‘No, no, that’s not going to happen.’
‘What if she works at one of those places where they put down stray animals, or chops down trees to build houses, but not even for people that need houses, people who just want second homes. What if she uses an aerosol deodorant?’
The doorbell rang. ‘Let’s find out, shall we?’ Noelle said.
The three sisters raced to the door without putting down their drinks, and cheered as Jared made his way into their home for the first time in years.
‘Whoa, this place is exactly as I remember it!’ he exclaimed. ‘Except for that big door into the kitchen, where did that go – oh, there’s some of it.’
Emmy handed him his wine and he kicked off his shoes – she was pleased to see how comfortably he fitted back into the house, like he’d last been here yesterday. Their front door had always been open for Jared. ‘Let’s give you the tour. The re-tour. So you can see what we’re planning to do.’
She led him into the living room, trailed by Rae and Noelle. ‘This is surreal,’ he said, looking only at her.
‘I know,’ Emmy agreed. ‘You. Here. Anyway, the idea is to make this open plan with the kitchen, hence Rae smashing the shit out of the door. We’re going to brighten up the whole room, maybe go pale green so it still fits in with our Devon woodland theme, rip up the carpet, and we have new sofas coming in about six weeks.’
‘What are you going to do with the old sofas?’
‘Just chuck them, they’re pretty saggy now. Apart from Dad’s chair, we’ll keep that of course.’
‘We will?’ asked Rae.
Emmy looked at her sister, surprised. ‘Of course, we can’t get rid of Dad’s chair.’
‘I don’t think Mum would mind…’ Rae said with care.
No, this didn’t feel right. Emmy touched the worn arm. She supposed she didn’t want strangers sitting in it. ‘We could move it to Mum’s room.’
There was a silence in the room for a moment, before Jared piped up with ‘I taught you all breakdancing in this room.’
‘Excuse me,’ interrupted Rae. ‘Emmy taught you, and then you taught us.’
‘How did you know that?’ cried Emmy.
‘Because my room is next to yours and the entire day before I kept hearing banging and thudding and cries of “Ouch!” and “You’re not doing it right, Jared!” – I thought you’d just discovered the joy of sex, until the next morning Jared returned with a cap on backwards, thinking he was fresh out of a Run-DMC video.’
Emmy and Jared shared the smallest of glances. It was never like that…
‘Why didn’t you just teach us all, Emmy?’ Noelle asked.
‘Because you would have laughed at me so much! Let’s not forget my World’s Biggest Dork status.’
‘We didn’t think you were a dork! Wait, yes we did,’ Rae corrected herself. ‘But I thought it was cool that you knew how to breakdance.’
‘It was only made-up stuff, but thank you.’
‘Do you remember the routine?’ asked Jared.
‘No, do you?’ Emmy started to blush.
‘I might do, but let’s save that for another visit.’
Emmy led the tour of the house quickly, succinctly, and then they sat down to a lunch of probing questions about the people who still lived in the town. Primarily who were linked to or might know about Jenny.
‘Why don’t you get in touch with her?’ Jared asked, polishing off the last of the Parma ham. ‘She’s still really nice, I doubt she’d be mad at you about anything.’
Noelle replied, ‘I think I should wait and see if she comes to me?’
‘But does she know you’re back?’
‘Fair point…’ Noelle had always prided herself on knowing exactly who she was since she came out. She was unafraid, and unashamed. But there had been times, especially as she grew up and university was creeping closer, when her big strong walls began to wobble under the weight of pressure. Pressure because she and Jenny had been through so much, and Noelle felt responsible for Jenny’s happiness. She’d begun to think that Jenny would be better off being free, rather than stuck with her just because they were both gay. It made her cringe to even remember that, because it wasn’t true, it was her cowardly way of wishing that she too were free. Gay or not, she was too young to have been in such an intense relationship. She wanted to fly away, and she didn’t know if there would be a welcome migration home.
After a moment, she shook herself out of it. She was a lawyer, dammit, and a very good one. This indecisiveness was not part of her nature. ‘I need to do something myself about this rather than obsessing over the unknowns.’
‘Amen, sister,’ Rae cried, and starting clearing up the plates. She checked her watch. ‘Okay kids, Mummy has to go and scrub up then head to see the mayor now. Good to see you, Jared, come over again really soon?’ She leant over to give him a peck on the cheek and saw Emmy sit up taller. ‘Relax, Em, I’m not trying to snog him again. Remember that Jared?’ She cackled and left the kitchen.
‘I’m going to go and start scrubbing the outside walls and obsess over Jenny some more,’ Noelle smiled, leaving Emmy and Jared alone.
There was a break in the conversation and Emmy racked her brain for something to say. It used to feel so easy with Jared – he was her best friend, pretty much her only friend if we’re being honest – and she would tell him everything. He’d even been the one who’d told her she was having her first period, when she suddenly starting bleeding and freaking out, and he laughed (kindly) and told her what it was, and that maybe she’d better go and find her sisters or her mum, and he’d see her again in a few days.
But as adults the distance between their lives seemed huge – too big to know where to start, or how they’d get back to a place of discussing her period pains.
‘Do you want some more wine?’ she asked him, because when adulting, wine is usually a safe topic.
‘Sure, thanks,’ he said. He sounded relaxed, but then he always had seemed relaxed, and she remembered him confessing to her that it was practice and often he was just hiding his nerves.
‘This is a good grape, apparently, it’s usually a ten-pound bottle. We only paid five. It was on an offer. Um. South America.’
‘Oh.’
‘Yep.’ Something occurred to her. ‘Unless you’d prefer a Coke float?’
‘A Coke float! I haven’t had one of those for so long!’
‘You haven’t? But they were always your favourite.’ Emmy smiled at the memory. ‘Although we don’t actually have any ice cream. Or Coke.’
‘Wine is good.’
Emmy poured a fresh glass for them both and looked at the window. ‘It’s lovely outside – you can’t beat this time of year. Blue skies, air cooling down, caramel leaves. Do you want to take the wines outside for a walk around the woods?’
‘That sounds perfect. It’s good to be back at your house, it’s been too long.’ They put on their shoes and Jared looked up at her. ‘It’s good to see you again.’
‘I’m sorry I went AWOL after school,’ Emmy said as they stepped out the front door, waving at Noelle who was on her knees studying a bug, a bowl of soapy water beside her. They went down the steps and turned left, circling the side of the house and then walking the familiar path through the garden and in among the trees. ‘Life away from here was just easier. I could be myself around, well, everyone, not just you and my family. I just stopped trying to fit in here… I just stopped, but I didn’t mean to lose you in the process.’
‘You didn’t go AWOL, you just grew up. Did you think I was annoyed?’ Jared asked her.
‘I don’t know, because you’re being so nice, but I felt bad for losing touch with you. It was my fault that during uni we drifted apart.’
‘You don’t have anything to feel bad about.’
Emmy took a slurp of her red wine, which was chilling below ideal in the cold air and under the shade of the trees. She felt happy, though, which was nice. ‘So, I want to know ev
erything. How are you? How did you become a police officer? What’s your life like now?’
‘Life is good,’ Jared declared. Then he thought about it some more. ‘Wait… is it? I think it’s okay. I like my job and my house and I’m watching some good TV at the moment, but I think you’re about to say you’ve spent your twenties fronting NASA and I’m about to realise my life sucks.’
Emmy laughed. ‘I definitely haven’t been doing that. So what happened to Scotland, you lived there for a few years, right?’
‘Yeah, when I finished my law degree I tried a few different jobs around the country but ended up realising law enforcement was the thing for me. Who knew?’
‘If fourteen-year-old Jared had said he was going to be fighting crime out on the rough streets when he grew up I would never have believed it. No offence – you were just always the more bookish, paperwork type. Less “put your hands up”, more “put your tax code on this form for me”. I’m sorry, I am sounding like such a cow.’
‘Not at all.’ Jared shook his head. ‘It’s all true. I always thought the police officers were the cool guys, the brave ones. Now I know that, well, that’s totally true because I’m really cool and brave.’
‘But why Maplewood? I don’t mean to be horrible about your home it’s just that we used to complain about this place all the time.’ She crunched on over the leaves, anxious to hear his answer, unsure why it mattered whether he felt the same as her or not.
‘We did,’ he agreed. ‘I’ll always remember what you used to tell me about your ambitions.’
Emmy smiled. ‘Space is bigger than Maplewood,’ she said, a mantra she used to tell herself all the time; a motivation to work hard and get out.
Jared continued, ‘But you know I moved around a lot when I was little? This was the first place that not only did we stay in, but that felt like home to me.’
‘But…’
‘I know we used to hate some of the kids at school. I know how awful a lot of people were to you and your family. But I was one of the lucky ones because, to me, you guys were my extended family. I grew up alongside the best family in town, and all those other kids had no idea what they were missing out on. So, for me, Maplewood actually holds a huge place in my heart. The people… some of them I’d have happily thrown in a prison cell overnight given the opportunity. But the place drew me back. Home sweet home.’
Emmy exhaled, staring ahead, and only realised she’d come to a stop when her feet began to sink into the mulch beneath her. ‘But without me you could have been so much more popular. I always thought your childhood was a little bit worse because of me. I was selfish with you, Jared.’ She turned to him, her glass now empty, and wished she hadn’t drunk her wine so quickly.
‘We were friends, you weren’t selfish. When did you become so hard on yourself?’ He faced her too. It was still odd him looking down towards her rather than them being on the same level.
‘I’m just older and wiser now I guess. Thankfully nothing like the girl I was.’ Jared looked ready to protest when a burst of rock music rang out from the direction of Rae’s room where she was getting ready. ‘Some of us, however, seem to be regressing quite well.’ She fake-drank from her empty glass and started walking again. ‘Where do you live now?’
Jared crunched along beside her again. ‘A little closer into town, but not too far from Mum and Dad’s place. Dad’s getting a little forgetful these days. That was actually the catalyst to come back.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ Emmy said, linking an arm in with Jared’s without even really thinking about it.
‘Thanks.’
‘How did I not know this? I should have come back and been with you.’
‘No, you shouldn’t have.’
‘Do you think your dad copes better with you around?’
‘I think so. Sometimes he doesn’t remember who I am, but other times he does, and for those times it’s worth it.’ They walked in silence for a little bit before Jared spoke up again. ‘Your mum’s doing fine, you know. Don’t be worrying about her.’
A thread she’d been trying not to pick loosened itself a little more inside her. ‘I should have come home more.’
‘Where do you live now, by the way? I know you’re in aerospace but I don’t know exactly what you do for a living!’ Jared bolstered the conversation up a beat.
‘I live up near Oxford, a village called Harwell. I work for the European Space Agency, in the robotics department.’
‘Oh my god, that is so cool. You did it, Em. And are you happy?’
She chuckled. ‘That’s a loaded question.’
‘Okay, on the surface. Are you happy?’
Emmy nodded. ‘I am. I really like my job. I don’t know if it’s my dream job but it’s pretty much exactly what I wanted to do.’
‘How long have you worked there?’
‘Since uni, actually, pretty much. I get to do a little bit of travelling – not global road trips, but a couple of trips a year to the US or other sites in Europe. I really like building things that are going to go up into space. It feels… womanly?’ She laughed as she said it, wondering how she could express in words what she meant.
Jared coaxed her to go on.
‘Some people like creating people and putting them out there into the world. I create things. It takes time and patience and it’s hard but I can do it, I know I can do it, and I wish more women were in this field because it feels really amazing.’
They reached the den, and Emmy bent down to peer inside. The blankets and glued-on pictures were long gone, but their look-out hole and campfire stone circle were still intact. She grinned at Jared. ‘Remember this?’
‘Of course. I’m not sure why we ever camped out in here when you had a nice big warm house right there, but I do remember it well.’ He looked back at the house and then turned to Emmy with a mild frown. ‘Your parents had a lot of faith in me, a teenage boy, letting me and you have sleepovers in the woods.’
‘I think that was more because they knew I was as good-looking as a scarecrow and highly unlikely to attract any kind of suitor.’
‘That’s not true – I thought you were cute. I had a huge crush on you for years.’
‘No, you didn’t!’ Emmy shrieked, and the little dork inside her high-fived herself. Emmy Lake, you little firecracker!
‘Of course I did! Wait, you didn’t know?’ Jared blushed. ‘I thought you knew. I thought you knew and didn’t like me back, so we just ignored it.’
‘You saw me period!’ she shrieked some more. Ah, so that’s how we rewind thirteen years of distance and find ourselves discussing how the surf is on my crimson wave.
‘My crush did admittedly die down for a week or so around that time. But it came back, always did after you did something gross.’
Emmy sat down in front of the den, even though it made her bottom soggier than a shamed Great British Bake Off pie. ‘But we were friends. Didn’t you want to just be my friend?’ Hold on. Did this mean she grew up without any friends at all? This revelation was causing her emotions to slosh about like waves in a harbour. She’d been fanciable. She’d been fancied. But she’d never wanted that, she’d wanted friendship, a confidant, someone who liked her with no agenda.
Jared sat down next to her. ‘Are you mad at me?’
‘I don’t know. Was our, um, bond real? Were you my friend?’
‘Of course! I was your friend before anything else. The other stuff was a one-sided teenage crush because you were cool and funny and clever. You made me happy, simple as that; there was nothing fake about anything. I just always held a little hope that one time, out here, in front of our fire pit, maybe we’d have a kiss.’ He shrugged, smiling at her.
She smiled back. Here they were, side by side after so many years, and despite her worry it didn’t feel all that weird. They took up a lot more room in the den than they once had, him especially with his broader shoulders and how he had to stoop his head down lower. But it was still Jared and Emmy. It was
his eyes and eyelashes that looked at her, his smile, albeit surrounded with a little stubble from recently finishing a long shift.
‘Do you remember the night you got drunk?’ he asked.
‘Not really,’ she replied. Her first year of sixth form had been pretty rough. This was after the whole ‘did she try and commit suicide’ rumour, but it was the isolation that was really getting to her. Other people seemed to be growing up now they were sixteen, moving on, acting like they knew everything in the world, and the harassment died down. It became something else: complete avoidance. It was like she was an invisible shadow. Nobody wanted to talk to her, but nobody cared to talk about her. And Emmy was left confused because wasn’t that what she’d wanted all along? She began to lose her way a little, be a little less clever, be a little less her, to try and fit in. Just a little. One night she got steaming drunk, which she’d never done before, and it was Jared that shook her out of it and told her she needed to stay strong, get the grades and then she could get out.
‘You tried to kiss me that night, you know.’
Emmy gasped. Surely she would have remembered that? Was she a horrible drunken sex pest, like her big sister? ‘No, I didn’t.’
‘You did. It was tempting. But instead I went all Future Jared on you and acted like a policeman. I escorted you home, gave you a stern talking-to, threatened to call Rae and tell her, and then came over every evening for the next four weeks to supervise your studying until you got back on track.’
MAYBE they should kiss, she thought. Right now. If this was a movie the music would swell and they’d lean in and have that kiss. But this wasn’t a movie, so instead she broke the spell by saying, ‘You kissed my sisters. Pervert.’
‘I kissed your mum too. Just kidding. I only kissed one sister, and I’m very sorry about that. The other mad one kissed me, or at least tried to.’
‘Come on,’ she helped him up. ‘My bum is soggy, and don’t use that as an excuse to look at my bum, now I know what a massive pervert you are.’
Jared laughed, avoiding looking her way. ‘So what is your dream job?’
‘Hmm?’ she asked, still busy thinking about the surprise revelation.
My Sisters And Me Page 10