Willow pulled back from her daughters, and even she had wet eyes. ‘There’s one thing missing, though.’
‘What?’ asked Noelle. ‘We can add anything you need, I’m sure.’
‘What’s missing are all the physical reminders of you girls. I didn’t know I’d miss your crap until it was all gone from under my feet.’
‘But Mum, look.’ Rae pointed up at the stained-glass window. ‘Look closely, we had our initials put in each of the moons, so that we’d always be here with you. Even though that’s soppy as hell.’
‘That one’s mine, I’m the maiden,’ sang Noelle.
‘And I’m the mother,’ added Rae. ‘Because someone had to watch over these damned kids while you were off on a jolly.’
‘And I’m the crone!’ Emmy grinned. ‘All right, don’t all give me pity eyes; I’m perfectly comfortable with being the crone, thank you very much. I’ve been reading up on crones, and yes, the official dictionary definition is ugly old woman, which isn’t the furthest thing from the truth, but it can also mean wise woman. And I think I’m a little wiser now than I was when we first got here. I like being the old lady, and I like liking being me.’
‘Then in that case, my beautiful girl,’ Willow said, ‘nothing is missing at all. It’s perfect.’
‘And by the way, Mum,’ Emmy added, ‘if you ever need a little more of our crap under your feet, just open the loft hatch and stand back.’
Emmy and Noelle went up to bed first that night, exhausted, and Rae sat with her mum in the living room, a glass of whisky in each of their hands.
‘Mum, I need to talk to you about something,’ said Rae, wanting to get this off her chest once and for all.
‘I thought you might,’ Willow replied, swirling her glass. ‘You and I never really finish off any of our arguments, do we?’
‘How do you know I was going to argue with you?’
‘Because you’re my flesh and blood, and I see a lot of me in you. I know when you’re about to get heated.’
Rae was about to huff at her mum for being such a know-it-all, when she stopped herself. Pick your battles, Rae. Instead she said, ‘So it seems you’ve been through something like tonight’s storming of the troops before?’
‘Oh yes,’ Willow replied, but a smile came onto her face rather than a frown, or any hint of sadness. ‘Unfortunately, it’s always been the case that if you rile a few people the rest will follow. Quite literally.’
‘But how did you and Dad go from having a townful of crazies storm the house, to them leaving you alone – or at least not being vile to your face?’
‘It was simple really, I just showed them I didn’t care. I take it you saw the photo in the loft?’
‘Of the nakedness and the middle fingers up? Ew, yes. But to be honest, Mum,’ and this was the crux of it, something Rae wanted to say now, while they were calm, adult, ‘I feel like you should have cared because they were still awful to your daughters.’
Willow sat forward and picked up one of Rae’s hands. ‘I cared very much about what happened to my daughters, and I am so proud of the women you’ve become.’
‘But you were always in the background. Even tonight, you just let us fend for ourselves. You weren’t there.’
‘Oh sweetheart, I was always there. It’s true, I was in the background. I built up my arsenal of knowledge about everyone in this town and ensured nobody pushed any of you too hard, but you’re right. I should have been more front line. In my attempt to give you the tools to be strong, I made the wrong choice.’
Rae considered this. Her mother wasn’t perfect – whose was? Could she forgive her?
‘Did you feel free tonight, when you finally realised you didn’t care?’ Willow asked her eldest daughter.
‘I did,’ Rae smiled.
‘You see, I’ve always been one to follow my own path, and not shy away from the person I am. Your father helped me blossom in that way, you know, so I tried to make sure you girls were raised feeling the same. But it took a while for me to not care what people thought; I worried that we didn’t fit in here, that we’d have to move, even though we bought this house – our first house – out of pure love at first sight.’
‘How did you find yourselves here?’ Rae interrupted.
‘We spent several months camping our way around the Devon and Cornwall coast and fell in love – with the place and with each other. On our honeymoon we came back down here, saw this place was for sale, and couldn’t believe our luck. It was rubbish and run-down and cheap and we wanted it.’
‘You just… liked it and did it?’
‘Quite right too. I remember the day of the house-storming well; Dad and I had spent the day outside, planting acorns and tree saplings, and we’d talked about raising a family here. It was all very symbolic but then we were raging hippies.’
Rae laughed, and her mother continued, casting a look of fondness over her eldest daughter.
‘We decided that very afternoon that we were going to start by having you. We were going to try for a baby. And even though I hadn’t met you yet, or your sisters, who we also couldn’t wait to have, I realised that I didn’t want to waste any of my cares on ignorant people any more. I wanted to use them all on my family, my house, my own life. So when they all came stomping over here full of rage I just thought, fuck off you twats.’
‘Mum!’
‘Please, I know you of all people know words like that. The short answer to your question, my dear, is, as you kids, say “haters gonna hate”. Realising that took away my cares, took away their power, and I realised I was free. That’s one of the very, very best things about being a grown-up – you realise that if you don’t fit in, if people don’t like you, then it really doesn’t matter. You don’t like them either. Now isn’t that refreshing?’
‘Morning, Mum,’ Emmy said, coming down early to put the usual pot of coffee on. Willow was already in the kitchen, wearing a nightie and wandering around, running her hands over the paintwork and the door frame.
‘What happened to my door?’ she asked, not angry.
‘Rae happened to it. And me, a little. Coffee?’
‘Tea for me, please. Proper tea, Jenny only had that green herbal stuff at her house.’
Emmy started preparing the drinks, thinking how this was the best time to say what she wanted to say to her mother. She felt butterflies, not because she was worried how her mum would react, but she was worried she wouldn’t be able to get the words out.
‘Before the others come down, can I just talk to you about something?’ she began.
Willow settled at the breakfast bar and smiled at her daughter. Emmy looked at her for a moment. With the morning sunlight on her face and her hair carefree after a night of rest, she still looked like the person from the photo, the one of her and Emmy’s dad, laughing and sticking up their middle fingers. Willow’s skin was older and the life lines on her face more pronounced, but she was still vibrant, and Emmy loved her so much.
‘Mum, I’m sorry I didn’t come home more. Before Dad died and after.’
‘Hey, what’s brought this on?’ Willow asked, holding out an arm, which Emmy slid in under.
‘I should have made more effort. I left it too late, all because I was a huge coward and cared more about what other people thought of me than about my own family.’ Uh-oh, the waterworks were back.
‘Shhh,’ Willow soothed. ‘It didn’t matter where we saw you, we still saw you, lots. We knew you weren’t too happy coming back here which is why we usually came up to Oxfordshire. Besides, you work so hard and we were retired; it made sense to come to you.’
Emmy sniffed. She felt a little better. Even if you don’t go home, if home comes to you, does it still count? ‘Are you angry at me?’
‘Hush, of course I’m not angry at you. You know your dad was incredibly proud of you?’
‘He was? Why?’
‘Because you made it through some tough times – growing up with us as parents wasn’t easy
, and neither was growing up in this town – and yet you grew up to be an independent, strong-minded woman. You made a career for yourself, you have your own home and, more importantly, you pushed yourself to be happy. You’re a little heavy on the waterworks at times,’ she teased, ‘but we could all do with taking a leaf out of your book on that front from time to time. You made yourself happy, and that’s the only thing we cared about.’
Emmy was a million times lighter. Emotions-wise. Body-wise she’d eaten a lot of crisps these past two months, but who cared? Every single thing had been worth it.
‘I heard on the grapevine you and Jared finally kissed,’ Willow said, nudging her daughter back towards the kettle to finish making her tea.
‘Mu-uuumm!’
‘God, Mum,’ Rae said, coming into the room. ‘Just because you’re a hundred and four doesn’t mean you can sit around in your nightie all day. We’ve got a house to finish.’ She leant over and gave her mum a big kiss on the head. It was so good to have her back home.
A couple of days later, Rae was walking up Gabbi’s driveway for what she felt would probably be the last time. They hadn’t spoken since Bonfire Night, but Rae wasn’t holding any grudges. Life was too short.
She rang the doorbell and Gabbi answered almost instantly, wearing a full, bright-pink face pack, and gabbing on the phone. She grinned at Rae and beckoned her in.
‘Jared, thank you so much,’ Gabbi was saying into the phone. ‘Rae’s just shown up, actually, so I’ll tell her now. You’ll call Emmy and Noelle, yes? They should be kept updated. Okay. Okay, bye.’
She hung up and faced Rae. ‘In one minute I’m going to apologise, ask if you want a drink, beg your forgiveness, but before I do, that was Jared. PC Jones. They’ve caught the person who smashed Annette’s shop window. People, I should say. And, well, it wasn’t you.’
‘Yay!’ Rae cried. ‘I mean, I thought it wasn’t, but I also didn’t remember you trashing your own garden so I wondered if I might be guiltier than I suspected. So – who was it?’
Gabbi led Rae towards the kitchen. ‘Guess. No, don’t, I’ll just tell you. It was Tom and Kelvin. They wanted to frame you. Or “prank you”, in their words. That Bonnie girl came forward because she heard them boasting about it when she was babysitting last night. I’ve been bugging the police constantly since Bonfire Night to try and find answers to clear your names. I’m sorry it took so long.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Don’t thank me, it was the least I could do. So, first of all, can I get you a drink?’
‘Wine? No, just a water is fine, I’m not staying too long.’
Gabbi nodded. ‘Okay. Then I’ll say this now – Rae, I’m so sorry. I took advantage of you, and used your friendship for my own gain. I’m not proud – not at all – but I promise I won’t do it again. I think we’ve grown apart, and that’s okay, but I hope that maybe next time you’re in town I could take you out for dinner or something.’
‘In public?’ Rae smiled.
‘In the middle of the village green, if you want. Sorry for being a mega-bitch. Truly.’
Rae waved her hand. ‘All is forgiven. And you were the one that ended up with your face looking like the Tate Modern; you’ve had punishment enough.’
‘Talking of my face, Sid tracked down these face masks. They’re fantastic, like paint stripper. I don’t even want to know what chemicals are in there, but I reckon three more applications and the writing will have gone altogether.’
‘Then you might not need this any more.’ Rae reached into her bag and pulled out the tattoo-covering make-up kit. ‘It finally arrived.’
Gabbi laughed. ‘What fantastic service! I will take it, though; I’m supposed to be going to a dinner tonight with the people from the library.’
Rae gulped down her water and stood up. ‘Okay, I’m going to head off. Thank you for the water, and for the sorry.’
‘Thank you for being so gracious, and thanks for showing me a good time. When are you leaving town?’
‘At the weekend.’
‘So the house is all done?’
‘And looking perfect, if I say so myself. Don’t you let any of these mad Maplewood residents storm it again when we’re gone, will you?’
‘I’ll make them outlaws if they do,’ Gabbi said. ‘You have nothing to worry about. Also, I’m putting anti-bullying higher up on my agenda this year, just so you know.’ She stood also, and embraced her old friend. ‘It was good to see you, Rae.’
‘It was good to see you too, Gabbi,’ Rae replied, and she meant it.
At the same time, Noelle was sat on the gleaming new porch, wrapped up against the cold, waiting for Jenny to arrive. She was armed with a letter and a chicken.
‘Vicky, we can’t keep you here,’ she cooed at the bird, who strutted about with her bottom in the air. ‘Mum’s already got her next trip booked, and I can’t take you back to Bristol. Could I?… No, no, I really think this is the best option.’
Jenny pulled up at that moment, stepping out of her car with a big smile and a suitcase. ‘This is your mum’s,’ she said, hauling it up the steps. ‘I’ve been promising to bring it over for days. Morning, Vicky!’
‘You are a star,’ Noelle said, taking the case from her. ‘Thanks for coming over today. Can I get you anything to eat or drink?’
‘Actually, I can’t stay that long, I’m sorry. I’m heading over to Mum and Dad’s later on to help them out with some flood-defence building.’ She stepped back and looked up at the house. ‘This place looks truly beautiful, by the way. You’re going to give a lot of holidaymakers some very happy memories.’
‘Thank you! Speaking of your mum and dad, though, do you think they’d like to adopt Vicky?’
Jenny laughed. ‘What?’
‘I need to find her a home, and I think she’d like it out by the river. I was going to ask you, but I thought she might poop all over your stock. You can say no, I don’t want to be an imposition.’
Jenny stroked Vicky’s soft feathers. ‘They’d love her. They already have three mad chickens so she’ll fit right in. Thank you.’
‘Thank you.’
‘So you’re leaving?’ Jenny turned to her, but her face was warm.
‘In just a couple of days. I wanted to have you over here today because I wanted to say goodbye properly this time. I know we’re not together, and I don’t mean to suggest you in any way would be heartbroken by my leaving, but I just… Well, this feels a bit cheesy now, actually.’
‘Spit it out,’ Jenny said with kindness. ‘I would love a proper goodbye.’
‘Okay. You sit there, on the porch steps,’ Noelle got up and faced Jenny. Vicky sat on Jenny’s lap. ‘I have a letter again for you, but this time I want to read it to you. Is that okay?’
‘Of course, I love getting post. Sometimes.’
Noelle cleared her throat and unfolded the letter. What had she been thinking? This felt so silly now. ‘Here goes. “Dear Jenny” – don’t laugh, okay?’
‘I won’t, and neither will Vicky.’
‘“Dear Jenny, last time you read a letter from me on this porch I’d been a huge, selfish lesbian. Sometimes I still am, and perhaps getting back in touch with you is another example of that, because as much as I wanted to apologise, I also wanted to see you again.”’ Noelle looked up, relieved to see Jenny listening, smiling.
She continued, ‘Um, where was I? “I also wanted to see you again. And I’m so pleased you were willing to see me. You have been a huge part of my life and I wouldn’t change that for a second. All I ever wanted was for you to be free and happy, and you are those things, not because of me and what I did, but in spite of me. I know we’re not in love any more, and I’m not trying to rewrite history, but to paraphrase what Natasha Bedingfield sang during the opening credits of The Hills, our future is unwritten. Knowing we might be in it together, even while apart, as friends, is perfection. Thank you for being you. Love always, Noelle.”’
Noelle’s h
ands were shaking as she folded the letter back up. Closing arguments were much easier than this. She was afraid to look at Jenny. Had it been too ‘me, me, me’? Would Jenny be insulted, maybe it sounded too patronising? ‘I just —’
‘Thank you,’ Jenny interrupted. She stood up, holding on to Vicky, and put a hand against Noelle’s cheek, then leaned in to kiss her. One final kiss. ‘That was really lovely to hear.’
‘Really?’
‘Really. I’m glad you told me all of that, and I’m glad you came back here for the time you did. It’s been nice getting to know you again.’
Noelle pulled Jenny into a gentle hug, careful not to squash the chicken. She lay her cheek against Jenny’s hair, just for a moment. ‘Right back at you. Goodbye, Jenny. See you again soon.’
Chapter 28
And then it was Emmy’s turn to say goodbye to Jared.
What did she want from this goodbye? Did she want a goodbye at all? The answers didn’t come as easily as if they were black and white. Because, no, she didn’t want a goodbye – not at all – but she was her own person, perhaps now more than ever, and she didn’t know how to join the two things together.
‘Nice weather for a duck,’ she used as a greeting when Jared joined her in the bus shelter on the edge of town. The November rains were back; heavy, quiet rain that gave everything a soft tone and nothing a shadow. She’d originally thought a nice goodbye would be meeting at her den – their den – but this weather would have, literally, made the idea a wash-out. And inside, her house was too full of people. So she asked him to meet her here, and bring her a coffee.
‘Loving the romantic venue choice,’ he replied, and leant in and kissed her over the sweet-smelling coffees. Just a light kiss. One that knew not to push things in case it hurt their hearts even more.
He settled on to the plastic seat next to her, and she was, as usual, at a loss for the right words. ‘When do you head up to Oxford?’ he asked.
‘Tomorrow.’
‘It’s gone quickly.’
Emmy nodded. Say something! Tell him how you feel! Also, how the bloody hell do you feel?
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