“Don’t lie,” Porter growled.
Cora looked from Porter to Master Kyler, and her thoughts swam. What would happen if she admitted the truth? Would it make things better with Aidan? Would it fix everything or only make it worse?
How much worse can it possibly get?
Through all her runaway thoughts, one truth stood out. These were not the Doms she needed to explain her personal torment to. Everything she’d said to them had been the truth—she didn’t feel safe in Club Sin, but … she wasn’t explaining herself right, they were missing the context of it all. “With you I feel safe,” she said to Master Kyler.
When he leaned away, the tension in the corners of his eyes faded. “What makes you feel unsafe, then?”
Uncontrollable tears slid down her cheek. Yes, she owed honesty, and believed it would save her. Everyone knew she loved Aidan, she never doubted that. But no one knew what she’d done for him—how she hid her feelings to protect him. Nobody knew the why she had never told him. “I need more time before I talk about it.”
Master Kyler knelt down in front of her and took her hand. “You need to talk about whatever you’ve been ignoring. The things you’re saying … the way you broke tonight …” He hesitated, his gaze softening. “You’re struggling, Cora. Let us help you.”
“Yes, I’m realizing that now.” She heaved a sigh, wiping away another tear. “But I can’t talk to either of you.”
“Why?” they both asked in unison.
With the soft instrumental music around her, she glanced between them. Two incredible men that she’d put into the male-best-friend category, men who would always be there for her and that she depended on. “Because it doesn’t involve either of you.”
Porter took her other hand. “You don’t run from a problem, you chew on it until it’s no longer a problem. You don’t fear the impossible, you go after it. Enough is enough already. You can’t keep living like this.”
No, she couldn’t, even she knew that. For too long she’d hid her feelings to protect Aidan. Also, not to lose him, and she had lost him anyway. She hadn’t even talked to Presley or Kenzie about what she felt and why she hurt.
She’d always shielded Aidan in hopes that one day he’d see her waiting in front of him. Though some people would think she was crazy, she understood his pain. She sympathized with his need for more time to recover from Lily.
Hell, she was paid to understand those dark emotions.
Now she’d reached that fork in the road when she had to make a decision. Forget about feelings that could—and did—weaken her, or face a hard truth that would require all of her strength.
She couldn’t give Aidan more time. Either he needed to face his demons or she had to move on. She’d always told herself if it ever got rocky between them or she thought he wasn’t treating her right, she would walk away.
That day had come.
This couldn’t continue.
Porter squeezed her hand tight. “You have a choice: Continue acting this way or don’t. It’s that simple, Cora.”
Kyler jerked his chin in agreement.
Cora stayed silent, still unsure how to answer. It all seemed so simple, didn’t it?
Only problem?
It wasn’t simple at all.
With what she had to face, she knew the three things ingrained into her as a submissive would be destroyed—safe, sane, and consensual. What she had to do wasn’t safe for her. What she had to talk about wouldn’t be consensual. And as far as she was concerned, walking into all of that definitely wasn’t sane.
Chapter Twenty
The next Monday, outside of the Regional Justice Center, Aidan lowered his briefcase and suit jacket onto the ground. He hadn’t gone to Club Sin Saturday night, and after a telephone call from Kyler he’d learned neither had Cora. She’d had a girls’ night in with Kenzie and Presley.
That gave him peace. At least she wasn’t alone.
The sun beat down on him and sweat beaded his forehead as he sat down on the large stone stairs. He leaned his head back and embraced the outdoors, instead of the confines of a courtroom. He stretched his neck and noticed the ache of his body. Muscles he didn’t know existed were sore from the long workouts to ease his troubles with Cora.
Her rejection of his touch had made the passing days utter hell. His nights had seemed longer. Through those long hours, he had examined every event and considered each moment. Still, he had no understanding of what he’d done to break her trust. Nor did he understand why he felt so lost without her.
Was it his Dom pride?
Or was her pain just fucking with his mind?
Cora had always been such a ball of sunshine, and watching her struggle in their last scene had marked the worst day of life. His mood had been less than pleasant. His thoughts even more jumbled. He could not make sense of her actions, not a single one.
Aidan sighed. He was damn tired of running in circles.
“No wonder you get paid so much money, you work hard.”
At the tight feminine voice, Aidan lowered his chin. “The same could be said about you.”
The prosecutor he’d been up against today, Samantha, leaned against the palm tree at the bottom of the steps. Her red painted lips curved. “Touché.”
In her early forties, Samantha was prim, proper, a little stuffy, and also very vanilla. Aidan always noticed submissives had a look of yearning that never went away. Samantha had a gaze full of focus and determination. A hard look that suggested, Fuck with me and I will destroy you.
Aidan didn’t doubt she could.
Samantha placed her briefcase down. She ran her hand over her brown hair held tight in a bun. “Guess I should congratulate you on your win.”
Aidan might’ve been proud. That is, if he hadn’t known Samantha had all but thrown the case. “It worked out as it should.”
“I suppose it did,” was Samantha’s dry reply.
While Aidan’s client had committed theft by stealing jewelry from the wealthy woman she worked for, his client had been trying to support the two children her dipshit husband had left her with. Aidan thought sending his client to jail and putting her kids in foster care wasn’t a suitable punishment.
The judge agreed, and considering the case was all circumstantial, he’d dropped the charges. While Aidan didn’t doubt his client’s guilt, he also believed her reasons for doing it came from a good place.
Samantha regarded him with a long look. “It was a weak case.” The hint of a smile on her face twinkled in her brown eyes behind her designer glasses. “I did my best with what I had.”
“Of course,” Aidan replied.
His lips parted to thank her for not doing her job when the beep of his cell phone interrupted his thoughts. He reached for his phone in his briefcase. Once he saw the screen, he noticed it was from Cora. His sore muscles tightened within a single breath. He looked to Samantha. “I better take this.”
Samantha winked. “Next time I won’t let you win so easily.”
Aidan inclined his head, welcoming the challenge. He’d known through the entire case that Samantha wasn’t gunning for his client. He believed—with total certainty—if she wanted to get his client convicted, she would’ve.
He watched Samantha hurry down the street as another bead of sweat dripped down the side of his face. He swiped it away before he turned his focus onto Cora’s message.
We need to talk. Meet me at Palm Northwest Cemetery.
He frowned at his phone. While his chest lightened at her text, the place she wanted him to meet raced his heart. Without pause, he typed, I’ll be there in twenty minutes.
After he grabbed his blazer and briefcase, he jogged to his black Audi in the parking lot. Within two minutes, he was in the car. Within another two minutes, he was on the road. And within twenty minutes, he’d spotted the administration office and church at the cemetery.
A sour taste filled his mouth as he drove down the road, leading him into the cemetery gardens made up o
f ponds, angelic statues, and fresh flowers. As he headed along the paved road, approaching the old shade tree, he noticed Cora sitting in the private garden with the iron gate.
There was a heaviness in his chest as he pulled off to the side of the road, regarding her from a distance. Why had she come here, and why had she picked that place to sit? Chills made him shiver and his fingers became cold. It’d been a long time since he’d come to the cemetery.
The reminder of why was not something he wanted to revisit.
He exited the car and approached her, forcing air from his lungs. She sat on the grass near the tombstone. Her arms were wrapped around her legs and her chin rested on her knee. When he entered through the open gate, Cora looked to him. His chest ached under her troubled stare, and he grabbed the gate for support.
She wasn’t hiding her pain.
Her soul was bared.
While a wrinkle marred her forehead, her gaze remained undeniably gentle. A far different look than any he’d seen lately. Usually, she smirked with attitude or glared in irritation. He preferred those looks on her. The damaged soul exuding from her features shattered him all the same.
He released the gate, sat down on the cement bench, and stretched out his fingers. “You’re ready to talk?”
She dropped her head, sighing dejectedly. “I don’t think I have a choice anymore.”
Aidan agreed. The only thing that would save her now was getting whatever plagued her out in the open, so she could deal with it. Though it relieved him to know that soon the air would be clear, her puffy eyes made it impossible to imagine a positive outcome to this conversation. The place she had requested to meet him brought on a wave of nausea.
He refused to look at the tombstone. “Why did you come here?”
Cora regarded him before she glanced to the tombstone. “I brought you here to tell you that your plan backfired.”
He processed, still at a loss. “Cora, I don’t understand.”
“I agree about being at an impasse.” She stared at the grave, avoiding his gaze. “Something has to change, and I realize that now.” Turning to him, her voice softened. “I know you thought that spending time together would make me feel closer to you. And you were right. That’s exactly what it did.”
Aidan noticed the dark circles under her eyes and her pale complexion. Apparently, he wasn’t the only one who’d had a rough time these past days. Weakness overtook his muscles and dullness stormed into his chest at what she said, since she hadn’t smiled with those words.
She paused, her puffy, red eyes searching his. “We can’t ever go back. Now everything is different.” She pushed off the ground and came to kneel before him. “You want to know what my problem is.”
“Yes, I do,” he asked, regardless that her measured look tightened his fingers around the stone bench.
She pointed to the tombstone. “It’s Lily. It’s a ghost that’s haunting you. It’s not me that’s the problem, Aidan.” Tears welled in her eyes, and she whispered, “It’s you.”
Speechless, he stared at her, and his heart nearly exploded from his chest.
“When I came to Club Sin I was so happy and excited to be there. Then I met you and you trained me.” She heaved a long sigh, placing her hands on her knees. “At first, I was so focused on pleasing you and learning your rules, I didn’t even know it happened.”
He swallowed deeply, forcing his voice out of his dry throat. “What happened?”
“I fell in love with you,” she said with a shaky voice.
His mouth parted to say something, but he found himself without words. You’re in love with me? Why had she not told him that before? Cora had never shown a deep and passionate love for him. They were friends. Although she cried when you made love to her …
Caught up in his thoughts, he watched another tear escape her eye before she brushed it away. “I knew you weren’t ready for a relationship. I guess I accepted that. I kept stuffing down how I felt, so that I could be there for you.” She gulped, clearing more tears off her face. “I cared about you so much that I wanted to make you feel better and not be so sad. So I turned into what you needed me to be.”
Aidan blinked, thinking back to that time of his life. He wouldn’t have noticed she had feelings for him or that she had changed. Christ, he hadn’t noticed anything except his own pain. “Cora—”
She raised her hand. “Please let me finish.” She hesitated and he stayed silent, so she added, “Part of the problem is that you’ve always been good to me, a perfect Dom and an amazing friend. A Dom any submissive would love to have, and that used to be enough.”
When more tears rushed down her cheek too fast for her to brush away, Aidan gripped the bench tighter. His fingers twitched to wipe her tears away, but he couldn’t begin to accept that this is what had been wrong with her.
No, he didn’t want to deal with what that meant.
She continued after a long sigh, “Through all this, I forgot the hope I once had that you’d love me back. I want the Aidan I went camping with, not the Dom who touches me out of duty alone.” She held his stare, her gaze drowning in sadness. “Now that I’ve experienced the real you, I can’t have you any other way. I don’t know if that makes me selfish or if it’s wishful dreaming, but I can’t keep doing what we’re doing.”
He unclenched his fingers, resting his forearms on his knees and breathing past his knotting stomach. Never had he dreamed she sensed a difference between him in the dungeon and out of it. Nor did he want to believe that her tears on their camping trip weren’t about a problem. She had cried because he had cared for her, not out of duty but out of want. His vision blurred. “What are we doing?”
“Loving each other, but pretending we’re not. Living this act that what we feel isn’t happening or that it doesn’t matter.” She leaned up on her knees, and her mascara ran down her face. “It matters to me, Aidan.” Pressing her hand against his chest, she added, “This, in here, matters. And now that I’ve seen all of you and seen the man who isn’t shielded by his pain, I can’t take anything less.”
Say something …
He knew he needed to talk to her about this, but his mind failed him. All his Dom instincts flared to protect her, but, damn it all to hell, he’d been the one hurting her. He had kept himself at a distance, and there were good reasons for that.
Reasons he didn’t want to face.
She’d portrayed happiness in their D/s relationship. He had no idea she recognized his pain but submitted to him as a way of easing it. Fuck, she had taken care of him, and he hadn’t seen it.
“When you touched me the other night in the dungeon, it felt all wrong.” Her nose scrunched. “It was fake.” Tears flooded her splotchy face. “When we were camping, how you touched me then, I wanted that, Aidan. I need that.”
Staring at her, he didn’t see her beauty; he saw only her loving soul. How had he not known she had taken care of him these past two years? What kind of Dom was he that a submissive had buried her feelings?
She wiped her tears, and her long exhale sounded rich with exhaustion. “The saddest part in it all is I cared enough for you, I sacrificed my happiness for any little piece of you I could get. I didn’t look for another boyfriend because I waited for you. I was so desperate for you that I became okay with only getting half.”
“Cora,” he managed.
Her voice shook. “I understand, Aidan, I do. You loved once and you lost her. But I’m tired of being jealous of a ghost. Of wishing I was her, or that I was what she had been so I could make you happy.”
You don’t need to be Lily …
Before he could say as much, Cora inhaled a harsh breath. “I’m tired of waiting for you and hurting.” She hesitated. “I thought I could heal you through love. I thought that would be enough …” Wiping the moisture off her face, she added, “But it didn’t, did it? Our relationship never changed. All that changed was me.”
Aidan stretched his fingers, crippled by what she’d told him, e
ven horrified by it. Cora saw right into his pain. Hadn’t he shed those demons? She exhaled slowly and glanced to her fiddling hands. “The first year we played together, I kept hoping and wishing you’d come around and see the connection between us. Then I realized you weren’t ready, so I shut down and kept everything casual, feeling nothing. I forced myself to ignore parts of me. Now that I faced those parts, I can’t go through that again.” She pinched her eyes shut, shaking her head. “I won’t.”
When her eyes opened, mascara surrounded them. “I need for your touch to have meaning. I need to be with a Dom who wants that, too. I can’t wait for you any longer, Aidan.”
At the longing in her expression, he reached for her. “Please, Cora, come closer.”
His fingers wrapped around her trembling arm and she pushed off her knees, stepping back. “You asked me to be honest.” She lifted her chin, and her features firmed, erasing all traces of vulnerability. “You asked me to tell you what’s going on. Now it’s your turn. Do you have nothing to say?”
The warm sun above overheated his body. He couldn’t think straight, emotions clouding his mind. What she had told him made him spin. Two years they had played together. Two years she had apparently loved him. She had neither said anything nor done anything about it.
She’d shut down, she’d changed, she’d hurt … all for him. How to even process that? He’d thought she had a problem. He couldn’t accept what she’d done for him. Christ, what had he done to her?
“See.” Her eyes widened, showing the whites. “If you hadn’t gotten all nosy, things wouldn’t have changed. Now everything is different and we can’t ever go back.”
“Cora.” Again, he reached out to her. “Please …”
She recoiled and snapped, “Don’t touch me. Your touches are lies.” Her skin molted, her voice cracking on a sob. “I can’t stand it any longer.”
Aidan pushed off the bench, taking a step forward. He craved holding her, making them both feel better. His scalp prickled as he tried to find the right words to soothe her. His mind betrayed him. “Please, come here—”
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