“Ready?” I asked. I’d been up for a while. Hades slept in on a good day. On a bad day, it was major insomnia. It changed from one day to the next. I’d realized that he slept when he stayed over at my place more often than not.
I put my mug in the sink and sauntered over to him, smirking. He took my hand and pressed his lips to my knuckles, pulling me closer. With his eyes on mine, locked in a world that only the two of us existed in, everything went black.
Charon, the ferryman, was suddenly next to us. We were in Hades’ domain, and I’d been here enough times to feel comfortable… well, as at ease as one could be in the Underworld. Hades and I climbed into the long, wooden boat and Charon ferried us over the still and dark river Styx. We’d gone from my kitchen to the Underworld in a flash. I’d barely felt the shudder of our magic, and perhaps I should have brought my mug of coffee with me to enjoy.
“Home sweet home,” Hades said when we walked toward his palace of darkness. I couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic, if he hated being back, or if this was the place he really felt at home in because it was all he had. I was still trying to figure out who he was.
We walked into the palace. The place was dark and dreary, decorated in black and red and even though it was luxurious, it was laced with death. From every window there was a view of the souls that floated around below, the reminder that this place wasn’t ever going to be somewhere that anyone could be happy.
“Elyse,” Hades said when I stood at the window, looking out over the dreary landscape.
I turned to him. He stood a few feet away and he looked solemn and regal, the god of the Underworld and not quite the guy I was dating, the guy who could be so warm when he wanted to be.
“What is it?” I asked.
He looked so stoic, it made me nervous. Since Death had returned to where he belonged, there hadn’t really been a reason to worry other than the small tasks I had to do to keep the humans safe from supernatural forces coming on Earth to take souls. But this… this looked serious.
“Stay here with me,” Hades said, his voice deep and meaningful.
I frowned. “I’m here until we head back.” A part of me screamed that he was asking me something else, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. Or maybe I didn’t want to figure it out. Because a part of me knew exactly what he was asking.
“Permanently,” he finally admitted.
Fuck. There it was.
“So you’re not going to vote for me staying on Earth because you want me here.” It was a statement, not a question. I assumed he was on my side about living at Olympus, yet he only wanted me to live in his realm. I shook my head. This was bullshit.
“It solves your problems,” he said. “You don’t have to decide between either of those. You can be here with me and no one is going to tell you otherwise.”
“What if I don’t want to stay here?” I asked. “And the other gods will come and visit me, so will you be all right with them being in your home?”
Hades’ face darkened a little. “I want to be with you, Elyse. I want you here with me, at my side, ruling the Underworld together.” That time, his voice darkened.
I shook my head. “I’m not the queen of the Underworld, Hades.” No, because that was Persephone. “I can’t play this game with you.”
“It’s not a game.”
“Oh, yeah?” I gritted my teeth. “And what exactly is it? Because I’m pretty sure you asked Persephone the same thing once. But she said no, and then you tricked her into staying with that shitty curse that forced her into the darkness for half a year. Is that what you’re going to do to me?”
Hades’ face reddened, and his nose wrinkled like it did every time he got mad. I didn’t blame him. But I was pissed off, too. Who did he think he was, that I would choose him over all the others? Who did he think I was, that I would give up everything I was and everything I had for him? I wasn’t a damsel in distress. And I had a job on Earth. Why didn’t anyone seem to recognize that?
“You’re being pathetic,” Hades snapped at me.
I let out a surprised laugh. “You have to curse women to stay with you and I’m the pathetic one?”
I hadn’t meant to hit him with such a low blow, but the words were out there and I was too angry to apologize right away. Hades paled a little before his eyes shot fire at me.
“You have no idea what the fuck is going on here, do you?” Hades bellowed.
“I know exactly,” I cried out. “Everyone wants a piece of me, but no one can be bothered to ask me what I want. And now I’m stuck, torn apart between the four of you, and I’m supposed to make a choice that doesn’t rip me up.”
Hades came toe to toe with me. We had done this so many times. We could dance, he and I. He was one of the four gods who’s gotten physical with me like this, that used to fight me like I was a man, like the fight was equal.
But instead of letting it come to blows like we would have done before, Hades took a step back again.
It turned out that we had grown, after all, even though we were still arguing. But I doubted Hades and I would ever get to a point where we didn’t fight at all. We were very close, especially lately, but we got stuck as a general rule. The fact that we handled it differently now said a lot.
“Look, you didn’t know what you wanted, so I thought I would give you an out,” Hades said. “If you don’t like it, just say no. It’s not necessary to be a bitch about it.”
“Don’t be a dick, then,” I said. “Everyone is putting pressure on me and you know that I’m conflicted about this. What did you think was going to happen if you made it that much worse for me?”
Hades shook his head and stepped away, putting more distance between us. I wasn’t sure if it was because we would end up fighting if he didn’t, or if we would end up fucking.
That happened too when we fought, more often than not. And I’d enjoyed the idea of both with Hades.
“I was trying to help. But take it however you like. Just, for fuck’s sake, don’t be a martyr.”
“I’m not playing the victim!” I cried out. How dare he think that of me? I was in a tough spot and I damn hated it.
Hades shook his head and walked past me to the window, looking out over the souls outside. “You’re not the only person with a hard life.”
“Don’t compare my pain to yours,” I snapped.
Hades stared at me with eyes that were void of life. I hated it when he looked at me like that. It was a new thing he was doing and it reminded me of a time when he hadn’t given a shit about me. Or rather, hadn’t wanted to admit that he did.
“I am so tired of your shit,” I said. “I’m leaving.”
“Yeah, do what you do best, sweetheart,” Hades said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Just run away. Maybe even give killing yourself a shot again. You’ll be able to garner some sympathy that way.”
I glared at him, so fucking angry, I could attack him. But I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of winning this round. Instead, I turned around and marched out of the palace. I had to cross all the way back to the River Styx and then have the ferryman take me to the other side before I was able to vanish my way back home. Being a goddess now meant I didn’t have to pay him to cross the river. I wasn’t sure how to do it any other way, the way Hades or any of the other gods would have been able to do it.
But it was proof that I wasn’t like that, that I wouldn’t fit in with them, no matter where they wanted me to be. I was, at my core, still just a human being.
And sometimes I still felt so alone, removed from everything, and like none of them would ever understand me.
Chapter Seven
I stood on the roof of a building the city, looking out over the place I had to protect. The wind blew past, sweeping my ponytail over my shoulder. Chicago seemed to be the hub of all supernatural activity. Why the hell the gods and all the monsters and other troubles chose to zone in on this place was beyond me.
<
br /> But it was why this place had become home. It was where my family had been settled for centuries, to do what Zeus had appointed us to do. And now that I was a goddess, I was here to do exactly what I was made to do, too.
It just all seemed like such a mess now, though. I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I didn’t want to leave and live on Mount Olympus. But I also didn’t want to be the maid who just cleaned up the mess. No one even knew who I was and what I did. No one knew why they were being saved or that they were even being saved.
People didn’t even believe in the Divine Beings anymore. Most of them didn’t give a flip about the gods and what and who we were. So I had come into the picture in an era where no one would even know there was a new one who had joined the team. Go figure.
I could disappear and no one would know. I could leave and not even give a shit and no one would be any wiser. They would just die again outside of their time.
Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea. I had never felt so useless and so alone. I couldn’t even talk to anyone about it. Who was I going to ask? The gods were torn about it—Ares didn’t give a shit, Poseidon wanted me on Mount Olympus, Hades preferred me in the Underworld.
Apollo hoped I stayed right here, which was exactly where I intended to be. The problem was that he didn’t wish for me to be here because it was what I desired. He asked me to stay in Chicago because it was what he wanted. But if either reason ended in the same outcome, did it make a difference?
It did to me. I was going to lose something no matter what I chose. And what if I lost them on top of it—one, or two, or maybe all? Was I ready for that? Why did making a choice have so many consequences? Why did not making a choice seem to have more?
Apollo was suddenly next to me.
“You found me,” I said.
He nodded, his brow furrowed, shadows crowding under his eyes. “I can feel your pain a mile away.”
My power had its own signature and the gods often found me by following it. But my pain? I hadn’t realized it was so great.
Apollo wrapped his arms around me, and I let him pull me against him, sighing and melting into him. I took a deep breath and his fresh, crisp scent filled my nose. We had been together for the longest out of all my relationships with the gods. With him, everything had always been stable and solid. Apollo was always my rock. But now? He was a pillar of strength to me, even now. But I had no idea where we stood.
“What do you want me to do?” I asked, my voice muffled against his arm.
“To see you.”
I shook my head and pulled away a little so I could look up at his sky-blue eyes. His blond hair was getting longer, hanging well down his back by now. It by no means made him any less masculine. Apollo was about as manly as they got, and even with his long golden hair, he looked more like the lead singer in a heavy-metal rock band.
“No, I mean with this whole shitty business. About where I’ll live.”
Apollo held me at arm’s length, his hands huge on my shoulders. He was a giant against my small frame, but we were equal in power. I could feel it. If it hadn’t been like that before, it definitely was now.
“I want you to be happy,” he finally answered my earlier question, and he offered me that glorious smile that made me forget my worries. But his grin wasn’t working today.
But honestly, these were the words I’d yearned to hear. If he’d told me he wished for me to remain on Earth because it was where I belonged, or if it was because it was where he lived, I might have gotten pissed off with him. But Apollo knew me better than the others did sometimes. He understood me on a different level.
“I can’t live on Mount Olympus,” I admitted, telling him exactly what was on my mind. “They’re not my kind of people. And the humans are important to me. I need to be with them, even though sometimes they rub me the wrong way.”
“It’s always like that,” Apollo explained. “Sometimes I get so fucking pissed off at the humans, I wish Zeus would smite them and get it over with. But you’re happy here, from what I can see. You don’t have to listen to Hera. She’s full of shit on a good day. And it’s never a fucking good day with her.”
I sighed. “Everyone wants something else from me. I feel like whatever I choose, someone is going to be pissed at my decision. And I don’t want to lose any of you.” Saying those words out loud had me shivering, and my throat thickened. I hated this.
“You won’t.” Apollo’s voice softened, filled with tenderness.
I turned away from him to stare out over the city again from our vantage view on the building at the cars, skyscrapers, the park in the distance, people everywhere.
“Can you honestly say that, though? Poseidon prefers me to stay on Olympus. Hades asked me to move to the Underworld with him. And Ares? Fuck, if he would just make up his mind about at least one thing in his life, that would be great.”
It sounded harsher than I’d meant for it to and I opened my mouth to apologize, but Apollo started talking and I didn’t get around to it.
“Why do you want to stay?” he asked. “For me?”
I shook my head. “I mean, I love you. I love all of you. But I prefer to stay because it’s my home. It holds my memories of my parents, my upbringing, my friends. It’s the only home I’ve ever known.”
I wasn’t sure if he would be angry that I’d said I wouldn’t do it for him. But he nodded and he didn’t seem upset at all.
“You have the right to choose what you prefer. You’re not only your own person with the right to make choices for yourself, but you are also a goddess and no one can tell you what to do.”
“Not even Zeus?”
Apollo thought about it for a second, his gaze drifting upward. “Maybe Zeus. He’s almost like your father, after all. He can really tell any of us what to do. But that’s not the point. Zeus isn’t making it a law that gods can’t live on Earth. So you should do what you want to do.”
“That’s exactly what I needed to hear.” And I smiled for real that time, feeling assured of my decision.
“The shit part,” Apollo said, and I groaned inwardly, “is that you’re going to have to make sacrifices no matter what you decide. Your humans and your past, one of us, or the friendship of some of the gods. Nothing comes without sacrifice.”
I covered my face with my hands, and my stomach started to hurt, like it did each time stress consumed me. “That’s not fair. Why are you putting so much pressure on me?”
“I’m not doing anything.” He remained levelheaded, calm and logical, while I wanted to scream. It felt as if my chest were a tangled knot, growing tighter by the moment.
“It’s not just you—it’s all of you,” I said. “You’re all expecting me to make the world go around when I’m barely on top of what I’m doing as a goddess. This isn’t fair. I should be able to at least breathe for a moment before everything comes crashing down on me.”
I sounded accusatory, I was aware of that. And Apollo was getting angry with me, his lips thinning and he kept fidgeting, not standing still, but I didn’t care. I had a lot on my mind and damned if I was going to keep bottling everything up for the sake of sparing everyone else’s feelings.
“I was happy with how things were before, you know,” I added, being completely transparent.
“Were you really?” Apollo asked. “Because it looked to me like you were complaining more often than not about everything being the way it was. You wanted to be powerful and protect Earth, but you don’t.” He tilted his head, and damn him for judging me.
I huffed loudly, hating that he was direct and saying something rude. Because he didn’t bother with my feelings and what this was doing to me. I didn’t once allow myself to consider that maybe, above all the other things I was upset about, it was because he might be right.
“I’m not going to wait around for all of you to judge me,” I said, my words short and clipped. “I’m so sick and tired of this shit, of being treated like a pawn
. You’re all acting like I’m not one of you, even though you keep telling me I am.”
“It’s not like that,” Apollo insisted, reaching out for me.
But I retreated and marched away from him because I was done hearing the excuses. I couldn’t pull the vanishing act like they could yet. Maybe I’d never be able to. Because a part of me was still human, I was sure of it. I didn’t know if I could still die, and I didn’t know a lot of things the gods knew. But I did know that no matter what they said, no matter how they treated me, I wasn’t one of them.
If I left this place behind to go live with them on Mount Olympus, then the lie would be complete.
Chapter Eight
I needed to train. The only way to get my mind off things when I didn’t know which way to turn was to punch and kick a bag until I was too tired to care about anything else.
It had been months since I’d gone to the training center. Actively jumping in and saving humans took time and energy. When I wasn’t being a hero, I jogged in the streets until I was tired.
The rest of the time, when I intended to spar, I practiced with the guys. Not only was it good for me to fight actual gods now, but it was great for the mood. There was nothing like getting physical with the guys before getting… physical.
But today, I didn’t want to spar with any of them. I craved training hard until I collapsed of exhaustion. I was hoping that answers about all of this would come while I was so busy not thinking at all.
When I arrived at the training center, a light was on inside. It was already after dark and the training center was supposed to be deserted. Classes were rarely held this late at night.
I’d always practiced when the humans weren’t using the place. It was better than having to explain why a little human woman like me was so damn strong.
Maybe one of the staff was working late. Or perhaps the last couple of months had seen schedule changes I wasn’t aware of. I was in two minds. Or was it better if I left again and didn’t go in there? But my body ached for some exercise, my muscles screamed at me, and I felt like I had an itch in my chest I couldn’t scratch.
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