A Mother Within Her

by Lady Lissa

  “Mom, I don’t need to talk about this right now. I had a hard delivery without any epidural, so I’m exhausted. I told Iman not to call y’all until tomorrow, but of course, he didn’t listen.” I saw how she rolled her eyes at Iman, but that wasn’t my business.

  “Well, you didn’t have the baby tomorrow, did you? You had the baby today,” mom said.

  “I know that, mom. And that’s why I’m so tired,” Ki said.

  The baby was now fast asleep in my mom’s arms. He was just so darn cute. His little bottom lip was poking out as he slept peacefully, totally oblivious to what was going on around him. I admired baby’s resilience to allow other people’s shit to not bother them. All they cared about was getting some rest.

  My other two sisters walked in about 30 minutes later, and the tension in the room was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Ki looked like she was not happy about any of us being there. I knew when we’d leave, she was going to go off on Iman as soon as we left. I hated to be in his shoes when that happened.

  Chapter fifteen

  Takiyah

  Two days later…

  I was finally released from the hospital and on our way home. I couldn’t wait to be home in my own element. Iman and I had argued the first day I gave birth because he didn’t do what I asked. I couldn’t understand why he would invite people to the room when I specifically asked him not to. The fact that he disregarded my feelings in the matter upset me. It didn’t matter that I had just given birth, I had to let him know how he made me feel.

  The ride home was very quiet as I stared out the window while Iman drove. Yesterday, I had to hold the baby. I thought it was going to be one of the hardest things I had ever had to do, but it wasn’t that bad. He was as light as a feather and he smelled good too. I gave him his bottle then handed him back to Iman to change him. After he was changed, he just went back to sleep.

  I was nervous about going home because Iman only had two weeks off to help me. He pulled up to the front door and I got out. He grabbed the infant carrier that held the newborn and unlocked the door. We made our way inside and I headed straight for the bathroom. I needed a heated shower in my own stall in my own apartment. I turned the water on and waited until the steam started to flow.

  I didn’t bother checking the temperature. I just got in and allowed the water to relax my rattled nerves. I started to shed tears as the water rained on my face. I didn’t know why I was crying, but I suddenly felt overpowered by emotions. As I sank to the floor of the shower, I continued to sob like a baby. I didn’t know how long I had been in the shower, but suddenly the water stopped, and Iman was scooping me up. He wrapped one of the large blanket towels around me and dried me off. When he was done, I grabbed my panties and maxi pad and put them on.

  Then I threw on a loose-fitting dress. “Are you okay?” Iman asked.

  I shook my head no. I wasn’t okay and I didn’t know what it would take for me to be okay. I was just glad that I had my body back to myself. “What do you need me to do?” he asked, concern written all over his face.

  “I don’t know, Iman. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” I started crying again as he took me in his arms and held me. I appreciated him for taking me in his arms like that because I really needed a hug from my husband. As he rocked me back and forth while we sat on the bed, I felt comfort in that.

  “It’ll be okay, babe. I think you’re just feeling a little overwhelmed about giving birth. You don’t need to stress about it though because I’m here for you. You don’t have to do this parenting thing by yourself,” he said.

  “You promise?” I asked.

  “I promised to give you the rest of my life on our wedding day, and I meant that,” he said as he kissed me. Hearing him say that gave me hope on a totally different level. Maybe I had been freaking out for nothing. Maybe I had been worrying about Iman leaving me to raise the baby by myself for nothing. I decided to just trust my husband and go with the flow.

  I embraced him in the most genuine way I could. I wanted him to feel how much I loved him. He meant everything to me. My little boy was a product of our love for each other. I was gonna relax and just allow my husband to be just that, my husband and support system.

  Isaiah picked that moment to start crying, so we both got up. I went to the nursery to get the baby and Iman went to the kitchen to warm a bottle for him. I picked up my baby and just held him close. He immediately stopped crying, but he was trying to put his little fist in his mouth, so I knew that meant he was hungry. I hadn’t realized how cute he was before. As I snuggled with him, Iman walked in the room with the bottle.

  “You have no idea how much it means to me to see you hold him like that,” he said with a huge smile on his face.

  “It really feels good to hold him like this.”

  “I know.” He handed me the bottle and I put it in Isaiah’s mouth. He immediately started to suck it greedily. I smiled down at him as my husband sat on the floor and watched me as I rocked him back to sleep.

  After he was done with his bottle, I put him on my shoulder and patted his back to burp him. When he finished burping, I got up and took him to the changing table to change his diaper. Iman was right with me, holding the baby’s hand as I put his fresh, clean diaper on. That was the first time I had changed my baby’s diaper since he was born. It made me feel like a bad parent, but I was going through something. I was more than sure Isaiah wouldn’t remember any of that when he got older.

  Once I was done changing his diaper, I handed him to Iman, so he could rock our baby back to sleep. I didn’t want to keep him from enjoying our baby. While he rocked Isaiah, I went to the kitchen in search of something to eat. I decided to fix a tuna fish sandwich to go along with a bag of chips. I grabbed a bottle of water and sat at the kitchen table to eat. Iman joined me a few minutes later. “Is he asleep?” I asked.

  “Yep, he’s out like a light,” he said as he placed the baby monitor on the table. “You were hungry, huh?”

  “Yea, there’s some tuna left in the fridge.”

  “No thanks. I’ll just make a ham and swiss sandwich.”

  “More for me,” I said.

  “You can have it all.”

  I missed these times with my husband. I thought having a baby would change how he felt about me. But it didn’t. If anything, having a baby by my husband made him love me even more. I smiled at him as he sat across from me at the table. I was confident that we would be okay. At least, I had hoped that we would. Things had a way of happening that would make you question everything you ever saw clearly.

  *****

  Three weeks later…

  Iman had gone back to work last week, leaving me at home alone with the baby. At first, I embraced my baby boy and bonded with him. After a week of me being in the house with the baby 24/7, I was beginning to go a little stir crazy. Sure, I could have gone out of the house, but where the hell was I gonna go with a baby in tow?

  Isaiah was a good baby, for the most part. On some occasions when he cried, I cried right along with him. I wasn’t sure what was going on with me. I read online that it could be my hormones triggering the sudden mood changes within me. I hoped that was all it was because I also read that after a couple of months, I would be fine. I prayed they were right.

  One evening after Iman came home from work, I had to get out of the house. I just had enough and needed some time to myself. “Where are you going, babe?” Iman asked.

  “I’m tired of being cooped up in this house all day, every day. I just need some air,” I said.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Just what I said!” I found myself getting really aggravated with Iman. How dare he question me about where I was going. He had been gone all day long and I didn’t say anything about that. I needed some time to myself. Why couldn’t he just respect that?

  “Just like that you’re going to leave? I didn’t even have a chance to take a shower or eat dinner!” he said in a voice that was just as irrita
ted as mine.

  “Shit, I’ve been here day in and day out, taking care of YOUR SON! The least you can do is allow me a chance to get some damn air!”

  Shit, he wasn’t the only one that could raise his voice up in here. I paid bills here too, so if he could catch an attitude with me, I could catch one right back with him. His eyes roamed my body as he took in my outfit. I had on some tight fitting jeans with a camisole top, which I wore a shirt over that tied to the front. Even though I had just had a baby, my body wasted no time snapping back into shape.

  “Where are you going dressed like that?” he asked as he rephrased his question. “You do realize that you just gave birth not even a month ago, right?”

  “You don’t have to remind me, papa. I was right there in the room with you, legs busted up wide open. If you’re worried about my stitches, they fell out. If you’re worried about my period, it’s only bleeding lightly. Thank you for your concern, daddy, but I don’t need it. I’m a big girl and I can take care of my damn self,” I said.

  “What has gotten into you? When I left this morning, we were fine. What the hell happened between then and now to have you behaving this way?” he asked, a worried expression on his face.

  “Nothing happened. I told you that I’m just tired of being locked up in here day in and day out. I feel like if I don’t get out of this house, I’m going to lose my mind!” I cried.

  “Well, are you at least going out with your sisters?”

  “No, I’m going out alone. I’ll probably end up just taking a drive down the street and come right back.”

  “Okay, I guess I’ll see you when you get back then,” Iman finally said.

  Music to me ears, I thought as I rushed out of the house before the argument started again. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my husband and have grown to love my baby boy, but I never wanted to be a mother. I had issues with that from the start, and Iman knew that. He forced me to have a baby before I was ready, and now he had to deal with the consequences.

  I hopped in my car and sped out of the parking lot, not having any particular destination in mind. I just had to get out of the house for a while. I rolled the window down so I could feel the breeze blowing through my hair. I passed the Rainbow Bar and decided to go inside and get a couple of drinks. Now that I wasn’t with child anymore, I could finally enjoy a glass of wine or two. I pulled into the parking lot and parked my car. I stepped out, chirped the alarm and made my way inside.

  The bar was packed, so I walked over to the bar. I took a seat and ordered a glass of Merlot. The bartender set the glass before me and walked away. It didn’t take long for someone to fill the stool next to me. I was already on my second glass of wine. My head was spinning just a little, most likely from my empty stomach. As I sipped on my wine, the enticing scent of the man next to me invaded my nostrils. I listened as he ordered a couple of shots of Henny. The bartender set the shots down in front of him and walked away.

  “Hi,” said the man in the seat. His voice was smooth, rich and deep, kind of like Barry White. He smelled amazing and sounded even better. I almost was afraid to speak back.

  “Hello,” I responded without bothering to face him.

  “What brings you here?” he asked.

  “I just needed a drink.”

  “My name is Barry,” he said. Now, I had no choice but to face him. The irony of my comparison to him and Barry White and the fact that his name was Barry intrigued me. When I turned to look at him, I found myself looking into the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. Damn, that man was gorgeous. He had thick, curly, black hair, smooth light brown skin, and straight, white teeth. Damn Barry!

  “My name is Ki,” I said as he reached for my hand. He shook my hand and brought it to his mouth to kiss the back of it. The only man that had ever done that to me was my husband. It felt odd to have another man kissing my hand.

  “Nice to meet you, Ki. So, what do you do for a living, Ki?” he asked.

  “I work in pharmaceuticals, if you must know.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to be nosy, just making conversation with a beautiful woman.”

  He smiled and took the other shot as he smiled at me. He signaled for the bartender and he came over. “I’ll have a Remy on the rocks please,” Barry said.

  The bartender poured the drink and placed it on the bar before Barry. I continued to sip on my wine until my glass was empty. Barry signaled for the bartender again. “Give this beautiful lady another glass of wine,” he said.

  The bartender refilled my glass with more Merlot. “Thank you,” I said to Barry.

  “No problem, beautiful. I see you’re wearing a ring on that other hand.”

  I looked down at my left hand where my wedding set rested comfortably. Since I had the baby, my fingers weren’t as swollen, so my ring went back to fitting perfectly. I smiled at the memory of when my husband had placed the wedding band on my ring finger on our wedding day. “Yea,” I said as tears began to slip from my eyes.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…” Barry kind of let the words fall off. I was sure he thought I was some kind of nutcase.

  “I gotta go. It was nice meeting you,” I said as I slid off the bar stool and headed for the door. I was about to get in my car when I felt a hand on my arm. I started screaming and punching until I saw that it was Barry.

  “Calm down!” he said. “I just wanted to make sure you got to your car okay.”

  “Don’t sneak up on me like that again!” I said as I breathed a sigh of relief.

  “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  “Well, you did! You almost gave me a fuckin’ heart attack!” I said.

  “I’m sorry,” he said.

  “I gotta go,” I said as I shrugged his hand off me.

  “Okay, get home safe.”

  “You too.”

  I slipped behind the wheel and started the car. As I backed out, I stared at Barry. He was really a good looking man. I think if I hadn’t given birth three weeks ago, I would have probably been all over him. Dammit! What the hell was I thinking? I was a married woman with a newborn baby. The last thing I needed to be thinking about was having an affair with that man. I needed to get away from this place and never come back.

  I looked at the console and the time read 10:15 PM. I hadn’t realized I was gone that long. I knew that Iman was going to be angry at me for being gone all night. I had to go inside the apartment and face the music…

  Chapter sixteen

  Iman

  I didn’t know what got into Kiyah tonight. For her to leave that way when I had just gotten home was ridiculous. She had run out of here like a bat out of hell. I didn’t know where she was going or who she was going with, but I didn’t have time to worry about that. I had to hurry and take a shower before my little man woke up. This was absolutely crazy. I was tired and had hoped to unwind a little before dealing with the baby, but a dad’s gotta do what a dad’s gotta do. I hopped in the shower and allowed the warm water to relax me and give me my second wind.

  When I was done, I turned the water off and dried myself. I didn’t hear Isaiah, so I took a couple of minutes to get dressed. Then I went in search of my baby boy. He was lying in the bed on his back, but he was getting a little fussy. I figured he must be getting hungry, so I made my way to the kitchen to make him a bottle. I didn’t want him to get fussy and break out into a fit of crying.

  I made the bottle and headed back to the baby’s room. By that time, he was beginning to whine a little. I scooped him up and sat in the rocking chair with him. I brought the bottle to his lips and he started sucking for dear life. Even though he was almost a month old, he was already drinking four ounces every three hours. He wasn’t sleeping through the nights yet. I looked forward to when that would happen.

  Once the baby was fed, I changed his diaper and rocked him back to sleep. Then I went to the kitchen to see what Takiyah had cooked for dinner. There weren’t any pots on the stove, so I checked the microwave to see
if she had made me a plate. The microwave was empty. I looked in the fridge to see if maybe she had just put the food away; nothing. I couldn’t believe that she hadn’t even cooked today.

  I decided to make a turkey and bacon sandwich to eat with a bag of chips. I sat at the table while I ate. I was so exhausted, but I wouldn’t change my life for anything. The only thing that would make it better would be if Takiyah got out of that funk she was in. Sometimes, she was so happy, but other times, she seemed really sad. I wondered if she had second thoughts about becoming a wife and mother. It didn’t matter though because our son was already here. He was the most special little kid.

  When I was done eating, it was almost eight o’clock. I tried calling Takiyah to find out what time she would be home, but she didn’t answer any of my calls. I placed the plate that I used in the dishwasher and headed the nursery. I wanted to check on Isaiah before going to bed. He was sound asleep, so I made my way to our bedroom and climbed in the bed. It didn’t take me long to fall asleep.

  *****

  I was sound asleep when Takiyah came rustling in the bedroom. I checked the time on the bedside clock and it read one A.M. Where the hell had she been all this time. I turned the lamp on and I heard her let out and exasperated sigh. “Where have you been, Takiyah?” I asked.

  “You’re not my daddy, and I don’t have to answer to you!” she said in a slurred tone.

  I hopped out of bed and approached her. “Have you been drinking?”

  “I’m a big girl, Iman. I can drink if I want to. Did you forget I was the legal age?” she asked as she rolled her eyes.

  “Kiyah, what has gotten into you? I thought you were happy,” I said.

  “Who said I wasn’t? I just needed a little break from mommy duties, okay? Is that so wrong?” she asked. “I mean, you get a break every time you leave this house!”

  “I go to work! That’s hardly a break,” I said.

  “You still get time to yourself.”

  “You’re still a married woman! Coming home at one o’clock in the morning reeking of alcohol is unacceptable! We just had a baby,” I argued.