“He’s not that kind of man,” Ella says. “You know that. His withdrawal and uncertainty is his PTSD speaking. I’m sure deep in his heart, he wants to commit to you and Bree, but with everything going on, maybe he’s scared.”
The door to my room opens, and Bree bursts in with my mother in tow.
“Mama, is Papa almost here?” Bree asks excitedly. She’s dressed in a red and green plaid dress with a velvet bodice and a giant golden bow. “I want to give him a big hug and kiss.”
“You look so pretty.” I straighten a ribbon in her hair. My lips tremble at how expectant she is with her heart on her sleeve, a little blond puppy wishing to be loved.
“I can’t wait for Christmas.” She shows me a picture she drew of Tyler putting a puppy under the Christmas tree.
“It’s only two days away.” I smile and pinch her cheek gently. What else can I say?
Even though Tyler’s told me about his Little Brownie, a half Afghan hound, half Kuchi puppy who kept him warm in the Hindu Kush mountains, we didn’t tell Bree, since he wants to surprise her.
“I want to be the first person to hug Papa.” She dances a storm around the hospital room. “Can I always hug Papa first?”
“Of course you may. Come here, give me a hug first.”
She crawls onto the bed and cuddles herself into my arms. “I wish you and Papa saw me be the cow who gave Baby Jesus her manger.”
“Nana showed me the video.” I smooth my hand over her back. “I wish I could have been there, too.”
“Will you be home for Christmas? Last year, you and Papa slept under the Christmas tree.” Bree giggles. “I bet you were kissing.”
My mood lightens. Bree’s a dynamo of energy, full of excitement and joy at the thought of Christmas. How I wish I could be young and innocent and believe in happy endings.
I tap her nose. “Maybe you’ll find someone else sleeping under the tree.”
She squeals and claps her hands. “Is it a puppy?”
“Is that what you asked Santa for?” I’m still trying to find out what she’d said that made the man playing Santa at the mall look so distressed.
Bree crosses her cute little arms. “Oh, no, I didn’t ask Santa for a puppy for me. That was for my baby brother. I asked Santa for something better.”
Uh oh. Whatever it is, she’s not getting it, since my mother was unable to find the same Santa the next time she went to the mall.
“Papa coming home is even better, don’t you think?” I remind her.
“Yay!” Bree jumps off the bed when she spies the door opening.
“Tyler!” I scream as loud as Bree when my hunk of an army guy steps through the door. I can’t help it. My heart flutters and my resolve softens, especially when he flicks a shy grin my direction.
He’s wearing his desert camouflage uniform with a floppy beret partially covering one eye, giving him a rakish appearance of a pirate. His dirty blond hair is longer and shaggier than when he left us, and he’s growing a beard.
What really ropes in my heart are his penetrating blue eyes—eyes so electric they fill me with energy and melt my insides to mush.
Bree flies into Tyler’s arms, and he picks her up, swinging her around and around. “How’s my beautiful girl?”
She wraps her arms around his neck and laughs. “I’m not your girl until you give Mama something special.”
“Oh yeah?” Tyler chuckles and winks at me. “Did your mother put you up to this?”
“Up to what?” My face heats and my pulse pounds. Is there something going on that I don’t know about? I glance at Ella, and she has a smile playing on her lips. Mama’s eyes widen and she clasps her hands, beaming with expectation.
My heartbeat quickens and every nerve tingles. Is he going to propose? What will I say? We have big issues we haven’t talked about. We can’t brush things under the rug, no matter how much holiday cheer there is. But I can’t ruin his homecoming, either, and the thought of getting a ring from him dispels my earlier doubts. Maybe he is ready to commit and form the family we should have.
Staring intently at me, Tyler sets Bree down and crosses to my bedside. He reaches for my hands and pulls them into his warm grip. Tears glisten in his eyes.
“Kelly.” His deep voice rumbles to the corners of my soul, making me yearn for more, too much more.
“Tyler.” My eyes overflow and my breath catches. My lips and tongue are numb, unable to speak as my heart thunders with a jumble of emotions.
He lowers his face to mine and his shoulders heave. “I’m so sorry. I should never have put you through this.”
“Oh, Tyler.” I grab him around his neck. “Don’t be sorry.”
I can barely talk through my tears, now flowing fast and furious. Every pent up feeling rushes in a torrent through my bloodstream. I love this man so much, but I have to let him be what he was meant to be, whether a warrior or an aid worker in a far away land. I can’t hold him back.
Tyler slides onto the bed next to me, and catches a tear with his rough thumb while I trace under his eyelids with my finger, wiping his tears as fast as they fall.
“Nana? Why are they crying?” Bree’s tiny voice pipes. “Are they happy or sad?”
“Come, let’s go to the gift shop,” my mother says to Bree. “They need some time alone.”
Chapter Twenty
~ Tyler ~
A strange, achy sensation swamped Tyler’s heart as he held Kelly in his arms. Nothing functioned. Not his mouth, his throat, his hands, and definitely not his eyes which were running with tears. He wanted to tell her how much he loved her, maybe even do the romantic thing and get on his knees. He’d pictured himself taking her hand and kissing it, or saying something smart and hearing her laughter.
But all he could do was hold onto her, let her sweet, lavender scent soothe him, stroke her long, silky hair, and feel the warmth and softness of her body calling to him, telling him he was home. Home.
“I’m sorry, Tyler,” she mumbled into his shoulder. “I’m the one who should be sorry. I was too busy with my work and Bree, and I wasn’t paying attention.”
It took him a moment, and he blinked, shaking his head. What was she talking about? He hadn’t even kissed her yet and she was already apologizing?
She swallowed deeply, as if whatever she was going to say next would hurt—hurt real bad. Did she finally realize how damaged he was? This ordeal he put her through was proof of how shattered life with him would be.
“Don’t, don’t do this.” He placed a finger on her lips. “Let me look at you. Let me touch you and hold you. Kiss you first.” Before you break my heart.
He cupped her face and moved in, touching a tear lingering at the corner of her eye. Her hair smelled clean and fresh, and her skin was smooth, warm, inviting.
She tilted her face and met him halfway, her sigh dissolving into his mouth. Her first kiss was tentative, like a kitty cat peering from behind a sofa cushion. He kissed her back, not greedy, but tender, taking only what she could give. His hand ran down the length of her arm and he took her hand, locking his fingers with hers.
“I can’t do this,” she muttered and backed away, swiping her free hand over her lips and smearing her lipstick.
The spear of rejection stabbed him between the ribs. “What can’t you do?”
His gaze lowered from her downcast eyes to the full, round belly hidden under the bright colors of her dazzling dress. He reached out and rested his hand over where his baby grew. Had Kelly decided she would be better off without him, even with a baby on the way?
“What can’t you do, Kelly?” he asked again, his hand firm over his son.
She covered his hand with hers and guided it lower where he felt a protruding kick. Amazement, wonder, and joy burst over Tyler.
“He’s kicking.”
“He’s been moving up a storm all morning.” Kelly’s gaze returned to him. Why did she look so sad?
“Think he knows his daddy’s home?”
; A half-smile warmed Kelly’s face. “It’s the adrenaline. He can feel what I feel.”
Larger movements tumbled under his hand. “Wow, he’s really going at it in there.”
“He’s changing position. His head’s down already, so that’s his back and butt you’re feeling.”
Somehow it was easier to sit and talk about the baby. Tyler wondered if this was how people coped, talking around the elephant in the room and focusing on the children.
“Will he be okay if he’s born now?”
“Yes, the doctors said his lungs are matured. We can’t keep him in any longer because an infection would be worse.” Kelly stroked his fingers and rubbed his hand.
Her every touch was a gift and something he didn’t want to relinquish. If only he wasn’t prone to ruining her life with his issues. He took a deep breath. Out on the battlefield it was always better to know the lay of the land ahead of time. Whatever she was planning to do would be better before the baby arrived. That way, he could prepare and toughen himself and be a better father to his precious children: Bree and the baby he’d already thought of as Arman.
“Kel, when you called me on Thanksgiving, were you going to break up with me?”
“Is that what you want?” Kelly’s indrawn breath shocked him.
“Me? No. But it’s not fair for you to have to deal with me and my problems. I’m never going to be normal, and all my issues will end up sucking the life out of you. You might grow to hate me one day. It’s okay if you want to get out now before we screw it up too badly. I’ll take full responsibility for this baby and also Bree, if you still want me to adopt her.”
Even though he hated having to admit this, it was better to let it all out and put the chips on the table. He loved Bree and Kelly. That would never change.
Kelly touched his cheek. “Do you still want her?”
“Of course I do. Did you find her real father?” He’d been afraid to bring this up in email or on the phone. He had to see her expression, feel her heart and pulse, hear every little sound of her response.
“I didn’t even look.” She folded her hands and stared at them.
“Then what’s wrong? I can feel it. You’re holding something against me.” And it hurts, so much.
“It’s not against you, Tyler. I’ve been unfair to you. I haven’t been supportive of you and gone to counseling with you. I haven’t been patient, and the worst of it, I forced all this on you. Fatherhood, me, Bree. I took advantage of you.”
Tyler grabbed Kelly’s wrist and placed her hand on his chest over his heart. “You didn’t take advantage of me.”
Her eyes challenged him, sharp, but still wet with tears. “I foisted Bree at you. I let Bree pounce herself on you and latch onto you. What could you do? You’re too kind to hurt her feelings, and then I didn’t listen to you—to your need to get away and to heal.”
How could she be so wrong? He’d been grateful to God that such a remarkable woman like Kelly would deign to not only look at him, but to date him and invite him into her life. Was she making excuses to let him leave?
He swallowed hard, but the lump in his throat only grew larger. He’d fought so hard to return.
“You didn’t force me into anything, Kelly. I was the one who dragged you down with my PTSD. I’m sorry for everything I put you through. I’m not the man who can give you the perfect life you and Bree deserve, but I’ll always be a father to Bree and the baby, and I’ll always support you.”
“See? I was right.” Her lips quivered and tears rolled fresh down her face. “You don’t want me for me. You’re only here because you’re good and loyal, and you always do the right thing. You couldn’t turn your back on Bree when she asked you to be her father, and now, we have this baby coming.”
He couldn’t catch his breath as a vise tightened his ribcage. She couldn’t be more wrong. He tilted her face toward him and caught her eye. “You’re the only reason I’m here. You don’t know how I felt walking miles and miles with my hands tied behind my back and a gun pointed at me. I wanted to rip those guys apart. Kick them and head butt them. I could have killed a few even with my hands tied, but then they’d overwhelm me and empty their machine guns into my face until all you’d see was a bloody, blasted stump.”
She winced at his words and her lips trembled as horror spread over her face. “You went through all that just for me?”
“Yes, you.” Tyler wrapped his arms around Kelly and clutched her tightly. “All I knew was I’d never see your face again if I didn’t cooperate. Before I met you, I would have rather died than be taken prisoner. There wouldn’t have been a need for rescue copters or special ops. I would have fought them until I was full of lead.”
“But, but the baby. I have the baby,” she blubbered, not making any sense.
“Yes, the baby. Of course I came back for him, but it’s you, Kelly. I need you, even if I eff up your life and turn it upside down. I want you like nothing or no one ever before. I came back to you. Only you. I love Bree and the baby, but gosh Kelly, you’re this incredible woman and you’re miles out of my league, and I want nothing more than to be your man and love you near or far, preferably near. Don’t give up on me.”
“I’m not giving up.” Kelly grabbed him around the neck and brought her face to his. “Oh, Tyler, I want you to be sure.”
He didn’t bother to answer. Joy and elation lifted his heart as he kissed her like his life depended on it. Because it did. Kelly was life. She was the one gift God had planned for him from the moment his father came home in a body bag and eight-year-old Tyler had lost his innocence and faith.
“I am sure,” he said when she broke the kiss, gasping with happiness shining on her face. “I’m very, very sure, and I won’t give up, either.”
~ Kelly ~
Tyler’s eyes have never been more blue and clear as he speaks those wonderful words from his heart. It’s taking a while, but it’s sinking in. He came back to me. He didn’t even ask about the baby until he’d kissed me first. It’s obvious he loves Bree, the way his face lit when he picked her up. The first words out of his mouth when we got a video connection after he was rescued was about Bree, how he’d gotten her a dog and he hoped she’d want it.
Oh boy, had that been a joyous conversation as I told him Bree was so confident he was coming back with a dog, and a brown one at that.
I have this silly smile on my face, and my lips tingle like they’ve been snacking on heavenly desserts, when Tyler slides down onto the hospital floor.
On. His. Knees.
Don’t get excited. Maybe his uniform’s bothering him. Too tight. But doesn’t his knee hurt? Wait, he got shot in the hip. I haven’t even asked to see it. Yikes, his nose is bent at an angle. What kind of girlfriend am I not to touch all his injuries?
I crane my neck, unable to keep from peeking at what he’s doing on the floor with his head bent forward.
He’s texting on his phone. Silly me.
I roll my eyes and slump back on my pillow. He’d only knelt to get his hand in his pocket. Just because he says all those words doesn’t mean he means them. He has to show me by staying dependable and going to counseling and not running off whenever he has an episode. He has to trust me to love him, and from what he just said, he wasn’t sure. He thought I was about to break up with him because I’d given up. Humpf.
“Kelly?” Tyler peers up at me where I’m sitting on my hospital bed. He takes my hand and presses his lips on them. “When I was out there, I thought a lot about our life together and the changes I’d make when I came home. So, when I ask you what’s in my heart, I want you to know that you don’t have to say ‘yes.’ I hope you won’t say ‘no’ until you give me a chance to prove myself to you.”
My pulse ratchets and every nerve in my body high fives each other, dancing and chanting, Oh yeah. Do it. Do it.
Wait. What am I? A silly romantic teenager? I mentally slap myself and wait for him to finish his speech.
My eyes are focused on
ly on Tyler, and he’s got me at the center of his world. His teeth pass briefly over his lower lip as he pops open a silk covered ring box. A teardrop shaped light blue diamond glitters on a band of white gold.
I clamp my hands over my quivering lips and blink back tears as a sob catches over my chest. “Tyler.”
“Will you marry me? Will you allow me to love and serve you for the rest of my life? Will you trust me with your heart and know that I’ll treat myself with the same love and care you’ll give me? After the New Year, I’m going to check into the Redwood Warriors Recon Center and go through their PTSD program. I want you at my side at the couples’ retreat and counseling sessions. I’ll do everything and anything to be healthy again so you and our children won’t suffer. I promise to be open and honest with you, and to let you know when I need space as well as when I crave attention. I want to be a family with you, Kelly, and even though we’ll never have a normal family, I’ll do whatever it takes to be worthy of you, Bree, and Baby Arman.”
My heart is overflowing with billows of love and joy. He’s not only promising his love to me, but he’s including Bree with our son. Looks like he’s named him already.
“Arman’s a beautiful name.” I press his fingers.
“It means hope. Beside God, you are my hope, Kelly.”
“Love is hope.” I intertwine my fingers with him and lean toward him.
This time, our kiss is more than a promise. It is warm and wondrous, sealing our love, full of trust that whatever happens, we can count on our combined love to see us through.
“Whoohoo!” Cheers arise from the doorway.
Tyler and I jerk apart as our family and Tyler’s military buddy, Sawyer, file in clapping and congratulating us.
“Papa!” Bree rushes into his arms. “We caught you kissing Mama again and Auntie Ella has it on video.”
“Then she can catch me kissing you.” He makes loud smacking noises as he kisses both her cheeks and her forehead. “How’s my best girl doing? Did you tell Santa what you want for Christmas?”
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