I take a seat and stare. I’ve been doing so much research on this disorder, and I still don’t understand. People obviously interact with him. I know it’s a delusion, but why am I an exception to it? I know this isn’t quite what Abby is going through, but it sounds similar. “If you’re dead, what kind of being are you? Are you a ghost?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know. I would have thought I was, but I’m not sure it would really make sense. I just know that I’m not alive.”
“When did you die?” Abby says she died that day with her family. He should be able to answer that, right? What are the chances of meeting two people with Cotard delusion?
He blinks. “When did I die?”
“Yes.”
Hesitating, his gaze drifts around the room as he ponders. I guess he’s never thought of it before. “I think it must’ve been about six months ago. That’s when I first noticed.” Damn. I was really hoping that’d be a breakthrough. Oh well, back to the only plan that seems plausible: I’ll get him to trust me enough that I can talk him into seeing a doctor for psychiatric medication or ECT.
“Of course. That would make sense. Has no one interacted with you since?”
“Well, it’s not unheard of. There are some people like you. People who are special.”
“Oh? How many of those have you met?”
He sighs. “I’m not really sure. It can be tough to tell if people can really see me or if it’s a coincidence. Sometimes I think I went through a whole interaction with someone, thinking they could see me, only to later realize that there was a far more rational explanation. Often, they’re just going through the motions, but sometimes, I’m pretty sure there was just someone behind me.”
I jot a few quick notes on my laptop. “Going through the motions? What do you mean?”
He leans back, staring at the yellow curtains as they filter in soft light. “Like people in shops. Someone sets something on the counter, they don’t even need to see you, and they’ll say the whole spiel anyway.”
I lean forward, studying him. “People in shops can see you?”
Shaking his head, he continues to watch the window. “No, of course not. They don’t need to. Seeing me isn’t part of their job. They’re practically zombies themselves. They just ring up the item and take the money that appears on the counter.”
“Are you a zombie?”
He turns back, staring. “No. I don’t think so. It wouldn’t make sense. More of a ghost, if anything.”
“Right.” Give him time. It might feel like I’m getting nowhere, but I need to let him grow comfortable with me, and maybe he’ll listen enough that I can do some actual good. “That makes sense.” I hope I’m not enabling him. I need to make sure I challenge him enough that he keeps thinking about it, but denying his delusion won’t get me anywhere. Maybe I should do the same for Abby? Just take her at face value and see what happens? Maybe eventually, we can figure things out together.
The rest of the session goes much the same. He doesn’t ever drop the delusion, so I’m pretty sure he genuinely believes it, and I’m unable to make any serious progress. When we say good-bye, he drives off. The car seems to think he’s real. I look over my office to make sure everything is in order, grab my bag, and head out. I check my phone before I start the car, but I haven’t heard from Abby.
It seems like I’m taking up way too much of Sandra’s time with my shit, but hey, what’re friends for? I call her.
* * *
An hour later, I’ve finished ordering pizza when she knocks on the door of my little town house. “The door’s open, Sandy,” I call, grabbing drinks from the fridge.
For a second, I’ll admit, I was imagining Abby had found her way here and was going to talk to me. Still no message on my phone, not that I’ve been keeping an excessively close eye on it or anything.
“Hey, honey,” she says, pulling me into a hug.
I reluctantly hug back, half-heartedly patting her back. I’m in no mood, and I haven’t slept.
“I’ve been worried about you. I’m really glad you called.”
Fine. I hug her back properly and pull away as soon as she releases me. It’s not that I don’t like hugs, but she likes them too much, and I don’t want to encourage her. It does feel nice, though. Maybe I’m being weird because I don’t know what to tell her about Abby. Or because I’ve been awake for thirty-six hours. “Why have you been worried? I’m fine.”
“Fine? Liz, you basically went off the deep end as soon as you heard from Abigail. I know you’ve missed her, but…are you checking your phone to see if she’s messaged you right now?”
I put it back in my pocket. “Sandy—”
“No, Liz, this is ridiculous. Tell me what happened. Did she tell you why she’s been gone? It wasn’t about you, right?”
No, I had nothing to do with it. She just killed and ate her parents, then started a murder spree. You know how it goes; it was just one of those weeks. “She told me.”
Sandy falls into the couch, propping her legs up on a throw pillow, and looks at me expectantly. “Well, spill. What did she say?”
Maybe I should tell her everything. It would certainly be interesting. Then maybe she can help me figure out what to do about it. But what if she goes to the police? I don’t know if Abby actually killed anybody. Maybe she’s just delusional. She did say she was dead, so maybe her victims are only as dead as she is. I can’t hand her over to the police, she needs my help. She said she was home, so maybe I can find her. “She left to tell her parents about me. It was winter break, and they always went mountain climbing.” Sandra will absolutely tell other people. I can’t. “They didn’t take it well. Maybe that’s why they didn’t answer all those times I called their house.” I looked it up, and they were never reported missing or dead, so maybe that was part of the delusion. I’m not exactly lying.
She stares and pats the couch beside her. I must have been pacing this whole time. I sit down next to her. She doesn’t need to know how nervous I am. “So she’s, what, been in conversion therapy?”
Should I just say that? I wish she’d been in some kind of therapy, though conversion certainly wouldn’t have helped. What am I going to do? “I think she got sort of scared and ran. She felt like she was a monster due to the way they reacted. She felt like she couldn’t be trusted around me, so she tried to keep her distance. That’s why she was ignoring me. She was trying to protect me.” Didn’t even have to lie.
“That’s really messed up. It sounds like her parents did a number on her.” She pats my knee. “But she seems better now?”
“Maybe.” I mean, she did seem like she had herself under control. She’s fighting against her delusions, and she’s winning. She won’t hurt anyone else, even if she really did do what she said. Who could blame her if she had, anyway, after everything she went through? “She’s still really scared. She hung up last night after I asked her to come see me. She still thinks she’s going to hurt me.” I try my best to hold back tears. I can barely see through them. “I keep telling her that she’s wrong, that I trust her, that I know I’m safe with her, and that I love her, but she won’t listen.”
Sandy sits up, her eyes locked on mine. “You said what?”
“I asked her to see me in person.”
“No, not that. You said you love her?”
Blinking away tears, I nod. “Well, maybe loved her. I don’t know. I did say it, and I think I meant it, but it’s been so long.”
“Liz, I’ve never heard you say that about anyone else, not the way you just did. Not romantically. You’re still in love with her, aren’t you?”
I nod again. I feel like such an idiot. She pulls me into another hug, and I give in, letting my tears soak her shirt. “I think I am.”
“Oh, honey, it’s okay.” She squeezes me tighter, squishing the air out of my lungs. Okay, maybe this is why I called her. I guess I really needed a hug. The doorbell rings.
“Pizza’s here.” I try to pull away.
<
br /> “I’ll get it.” She leaves me on the couch trying to collect myself and stop the stupid waterworks while she pays. “The delivery driver was cute,” she observes, setting the box on the coffee table.
I eye her suspiciously. “Come to think of it, you didn’t tell me about your date. How did it go?”
She giggles. “Pretty badly. I just didn’t want to bug you since I knew you were dealing with enough, and it was more amusing than painful. He claimed he forgot his wallet, and he was just, in general, a complete ass. It wasn’t anything worth talking about.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I still wish I’d been there to help.”
She waves me off. “It’s fine. I really don’t mind. I just have the worst luck with men.”
“Well then, go see about getting that driver’s number.” We can hear the car start and drive off. “Or not.”
“I can call the restaurant and ask.”
“Yes, do that. It’s definitely a good idea.”
She shakes her head and quirks an eyebrow. “Come on, Liz. I’m not that desperate.”
“You’re desperate enough to try online dating.”
Her cheeks turn red. “There’s nothing wrong with online dating.”
“Of course not. Nothing at all. There’s no reason you’d be embarrassed about it.”
She takes a slow, playful swing at my cheek, but I duck. “You’re lucky you’re cute because you’re a total bitch. Does Abby know? Maybe I should give her a call and let her know that her girlfriend is picking on me.”
My own cheeks color as well. “Shut up and eat your pizza.” Maybe I need a night to relax with a friend. Hell, maybe Abby needs the same. I’ll let her be for tonight. She just better call me soon, or I’m going to hire a private eye or something. I’m not losing her again.
Chapter Six
Abigail
“I made it another week,” Robert announces to a round of gentle applause. “It’s not even difficult. I miss her too much to eat any human. I’d be more likely to eat myself rather than her if I had another chance.” His fist clenches against his thigh, ripping a hole in his leather pants that must have been custom-made to fit him, as big as he is. This is why I can’t do it. I won’t be like him. He meets my eyes. “I know I could’ve done better. I could resist it if I just had another try.”
The anthropophage from the previous week pats him on the back. I find myself clearing my throat as everyone turns. Holy shit. I guess I should share. “I’ve been really considering breaking one of our guidelines.”
“Which one?” Kara asks. Her pelt sits on the chair behind her, and half of the group has been eyeing her like meat. Maybe we should add that selkies need to wear their coats as another rule. “Is it the ‘no wearing clothes made of human skin’ rule? You would look amazing in a human-skin jacket.” Her eyes run down my body, and I cover myself with my arms.
I open my mouth to reply and pause. Is Kara flirting with me? She should’ve tried a week earlier. “No. A human girl that I haven’t talked to since I was turned—out of fear of hurting her—has been talking to me.” Does Kara look disappointed, or am I reading too much into it? There’s no way a selkie would have a crush on me. She’s hot. Liz only even likes me because of what I used to be. Not that Liz likes me. I’m jumping, like, four steps ahead. “I told her Monday morning what I am, and instead of freaking out, she started trying to see me in person. I haven’t talked to her since. I wanted to wait and let you guys talk me out of it. I’m beyond terrified, but I’ve really missed her.” I glance to where I would normally be charging my phone, but it’s not there. I left it at home to avoid the temptation. I even spent the day at Ashley’s to be sure.
Ben’s expression turns grave. His mouth puckers in. “It’s a rule for a reason, Abby.”
“It’s a soft rule. We only have one hard rule.”
“Don’t eat people,” we all say in the usual bored chant.
I stick my tongue out at Ben. It’s a bit impressive, if I do say so myself, as it sticks out a full two feet. Kara blushes. I guess there is one thing I have going for me. Go, lesbian wendigos.
Shaking his head, Ben stares at the ceiling as if to say, Lord, give me the strength to put up with these bitches. “It is. You’ve been clean for two years. I believe in you, and I think you could be around that temptation without giving in, but what kind of future could you have? Look at Robert. They were together for five years, and it still happened.” Okay, seriously, how did he keep it a secret for that long? “It’s just not safe.”
“She loves me.”
He blinks, his jaw hanging open as he stares. “How the hell are you already moving that fast? I thought you hadn’t decided to date yet.”
I show my fangs in what I am sure is an awkward smile. “We confessed our feelings for each other right before I changed. I was sure she’d have moved on by now, but I was wrong. I’m hurting her even more by keeping my distance. She even said how painful it was with me avoiding her for the last two days. Maybe it’s worth the risk. If I’m gonna hurt her either way, I’d rather be able to hold her in my arms.” Not in my mouth. She’s not food. Don’t picture it. Fuck, I still remember that dream so clearly.
“You’re starving, Abby,” he continues, catching the point he’d so quickly dropped. “Even more than most wendigoag.” I know it’s the proper plural, but I think wendigos comes out more naturally. “Maybe you could manage to be around her, but we’ve all heard your stomach growling.” Great. My hands fall to my belly. I didn’t know it was that loud. “If you’re going to be around her, you might need something to dull the cravings, and that would be going off your diet. I know you don’t want to do that.”
“Maybe if they were already dead,” I offer meekly.
“See? You’re already thinking about it. She’s a bad influence.”
“I’m always thinking about it! I’m so fucking hungry I can’t take my eyes off Kara, just like the rest of you, but I’m still not doing it, and I wouldn’t for Liz either. I know how to handle my cravings just fine, thank you.” I’m surprised to find I actually believe it. Can I really manage?
Kara blushes and looks around the room, her eyes finally leaving me to take in everyone salivating over her. She puts her pelt back on and the resulting grumpy seal glares at us. “Happy?”
“I’m fine.” My eyes are locked on Ben’s, predatory and hungry. I can be very intimidating. “I won’t eat her.”
The little goblin backs down. Maybe he’s wondering if I could digest him. I start to calm down. I scared him. I’m sick of scaring people. What if Liz makes that same face when she sees me? Who am I kidding? I know she will. She’s going to run away. So that’s all the danger there is. I don’t need to worry about a relationship. I just need to have the courage to face her and get my answer, then resist all of my instincts telling me to hunt her down as she flees. I can do that. I can handle those few seconds looking at her beautiful face. What if she doesn’t run, though?
“You’re right,” he finally says. “You’re one of the strongest women I’ve ever met. If you really think you can do it, then do. But call me if anything starts to happen, okay? Robert probably isn’t in a good place for that yet, so I’ll do it. Just call me if you think you’re going to eat her, and let me talk you down. Deal?”
I nod and extend my arm. Another advantage: I can shake people’s hands halfway across the room without getting up. See, being a wendigo isn’t literally the worst thing ever. “Deal.” Wait. Did I just say I’m going to see her? Holy shit.
* * *
James and Ashley pull me aside once the group ends, taking me toward a quiet corner by a few unpopular stalls. “You’re really going to do it?” Ashley all but squeals. “I’m so happy for you.”
James stares. “What? No.” He looks back to me. “Abigail, you know how bad an idea this is. Fuck, if I found a cute human and tried to date them, even though I know that I can feed without killing, I don’t know if I could do it. I would end up killing them jus
t because, in the moment, it never sounds like a bad idea. It’s what happened to Robert. Don’t let it happen to you. Please.”
“Well, I don’t eat by having sex.”
“Don’t you?”
I stare at him, cocking my head as I narrow my eyes. “What?”
“How would you have sex, then? I might not be an expert on lesbians, but I’m pretty sure those claws would skewer her.”
I glance at my hands. He has a point. “I do have a tongue.”
“Exactly.” His smirk is pissing me off. I wonder if I can eat an incubus. He smells vaguely like food. “You really think you could have a taste without eating her? I can’t. I start feeding a little, and I want to go all the way. What would stop you from deciding to take a bite when you’re down there? Maybe you’d just eat her thigh. ‘She has two legs, what’s the harm,’ you’ll think, and before you know it, you’ve eaten the woman you love. Tell me I’m wrong.”
I meet his eyes but find myself faltering, looking at the floor. What if he’s right? “We could just not have sex.”
“Is that fair to her?”
I heave my shoulders in a massive shrug. “I don’t fucking know, okay? But I need to find out. We’ve spent six years missing each other so much. I need to know if we could work.”
“Even if it costs her life?”
A guttural growl escapes from my throat unbidden. He takes a step back. “No, but it won’t. I can control myself. I’m not ripping you apart, am I?”
Another step back, his eyes widening as he stares. “Nice wendigo, it’s okay. I’m your friend, remember?”
“Exactly my point. She’s my friend too. If I can avoid eating you, I can manage just fine with her, even if I do end up having a taste.” I snarl. “I’ll hold myself back. I have two years of practice, and I can keep doing it. I can control myself.” I can. Right?
Ashley leaps at me, throwing her arms around me. I catch her. “I’m so proud of you. You can do this. You two are going to be the cutest couple. I can’t wait to meet her. I am going to get to, right? Maybe you could bring her to group.”
My Date with a Wendigo Page 6