A Mother Within Her

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A Mother Within Her Page 6

by Lady Lissa


  I wanted to tell him to speak for his darn self. I mean, the child wasn’t even here yet and I had already missed at least five days of work. I couldn’t keep missing out on my work schedule because of this baby. I had shit to do, so that made no sense.

  “Well, I already took off today…” I said before Iman interjected.

  “Babe, if we need to take off another day to get the ultrasound done, we can do that,” Iman said. “You have like three weeks’ vacation time and you have some sick days.”

  Why the hell was he all into my work schedule and my business? I didn’t tell him what the hell he needed to do at his job. I felt very disrespected by him right now. He needed to stay in his damn lane and worry about himself. The fact that he was throwing my vacation time and sick days in my face to get his way was pissing me off. First, I was being forced to have this baby that I didn’t even want. Now, I had to accommodate my damn schedule for this baby that was still in the womb.

  “Well, I can ask if Doctor Leon can fit you in today, if that’ll accommodate you guys better,” Doctor Bells said.

  “Please do that,” I said.

  “Thank you, Doctor Bells,” Iman said.

  “Okay, if you will follow me, I will see if Bridgette can make the appointment for you,” Doctor Bells responded. We did just that, followed her to the front desk to get this shit straight. If they couldn’t make the ultrasound appointment for today, I didn’t know when I’d be able to get that done. I hated missing work and Iman knew that. “Bridgette, can you call Doctor Leon’s office and see if he can fit Takiyah in for today to get an ultrasound done?”

  “Yes doctor,” Bridgette said and immediately got on the phone. As Iman and I waited for her to get off the phone, I could feel his eyes on me. Whatever was bothering him, I was sure he would address it in the car. A few minutes later, Bridgette hung up the phone. “Doctor Leon said he could fit you in between his one and two o’clock appointments.”

  “So, what does that mean?” I asked.

  “That he will see you between one and two o’clock,” she said.

  “Well damn, does that mean at 1:15, 1:30, 1:45?” I asked.

  “Thank you,” Iman said.

  “You’re welcome. Also, here’s your appointment card for your next appointment. It’s for six weeks from now,” Bridgette said as she handed the card to me.

  The two of us walked out of the office and headed to the car. While we walked into the appointment hand in hand, we definitely didn’t walk out that way. I could tell by the way Iman was walking that he was a little upset. Oh well, I was a bit upset too. I been upset because of all the accommodations I had been making for a kid that wasn’t even here yet. That only let me know what the future held and it didn’t look bright.

  After we slid into the seats, he started the car. “What was that?” he asked once we got on the road.

  “What was what?”

  “That attitude back there? I mean, what’s wrong with you, Ki?” he asked.

  “Nothing is wrong with me. Why does something have to be wrong with me?” I asked.

  “I mean, all the doctor was trying to do was get us in for an ultrasound. What’s so hard about that?” he asked. “You have weeks of vacation time and some sick time. Why couldn’t you just let them make the appointment and take the time off?”

  “I’m tired of having to miss work for appointments!”

  “Hellooooooo! We’re having a baby, for Christ’s sake! Certain adjustments have to be made!” he said.

  “I feel that I’m making enough adjustments!”

  “Wooowwww! Did you really just say that?” he asked.

  “I’m sorry, Iman. I guess I’m just really nervous about this pregnancy,” I said. I didn’t want to fight with my husband. I loved him so much. It seemed like we had been arguing quite a bit lately and it was always about this baby. I wondered if we’d ever come to a crossroads where we could just love each other and get along the way we used to. “I don’t wanna argue with you.”

  “I don’t want to argue with you either, but it seems like that’s what we always end up doing. I just wish you would be as happy about this baby as I am. You are carrying a little symbol of our love. I just don’t get why you aren’t excited,” he said with a look of sadness on his face.

  I couldn’t be excited because that wasn’t how I felt. I had hoped that my feelings would pass as time went on, but they didn’t. I still didn’t want to have this baby. I tried telling this to my husband on several occasions, but he didn’t want to hear it. It seemed as if he was measuring my love for him with whether I had the baby or not.

  “I don’t know anything about being a mother, so I guess I’m just nervous. I had hoped these feelings would subside so that I could enjoy this pregnancy, but they haven’t. I don’t know why,” I said.

  “Do you think you need to see a therapist?” he asked.

  “A therapist? What for?”

  “So you could discuss your feelings.”

  “I thought that’s what I was doing with you. If I can’t talk to my husband, who can I talk to?” I asked.

  As he pulled into Doctor Leon’s parking lot, I looked at the time. It was almost 12:45. I hoped that since we were getting there early, we’d be seen early. I was hungry as hell.

  “You can always talk to me, babe. I just thought you might wanna talk to someone other than me, that’s all.”

  “If I wanted to do that, I have three sisters and a mother I can talk to.”

  “Point taken.”

  We got out of the car and walked into Doctor Leon’s office. I signed myself in and we took our seats. I prayed this wouldn’t take forever and a day. Finally, we were called to the back at 1:23. I couldn’t thank God enough. Now, all I needed this doctor to do was hurry up and get this ultrasound over with. I prayed that the baby was still healthy because as far along as I was, I couldn’t terminate the pregnancy. Since I couldn’t do that, I no longer wanted an octopus growing inside me.

  “Good afternoon Mr. and Mrs. Adams. It’s nice to see y’all again,” Doctor Leon greeted. The nurse had already showed us to a room and I was positioned on the table.

  “Hi doc,” Iman greeted the nice looking man with the salt and pepper hair and expensive looking eye glasses.

  “How are you two, well three, doing?” he asked as he gazed at me with a smile.

  “Fine,” I said. I wanted to tell him to skip the pleasantries and get the shit done, but didn’t want to argue with Iman later.

  “Okay, well let’s get this ultrasound done, so you can be on your way,” he said, as if he had read my mind.

  He poured the cool gel on my tummy and began to look at images on the screen as he moved the wand over me. “There’s your baby,” Doctor Leon said. He turned up the volume for us to hear the heartbeat. Once again, Iman looked every bit as dumbfounded as before. He reached for my hand and laced his fingers with mine. “Do you want to know the sex of the baby?”

  “You can tell us what we’re having?” Iman asked.

  “Yes, do you want to know?” the doctor repeated.

  “Babe?” Iman asked.

  “Huh?”

  “Do you want to know what we’re having?” Iman asked.

  “If you want to know, I guess.”

  He looked at Doctor Leon with all 32 of his teeth out. “YES!”

  “Well, you’re having a boy!” Doctor Leon said. He looked just as excited as Iman was, which I couldn’t understand. This wasn’t his baby.

  “Oh my God! We’re having a boy?!” Iman asked as he squeezed my hand tighter.

  “Yes, you can see right there,” Doctor Leon said as he showed Iman our baby’s little penis.

  “We’re having a boy! I’m gonna have a son!” Iman was so darn happy. He reached over and gave me a huge hug before pressing his juicy lips on mine. I faked a smile on my face as tears rolled down my cheeks. I didn’t even realize I was crying until Iman asked what was wrong. Doctor Leon reached for a tissue and handed it
to me. I dabbed at my cheeks and eyes, not wanting to smear my makeup.

  I couldn’t even speak to tell Iman what the problem was. I didn’t even know what the problem was. I just knew that I wasn’t happy about this pregnancy.

  “Well, let me print these images of your baby and then you can go,” Doctor Leon said. He handed the ultrasound pictures to my husband as he cleaned the gel from my belly. Once he was done, I hopped down off the table and rushed out the door. I didn’t stop until I had made my way outside. I took in the fresh air as if I was on the verge of passing out.

  I didn’t know what came over me, but I felt real lightheaded and almost dizzy. Iman came out a few minutes later as I was pacing back and forth as I tried to catch my breath. I leaned against the wall as I tried to steady my breathing.

  “Yo, what’s wrong with you? Why’d you leave like that?” he asked.

  “I just had to get out of there.”

  “But why?”

  “I don’t know why. I just had to,” I said.

  “I don’t understand what’s going on with you lately,” he said.

  We walked over to the car and got in. I could tell he was still upset, but I didn’t care at that moment. I wasn’t feeling well. He didn’t seem the least bit concerned about me at all.

  Once we were on the road, he started speaking. What he asked blew my mind. I wasn’t expecting that from my husband at all.

  “Is that my baby, Kiyah?” he asked. My heart plummeted to the bottom of my stomach. Where I was hungry a few minutes ago, I no longer felt the need to eat. How could he possibly think that I had cheated on him? We had a good, solid marriage. Where the hell did that question come from?

  Chapter ten

  Iman

  I didn’t want to believe that my wife had cheated on me, but nothing else about her actions made sense. She was always anxious and crying and didn’t seem the least bit happy that we were having this baby. We had just found out that we were having a little boy. How could she not be happy about that? Not only were we having a precious little boy, but he was healthy, despite the fact that she had been on the pill during the first three months of her pregnancy. If that wasn’t a blessing, I didn’t know what was.

  When she busted out of the doctor’s office, I was puzzled as fuck. I mean, what the hell did she leave for? The doctor was giving us ultrasound pictures of our baby boy. You would’ve thought she would’ve been happy to see our little one. He was bigger than the last pictures we received. His little legs were bigger, his arms were very visible, and he was just so healthy. I was super excited about our baby, but why wasn’t Takiyah?

  The shocked look on her face when I asked her if she was cheating on me had me confused. I didn’t know if she was shocked that I was on to her or that I asked. “WHAT?! You think I cheated on you?” she asked.

  “Well, why else wouldn’t you be happy about our baby?” I asked.

  “I can’t believe you’d even ask me that! I can’t believe you’d even think that!” she said as she broke into tears. That didn’t surprise me because she was always crying.

  “I just don’t understand your attitude! It’s been months and you still aren’t showing any signs of happiness about our baby! The only thing I could think of is that the baby must not be mine!” I said. I didn’t want to think like that, but what else could I think.

  “I’ve never cheated on you, Iman! Not once during our whole relationship or marriage did I ever cheat on you and I don’t deserve you coming at me like that!” she cried.

  “What else could it be, Kiyah? Married people were usually happy about a baby. I just feel like I’m the only one who can’t wait for our baby to be born.”

  “I love you, Iman. I don’t know why I’m not jumping for joy the way that you are about this baby, but I’ve never cheated on you. This is your baby!” she cried. I looked over at her because I knew if I looked into her eyes, I’d see the truth. I knew if she was lying to me, I’d be able to see it in her eyes. I didn’t think she was lying.

  “I wanna believe you, Kiyah…”

  “Then do it! I’ve never lied to you before and I certainly wouldn’t start doing it now!”

  The tears raining down her face let me know that she was truly hurt by my accusations. I wanted to take them back and apologize, but there was no way I could do that just yet. I truly believed that she was hiding something. I just wished I knew what it was.

  “Ki, you need to see someone,” I said.

  “See someone?” she asked, a quizzical, almost confused expression on her face.

  “Yea, like a therapist. If this baby is mine…”

  “IF? IF THIS BABY IS YOURS?! I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT HE IS YOURS!”

  “Okay. Well, I still think you need to see someone to help you deal with your feelings,” I said.

  “I don’t need anyone to help me with my feelings. I’m fine!” she said through clenched teeth.

  Something told me that she was anything but fine, but what could I do? I couldn’t force my wife to speak with someone about her feelings. She had to make that decision on her own. Whatever feelings she was having, she was going to have to deal with those herself. I just didn’t understand why she wouldn’t share those feelings with me. What was the problem between us that she felt she couldn’t come to me?

  “Okay, I’ll drop it for now. I can’t make you do something you don’t want to,” I said as I stared ahead. The conversation ceased as I pulled into the Olive Garden parking lot.

  “I don’t feel like eating out right now,” she said.

  “Neither do I. I’m going to pick up some food to go. Do you want anything in particular to eat?”

  “Whatever you bring is fine. I don’t even feel like eating right now.”

  “Maybe not, but you aren’t eating just for yourself. You have a baby inside you, so you need to eat something,” I stated.

  “Whatever you bring is fine,” she said as she rolled her eyes.

  What was going on between us? I thought as I walked to the front door of the restaurant. I placed the order and sat down on the bench to wait. While I was waiting, my phone started ringing. I pulled it out of my pocket to see who was calling. It was Nya, Takiyah’s sister. I slid the screen to take the call.

  “Hey Nya, wassup?” I answered.

  “Iman, what’s up, brother in law? Are we having a boy or girl, or didn’t y’all find out today?” Nya asked.

  “No, we found out. I just thought Kiyah would’ve told you.”

  “Well, we called her, but she didn’t answer any of our calls. That’s why I called you. So, am I gonna have a niece or nephew?” she asked.

  “We’re having a boy!” I said as a huge smile graced my face. I realized that was the second time I had smiled since the doctor told me that we were having a little boy. My face beamed with happiness as I thought about all the things I’d share with my son, my firstborn.

  “That’s great! You know that Lyric is having a girl, so I’m glad we’ll have a little man amongst us,” she said. I could tell that she was happy for us and smiling on the other end of the phone.

  “I didn’t know what Lyric was having. But tell her I said congratulations!” I said.

  “Oh, I just assumed that Ki told you. Lyric called her a couple of weeks ago to give her the news.”

  “Well, it must’ve slipped her mind. Aye look, I gotta go. I was picking up some food for us to eat. Kiyah is in the car waiting for me. I’ll let her know that you called and were trying to reach her,” I said as we ended the call.

  My order came and I took the bag before heading outside. Once outside, I walked towards the car, my mind solely on the baby boy that we would be welcoming into the world in about four months. I opened the back door to set the food on the seat and got in the driver’s seat. “You know your…” I stopped midsentence when I realized Takiyah wasn’t in the passenger’s seat.

  Now where the hell could she be? I thought as I pulled out my phone to call her. I dialed her phone, but it
started ringing inside the car. I followed the sound of the ringing phone and it was coming from her purse that was on the floor.

  “This is some bullshit!” I thought. Why the hell would she leave the car and not take her purse? I sat there and waited for her for two damn hours, but she never came back. I decided to go home and wait for her there. Hell, that was probably where she was. She probably got tired of waiting and called an Uber to come and pick her up.

  In any case, she should’ve taken her phone and called a nigga. This shit made no sense. I made my way to the apartment, hoping that my wife would be home when I got there. I pulled up to the complex and parked in front of our door. I grabbed Takiyah’s purse and the bag of food on the back seat and headed to the apartment door. When I walked in, I dropped the purse and the bag of food by the front door. I began searching through the apartment for my wife as I called her name.

  She wasn’t anywhere in the apartment. I wondered where the hell she was. I pulled out my phone and called Nya. She answered on the third ring. “Hey brother in…”

  “Nya, have you seen Kiyah?” I asked, not waiting for her to finish with the greeting.

  “No, I thought she was with you.”

  “Well, she was. I went inside to get the food and when I came out, she was gone.”

  “What do you mean gone?” she asked.

  “I mean, she had left. She was supposed to be waiting for me in the car, but she wasn’t there when I got in,” I said.

  “Wait a minute. You’re telling me that my sister wasn’t in the car when you came back to it?” she asked.

  “That’s what I’m saying. I don’t know where she is.”

  “Maybe she’s at home waiting for you!” Nya said.

  “That’s what I thought. But I’m at home and she ain’t here either!” I said as I raked my hand over my face. “Where the hell could she be?”

  “Did you guys have a fight?” Nya asked.

  “No! Well, not a fight, but we did have a little spat,” I admitted.

  “About what?”

  “I asked if she had cheated on me.”

  “WHAT?!” she practically screamed. She had the same reaction as Takiyah when I asked her that question. “Why would you think my sister cheated on you? Do you know how much she loves you? That’s some bullshit and you know it!”

 

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