Paige nudged Bonnie. ‘If we don’t go over, we’re never going to get to speak to him.’
‘I know,’ Bonnie replied quietly, ‘but he seems sort of preoccupied.’
‘Oh, Mum, you’re far too polite.’ Paige held up her pass and waved it at Bonnie.
‘He gave us these and said we should go backstage and talk to him. So let’s go talk to him, he won’t mind, he’s really nice.’
Bonnie took a deep breath. ‘Ok.’
They nudged forwards together, moving close enough so that they could see him, but trying not to get in anyone’s way. For a while, he carried on talking, and both Bonnie and Paige tried vainly to catch his eye without actually having to call him purposely to speak, but he seemed oblivious to their presence. Eventually, Bonnie decided that she wasn’t going to make the end of Paige’s special night (and hers too, though it was harder to admit to herself just how much this evening meant to her) a complete wash-out. She cleared her throat, and as a natural break in the conversation came, she spoke.
‘Hi Holden… remember us?’
He looked at her, for a moment no recognition in his eyes, and then he smiled.
‘Yeah, I think…’
‘The radio station last week?’ Bonnie finished for him helpfully.
‘Of course! How are you doing?’
‘Brilliant!’ Paige cut in. ‘You were amazing tonight,’ she added breathlessly.
‘Yeah?’ he asked, raising an immaculate eyebrow, clearly already aware that he had been amazing.
‘Yeah, totally. I mean, I nearly fainted because you were so good.’
He laughed.
‘Actually,’ Bonnie said, ‘I think that might have been something to do with the fact that we were squashed up at the front of the stage with about ten thousand people behind us trying to get where we were.’
‘Ok, give a compliment in one hand and then take it away with the other,’ Holden laughed and everyone else laughed too. Bonnie felt herself colour again.
He caught her eye and he seemed to hold her gaze, for just a moment more than was appropriate before turning to Paige again. Bonnie felt her heart beat so hard she was certain everyone would hear it. She barely noticed what Paige was saying to him.
‘Right, Mum?’ Paige asked.
‘Hmmm?’ Bonnie replied vaguely.
‘I said, it was the best night of our entire lives,’ Paige repeated.
‘Yeah,’ Bonnie said, trying, but failing, to pull her gaze away from Holden’s eyes, that seemed to be locked hungrily onto her now.
Brad turned from a momentary lapse in the conversation he had been having and noticed Bonnie and Paige.
‘Hey!’ he greeted, swinging his chair around. ‘It’s Paige, isn’t it?’
Paige lit up at the mention of her name, clearly thrilled that he had remembered it.
Bonnie smiled as Paige skipped over to talk to him. Holden left his chair and took Bonnie gently by the arm, slightly away from the rest of his little crowd.
‘You want a drink?’ he asked, reaching across her for a bottle of beer on a tray just behind. She felt his breath on her neck and her heart began to pound erratically again. She nodded mutely and he handed her a bottle. ‘Here,’ he said, grabbing an opener and wrenching the cap off. ‘So… how long have you been Paige’s mum?’
Bonnie laughed. ‘Um…’
‘Terrible joke, right?’
‘A bit,’ Bonnie admitted.
‘You enjoyed the concert?’
Bonnie nodded vigorously.
‘You don’t say much, do you?’ he raised a questioning eyebrow.
‘I just… yes, I’ve had a great night,’ she replied, hardly able to take her eyes off him.
‘Good,’ he said, gently taking her beer from her and putting it to one side with his own. ‘It could be about to get a whole lot better.’
He spun around and his gaze rested on a trendy twenty-something blonde.
‘Kate…’ he beckoned her over. ‘Why don’t we take…’ he waved his hand at Bonnie.
‘Bonnie,’ Bonnie said helpfully.
‘Yeah,’ he continued, ‘Bonnie and Paige for the guided tour?’
Kate tripped over to where Paige was chatting to the other band members while Holden fixed Bonnie with a smouldering look that she thought might make her spontaneously ignite. A few wordless moments later, Kate arrived back with Paige in tow.
‘What’s up?’ Paige asked eagerly.
‘We thought you might like to see the inner workings of a pop tour,’ Holden said smoothly.
‘Cool!’ Paige squeaked, clearly so enamoured of Holden that if he had suggested a tour of a working Victorian sewer she would have said they were her absolute favourite things on the planet.
‘Ok.’ Holden looked at Kate. ‘Shall we do the costumes and dressing rooms first?’
Paige glanced across at the other band members, who were still talking and laughing with various members of the tour entourage. ‘Is anyone else coming?’
‘Let them chill for a bit, and maybe they’ll be in the mood to sing you a song later?’ Holden suggested.
‘But you don’t mind interrupting your break to show us around?’ Paige said. ‘You’re the best!’
Kate smiled and nudged Holden. ‘Shall we get started?’
He nodded, then gallantly ushered Bonnie and Paige from the room to wait in the corridor, he and Kate following on.
‘I wish Annabel could have been here for all this,’ Paige said to Bonnie. ‘She would have loved it.’
‘Annabel? Was that your friend who won the competition with you?’ Holden asked as Kate closed the door to the Green Room behind them.
‘Yeah,’ Paige replied. ‘She’s got flu so she couldn’t come. We got her this…’ she opened her bag to reveal a carefully folded up t-shirt. ‘We were going to ask you to sign it for her before we went home. Not much of a consolation, but we figured it was better than nothing, didn’t we, Mum?’
Bonnie nodded.
Holden thought for a moment. ‘Maybe we can do better than that. Kate…’ he looked at his assistant. ‘I know the merch stand will be packing up now, but they should still be knocking around. How about you take Paige down to pick out some more stuff for her friend, anything she likes, and the tour will pick up the tab.’ He paused. ‘Take as long as you like,’ he added in a deliberate tone. ‘Make sure she looks through everything properly. Then maybe buy her some food or something, I heard her saying earlier that she was hungry.’
‘I never,’ Paige protested.
‘Really? I thought you did. But I bet you are,’ Holden said encouragingly. ‘And maybe your mum is?’ He turned to Bonnie.
‘I could eat something,’ Bonnie replied, ‘but I’m sure we can stop off at a MacDonald’s or something on the way home.’
‘No way. You’re our guests, Kate will get something for you, won’t you Kate?’ Holden turned to his assistant, who nodded.
‘Come on then,’ Kate said to Paige, ‘otherwise everything will be packed up.’
‘Should we go down with them?’ Bonnie asked as they turned to go.
‘Pointless us all going down. Besides,’ Holden added in a dark voice, ‘if there are still fans hanging around down there it’ll be like world war three if I turn up.’
‘Oh, yeah, of course,’ Bonnie agreed.
‘We can carry on our tour and they can catch us up later.’
Bonnie turned to say goodbye to Paige but she and Kate had already disappeared through a set of doors.
‘Shall we?’ Holden gestured along the corridor in the opposite direction.
Bonnie followed him until they came to the first doors they had knocked on when they got backstage to look for the band: the dressing rooms.
‘This is where we all get naked,’ Holden grinned as he held the door open for Bonnie, who felt herself blush despite her best efforts not to. She looked up at him, his eyes still unnaturally bright, that flush still on his cheeks, his hair now drying into t
hick waves, his skin, the most flawless and smooth skin she had ever seen on a man… The idea of him naked in that room was almost enough to make her knees buckle. Peering in through the door, she nodded. ‘It looks… cosy,’ she commented, and then stepped back out into the hallway again.
‘Let’s go in and look around,’ Holden said, nudging her back through the doorway again.
‘I’ve seen it.’
‘You haven’t seen it all,’ Holden insisted.
Bonnie suddenly found herself inside. Holden shut the door behind them.
‘Nice, huh?’ he asked with a slow grin.
She glanced around. It was nothing spectacular – plain walls, mirror-topped dressing tables; it seemed that the wardrobe team had already emptied out as there was very little tour paraphernalia left anywhere.
‘It’s great,’ Bonnie said, unconvinced, but her heart suddenly banging against her ribs as she realised that they were alone together in the tiny space. In all her wildest dreams, she couldn’t have imagined this. This was a moment that would live long in her memory. It was something to treasure. She looked up at him expectantly.
But instead of saying anything, he simply pushed her up against the wall, holding her in an intense gaze with his body pressed against hers.
‘What are you doing?’ Bonnie asked, her pulse racing.
‘What do you think?’ He leaned to kiss her.
Shocked at first, she stiffened, but then the softness of his lips melted her into submission and she began to kiss him back, tentatively, and then harder and hungrier with him. I’m kissing Holden Finn! This was like some mad fairy tale where the prince notices Cinderella and, against all odds, chooses her over every noblewoman and princess in the land. This was amazing, this sort of thing didn’t happen to women like her, it was too good to be true…
But then his kisses became rougher, his hands all over her, she could taste the sourness of beer on his breath. There was the sound of a zipper tearing open and then fumbling fingers at the button of her jeans too.
Bonnie pushed him off in blind panic. ‘What the hell are you doing?’
‘I thought you liked me,’ he said, looking confused.
‘I thought you liked me!’ Bonnie replied.
‘I do, that’s why I’m trying to get your jeans undone, so if you wouldn’t mind helping me out…’
Bonnie glanced around the tiny dressing room. Now that it was empty, it was more like a dusty store cupboard with posh mirrors. The stockroom at Applejack’s looked more glamorous. ‘You’re trying to get my jeans undone in here? Were you thinking of just sticking it in me up against this wall?’
He shrugged. ‘Well… yeah. Where else do you suggest?’
Bonnie suddenly felt sick. Her mind went back to Paige, even now happily choosing a gift for Annabel, oblivious to the seedy drama unfolding in her absence. ‘You sent my daughter away so you could have a quick shag?’
‘You don’t want her watching, do you?’ he grinned.
Bonnie was overwhelmed by anger. She raised a hand to slap him but something stopped her. The image of Paige in the crowd having the time of her life was the one thing that would make the memory of this night bearable. If she slapped him now, who would security believe? She and Paige would be thrown out, shamed, and Bonnie would have to tell Paige the sad truth about the man she idolised. She didn’t think she could live with being the one responsible for waking that cynicism in her daughter, the same cynicism and distrust that stopped Bonnie from finding happiness herself, that made her pine for some image of perfection which was, when the real and dirty truth was laid before her, a lot less perfect than all the choices she had been faced with before.
In that same second, she dropped her hand and raised herself to her full height, looking him squarely in the eye, all fear and worship gone. ‘If you don’t mind, I’ll go and get my daughter and leave.’
Holden’s mouth dropped open comically. ‘You’re going?’
‘Of course I am. Why would that be such a shock to you? Did you really think you were that irresistible?’
‘You’re the one who’s been drooling all night; I’ve watched you, dying to get in my pants. I thought you’d be happy I chose you. I could have had any of those younger women at the party,’ he shot back.
‘Is that so?’ Bonnie said calmly as she straightened her top. ‘Help yourself… And I hope you get Chlamydia.’
Seven
Looking back on that night, Bonnie would never know how she held it together for long enough to avoid Paige becoming suspicious that something was wrong. She mumbled some excuse about the party packing up because they had plans to move on for the next date and Holden, thankfully, said nothing to the contrary. The other band members, oozing professional charm, posed happily for photos and signed armfuls of official merchandise that they had gifted to Paige, oblivious to the mayhem that their band mate had caused; Holden played along with as little participation as he could get away with. But Bonnie had to be thankful for small mercies; he could have made things a great deal more awkward had he chosen to. Holden’s only retaliation for her rejection and humiliation was an icy glare as Bonnie was leaving.
Paige fell asleep on the journey home, leaving Bonnie to drive back in silence, the dark, empty roads stretching out before her as if mirroring her dark and empty life. How could she have been so stupid? As if someone like him would ever have valued her as anything more than another sexual conquest, just one more in a long line of women desperate to catch his attention in whatever form it took.
Finally arriving home in the early hours of Sunday morning and seeing Paige to bed, she slipped beneath her own covers. But sleep wouldn’t come. Instead there were hot tears and bitter thoughts and the knowledge that she would never trust another man again.
***
When Bonnie arrived for her weekly catch up after work one night, Jeanie was in her spare bedroom surrounded by half-packed boxes and dusty belongings organised loosely into piles around the floor.
‘Here you are!’ Bonnie said, peering around the doorway. She cast a critical glance at the debris littering the floor. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Sorting out,’ Jeanie said, dropping a duster onto of a set of drawers. ‘I thought it was about time I started.’
Bonnie was gripped by a horrible realisation. ‘Started for what, exactly?’
‘For when I move out,’ Jeanie said, forcing an airy smile.
‘You’re really doing this?’
Jeanie nodded. ‘You knew I was.’
‘I know...’ Bonnie faltered. ‘I suppose I thought you might change your mind.’
‘No,’ Jeanie said softly. ‘I’m not going to change my mind.’
Bonnie picked up a faded rag doll from the floor, threads hanging from a grubby dress. ‘Sally Raggy. I didn’t know you’d kept this,’ she said sadly.
‘Of course. It was the only thing that would get you to sleep for the first three years of your life. I remember the time we left her in the caravan in Wales; what a nightmare that was, I thought your dad was going to blow a gasket when we told him he’d got to go back.’
Bonnie smiled. ‘That’s one of my first proper memories, that holiday.’
‘Take Sally Raggy with you, if you want.’
Bonnie put the doll down on a pile of books and folded her arms across her chest in a defensive stance.
‘Despite what you think, you’ll be ok, you know,’ Jeanie said. ‘Come down to the kitchen and I’ll get the kettle on. There’s something I want to talk to you about.’
***
‘I know you’ve always been adamant that you don’t want money from me, so I’ve stood by and watched you struggle since Henri left and it’s killed me,’ Jeanie said. Bonnie made to argue but Jeanie held up a hand to stop her. ‘Listen, for once.’ Bonnie closed her mouth with a frown and Jeanie continued. ‘Juan has a gorgeous big house in Spain which he owns outright, and he doesn’t expect me to pay anything into it. Your dad made sure that I would be
looked after too, if anything happened to him. So I’ve been thinking. What’s the use of me selling this house? What if things don’t work out with Juan and I want to come back? Besides, this is the house you were born in and I love it, I don’t want to see some strange family in here.’
‘You could rent it,’ Bonnie cut in.
‘I’m getting to that, Bon, just shush for a minute, will you.’
Bonnie dragged her tea across the table and took a sip.
‘So, I could rent it out but that would mean trusting my tenants not to trash it. And again, what if I wanted to come back? I’d then have to get them out and it doesn’t seem fair.’
‘What can you do then?’
‘I want you and Paige to have the house.’
Bonnie put her tea down and stared at her mum. ‘I can’t afford the rent on this place.’
‘I don’t want rent.’
‘What...’
‘I want you to have it, live here for free. I mean...’ Jeanie added quickly, sensing a fresh line of argument, ‘it would come to you anyway when I die, so why not have it now?’
‘Because it’s yours and you need the income, or at least the stability of knowing it’s there for you if you want to come home.’
‘I don’t need the income. And I want to see you have some stability while I’m around to appreciate it, not when I’m six feet under. And as for knowing it’s there if I want to come home, would you turn me away if I came back with my suitcase and a box of tissues?’
‘Of course not,’ Bonnie said, ‘you know I’d never do that.’
‘Exactly. This way, everybody is happy.’
‘Not me.’
‘Think about someone else for a change,’ Jeanie snapped. She paused for a moment and then softened her tone. ‘Don’t be so stubborn all the time when it serves no purpose. Think how good this would be for Paige. And how much more settled I’d be knowing that you have this rock solid roof over your head, no rent to worry about, no threats of eviction...’
Hopelessly Devoted to Holden Finn Page 11