Come Alive (The Cityscape Series)

by Jessica Hawkins

  Goose bumps sprang over my body at his words. Whole. Make me whole again. He continued before I had a chance to let the meaning sink in. “We separated because it felt necessary at the time, but I would’ve died before I let her get away.”

  I looked away and held a tissue to the corner of my eye.

  “Now, now. That doesn’t mean it’s not normal to have doubts about your partner. It’s not common to be so sure. Dav and I were different. We had an exceptional love.”

  He drew me back to him. I had declared to Lucy that I didn’t believe in soul mates, but contrary evidence held me in its arms. Did I have any doubt that Mack and Davena were meant to be? Or even Lucy and Andrew for that matter? What if I’ve been wrong all along? What if there is such a thing as soul mates, and what if . . . ?

  David recalled something unidentifiable in me that I’d been missing since my parents’ divorce. His embrace, his scent, his adoration felt natural, effortless. When I was away from him I was cold and empty and longing for something more. Why then is it so wrong?

  I’d been trying to rationalize away my fears about making a home with Bill. But the image he’d painted for me was different than what I’d seen in the Oak Park house. He had seen us, children, a warm and open home. And what had I seen? David.

  It was true, I thought. I’d done a terrible thing. I’d led Bill to believe that he could trust in me.

  Was there a wrong way to fall in love? I couldn’t remember when or how it had happened with Bill. Gretchen had called him safe. He couldn’t hurt me because I wouldn’t let him close enough for that. He couldn’t hurt me because he wouldn’t, and I had known that from the start.

  Bill didn’t deserve to be loved with my hands on the wheel, controlling the direction we took. Even though he couldn’t understand the depth of it, I was hurting him – I had been even before I’d met David. And the way David opened and closed to me, as though he was fighting himself, I saw that I was hurting him as well.

  Things could not continue as they were.

  There was only one option. The idea of losing David constricted around my heart like a snake. When he returned, I would have to end things for good. I’d taken a vow, and even if David thought he wanted more from me, it wasn’t mine to give. And not only that, but he, as a lifelong bachelor, couldn’t understand what more meant.

  I wanted to tell David everything. Every feeling I’d experienced since the moment I had met him; what it had meant to make love with him and how it felt to become one with him. But saying those things to him was even worse than my physical betrayal, and so I had to bury it. There was no other way.

  Mack never once asked what it was I had done because to him, it didn’t matter. He loved me regardless. “Come now,” he said into my hair. “Let me make you some tea, and we can catch up.”

  The three of us spent the morning remembering Davena. The despair I’d been holding in over her death flowed from me finally. Mack told us about her foundation, and how he had been coping by pouring himself into it. We talked about work, and he congratulated me on my promotion, assuring me that Davena would have been proud.

  On the walk back to the car, Bill was quiet. My time with Mack had been cathartic in many ways. And though I knew what I had to do, I felt no clarity from my decision.

  As the silence dragged uncomfortably between us, I chewed my cheek anxiously.

  “You never cry in front of me,” he said finally, squinting ahead.

  I swallowed, unsure of how to respond. But he didn’t look like he wanted me to. On the way home, I sought the words to comfort him but came up short. I didn’t know how exactly I would proceed, only that something had to give.

  ~

  Bill crossed the bathroom and raised his eyebrows at me. “Wow.”

  “I hope that’s a good wow.”

  “Where’d you get that?”

  “The costume shop.” I looked down at the ivory floor-length ball gown that billowed out from a tight corset. My breasts were trussed up, and I had pinned half of my hair back and curled the rest into soft, brown waves. “Do you like it?”

  “Yeah.”

  I brushed my hand over the fabric of the skirt. “Do you really?”

  He straightened his tie and smoothed back a few stray pieces of his hair. “I said yeah. I like it. It looks expensive though.”

  “It’s a rental,” I said with a shrug.

  “A rental,” he said with a scoff. “For one night? Is that practical?”

  “It’s a special occasion, babe.”

  He grabbed his mask from the table and slid it on. It skewed left a little, a black piece of plastic with two cutouts for his eyes. I’d bought it for ninety-nine cents, knowing he wouldn’t wear anything elaborate.

  “How do I look?” he asked.

  “Good.” I picked up my own mask and fingered it. It had come with the dress and was more intricate: ivory lace overlay, glass pearls at the corners of the eyes and a spray of white feathers off to the side.

  “What’s wrong? Are you still upset about this afternoon?”

  “No.” I gave him a reassuring smile.

  “K.” His shoulders slackened, and he smiled goofily. “Tonight’s going to be fun. I’m looking forward to it.”

  I nodded, wondering at his shifty mood. As of late, our dispositions had rarely been on the same page. So as I stretched the mask over my hair and fixed it on my face, I promised myself that I would be in high spirits for the night. No matter what.

  CHAPTER 18

  TICKETS TO THE BALL had been expensive, but Bill knew how much supporting the shelter meant to me. It was held at a private mansion just outside the city, a lavish home with curved staircases and velvety gold décor that reeked of luxury. Bill and I circled the silent auction table, joking about how much we would bid on an eighty-two-foot yacht or a ten-day Jamaican vacation. We found Lucy and Andrew hovering over courtside seats for the Bulls, and I shook my head at Bill as soon as he gave me a pleading look.

  “You look stunning,” Andrew said, appraising me. “Well done!”

  “Thanks,” I said with a sheepish smile. “You guys too.”

  Lucy donned an ornate sky blue dress that matched both Andrew’s tie and her Venetian mask.

  “Your waist is so tiny in that dress,” I heard from behind me.

  “Oh. Hi, Dani.”

  “Really Liv, you’re so little.”

  “I’m not little,” I said with a hint of irritation. “Lucy is barely five feet – she’s little.”

  “You know what I mean – skinny,” Dani said, waving her hand nonchalantly. Her chocolate hair was long and luxurious in perfect ringlets, and her eyes were especially green behind a brown mask. A pang of envy washed over me, and I remembered the stupid pink hoodie. Hadn’t David broken things off? Why did she look so happy?

  “Not much of a mask, Bill,” she quipped.

  He shrugged. “Better than Phantom of the Opera over here.”

  Andrew visibly blushed under his mask. “What’s wrong with mine?”

  “You look very handsome, honey.”

  We all laughed and headed into the ballroom to take our seats. I waved at Lucy from across the room and texted her to save me a dance. The director spoke about the shelter’s mission and their goal to spread the word about animal adoption and the plight of homeless animals. Bill squeezed my knee. He whispered that he was proud of what I did, even though I knew in my heart it wasn’t enough. When her speech concluded, the room filled with applause.

  “That was nice,” Bill commented.

  I gave him a close-lipped smile, but he was watching the dance floor where people had begun to gather. When the music started, he turned to me and grabbed my hand. “Come on.”

  “What? I don’t know how to dance to this.”

  “Just come,” he said, pulling me to the dance floor.

  I started laughing, more from nervousness than anything. “Bill,” I protested between giggles.

  He whirled around and stood in
front of me before bowing at the waist and offering his hand. “May I have this dance?”

  I adjusted my mask and put my hand in his. “Certainly.”

  He stood just slightly from my body while gripping my hand in the air. He began to dance, leading me in a waltz. I wasn’t surprised, since I knew of his childhood lessons, but I was thrown by how confidently he led me. I moved easily with him, unable to hold back a big smile.

  We glided across the floor, darting through some couples while the less experienced ones moved aside to watch. He danced in sync with the tempo, and I let myself get carried away, spinning faster and faster as the music hit its stride. His posture lengthened with the acceleration, and soon all I could see was the flurry of my skirt, and all I could hear was the violin. Just as the music hit its apex and Bill whirled me, chestnut brown eyes hit me like a wall. At David’s masked glare from across the room, I lost my step, and Bill broke just in time to catch me. My smile fell instantly at the piercing fury radiating from David, despite the distance between us. Bill whisked me around again, and David was gone. I finished out the dance, not wanting to ruin Bill’s moment, but dread built inside me.

  Lucy and Andrew rushed over before I excused myself to the bathroom. Bill gave me a hurried kiss on the cheek, laughing as he explained to them how his parents had forced him into classes as a teenager.

  I exited through the doorway where I’d seen David. A quick scan of the foyer gave me nothing. My next stop was valet in case he meant to leave. It was then that I saw him, pacing off to the side of the house, dark and portentous like a brewing storm. I picked up my skirts and ran over to him, not knowing what I would say but just that I had to know what that look was for.

  “David,” I hissed, and his head jerked up.

  “What?” He resumed his march.

  “I thought you were in New York.”

  “I was,” he snapped. “I got back last night.”

  “You’re mad,” I said, moving my mask to my forehead.

  “I can’t even look at you right now.”

  “Me? What did I do?”

  He stopped pacing in front of me and ran a hand through hair as black as his tuxedo. His grip tightened on the silver mask in his hand when he asked, “Are you happy with him?”

  “David,” I said, my eyes darting around. “We can’t do this here.”

  “Answer me, damn it! Are you happy?”

  I glared at him a moment before walking further around the house. I heard him tramping behind me as I led us to the first concealed spot I could find – a small, intimate garden.

  I jumped when he threw his fist into a tree. “I can’t do this anymore!” he yelled. “To see his hands on you! It’s too fucking much!”

  I blanched for a moment, unprepared for the assault. He fisted the mask so tightly in his other hand that it cracked in half.

  “Please, calm down,” I pleaded when he started pacing again. “Let’s talk about this rationally.”

  “I should be the one touching you like that, not him. It should be me.”

  I drew a sharp breath. “David, we need to – to talk,” I said. My heart jumpstarted as though it were on the verge of exploding. I readied the words in my head, fighting back hot tears. We’re through. You have to go away. I have to push you away even though what I want is to run to you, to drown in you . . . .

  He shook his head hard. “I can’t. I can’t share you like this. It makes me want to just . . .” His gestures were wild and desperate as he spoke. I gasped when I noticed his bloody knuckles, but he pulled back when I reached out. “He has you, and it drives me fucking crazy. It’s all I can think about and then to see you in there dancing with him . . .”

  “He’s my husband,” I said in a small voice.

  “No fucking shit. I can’t believe I let myself get so involved with this.”

  I attempted to swallow the lump rising in my throat. “I don’t know what to say. You knew what we were getting into.”

  “So it’s my fault, I guess.”

  “We did this to ourselves.”

  “You have to tell me what you want. I can’t do this anymore.”

  I gritted my teeth, fighting back unwelcome tears. “I – he’s my husband.”

  “So that’s it? You’re not even going to consider . . .”

  “What, David? I don’t know what you want from me.”

  “If I tell you what I want, then this is it. You have to decide.”

  “Decide what?” I screamed, surprising us both. “I already told you. My decisions are made. There are no options.”

  “Well, then what the fuck am I even doing here? Go on and be happy with him, your fucking husband.”

  “Me? What about you?” I shot back, suddenly incensed. “Why are you here tonight? Did you come with Dani?”

  “I told you, it’s over.”

  “Then why are you here?” I demanded.

  He was quiet as he paced, shaking his head from side to side. Pieces of his hair had broken from their marble wave, and it was the most disheveled I’d ever seen him.

  I nodded and crossed my arms. “That’s what I thought.”

  “She begged me – ”

  “You claim you want more, but you can’t even give up one of your girls. How many others are there? Are you still with Maria?” I stepped in his way to stop his pacing short. “Answer me! When was the last time you fucked Maria?”

  “Olivia,” he pleaded.

  “You can’t even give one of them up for me.”

  “For you?” he growled with menacing heat. His expression shifted into something that had me cowering back. “For you I would give up anything!” he raged. “It’s all for you, everything I do! Can’t you see that? Everything I’ve worked for, everything I’ve ever built is for you!”

  His words sliced through to my heart. I backed away and shook my head. “You don’t . . . Stop.”

  “You asked what I want, Olivia, I want you. I need – ”

  “Stop!” I cried. “It can’t be, please just stop. It can’t be.”

  “I need you,” he said, lunging forward and covering my shoulders with his hands. “Now.”

  “Don’t touch me. Stop!”

  I turned to leave, but he grasped my waist and yanked me against his concrete body.

  “Stop!” I yelled, pushing his chest as he backed me into the tree. “We’re done! We can’t do this anymore!”

  He suppressed my words with a hard kiss. His pelvis pinned mine to the trunk, stilling me while his hands feverishly gathered up my dress. His hand ran up my clenched thighs, and when he released an animal growl into my mouth, I responded with a traitorous moan. I shoved him again, knowing I wouldn’t be able to resist if his hands lingered any longer, but even our lips didn’t separate. A fiery need tore through my body as he found my panties and effortlessly ripped them away.

  He bit my lip as he slipped a finger inside me, and I whimpered into the kiss. He had yanked my mask around my neck and feathers tickled my jaw. The hiss of his zipper spiraled me into a frenzy. He would be inside of me any moment, quenching my need and filling me in the way only he could. I fisted the lapels of his tuxedo and yanked him closer, kissing him back heatedly.

  He opened me urgently with his fingers. I instinctively wrapped a leg around him, and we moaned together as he thrust into me. He drew back and drove into me, bouncing me up the tree. His drives grew quickly frantic, and as out of control as the look in his eyes. Harsh punishments tore across my back from the bark, but I barely noticed. I bit down on my lip to keep from screaming my pleasure.

  “Oh Christ – yes, Olivia,” he hissed into my ear.

  At the sound of my name, I cried out, and he clamped his hand over my mouth. “Yes,” I yelled into it.

  His eyes squeezed shut, and he pumped as fast as our position would allow. With another throaty growl, he seized my other leg, fastening me to the tree. I accidentally bit down on his hand and he snarled, tightening his grip on my face. When I thought I co
uldn’t take anymore, he took both hips in his hands and hammered me so wildly, that I had to grip his shoulders so I wouldn’t fall off the trunk.

  “Yes,” I breathed, “don’t stop, don’t stop, David, fuck me.” He didn’t stop, and within seconds, I was coming around him, tormented by the feathers at my neck and grasping for his body while I was hit with waves so extreme that they bordered on painful.

  “Shit,” he breathed. “I’m gonna come.”

  “Come, baby,” I urged.

  With a guttural groan he withdrew and, supporting me with one hand, came feverishly on the inside of my dress. My labored breathing hitched in my throat as I looked down between us. He set me harshly on the ground, and my cum-soaked skirts fell around me.

  “What was that?” I cried.

  He zipped his pants up and leaned over, placing his hands on his knees to catch his breath.

  “Did you just come on my dress?”

  “I told you, Olivia,” he said, snapping upright. “I won’t come in someone who doesn’t belong to me, and you do not.”

  I gaped at this man I didn’t know. His demeanor was cold; a stark contrast to our last clandestine meeting. He cursed and turned his back to me, kicking a concrete bench in the process.

  “I – I . . .” I stood there in shock, trying to wrap my head around everything that had just happened; the words, the actions . . . the implications. “I have to get back.”

  “Go, then,” he bit out. “Just fucking go.”

  My hand flew to my mouth as I stifled a sob. It wasn’t just the daggered words that hurt but the dismissal. This was the David I’d been expecting, the one I always knew would appear.

  I stumbled backward before turning to run up to the house. I wanted to run to him, not away – to comfort him, find comfort in him, let the world fall away in his arms . . . . The pain was physical, almost too much to bear; it was the reason I never let anyone get too close, even Bill.