did.”
Comfortable quiet descended upon them and Courtney felt rather than heard Rachel’s yawn. Squinting at the cable box across the room, she saw that it was going on ten o’clock.
“I should let you get to bed,” she said, not moving. “You’ve had a pretty exciting day.”
Rachel tightened her hold anyway. “No. Stay right where you are. I shouldn’t be tired. I took a nap this afternoon. I think I’m just warm and comfortable.”
Courtney’s insides turned to mush. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay.” She burrowed into Rachel a bit further so they were very nearly, but not quite, lying on the couch. She kicked off her shoes and tucked her legs up into the cushions.
They were asleep within minutes.
Chapter Seventeen
Rachel woke with a start. It took her a few seconds of blinking and clawing through her fog-addled brain before she was able to get her bearings and figure out exactly where she was and what the extra weight lying across her body represented. She smiled when the facts became clear.
She was half sitting, half lying down on the couch with one leg bent at the knee and braced along the back of it and the other dangling off the side to the floor. Courtney lay snugly tucked between Rachel’s legs, her face resting on Rachel’s chest as if it had always been there, as if that’s where she bel
onged. The room was dark, the living-room light having been clicked off by its timer several hours earlier. Rachel remained still for a long time, drinking in the sight of a sleeping Courtney, caught the twitch as she smiled in slumber, felt the rise and fall of her back under Rachel’s hand as she drew breath.
Rachel had no idea how long she watched Courtney. It could have been seconds. It might have been hours. She only knew that she hadn’t felt quite so relaxed, so content in the presence of somebody else in a very, very long time.
Almost sensing the gaze focused on her, Courtney awoke, her eyes fluttering open, her lungs expanding with that big waking-up breath the body takes as it pulls out of slumber.
Saying nothing, Courtney finally lifted her head and gazed up into Rachel’s eyes. Rachel smiled tenderly down at her. Courtney lifted her right hand and ran her fingertips over Rachel’s bottom lip, barely grazing the skin, fluttering like the wings of a butterfly.
Rachel inhaled quietly and suddenly at the touch. She watched as Courtney studied her own hand, traced the same path once again. Rachel was astonished as the contact sizzled all the way down her body to settle in her groin. She slipped her own hands up the flat, muscular planes of Courtney’s back and dug her fingers into the thick mass of curls, capturing Courtney’s head and holding it still, staring directly into her eyes.
It wasn’t clear who moved first, but in a flash, they were kissing. Roughly. The couch seemed to absorb them, pulling them down into the leather as if it had arms, snuggling them into the buttery-soft cushions as their limbs tangled and their breaths became ragged gasps.
“God, I want you.” Rachel pulled away just far enough to be able to form the words. “I want you so much.”
“Then take me to bed,” Courtney replied.
“Are you sure?”
Courtney responded by pushing her tongue back into Rachel’s warm mouth, leaving absolutely no doubts.
Rachel shifted beneath Courtney’s body and succeeded only in rolling them right off the couch and onto the floor with a thud. Stopping their kissing only long enough to laugh at the tumble, their mouths found one another again, like magnet and steel, unable to stay apart. Each helping the other to her feet, they continued the fervent exploration of lips, teeth, and tongue, while at the same time, leaving a trail of clothing behind them. They somehow managed to stumble through the living room, down the hall, past the bathroom and the office, to the bedroom, without falling or causing damage to any household items. By the time they bumped up against the queen-size mattress and actually pried their mouths apart, Courtney was standing in her white lace bra and matching cotton panties and Rachel was topless, clad only in the flannel bottoms.
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