Teddy Ferrara

  DREW: Well get some more quotes from people he went to high school with—we have a lot from girls, see if there are any guys you can get quotes from.

  NICKY: Okay.

  (Pause.)

  How are you doing post-breakup?

  DREW: Fine.

  NICKY: Gabe hasn’t been in touch?

  DREW: No—which is fine with me, I’m the one who ended it . . .

  NICKY: Yeah . . . I hooked up with the hottest guy last night.

  DREW: You did?

  NICKY: After the vigil. He blew me in the parking lot. In between two cars.

  DREW: Hot.

  NICKY: It was such a good blowjob. Then he just got in his car and drove away.

  DREW: You didn’t reciprocate?

  NICKY: Nah—wasn’t in the mood.

  DREW: Glad you got some action.

  NICKY: Yeah . . . —Probably going out tonight if you want to come.

  DREW: I don’t go to gay bars. You know that.

  NICKY: Just asking. All right.

  (Nicky starts to go.)

  DREW: Oh—I know I assigned you the candidates forum story—but I think I’m gonna take that myself, so you can just focus on the Teddy stuff.

  NICKY: But—it won’t take me that long to get a few—

  DREW: I really want to do it.

  NICKY: But . . . your ex-boyfriend is one of the candidates.

  DREW: We dated for a week.

  NICKY: Right . . .

  (Pause.)

  DREW: That’s it—you can go.

  4.4

  TIM: “Part of what leadership is about is not just what you do, but the spirit with which you do it. I pledge to do my part to increase a spirit of friendliness on campus. If we are all a little nicer to one another, even just once or twice a day, we will see huge changes—”

  JENNY: I think that part needs a little work.

  TIM: Well—before when I talked about compassion and empathy you said I was too dramatic—

  JENNY: But now it sounds like you’re saying if everyone had been “a little nicer,” Teddy—

  TIM: —might not have killed himself—yeah.

  JENNY: Sounds a little condescending. Don’t be too dramatic, but don’t underplay it either.

  (Tim checks his phone.)

  What?

  TIM: Just—I don’t understand why Gabe is not calling me back—

  JENNY: I told you, he’s probably just busy with Drew drama—

  TIM: We talk every day—he has to be mad at me about something.

  JENNY: You keep saying that—

  TIM: If your best friend didn’t call you for four days—

  JENNY: But it’s not like he’s your boyfriend—

  TIM: What do you mean?

  JENNY: He doesn’t have to call you back right away. He’s a friend.

  TIM: Not right away but . . .

  JENNY: He’s probably busy! Getting ready for tomorrow—

  TIM: Too busy to text me and say sorry I haven’t called?

  JENNY: You are being such a girl!

  TIM: Don’t be mean.

  JENNY: I’m not, I just don’t understand why you’re analyzing it so much!

  TIM: We’ve talked or texted or emailed every day since freshman year—

  JENNY: Well maybe it’s time to grow out of that.

  (Pause.)

  What?

  TIM: You’re being really hurtful.

  JENNY: Are you sure you’re not in love with him?

  TIM: Fuck you—

  JENNY: I’m joking—

  (Tim goes.)

  4.5

  GABE (Coming over with shots): So anyone cruise you while I was at the bar?

  JAY: Ummmm no.

  GABE: Kinda slow night. But let’s look around, there’s gotta be someone here—

  JAY: I think it must be that I smell or something.

  GABE: You don’t smell—

  JAY: Just kidding.

  GABE: Right— . . . —What about online? Have you tried to meet guys that way?

  JAY: Most of the disabled guys out there seem to want able-bodied guys.

  GABE: Really? Well—maybe this isn’t at all what you want but—is it a fetish for some guys?

  JAY: A few . . . but I don’t want my body to be a metaphor for someone—like I’m “broken”—

  GABE: Of course . . . Yeah, I dunno. Not looking very promising tonight, is it?

  JAY: No . . .

  There is someone here I like . . .

  GABE: Oh yeah? Who?

  (Pause. Jay looks at Gabe. Gabe smiles and looks away. Nicky enters.)

  NICKY: Hey guys!

  GABE: Oh—hey!

  NICKY: What’s up?

  GABE: Just been—having shots, hanging out—

  NICKY: Let me buy you another round—

  GABE: Um—I don’t know how—are you—

  JAY: I’m up for another.

  GABE: I—guess we’ll have another round. We’ve been doing tequila shots so—

  NICKY: Be right back!

  (Nicky goes. Pause.)

  GABE: He’s sort of cute . . .

  JAY: I guess. Not really my type.

  GABE: Seeing him makes me think of Drew—which I’m trying not to do.

  JAY: You want to go someplace else? Maybe just sit outside somewhere? It’s so nice out.

  GABE: Um . . . I don’t know. —Probably better just to stay here for now.

  JAY: Right.

  I need to take a piss.

  GABE: Okay . . .

  (Jay goes off. Nicky reenters.)

  NICKY: Is he leaving?

  GABE: No, just going to the bathroom.

  NICKY: That bathroom is bad enough when you can get in and out super fast—in a wheelchair—

  GABE: I know. I don’t know why they let it get so gross.

  NICKY: Some guys are turned on by it.

  GABE: I never understood how guys could have sex in bathrooms. Even “clean” ones—

  NICKY: It’s so gross. So—are you free?

  GABE: Free?

  NICKY: I mean, are you hanging with him all night or are you free to go as you please? It’s gorgeous out—I thought you might like to take a walk.

  GABE: A walk—that sounds very appealing . . .

  NICKY: I mean it doesn’t have to just be a walk . . .

  GABE: Oh? We can run?

  NICKY: Work up a sweat at least . . .

  Not to be—I know it might be too early for you to—

  GABE: I—it is kind of a—

  NICKY: I really just wanna take a walk. Promise.

  GABE: I . . . have this candidates’ forum thing tomorrow—

  NICKY: Not till ten.

  GABE: Also, I feel bad just leaving my friend—

  NICKY: We can walk him home.

  GABE: Yeah? You wouldn’t mind?

  NICKY: Not at all.

  (Jay enters.)

  Your shot!

  JAY: Thank you, good sir—

  NICKY: Cheers, gentlemen!

  (They drink.)

  JAY: God—I need to take a bath in Purell after being in that bathroom.

  NICKY: Yeah, we were just saying we’re kind of over hanging out here.

  GABE: We were—thinking about getting some fresh air, walking—walking around—do you want to stay here, or—we can walk with you back to your dorm . . .

  JAY: Oh . . .

  GABE: It’s totally cool if you want to stay here—just thought if you weren’t feeling it then . . .

  JAY: Yeah—no, I think I’ll just hang out here for a bit.

  GABE: You sure?

  JAY: Yeah. I can get myself home no problem.

  GABE: Okay. So—

  NICKY: Shall we?

  GABE: Yeah—yeah. All right, so I’ll talk to you soon.

  JAY: Bye.

  4.6

  TIM: Hey, come in—

  DREW: Thanks for seeing me so last-minute—

  TIM: No problem—not doing anything except over-thinkin
g tomorrow, so—

  DREW: The more candidate interviews I do before the forum, the faster I can write the piece—

  TIM: Cool—so—not many places to sit—you can take the chair—I’ll sit on the bed I guess—

  DREW: Whenever I’m in a dorm I feel like I’ve been magically transported to North Korea.

  TIM: We can do it somewhere if that’s easier—

  DREW: Oh no, it’ll only take ten minutes or so—I’ll put my iPhone on your desk to record us—

  TIM: You’re lucky you got me, I was a couple stretches away from going out for a run—

  DREW: I can see that—okay—I won’t turn on the recorder yet so we can—ease into it.

  I feel a little—I know we both have Gabe in common . . .

  You probably know we broke—

  TIM: Yeah—is that—still—

  DREW: Yeah, it’s over I think.

  TIM: Sorry—

  DREW: Thanks. You guys are really close, right?

  TIM: Yeah—yeah we’re . . .

  DREW: Is it weird to be running against him? This is obviously off the—

  TIM: Yeah—no, I mean—competition is a good thing.

  DREW: Right, who has the bigger dick kind of thing—very male way of looking at it.

  TIM: Well not who has the bigger—so much as—competition brings out the best in people.

  DREW: Got it. —I was looking forward to meeting Jenny that night—sorry that didn’t happen.

  TIM: Well—she and I are fighting now so—who knows, we might breaking up, too—

  DREW: What are you fighting about?

  TIM: Honestly—I have no idea.

  DREW: I feel like all fights between guys and girls on some level are about sex.

  TIM: Really? How so?

  DREW: I think deep down girls just know that guys have higher sex drives. Which means they must constantly be thinking about it . . . and that makes girls, like, insecure.

  TIM: Huh.

  DREW: I mean guys get off in a totally different kind of way—it’s just like a physical release—whereas girls—

  TIM: Makes sense—

  DREW: Anyway—if I talk about sex it makes me want to have it so—I should get off the subject. Okay: let me get some background and then I’ll turn on the—I’ll tell you when I—

  TIM: Okay—

  DREW: So initially you weren’t going to run—what changed your mind?

  TIM: Just my love of serving.

  DREW: Right . . . Fuck.

  TIM: What?

  DREW: Too late. Now I want to have sex.

  I thought I stopped myself in time . . . You’re not hard, are you?

  TIM: Me? No—

  DREW: No, I was just curious. Sometimes talking about it . . . I am . . .

  (Pause.)

  I won’t tell anyone.

  TIM: Tell anyone—what?

  DREW: Oh—sorry. Just—seemed like you . . .

  I misunderstood. Sorry. I’ll just go—

  (Drew gets up, starts to go.)

  TIM: You don’t—I mean—you can’t—it won’t go away?

  DREW: Does it ever go away for you?

  TIM: Well . . . sometimes, yeah.

  DREW: Like—after you rub one out—

  TIM: No, like—I mean sometimes that but—if I think about something not sex-related . . .

  DREW: Yeah—that’s not gonna work for me. You’re a better man than I am.

  So . . .

  TIM: If you—need to go . . .

  DREW: I don’t have to.

  (Pause.)

  TIM: Shit.

  Now I’m—

  DREW: You’re hard?

  (Tim smiles. Drew goes over to him and touches him.)

  That’s so hot . . .

  4.7

  Gabe enters.

  JAY: Hey!

  GABE: Hi! I didn’t know you were gonna be here.

  JAY: I wouldn’t miss it!

  GABE: Thanks. —I’m so nervous about seeing Tim. I just texted him to say good luck . . .

  JAY: That was really big of you.

  GABE: How did your night end up?

  JAY: The usual . . . Do you want to get lunch after this?

  GABE: Um—I might be—Nicky and I might be grabbing a bite—

  JAY: Oh—

  GABE: He’s actually here—just in the bathroom—

  JAY: Wow. —Did you guys spend the night together?

  GABE: We—nothing happened, we just snuggled. I don’t know, we’ll see—

  JAY: That’s great—

  GABE: Yeah, I mean—it was just one—he told me some incredible stuff about Teddy Ferrara—

  (Nicky enters.)

  NICKY: Hey!

  GABE: Hey—just chatting with—

  JAY: Well I should get inside. Good luck.

  GABE: Thanks!

  (Jay wheels off.)

  Think he’s a little jealous that we . . . Anyway—I should probably—

  (Drew enters.)

  NICKY: Yeah, of course. I’ll be cheering for you.

  GABE: Thanks.

  (Nicky leans in, kisses Gabe. Gabe goes off. Nicky starts off.)

  DREW: Nicky.

  NICKY: Oh—hey—

  DREW: What are you doing here?

  NICKY: Oh—just—going in to watch—

  DREW: You’re watching the forum?

  NICKY: Gabe wanted me to come.

  DREW: How are you doing on those quotes?

  NICKY: I—have calls in—nobody’s called me back yet—

  DREW: Okay. Oh—wanted to tell you—someone published the webcam stuff about Teddy.

  NICKY: They did?

  DREW: Some hipster media blog. The story’s out there now so—no need for us to do it.

  NICKY: What—was the gist of the—

  DREW: I’ll send you the link. Has a kind of trashy feel. Reader feedback is really negative.

  (Tim enters.)

  So—just focus on getting those quotes so we can get the profile in tomorrow’s paper.

  NICKY: Okay.

  DREW: We need them ASAP—I’d get on the phone again now.

  NICKY: I’ll do it after the—

  DREW: Text him, he’ll understand—I really need that story.

  NICKY: They’ll call me back when they—

  DREW: I need the story now!

  (Pause. Nicky goes. Tim walks past Drew.)

  Hey Tim—

  (Tim ignores Drew and keeps walking off.)

  4.8

  TIM (Entering): Hey.

  GABE: Oh—hey.

  TIM: Do you know the story?

  GABE: I think the President is going to make remarks and then—

  I’m not sure the order but—

  TIM: Cool.

  (Pause.)

  GABE: Did you get my text?

  TIM: I did, yeah.

  I’m gonna go practice my—

  GABE: Okay . . .

  4.9

  PRESIDENT: . . . and it’s in that spirit that I’m here—the Provost is here—I see a lot of faculty—and all of you guys—this is a real example of what can happen at a university—people getting together from all different communities—and talking and listening to one another.

  Now after all the candidates for the different offices have given their five-minute statements—they’ll come onstage for a Q&A. I believe we’re starting with the candidates for President—our first—is that Gabe? I don’t have, no one gave me the order . . .

  (Gabe enters. President exits.)

  GABE (Over microphone): Thank you. I’m running for Student Assembly President because I want to make specific, concrete changes to university life. I’m not here to speak in platitudes or abstractions—

  JAQ’S VOICE (Through megaphone): No more silence, no more hate—time for us to demonstrate!

  GABE: Um—

  JAQ (Entering; through megaphone): No more silence, no more hate—time for us to demonstrate!

  (President enters, takes mike from Gabe.)
/>
  PRESIDENT: Now this is a good example of something you have a right to do—but is not right to—

  JAQ: Teddy Ferrara is dead! Say something about that!

  PRESIDENT: You know that we are all thinking deeply about what—

  JAQ: NO MORE SILENCE—NO MORE HATE—TIME FOR US TO DEMONSTRATE!

  PRESIDENT: You’re loud, but is anyone hearing you—ask yourself that—

  JAQ: Ask yourself to look in the mirror!

  PRESIDENT: I’ll put down the mike if you put down the megaphone—we can have a discussion later—

  JAQ: Later? Later? There is no later for Teddy Ferrara—

  PRESIDENT: This is a forum for candidates for Student Assembly to address the issues facing—

  JAQ: TO PAD THEIR RÉSUMÉS—TO SUCK UP TO POWER—

  PRESIDENT: You don’t have career ambitions? I just saw you on TV—

  GABE: I wouldn’t—

  JAQ (Joined by offstage voices): NO MORE SILENCE—NO MORE HATE—TIME FOR US TO—

  PRESIDENT: So this was a big thing, all planned out—

  JAQ (With voices): DEMONSTRATE! DEMONSTRATE! DEMONSTRATE! DEMONSTRATE—

  PRESIDENT (Reaching for megaphone): Can security—can we take that—do we not have a policy about—

  (He tries to grab the megaphone. Jaq resists.)

  GABE: I wouldn’t—just—

  PRESIDENT: This is a candidate’s forum—

  (President rips the megaphone from Jaq.)

  JAQ: My God, he’s assaulting me! He’s assaulting me, was that recorded—

  PRESIDENT: No, I’m trying to engage you in conversation, which is what you claim to want—

  JAQ: By grabbing me—we have that on film—

  PRESIDENT: Fine—you know what else you have? A canceled event—

  (President throws down the megaphone and exits. Jaq retrieves it.)

  JAQ: SPEAK FOR TEDDY! SHOUT FOR TEDDY! CRY FOR TEDDY! FIGHT FOR TEDDY! HIS VOICE IS OURS—OUR VOICE IS HIS! HIS VOICE IS OURS—OUR VOICE IS HIS!

  (Gabe exits.)

  4.10

  PRESIDENT: Did you see that?

  PROVOST: Security is coming.

  PRESIDENT: Why aren’t they here?

  PROVOST: There was one guy in the auditorium—he radioed—he wasn’t clear about the policy—

  PRESIDENT: These kids are fucking infants!

  PROVOST: I’d keep it down—I’m sure everyone has their phones out—

  PRESIDENT: I don’t care, let them record me—assault?!

  PROVOST: It didn’t look good when you tried to take the—

  PRESIDENT (Going): I don’t give a fuck—I just got elected to the Senate. Fuck this place.