by Toni Blake
Meaningless? Since when had he become such a deep guy that everything he did required meaning?
Well, maybe the last several days had changed some of his perceptions about things. Or…maybe he was just losing his mind.
He shook his head, remembering when life had felt simpler. Before Aunt Marie had died. Before his pretty neighbor had seduced him. Before he’d learned how to change a diaper and stop a baby from crying.
Being with a baby had been a new experience for him—hell, a whole new world. And it hadn’t been as bad as he might have expected. But it didn’t change the facts. He was the last guy in the universe who was ready to be a parent.
And yet, nonetheless, he’d spent the whole damn day thinking about the two females next door. “This is getting ridiculous,” he muttered.
As boredom gripped him, he almost felt a little stupid. He’d refused dinner tonight as if he had something else important to do, and now he half-regretted it. He and Claws would both be having a better time if they were over at Holly’s house with her and Emily.
“But I’m not about to call her,” he told the cat. After all, a guy had to stick to his guns and that was exactly what he planned on doing. “Now hop on up here.” He patted the couch cushion next to him, then turned on the TV. “Playoffs are starting and it’s time for you to learn about baseball, young man.”
***
The next day, Derek gave in and picked up the phone. Dropping a gaze in Claws direction, he said, “So much for sticking to my guns, right?” But he couldn’t help himself. He was lonely. And except for Claws and his work, life suddenly felt strangely empty.
Not that he was going to tell her that. He would just play it cool. He’d never had a problem doing that with women before Holly and Emily had come along. He only hoped he could pull it off now.
“Hello,” she answered.
Damn, her voice was pretty. But get your game face on. “Holly, it’s Derek.”
She hesitated, and when she replied she suddenly sounded removed, distant. “Hi.”
He decided to ignore her tone, suggesting, “I thought we might get together tonight.”
And this time her hesitation was shorter. “No.”
“No?” he asked, taken aback. “Just plain ‘no’? Not ‘no, I’m really tired’, or ‘no, I have other plans’? Just ‘no’?” He knew he was no longer acting cool, but hell, why pretend?
He heard her sigh loud and clear over the phone. “Okay, how about—no, I’ve finally realized that this was a bad idea from the beginning and that I was stupid to get involved with you in the first place. Or perhaps—no, because I have a daughter, as well as a very hectic schedule, which makes me unavailable for wooing every second of the day, and it’s clear that’s not conducive to your lifestyle. Would either of those answers satisfy you more?”
He sat there for a minute, dumbfounded, before he found his voice. “So that’s it?” he asked then, irritated and not even trying to hide it. “I don’t respond exactly the way you want all the time, so it’s not even worth trying to work things out?”
“Derek, there’s nothing to work out.”
She’d said it so easily. It sounded so final. And it made his blood boil and broke his heart at the same time. “I see,” he said. “Fine, then.” And he disconnected the phone.
“Meow,” Claws said, staring intently up at him from below.
“Quit lecturing me,” he told the cat. Then he stalked from the room.
He plopped on the couch and turned on the TV. Flipping through the channels, he found another baseball game. But after a couple of strikeouts, he quickly realized that he really didn’t care about baseball at the moment.
So he turned the TV back off, trudged to the kitchen, and pulled a can of beer from the fridge, popping the top. Maybe he would just get drunk. Maybe it would take his mind off her.
“What did I do so wrong here?” he asked Claws, who again tailed him everywhere he walked in the house. He’d asked the woman out—he’d even taken her and Emily to the zoo. He hadn’t realized he was making a lifetime commitment.
Lowering himself back down on the couch, he lifted Claws into his lap, willing himself to feel calmer. After all, if she wanted to play it this way, he should probably be happy. He didn’t need her or Emily. He and Claws we’re better off like they were—“Just a couple of bachelors in our bachelor pad,” he said.
And yet…hell. Despite himself, he couldn’t help looking around Aunt Marie’s house and thinking how much she’d have liked Holly if she’d gotten to know her. He wished his aunt were here to ask for advice. He’d learned to value her opinion over the years and now he missed it. She’d always seemed to know what was right for him—from the time he was a troubled teenager right up until her death.
His mouth twisted into a bittersweet smile when he remembered that Aunt Marie had been harping on him to “find a nice girl and settle down, for heaven’s sake,” just a few days before she died. He wondered how she would advise him now, knowing—as she had—how he felt about children and parenthood.
He had a feeling he knew the answer. And suddenly he didn’t want to think about the things she might tell him. In fact, suddenly he could hear her voice curving around words and phrases she had used at other times in his life—“follow your heart”, “believe in your instincts”, “have faith in your own feelings”.
He sighed and took a sip of his beer, absently stroking Claws’ back while the kitten purred. What it all came down to in the end, he supposed, was that he missed Holly. And maybe he even missed Emily, too.
But that didn’t mean he wanted to be her father. Did it?
Or did it even matter now that Holly seemed to regret ever laying eyes on him?
***
By Friday afternoon, Holly knew it was stupid and pointless to continue trying to avoid Derek. Not that she wanted to see him. Because she knew if she saw him it would only make her heart hurt. But she and Emily had lives to lead and they couldn’t hide in the house forever.
Besides, what difference did it really make if she saw him? Her heart already seemed to hurt all the time anyway. There had been moments when she’d regretted being so rude and abrupt when he’d called the other night, but she still stood by her decision. She couldn’t waste her time on a man who couldn’t love Emily, too. No matter how crazy she was about him.
Holly stood at the living room window, Emily tooling around behind her in her walker. The lawn looked horrible—she was going to have to mow. And she thought the car was already out of wiper fluid after only a couple of drizzly days this week that had required using it, even though a certain someone had filled it not very long ago. Which meant maybe she had a leak. Great.
“Enh,” Emmy said as she batted her little hand at a plastic ring that hung suspended on the front of the walker.
Holly sighed. She wished she could leave Emily in here while she did the outdoor chores—Emmy was getting so active with her play—but she just didn’t have that luxury. So she’d have to interrupt Emmy’s fun and set up the playpen outside, where she could keep an eye on her while she worked.
Glancing down at Em, their eyes met, which somehow added to Holly’s guilt. Her daughter was reaching a stage where she hated being confined to the playpen. So Holly quickly decided to compromise.
It was a lovely early fall evening, after all—really too nice to waste completely on work—so she’d just put Emmy in her stroller, go outside and take care of the wiper fluid, and then they’d take a nice walk through the neighborhood. Then, if she had time, she’d mow. She knew, of course, that she probably wouldn’t have time to mow, but she couldn’t help wanting to cater to her daughter and enjoy life a little. She’d get to the yard work soon—just not tonight. She had the whole weekend to deal with it.
Holly put Emily in her stroller, then grabbed Eeyore and a rattle, hoping they might keep the baby entertained while Holly put windshield wiper fluid in the car.
Wheeling the baby into the yard near the driv
eway, she set the foot brake on the stroller, then opened the garage door. Inside, she found the half-empty jug of windshield wiper fluid perched on a shelf. And she tried not to think about Derek or the day they’d met as she pulled down the container and stepped back outside, then proceeded to lift the hood.
She glanced toward Emmy and said, “How’re you doing, punkin?”
“Gaaaa,” Emily replied, sounding quite content.
After which she turned back toward the car and her jug of wiper fluid. Now, where did Derek show me to put this stuff? Darn it, she couldn’t recall. The car’s inner workings looked just as puzzling as she remember.
“Let’s see,” she said, studying the blackened maze. “Seems like he said that the thingamajig was mounted on the…”
She stomped her foot in frustration—why couldn’t she remember something so simple?
Well, maybe because your entire life has been turned upside down since that day.
In fact, it was odd, but Holly thought that adjusting to life without Derek, even after the short time they’d known each other, was somehow actually proving more difficult than adjusting to life without Bill had been.
***
Derek saw her from his porch. Damn it, she still looked just as gorgeous as ever.
And the scene felt too damn familiar—he didn’t want to remember that this was how it had all begun between them. In fact, he wanted to turn around and march right back inside.
But—he sighed—he still couldn’t resist a lady in distress, even if that lady had made it very clear that she didn’t want or need him around.
And though he knew it was a dangerous move, he approached her anyway.
“What’s the problem?”
Holly withdrew her gaze from the car to glare at him. “I can’t find the damn windshield wiper fluid container thing,” she snapped.
His eyebrows narrowed. “I just filled that for you, not two weeks ago,” he pointed out. “It shouldn’t be empty already.”
“I didn’t think so, either,” she admitted. “I’ve used some of it, but not that much. And I’m already out.”
“Must have a leak,” he said, taking the fluid and easily pouring it in the car. “I can pick up a new receptacle and put it in for you.”
“No thanks,” she said in a biting tone, crossing her arms as if to emphasize the words.
He looked at her in surprise—more than a little taken aback by her complete indignation. He’d known she probably wouldn’t act overly nice—but this was how she wanted things to be between them? “‘No thanks’?” he asked. “Can’t a guy even do a favor for his neighbor these days?”
Holly turned on him then, fuming, and he knew immediately that he’d said the wrong thing. “Oh, so that’s all I am to you now, a neighbor?”
Derek sighed and raised his arms in despair. “I thought that was all you wanted to be.”
“The way I see it, that’s all you choose for me to be.”
Oh brother—was she serious? He couldn’t believe this! “You’re kidding. I can’t believe you’re twisting this that way.”
“Well, you made it clear that you didn’t want to be with us.”
“No, I didn’t,” he pointed out. “Just because I wasn’t ready to make a lifelong commitment after a week, you threw me out of your life. I love you, Holly, but the trouble with you is that you demand all or nothing—there’s no in-between allowed.”
Holly took a deep breath. The words I love you rang in her ears, both warming and crushing her. And the rest of his words? She let out a sigh, absorbing them and…hell, really hating the fact that they almost made sense to her when she thought it through. She really hadn’t given him too many options. But…it had felt like more than just a week.
Unfortunately, though, before she could figure out what how she wanted to respond to him, emotion got the best of her. It had been such a difficult period for her and before she knew it, it all came spilling out.
“Derek, I never expected to be alone, raising a baby. But taking care of Emily, working every day and having to bring work home a lot of nights, worrying about my mother—it’s a lot. And you’ve been so wonderful about taking care of Emmy for me, and you added a whole new, fun, exciting passion to my life when I really needed it. But when you sulked around last Monday morning, I guess I just let it add to my stress and get the best of me. You’re right—that it was only a week. But when you say you love someone, doesn’t that sort of…go beyond time? Doesn’t that make it a bigger thing? You say you love me, which is a wonderful feeling—but at the same time, I’m not sure you want to be leaned on—I’m not sure you want to deal with the hard times and not just the fun ones. I’m sorry there are hard times and not just fun ones, but that’s where I am in life—and I’m not sure what to do with a man I love and want to be with, but who isn’t okay with the whole package.”
Derek stayed silent, and looked thoughtful, and Holly wondered what he was thinking. She hadn’t exactly meant to blurt all that out, but it was the truth. Sometimes she needed someone to lean on. And for a few days she’d thought that someone might be Derek. But then all the tenderness she’d felt growing inside him had seemed to evaporate.
When awkwardness filled the air, she slammed the hood of the car and turn to Emily. Eeyore lay in the thick grass where Emmy had propelled him, so Holly stooped to get him and placed him back inside the stroller with her.
“Hey there, Emmy,” Derek said softly. “Did you come outside to watch Mommy work on the car?”
But instead of letting herself be touched by the sweet warmth in his voice, Holly heard herself snap at him. “She’s not like a cat, Derek. I can’t just leave her in the house to fend for herself half the time.”
Derek shook his head in clear annoyance. “For your information, Claws is perfectly pleased with the level of care and companionship I provide him.”
And she got the distinct feeling that he’d missed her point. “Like I said,” she steamed, “Emily is not a cat. It takes a little more to take care of a baby. It’s a full-time commitment. The kind that sends guys like you running in the opposite direction.”
“Hey,” he said sharply, “I didn’t decide to have a baby. I had no choice in this. And for your information, I happen to care about Emmy. I happen to care about her very much. So sue me if I was a little scared, if I wanted some time to adjust to the idea, to think about it. I…”
When his voice suddenly trailed off, Holly followed his eyes toward the lawn—where Mr. Nutter’s German shepherd from across the street barreled in their direction in hot pursuit of a scampering squirrel—and bounding straight toward Emily’s stroller.
Everything in that moment traveled faster than the speed of light, yet somehow in slow motion, too. Holly wanted to move, but her feet felt grounded in place. She hadn’t strapped Emmy in yet—she had to get to her! Fear froze her body statue-still as the large dog sideswiped the stroller and sent it tumbling, tossing Emily free.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Derek lunged toward the baby, snatching her from the air and pulling her to his chest, then managing to twist his body to land on his back in the row of small bushes that lined Holly’s front porch. He’d caught her with the skill of an NFL receiver snagging the winning touchdown.
The baby was screaming her head off, but all Derek could think was—she’s safe. Emmy’s safe.
“It’s okay, sweetheart,” he cooed to her, both of them nestled in the bushes. “It’s okay, honey. I’ve got you.”
When he finally lifted his eyes from the baby, he realized Holly was crying, too, both hands pressed to her chest. “Is she all right?” she sobbed.
“She’s fine,” he assured her, handing Emily up from where he lay. “She’s better than me, that’s for sure.” The bushes had scratched his shoulders and back through his T-shirt and the stinging pain was starting set in.
“Oh my God, Derek,” Holly said as she clutched the baby tightly to her, “are you okay?”
“Just som
e scratches,” he said, finally freeing himself of the gangly shrubs. “No big deal.”
“Are you sure?” she asked, her eyes as warm as honey on him.
He nodded, finally getting to his feet and looking down on Emily to make sure what he’d said was true—that she was completely all right.
“Thank you,” Holly said, her voice still wrought with emotion. “Thank you so much!”
But he could barely process her words. His heart pounded a mile a minute and he suddenly realized that Emmy’s safety had taken the place of everything else in that horrible moment, and that he would have done anything to save her. He didn’t know what he would have done, how he could have gone on, if he hadn’t been able to catch her and keep her from harm.
Beside him, Holly began to rant and rave, cutting into his thoughts. “How could I not have strapped her in? How could I have been so negligent?”
But he placed one hand on her shoulder, using the other to rub Emmy’s back as she snuggled against her mommy. “Holly,” he began, “don’t beat yourself up over it.”
“But Derek, she could have—”
“Yeah, but she wasn’t. Honey, no one can be perfect all the time.”
“But I’d never have forgiven myself if—”
“You told me yourself,” he pointed out, “that parenthood is a learn-as-you-go thing. You work so hard to be a good mother, but it’s impossible not to make a mistake every now and then.”
And it was then that he realized his own words almost startled him. Because they were pretty much the same she’d imparted on him not so long ago.
But he couldn’t think about that right now—Holly was upset and he needed to comfort her. And hell, maybe he needed a little comfort himself—he was still pretty shaken up.