“I take it Matoskah out there told you where to find me?”
“Listen, I can go if this is making you uncomfortable,” I declared, getting up. I felt like a subject matter, sitting there under his intense inspection He didn’t trust me, obviously and this was starting to feel like a huge mistake.
He stood up. “No. Stay.”
I frowned. “It wasn’t easy for me to come here.”
“I know. I apologize. Sit down, please.”
I lowered myself back onto the sofa and Matwau smiled, looking relieved. “So, you know who I am?”
“You’re Matwau. You were married to my mom.” I sounded like a mechanical robot.
“Is that all you know?”
“That’s all I know.” I scanned the pictures spread around the room and I got up when I spotted one that more than stood out on the fireplace. It was cased in a bronzed frame and it was old, maybe from the eighties.
“Is this you and her?” I asked him, picking up the picture.
“That was our wedding day.”
I surveyed the white lace gown that fit so perfectly to my mom’s petite frame. Her hair was mostly gathered up, held in place by a white flower and loose tendrils hung around her face. Matwau looked the same, only younger. They both looked happy, smiling at each other, oblivious to the camera even being there. I instantly hated the picture. I thought about squeezing it hard enough that the frame shattered.
“You guys look happy,” I said, feeling the stab of jealousy and betrayal that my mom had once been happy without my dad.
“We were. I loved Savannah with all my heart. She was a very special woman.”
I set the picture down. “What happened?”
“Which part?” he asked me, as if the story was so complex he didn’t know where to start.
“All off it.”
“First you tell me something,” he said, his eyes sharpening at the edges. “Tell me how you are alive?”
“Excuse me?” What kind of a question was that to ask someone?
“You being here is impossible. Savannah died before she ever gave birth.”
“Well I’m here, aren’t I?” I swiped my hands downwards in front of my body. “I’m standing right here.” I unzipped the pocket on my muddy coat and gave him my handful of pictures, all with my mom in. “How would I have these? This is my mom and I’ve got no reason to be here now, lying to you. I live a really long ferry ride away and this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, so could you just do me a favor and trust that I am who I say I am? I’m seventeen, why would I come here just to make up some ridiculous story? I don’t even know you.”
I took a deep breath. “I just want you to tell me about her.”
“You look a hell of a lot like her, I’ll give you that.” Matwau folded his hands under his chin. “What do you actually know about Savannah?”
“I know that she jumped from a cliff, right after giving birth to me. My dad said she became-” I shrugged my shoulder, “kinda depressed all of a sudden. He thought that maybe she didn’t love him anymore or something.”
I saw Matwau pull a slight twist in his face.
“She did jump to her death. That is the only part of your story that is accurate.”
“Tell me what happened, then.”
“I want to show you something first.” Matwau stood up. “Follow me.”
I walked through the house with him, out into the back yard where he cracked open the door of a garden shed. When I stood unmoving on the spot, he smiled reassuringly at me. “It’s okay. Come on.”
Reluctantly, I followed him inside. He didn’t flick on any lights. Instead, he drew the shabby curtains closed.
“Whoa,” I said, reaching for the door as his fingers wrapped around my arm.
“Just wait,” he said, and the next thing, a white light flicked onto the wall, forming an unfocused square shape and I noticed the old film projector sitting on the wicker table in front of me. A whirring noise started up from it and black speckles appeared all over the white illumination on the wall.
Matwau motioned towards a shabby sofa covered in a crochet, printed blanket and I went and sat down.
Color broke out, blocking out the white screen and I covered my mouth with my hand when my mom’s face came into focus in front of me. I smiled with choked laughter when she opened her mouth and began to talk to someone holding the video recorder.
“Matwau, turn that thing off,” she said, turning her back to the camera and peeking over her shoulder with a playful smile. “I’m not ready yet.”
Her hair was flowing down her back and she wore only a shade of red lipstick and she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I loved her so much and I’d never even met her.
She picked up the hem of her black and white spotty dress and swiped a hand at the camera, but her shot was dodged and she burst into laughter. I could hear who must be Matwau, laugh with her and then the image changed to one of her sitting on the beach.
I knew right away that it was Shi Shi beach. She was sitting on a towel on the sand with four other people. They must have been her friends, and they were all smiling and talking. Matwau was sitting right next to my mom, so someone else must have held the camera.
“Do it, Savannah. Show us,” A man with a long plait in his hair asked her, nudging her in the arm. “Go on, make our day.”
“Yeah, come on,” everyone else agreed, and Savannah looked lovingly at Matwau, who just shook his head and grinned.
“Oh fine,” she finally gave in, and lifted both her arms in the air.
At first I couldn’t see anything, but then the steady roaring noise in the background intensified and the video focused only on the sea. A giant wave was building from out of nowhere, and then just as it was about to descend on the shore and no doubt come barreling down on top of my mom and her friends, Savannah brought her hands down briskly and the wave curled back in on itself and rolled backwards, crashing over the sea.
A load uproar of clapping and squealing erupted from the group of friends and Savannah laughed and waved their amazement away with her hands.
By the time the video rolled to an end, I was hardly aware of the tears streaming down my face, until Matwau pulled open the curtains and handed me a tissue.
“Thanks,” I said, taking it from him and wiping aggressively at my cheeks. I sucked back my tears and wiped my nose. “That was…” I pushed my hand through my hair. “Thank you. I never saw anything like that, ever.”
“I’m glad I could show them to you. I come in here and watch them regularly. When I see her like that, I feel like I’m bringing her to life.”
“You’re lucky you have those.” I balled up my tissue, picking at the fibers.
“Do you wanna go back inside and get something to drink? I don’t know about you but I need something cold. I’ve got some ice tea in the kitchen.”
“That’s good ice tea,” I said to Matwau. He filled up my glass and sat down in at the dining table, across from me.
“Savannah’s recipe,” he said, filling up his own glass.
“So what happened?” I asked.
“Well you saw in the video there and you didn’t seem all that shocked. Did you already know the things she could do?”
I nodded yes. “I never saw it though.”
“The earth is power and we feed off it, we respect it. The Makah tribe have many beliefs and there are legends passed down through generation, but never have any of us witnessed what we have in Savannah. She could do things that no other could. She could do things that you could only dream of.” Matwau took a sip of his ice tea and dropped his arm heavily onto the table. “Savannah was pregnant in the summer of 1997, and a matter of days before she was due to give birth, she jumped, and her body was never found.”
He stood up and stared out through the French doors into the back yard.
“If she jumped before giving birth then where do I fit into all of this?”
“I don’t ha
ve an answer for that.”
“Maybe you’ve got it wrong,” I suggested.
“I wasn’t there. There was only one witness and no one has seen him for years.”
“You think I’m lying?” I felt the pull of rejection inside, and I couldn’t understand why I was being so sensitive about this. I had a dad, I had a life. What was it I thought I wanted from this man? “I’ve lived my whole life thinking Savannah is my mom. I don’t know anything else. That can’t be a lie. I can’t take any more lies.”
“Where have you been all this time?” Matwau asked me, still gazing out into the yard.
“I live with my dad, Gabriel, in Friday Harbor. It’s in San Juan County.”
“How did you come to be with Gabriel?” Matwau asked the question with a slight grimace on his face.
“He’s my dad. He’s all I’ve ever known.”
“And if you are who you claim to be, how ever does this Gabriel conclude that he is your father?”
I didn’t want to say it out loud but it was sitting there between us like a ticking bomb, waiting to explode. “He loved Savannah,” I said, carefully. “They were together.”
“Ha.” He laughed, but his face was pained and I had to look away.
“It’s true,” I said, my eyes fixed anywhere but at him.
“It doesn’t matter now,” he said, his voice full of melancholy. “I would have still loved her. I still love her to this day. I’ll love her till I die. She was my wife. My wife.”
“I’m not trying to upset you. I just need to know if you are my dad.” The words were out before I had a chance to stop them. It was done, I had said it. “That’s why I came here today, looking for you.”
“I would like to think that baby was mine. I would have been there from birth, ready to be a father. Waiting for the privilege, the honor.” He turned to face me. “It seems we have both found out something new today.”
“So you don’t know…”
“Maybe Gabriel can give you your answers, he appears to know more than me. Especially about my own wife.”
I was beginning to wish I never came.
“I never came here to hurt you.”
“And you haven’t.” He looked at me in deep thought. “In fact, I would very much like to see you again.”
“I’d like that,” I agreed, smiling.
Matwau reached out his hand and placed it over my own. “It feels good to have some light back in my life at long last. It doesn’t matter how you got here, all that matters is that you’re here.” I felt a tight squeeze on my fingers.
“I don’t need anything but that familiar spark in your eye to tell me that you are exactly who you say you are and if I have no other role to play in your life except this, I promise you I will help you get you the answers you are looking for.”
That was all I wanted and it was already more than anyone else had given me.
***
Matoskah dropped me back at the Harbor while it was still daylight and I got out of the truck, not having a clue what time Leah would show up. With any luck it would be soon. It was getting cold out and I didn’t want to be hanging around after my encounter this morning at this exact same spot.
We were standing there no more than about fifteen seconds before a dominant figure stepped into view.
Sully.
He was looking at us with a scorned expression on his face and he eyed Matoskah like he wanted to come over and ring his neck.
“Do you know him?” Matoskah asked me, looking a little more than just wary.
“You could say that.” Well I better go face the music.
“You hang with some pretty angry people.”
“That’s me,” I said. “Listen, thanks for today.”
Matoskah closed the truck door behind him and came and wrapped me up in a hug. I laughed out of unexpectedness, and hugged him back. His frame was solid and warm, I didn’t really want to let him go. A hug felt like what I needed right now. He loosened his hold on me and stepped back.
“Just come back, okay?”
“Sure,” I agreed. “You could come to Friday Harbor sometime. I mean, if you want to.” I hoped he wanted to. I kinda wanted to see him again.
“You bet. Just the sound of that place is cool and your there, so hey, added bonus.” He smiled at me and the gleam in his sea green colored eyes clutched at something inside me. I really felt like me and him could be friends. So far, even including the strange circumstances, he had proved trustworthy enough.
The wind rustled through the strands of his loose hanging long hair and lifted it up off his shoulder, blowing it behind him. The rest was still tied back and I was overcome with the urge to tell him how amazing his hair was. The thought almost brought a smile to my lips. Why didn’t I ask him what shampoo he used while I was at it?
I didn’t realize I was staring until I became aware that he was staring back at me with just as much intensity.
I cleared my throat and brought myself back to the present. I wasn’t even attracted to him in that way, what was I doing? Just appreciating something beautiful, I told myself.
“Gimme your phone.”
I pulled my phone out of my coat pocket and passed it to him. “Why?” I asked.
He tapped the screen a few times and then handed it back to me.
“My number.”
I looked down at the new saved contact and then put my phone away. “Okay, so I’ll call you.”
“You better,” he said, showing me those perfect white teeth again.
“Bye, Matoskah.” I smiled to myself as I walked over to Sully and without a word, not even a hello, he walked me over to his boat, which I would now absolutely call a fishing boat. Yacht was being too kind.
When I stepped on board, the grin that was still clear as anything on my face, was soon enough wiped away when I saw Caleb stood there resting against the railing of the boat, glaring at me.
Oh shit.
“You wanna tell me what you think you’re doing?” Caleb asked me, with the same glower on his face.
“Having a nice day out,” I said in the same belittling tone he was using on me.
“Will you ever do as you’re told?”
I put my finger up to my chin and looked out to the sea with a fake look of deep concentration on my face. “Hmm, let me see…”
I heard Caleb sigh next to me.
“As long as there’s such a thing as free thinking and my brain is in perfect working order, and oh yeah, as long as I’m not wearing a dog collar,” I spat, “then no, I won’t do as I’m told as you so delicately put it.”
“You know what I meant.”
“Yeah, I do know what you meant. You want me to do what you say so long as it suits you but as soon as I put a foot in the other direction, you don’t wanna know.”
“I’m trying to keep you alive.”
“So you keep saying. Well do yourself a favor, Caleb. Don’t bother.” I wasn’t waiting for any kind of reply. I stormed off down into the cabin and intended to stay out of his way for a long as it took us to get home.
At Caleb’s, I was free of most of my agitation from earlier and when we came in, Leah shot us both an amused look. “Looks like you two had fun.”
“Shut it,” Caleb hissed, causing her to push herself back in the chair, pretending that she was hurt by that comment. I knew Leah well enough to know that she fed off this kind of confrontation.
“What were you even thinking taking her out there? And flying no less. Seriously, Leah, tell me because I am this close,” he pinched his fingers together, right in front of her face, “from ripping your head off.”
“And is that because you thought there was genuine danger or because you just really couldn’t bear the thought of something happening to your precious little darling?”
Caleb straightened up and the veins in his arms pumped under his skin.
“Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about,” Leah taunted, squaring up to him. “E
very day we tiptoe around you because you are turning into the fucking devil himself and if I have to do shit like this to get through to you, then so be it. I’ll do whatever it takes. Remember why you’re in this, Caleb. Your wings are gonna be nothing but a dream unless you get it together.”
I watched the two of them in disbelief. She took me out to Neah Bay for no other reason than to rile up Caleb. She put me in deliberate danger. Never mind Caleb wanting to rip her head off, I wanted to.
“I’ve got it together,” he seethed.
“Yeah,” Leah said with guttural laughter. “What little heart you have left will soon be as black as the deepest pits of hell and the one thing that has any chance of stopping that happening, is standing right over there.” She pointed her finger at me and glared at Caleb at the same time.
“I-” I started, but was quickly shut up.
“You think we don’t know?” Leah carried on. “You think we don’t know that you’re in love with the one person you can’t have?”
“Shut up, now,” Caleb growled.
What was she so angry about? She thought Caleb loved me, well she couldn’t more wrong.
“If you’re not going to help her,” Leah threatened. “Then I will and you will never see your wings again. There’s a lot more riding on this anyway then you finding redemption.” She unlocked her eyes from his and turned angrily, taking brisk steps towards the door. “Oh and by the way,” she stopped with the door wedged partly open. “Whoever the fuck Tamara is, get rid of her.”
***
I couldn’t sleep that night. Caleb had gone back to my house and I was tossing and turning in and amongst the sheets in one of the bedrooms that was now classed as mine. I couldn’t get over Leah. She wanted to help me but it sounded like it was only for the benefit of getting some kind of reaction from Caleb, or was I just being too sensitive and taken the whole thing the wrong way? Whatever it was, the stress of it was suffocating me. I kicked the sheets completely off me and slammed my arms down on the bed at my sides in frustration.
My eyes were wide open and when I couldn’t take anymore of staring at the ceiling, I got up and slipped into my dad’s room. I didn’t know if it was the guilt from today or just the safety that he always gave to me but as soon as I lay down next to him, sleep slowly began to find me.
Falling Darkness: The second book in the Falling Awake Series Page 15