“Do you regret it?” I asked.
Lashawnda scrunched her face in thought. “No, not at all. Stephan and I thought we were in love and we’d be together forever. We dated a bit after graduation, but it was too difficult to keep a long-distance relationship going.”
“Do you miss him? Would you want to be with him if y’all lived in the same place?” I asked, unable to keep the resentment from my voice. If distance was the only reason they weren’t together, then maybe she still had hopes for a reconciliation.
Lashawnda looked at me like I had just asked the most absurd question.
“No, Sean I wouldn’t. Like I said, it was young love. I have no idea what Stephan is like anymore. I think my parents still get a Christmas card from his parents every year. That’s the extent of our current level of communication.”
“Good.”
I dug into my food, satisfied I had no competition. Plus, I was starved. I had a big appetite and could consume about three times as much food as Lashawnda.
“Why did you stop yourself from having sex with me in the bathroom?” Lashawnda asked, once again breaking our silence.
I placed the fork down on the plate. I felt her eyes on me, yet I couldn’t return her gaze. Instead, I looked out into the sky.
“I’ve had way too much sex, Lashawnda,” I admitted, scanning the view of the city instead of risking a look at her, “You say you didn’t regret your first time because you felt like you were in love with your ex; even if it was puppy love. I didn’t have that experience. I had no feelings for the first girl I slept with. The only reason I remembered her name was because I used it every day when I had a question in the organic chemistry lab.”
I rubbed my hands over my face and let out a strangled breath. “I didn’t have a girlfriend in high school; so there was no one to fall in love with. I was too busy trying to get a scholarship to college to worry about girls. By the time women came into the picture, my view of what to expect from them had already been skewed. I never had a shortage of women paying me attention. After the first couple times with my lab instructor, I hooked up with one of her friends. Then it was someone from my class, then another, and another. Before you know it, I was just having sex with whoever offered it to me. I didn’t take time to get to know these women. I used their bodies to relieve all my stress from school. I never forced anyone and was always upfront with them that I wasn’t looking for anything more than a quick sexual satisfaction. All of them agreed to that, but there were a few who thought I would change my mind.”
I gave a self-deprecating laugh. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been called a heartless son of a bitch.”
I finally turned to face her. “Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not blaming anyone. I’m glad I realized what I was doing to myself and those women before it got even more out of hand than it already was. So you understand why I didn’t want to have sex with you? It’s not our time yet. I want things to be different. I want it to mean more than just a release of sexual frustration. Even if I have to continue masturbating every night to the sound of your voice until the moment is right; I’ll do it. I mean it, Lashawnda; this relationship means a lot to me. I know we’re not teenagers anymore, but you’re my first girlfriend. I don’t want to have any regrets.”
Lashawnda looked worried by my confession. I wondered if she noticed how worried I was waiting for her reaction.
“It’s hard for me to believe that the man I have come to know was a womanizer. Obviously, whatever it was going on with you a year ago was significant enough that you turned celibate. You are right; we don’t have to rush. We can take our time to build on what we’ve got going on now.”
“I’m looking forward to building something real with you, little lady,” I confessed.
“Do you really masturbate every night to the sound of my voice?” Lashawnda asked with a tiny smirk.
I looked at Lashawnda curiously before laughter erupted from my mouth at her statement. Of all the reactions I thought she might have to my confession that wasn’t one of them.
“Is that the only thing you heard?”
“No, it’s not. But it is very important to the way I feel about your admission of being a man whore,” she said, smiling at me.
“Okay, little lady. You gotta explain that one to me.”
“Answer the question first.”
“Okay, yes,” I replied tentatively. “At times I do have to find some release. I think about your voice; especially the sounds you make while we’re kissing.”
Lashawnda leaned back in her chair and folded her arms underneath her breasts.
“Okay, so here’s the deal. I’m glad you finally saw the light and changed your ways on your own without any type of negative catalyst. While you were talking, I was very worried about you backsliding. You are a very attractive man, Sean. We’ve both seen how women react to that face and body of yours. It would be very easy for you to find someone to relieve your sexual frustration.”
She leaned forward and took my right hand in hers, caressing my thumb.
“But, you don’t. You’d rather choose to enjoy the pleasures of your own hand and the sound of my voice. That’s very important to me. It makes me feel comforted to know you’re serious about us building something.” Lashawnda raised my hand to her lips and kissed my fingertips before dropping it back down on the table.
We started eating again in silence, both of us lost in our musings. I wasn’t sure what she was thinking. I made a silent promise to make our loving the best she ever had. I wanted no memories of Stephan to be associated with her and sex.
“So, tell me why you decided to go into neuroscience,” Lashawnda asked, waving her fork as she changed the subject.
“For the same reason you’re getting a degree in clinical psychology,” I answered.
“Sean, that’s not an answer to my question.”
“It is an answer. I believe in your dream. Anyway, that’s enough questions for now.” I pulled her plate closer to me. “Are you going to eat that?” I asked pointing at her omelet.
“Greedy,” Lashawnda said with a smile.
“Wrong hand by the way.”
“What?” she asked confused.
“You were stroking the wrong hand. My stroking hand is the left” I raised my hands in the air with a playful smile. “Ambidextrous.”
CHAPTER 15
LASHAWNDA
Dating Sean was everything I dreamed it would be. Honestly, it was beyond even my wildest dreams. We spent every free moment outside of work and binding obligations together. Sean’s presence had completely overshadowed the loneliness I felt over the past five years. He introduced me to things I would never have considered before meeting him and every moment together was a new adventure.
Three months in, and I found myself falling very hard for him. He would tell me every chance he got that he cared very deeply for me. I would return his sentiment. However, neither one of us had said ‘I love you’ yet. But, I knew my feelings had gone way past that of infatuation.
Don’t get me wrong. I still got giddy when Sean complimented me or kissed me senseless. Sometimes, I found myself waiting by the phone when I knew he would call. All in all, I was getting comfortable with our relationship and no longer feared I might wake up and find it was all a dream. He was always quick to remind me of my title. It was nice that the novelty hadn’t faded for him either.
The fantasy of Sean Colcord had nothing on the reality of me being his girlfriend.
I still had some fears when it came to our relationship. I was woman enough to admit I was bothered by other women boldly checking him out. Since he confessed about his past as a man whore, I found myself wondering if he would backslide. Not that he gave me a reason to, but no man was without flaws. I saw women who I thought were incredible and capable of keeping any man’s attention get cheated on. I was just me, nothing that special.
Would I be enough for him?
Sean’s attraction to me was a
pleasant ego booster. I wasn’t the woman that men flocked to, so having him drool over me made me a bit more confident. He would constantly compliment me and told me he’d do it every day until I believed it myself. His words of appreciation had built me up when society didn’t think we made a good fit. Each day I battled my insecurity, but I was determined to win for the sake of my relationship with Sean. He was worth it.
It was another random Saturday afternoon; Sean and I decided to get together for our first sleepover. Most nights we fell asleep on the phone and woke each other up. We were ready to push things a little further this weekend. Honestly, I was a raging ball of horniness and wanted to get to the good stuff. I respected Sean’s decision to wait until we became more emotionally intimate before we initiated a physical relationship.
I haven’t had any in a long time; I’m more than ready.
In the meantime, we planned to have our first sleepover at Sean’s place the weekend before he left on Monday morning to go to the conference. Sean had told me that he had never shared a bed with a woman before without sex being the ultimate goal. While I didn’t mind the idea of him getting to know me before he got to know my body, I was a woman and had needs just like anyone else. A man with a body like Sean’s was every woman’s fantasy. I appreciated his patience, but mine was beginning to run out.
The heavy make-out sessions could only do so much to soothe the ache I felt between my thighs. Sean had even refused to touch me there because he said he didn’t have that much self-control. I had plans to sleep in a barely-there negligee to see how much restraint he really had.
I was in the middle of packing my overnight bag when my phone rang. It was Crystal calling.
“Hey, Sis.”
“Hey, Lashawnda. What are you up to?”
“Getting some things together. I’m going to spend the night with Sean.”
“So, you and Mr. Green Eyes have been spending lots of time together.” Crystal asked eagerly.
“Yep, we have.” I flopped down on the couch. Fat Bastard walked over and rested against my side, allowing me to stroke his soft fur.
“Stop being so tight-lipped. This isn’t one of those women at your job you’re talking to,” Crystal scolded.
I sighed and turned over on my back, causing my ring to snap FB’s fur. The little monster took a swipe at me. Thankfully his claws had been trimmed, or else he could have done some serious damage.
“Fat bastard,” I barked with a bit of ferocity. His mass seemed to be growing even though I had become even more restrictive with his diet. I was gonna talk to Momma about what she was feeding him.
“What was that?” Crystal asked.
“Nothing…just the little diva acting up,” I replied. With a snarl, he swished his tail at me and left the room. “Crystal, I'm not secretive or anything like that. Sean and I are doing well. Nothing is bad. I don’t have anything to complain about.”
“I get that, but you’re not acting like the girl who came to lunch that day completely losing her mind because you hadn’t seen him in two days. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you need to be jumping up and down and running in the streets naked, but dang, girl; show some more excitement than this,” Crystal said encouragingly.
“What? Crystal I am very excited. You of all people should know that.”
“Well you sure don’t act like it,” she replied.
“You really think it would be a good idea for me to run down the street screaming ‘I got a man, I got a man’.” We both laughed at the picture I painted.
“See now that would make me believe you. Can you imagine the look on Daddy’s face?” Crystal asked, laughing loudly. She deepened her voice to mimic our father’s tone. “Is that my Lucky? Lawd, Elizabeth come and look at my baby girl; she done lost her mind.”
I was rolling on the couch. “Knowing Daddy, he’d probably blame it on Momma. Probably say I went crazy cause she never wanted to spank us when we were little.”
“Please!” Crystal protested. “I got lots of spankings. You were the one that didn’t get them. Momma always said she felt awful about your bad luck and that something bad would happen to you to teach you a lesson when you did something bad.”
“Do you remember the time I left the curling iron on and ran over to Megan’s house? It burned the armrest on momma’s love seat that Grandma Lilith gave her.”
“Yes, I do, missy. Because while you were across the street playing house; I was at home getting my butt tore up. I tried telling Momma it wasn’t me, but she wouldn’t listen to a word I said. And then she spanked me for lying.” She sounded angry, as if she was reliving that day all over again.
“Oh, Crystal. I’m so sorry,” I replied through fits of laughter. It was decades later, and Crystal was still mad like it happened just yesterday.
“Whatever. Don’t think I forgot,” Crystal said with a pout.
“Girl, don’t act like that. I confessed when I got home.”
“Yes, but did you get your behind whipped? No.”
“Nah, I didn’t. But Momma scared the crap out of me. She told me ‘Jesus got your number, little girl, and he will be calling the next time you get out of line.’ That was worse than a spanking,” I said reminiscing.
“I can never forget the look on your face. You were really scared. But, like a week later you sprained your wrist when you fell at the skating rink. I almost peed my pants when Daddy asked you what happened and you said, ‘I got a call from Jesus’.”
I stared at the ceiling thinking about how much joy I had growing up. My parents were very loving and would often spoil Crystal and me. But, we still had rules to follow. There was lots of fun to be had but lots of lessons to be learned as well.
“I remember when you used to sneak out of the house all the time in high school. I had your back; so, don’t forget it.” I reminded Crystal.
“Yeah, you did. Thinking back, I can’t tell you what possessed me to do something like that.” Crystal pondered. I could hear the regret in her voice.
“You think Momma and Daddy knew?” Crystal asked.
“I have a feeling they did. Momma pulled me into her room one Saturday morning and told me if I play with fire I will get burned,” Crystal sighed. "I’m sitting here watching a group of children that live in my complex playing around outside. Do you think our kids will be as mischievous as us?”
I hadn’t thought about children in years. It had been so long since I dated that I had put the thought out of my head. I knew I was young, and at twenty-five anything was possible. However, with no potential father anywhere in sight, having children never crossed my mind. I was too busy thinking about getting a man first. Now, that I had one, I didn’t want to spend time harping on what could be and end up missing out on the here and now. Although, a handsome little boy with Sean’s smile didn’t sound like a bad idea.
“Are you trying to tell me something?” I asked. Although I wasn’t in the position to start a family soon, I couldn’t forget my sister was still married.
“No way! I am not pregnant, and I will not be pregnant anytime soon. I do my utmost to prevent that from happening. Besides, do you see the state of my marriage? Like you said before, bringing a child into the mix would complicate things.”
“So, tell me what’s going on with you and Brian. It’s been a few weeks since you guys decided to start fresh,” I asked.
“I don’t know, Sissy,” Crystal replied in a baby-like whine. “I just don’t know what to think. Sometimes, I find myself really liking him and enjoying our time spent together. Other times, I’m just bored out of my mind. I feel like I’m giving myself a pep talk every day about reasons why we should be together. It shouldn’t be like this should it?”
I could hear the change in my little sister’s voice. I was starting to feel guilty for devoting so much time to Sean and not checking in on my family like I normally would.
“I don’t think you should feel like you have to force yourself to be with someone. What about B
rian? Does he seem like he’s happy with everything? You get any vibes from him?”
“I can’t tell if it’s my feelings that are clouding my perception, but I feel like he’s forcing it too. I want this to work. Look at me—I’m twenty-four and on my second marriage. I don’t want to be that girl who’s been divorced twice Lashawnda.”
“I know sis, but would you rather be the woman that’s in an unhappy marriage?” I asked.
“No, I don’t. I keep wondering if Brian regrets getting married. Then I’m thinking that he’s just humoring me by sticking around. Is something wrong with me? Two marriages sis? I’ve been married twice, and it feels like I’ve been dating.
“What do you mean?” I asked confused.
“I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like I’m dating Brian. It felt that way with Javon too. It sounds silly, but when I look at Mom and Dad, I can tell they are married. There is a connection, an aura that surrounds their relationship. I don’t get that feeling about my relationship. Am I making any sense?” Crystal finally asked.
I sat up straight on the couch and folded my legs underneath me, taking a few moments before answering.
“Crystal, I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I have the feeling you kinda want me to. I do understand how you feel. I want what our parents have too. I want a man to look at me like Daddy looks at Momma when he thinks nobody is paying attention. I asked Momma once how she knew Daddy was the right one for her. She told me when they first met, she felt like there was something different about him; something that separated him from all the other guys that asked her out. As time went by, she fell in love with everything about him; even the bad stuff, because it’s all part of his package. The question you need to ask yourself is if you love Brian.”
“It’s not that simple, Lashawnda. Of course, I care about him.”
“You do realize you just used the word care and not love,” I asked, pointing out her word choice.
“Of course I love him. I wouldn’t have married him if I didn’t,” she retorted.
The line became quiet, and I thought Crystal had hung up the phone. The sound of children yelling in the background was the only indication she was still there. I took the time to think about my feelings for Sean. Did I love him already? Could I marry him? What sort of feelings did he have for me?
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