“Yes,” she moaned, angling her head back to give him better access. The first time—in fact, all the other attempts—had been a mask for sadness. They had both needed the physical release so they wouldn’t have to think about everything they’d lost.
But that’s not what this was tonight. This wasn’t about mindlessly giving herself over to pleasure. This was about actively choosing pleasure.
This was about choosing Josh and this was about Josh choosing her. Not as a substitute, not as a replacement—not to fill a void left behind by someone else.
He’d come back for her. She was worth the risk.
She had things she wanted to say, but she was too busy kissing Josh back to say them. His hands slid up the silk of her dress, caressing her body at a maddeningly slow pace. Her skin began to tingle and then burn under his touch, as if her dress had suddenly become too hot and she needed to take it off right now.
Somehow, they got into her apartment. It barely registered that she’d scarcely been here in weeks. All she could think about was Josh’s hands on her. All she wanted to think about was this night—a night of romance. A night to feel special and wanted and—yes—irresistible.
“Tell me what you want,” Josh breathed in her ear as he found her zipper and pulled it down notch by notch. “Do you want it slow and seductive or do you want it hard? You liked it hard last time, babe.” She quivered at the memory. Josh exhaled against her neck and she felt his arms shake as they slid over the silk covering her breasts. “Yes, you liked it when I held you down and thrust into you and made you come, didn’t you?”
“Josh,” she breathed as he stroked her nipples through her dress.
“Look at you,” he said in a reverential tone. “Don’t hold anything back, babe. Give me all of it.”
She reached back behind her to stroke the length of him through his tuxedo pants. He was hard and hot and maybe it was shameless, but she wanted him inside of her. She needed him. God, she needed him like she’d never needed anyone before in her life.
Years of sexual denial all melted away as he put his hand on the back of her neck and tilted her head forward. “I’m going to give you exactly what you want, but this time, I’m going to make sure you’re ready for it.” With that, he slid the dress off her shoulders and shoved it down over her hips. The expensive silk pooled at her feet and she was left in nothing but a tasteful pair of pale pink panties and a matching bra, because the Winchester sisters had had enough foresight to insist that she wear beautiful underthings with a beautiful dress. She needed to remember to send a thank-you note for that little bit of advice because listening to Josh inhale sharply as his hands stroked over her breasts and down her bottom was worth it.
“God, Lucy,” he groaned, and the next thing she knew, he fell to his knees behind her and bit her bottom. Not hard, but with the feel of his teeth on her in such a hidden, intimate place, she couldn’t fight the shudder that went through her.
“What are you doing?”
“Loving you,” he said simply. He pulled her panties down and kissed the spot he’d bitten. Then he kissed the other side. As he did so, his hands came up between her legs and he began to stroke her.
She wasn’t used to her heels and the things he was doing to her—his mouth on her, his fingers on her, his fingers inside of her. “I can’t stand.” She wasn’t sure how much of it she could take. “Josh, please.”
“What? ‘Josh, please’ what?” His fingers found her clitoris as his thumb slipped inside of her and he began to move his hand in a way that turned her brain to complete mush. “Josh, please make me come? Is that what you want to say?”
“Yes,” she hissed, trying to find a way to stand that would keep her from falling over.
He bit her again, a little harder this time. Everything about Lucy’s body tightened up as the climax shook her. She moaned as her knees gave, but Josh caught her. “There’s my girl,” he said. She couldn’t help but think that he sounded a little relieved. “God, you’re so beautiful when you come.”
“Bed,” she said weakly.
“Hmm. You can still talk. I think I need to try harder.” He scooped her into his arms and stood effortlessly, as if it were the easiest thing in the world. Then he carried her to the bedroom and set her on the edge of the bed.
He got her bra undone as she worked at his pants. “Lucy—” he said through clenched teeth as she freed him from his boxer briefs and wrapped her lips around him. “What are you doing?”
“Something I’ve never done before,” she told him as she ran her tongue up his length.
“Lucy...” he groaned. “I’m supposed to be making this up to you, not the other way around.” But even as he said it, he fisted his hand in her hair—there were advantages to not always having her hair pulled back in a bun.
Maybe she wasn’t doing this right—maybe she should let him be in charge. But he didn’t pull her away. “You should stop.” He sounded as if he was hanging on to his self-control by the very thinnest of margins.
Granted, she didn’t know a lot about oral sex. Okay, so she didn’t know about sex in general. So she had no idea if it was supposed to be such a turn-on to have pushed Josh to the edge like this. But it was. The space between her legs throbbed with need as she swirled her tongue around his tip and he groaned again. She knew that in a few moments he’d take back control and throw her down on this bed and do bad, bad things to her. But, right now, she was in control. And he wasn’t.
His skin was smooth in her mouth—that wasn’t so unexpected. But the way he tasted—that was something she hadn’t anticipated. He was salty and musky and he tasted like Josh should taste. She tried to suck him into her mouth, but it didn’t go quite the way she wanted it to, so she went back to licking.
“Lucy,” he said, the warning in his voice clear. This time, he did pull her away from him. He bent over and kissed her hard, tangling his tongue with hers. She could feel danger in his touch. It was exciting, that danger. His teeth skimmed her lips and his hand slid between her legs, stroking her again. “You’re so wet for me,” he whispered into her mouth as his fingers raced across her skin.
She was buzzing with desire as Josh pulled away, pushing her down on her back and pulling her to the edge of the bed. He braced her legs under his arms. Pausing only long enough to roll on the condom, he grabbed her wrist and held it down by her side. “You let me know if this is too rough.”
She couldn’t stop her hips from shimmying from side to side. “I need you now,” she told him, her voice shaking. “Now, Josh.”
He pressed against her, his length sliding against her sex. “Impatient,” he teased as she squirmed against him.
“I’ve been waiting decades for this,” she snapped, squeezing him with her thighs and pulling him toward her. “I’m not waiting for you any longer.”
Unexpectedly, he paused. “You have, haven’t you?” Then he shifted his hips as he pressed against her opening. “Then I won’t make you wait another second.”
Lucy tensed, even though it hadn’t exactly hurt last time—maybe that was the advantage of being an older virgin.
“I’ve got you,” he said reassuringly. Then he thrust into her. There was no pain this time—just friction. Just the need to move against him, with him, as he filled her.
He was not terribly gentle. He hadn’t been last time, either. She hadn’t realized that it would work for her—but it did. He kept her knees trapped under his arms and held her wrists against her side and drove into her over and over again and all she had to do was lie there and let wave after wave of pleasure wash over her. She didn’t have to make any life-or-death decisions. She didn’t have to supervise nurses or tiptoe around administrators. Josh took care of everything.
But her orgasm danced just out of her reach until Josh let go of one of her wrists and cupped her breast. He tweaked her
nipple in time with his thrusts and the shock of the sensation pushed her over the edge. She arched into his touch and moaned as her release shook her.
Josh gripped her hips and pounded into her. When he came, he made a sound that was almost animalistic. Then he withdrew, sliding down to his knees so he could rest his head against her stomach. “God, Lucy. I didn’t know I could still feel this way.”
She lay on her back, staring up at the ceiling, her heart pounding and her body still shaking as she tangled her fingers in his hair. Anything to touch him. “I didn’t know I could feel this way at all,” she admitted.
He looked up at her and grinned. “It’s a good thing, I hope?”
She brushed hair out of his eyes. “It is.”
“I’ll be back.” He had turned to go, but then paused and turned back. “And this time I’m not going to screw it up.”
Lucy laughed and watched him go. He did have a damned fine butt.
She flopped back on the bed. He was getting cleaned up and then she would get cleaned up and then... And then she would go to sleep in his arms. And she would wake up there, too. And maybe in the morning, they could make love again before...
Before she had to go back to the Winchester estate. Back to being Sutton Winchester’s oncologist and the head of the oncology department at Midwest.
A sense of loss invaded her happiness. She hadn’t known she could feel this way—and now she did. She was discovering she liked sex and that she liked her partner to be in control. But more than that, she liked Josh. When he wasn’t driving her nuts, at least. But when she went back to being Dr. Lucinda Wilde, he was going to go back to being Josh Calhoun, head of the Calhoun Creamery—based in Cedar Point, Iowa.
She shouldn’t miss him. After all, they’d gone almost seventeen years without seeing each other, right? And maybe...
And maybe what? He hated Chicago and she hadn’t been back to Cedar Point since after Gary’s funeral. Those weren’t exactly the makings of a long-distance relationship—if he even wanted one. If she even wanted one—and she didn’t know if she did. It would take a lot of time away from her job and her patients.
If she wanted something more with Josh—would she be putting lives in danger?
Boy, she was overthinking this by a lot. If ever there was a situation that called for a one-day-at-a-time approach, this was it. She shouldn’t be thinking about anything past breakfast tomorrow morning. Everything else could wait.
Josh came out of the bathroom and she took her turn. And then, finally, she climbed in between the sheets and curled up in Josh’s arms. By some unspoken agreement, they didn’t talk. That’s when it all had gone wrong last time—the talking.
Instead, Josh rubbed lazy circles into her shoulder as she drifted off to sleep thinking that she was definitely going to miss this.
* * *
For the first time in years, Josh woke up in a woman’s arms. There’d been a part of him that had been afraid of this—of being with another woman. Would he be able to fully let himself go? Or would he constantly be thinking about Sydney? The reason he hadn’t started dating again was not that he was afraid he would call another woman by his wife’s name, but it was still a little fear that bothered at the back of his mind.
But he knew from the moment he began to float out of sleep that it was Lucy, not Sydney, in his arms. And, honestly, he didn’t know if that was a relief or something that scared him even more, because he didn’t want to forget about Sydney. But he also didn’t want her ghost to be between him and Lucy.
He had no idea how to honor his wife and move on with his life at the same time. But for the first time in five years, he thought he might want to try. Because he had missed this. Not just the sex—although the sex was surprisingly good. She got an A for effort. Enthusiasm made up for lack of experience.
Even just thinking about the way she had licked him was making him hard. Yes, enthusiasm made up for a lot.
“Humph,” Lucy groaned from somewhere near his chest. She rolled onto her back and flung an arm over her forehead. She had pulled the sheets down around her waist and her breasts... God, her breasts.
Josh rolled into her and began licking her nipple. “Good morning.”
“What time is it?” she mumbled. And then she moaned again. “Oh. Good morning, indeed.” Her hand snaked down under the sheets and found his throbbing erection.
“A man could get used to this,” he told her, shifting over her so that he covered her body with his. He was not going to insult her honor or her virtue or her work ethic. He had promised that he was going to make it up to her and he would be damned if he screwed that up.
Because this was what he wanted. Lucy was who he wanted. As he joined his body to hers, he knew that this was the only way forward for him. Lucy understood him in a way that no one else did.
Their lovemaking was quieter in the morning hours, and he was able to take his time and learn her better. He didn’t have to rush anything. Somehow, they would make this work.
And when she came apart in his arms again, he let himself go and followed her over the edge. “Mine,” he whispered into her hair when he fell onto her. “My beautiful Lucy.”
She wrapped her arms around his chest and held him tight. “That’s not too bad for a sweet nothing,” she said in a shaky voice.
Something about the way she said that struck a note of fear in the back of his mind. It hadn’t been what he’d expected her to say, but more than that, it was the way she said it. Aside from the shakiness, she had not sounded like a woman who had just come in his arms.
She sounded...distant, almost.
Josh levered himself up and looked down at her. Her brow was wrinkled and she had that faraway look in her eyes that meant she was thinking too hard again. “Lucy? I want to keep doing this.”
A tight smile danced across her lips and then was gone. “I wish we could, but I have to work.”
She put her hands on his chest and pushed him aside before she rolled out of bed.
He felt that note of fear again.
And it didn’t go away when she came out of the bathroom and went to stand in front of her closet instead of coming back to bed or even smiling at him. “How much longer are you here for?”
He sat on the edge of the bed and stared at her. Where had he screwed up? There’d been no discussions of his late wife, no mention of Lucy’s high school sweetheart—and he certainly hadn’t accused her of being a virgin again. So why was she acting like this? “You tell me,” he said in a cautious tone. “I came back for you, you know.”
She tossed a nervous smile over her shoulder and then pulled out one of her basic button-up blouses. “I won’t ask you to stay. I am, for the foreseeable future, still living at the Winchester estate and I know how much you hate Chicago.”
That sounded final and he didn’t like it. “I’m not planning on moving back here, but I thought that maybe we could...”
Lucy took a deep breath and turned to face him. Her blouse barely came to her hips and her hair was mussed, and damn it all, she was still beautiful. “I don’t think we can,” she told him in a carefully controlled voice, and he found himself wondering if this was what she sounded like when she talked to patients with terminal diagnoses. “This was wonderful—don’t get me wrong—but I’ve thought about it, and I just don’t think there’s any way that this could be an ongoing thing.”
“You what?” He couldn’t believe his ears. “Lucy, don’t you realize what we have?”
“It doesn’t matter,” she told him.
Maybe he was still asleep. Maybe this was a nightmare. He could wake up now. That would be okay. “Of course, it matters. You matter to me, Lucy.”
She exhaled heavily, her shoulders slumping. “Josh, you say that now—but what happens the next time I ask a question about your wife? What ha
ppens the next time you play with a little kid and I get to watch the shadows creep into your eyes and you have to do something—anything—not to think about it until you can’t avoid the truth anymore?”
“That’s not what this was. Okay, maybe our first time was a little bit of that—but not this time. Damn it, Lucy. You are not just a distraction for me.” The moment the words left his mouth the fear in the back of his mind blossomed into something larger. Something he could name. “And I’m not just a distraction for you—am I?”
She didn’t answer right away, which was all the answer he needed. “Damn it, Lucy—I never meant to hurt you. I want to love you.”
She came over to him, sorrow in her eyes. But she didn’t cry. She touched his cheek and then leaned up and kissed the spot where her fingertips had warmed his skin. “I love you, too—but it doesn’t change things. What happened between us...”
“It matters,” he told her fiercely. “Don’t you dare tell me it doesn’t matter.”
“It does.” For the first time, he heard weakness in her voice. “But don’t you understand? I was a thirty-five-year-old virgin for a reason, Josh. I am, for all intents and purposes, married to my job. I save lives. And yes—” she cut him off as he opened his mouth to argue “—part of it is that I’ve never had anyone I cared enough about to have a relationship with. But I do the most good fighting cancer, one patient at a time. It would be wrong to turn my back on that just because I’m in love with you. People will die if I don’t do my job to the very best of my abilities.”
He realized he was shaking with anger. “People die,” he told her through clenched teeth. “People die all the time and there’s nothing that you or I or anyone can do about it. My wife died in one of the best hospitals in Chicago because she had an aneurysm. I spent years blaming myself—years, Lucy. But there’s nothing I could have done. There’s nothing the doctors could have done. People die. Gary died. My parents died. Every day, I live in terror that my older brother Lincoln will die in whatever war-torn country he’s in right now. My grandfather could die tomorrow in his sleep and be contented with his long and happy life. And there’s not a goddamn thing you can do about any of it.”
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